The hours passed by very fast since Din left, I was worried about him, how can I know if he's alright if he can't tell me because something has happened to him? I need to act I thought
So I got ready to go to see if everything was fine with him
-Where do you think you're going? You can't leave me here alone with those little guys
-You'll move on
-I could escape
-You won't
-I know -i said turning back to look at her-
-What if I do? What is going to think Din? Who left you in charge on looking after they? You shouldn't trust a person like me
-Oh shouldn't I? Then I'm making a mistake because I'm going to go to see if everyone is fine out there
I didn't know what more say to her, she dressed a black suit, a fearless suit, I liked it, I was hoping that someday I could dress like that, decide my destiny, my future, take my own decisions without someone at my back telling me what to do, yes, Din saved me when I was almost dead, and I will never be able to thank him, but he doesn't want to face that, I mean, I know he loves me like the daughter he never had, and I am his family as he is mine, but man, someday he must let me go, let that my path be free, let me decide my next steps, and I know that is going to hurt him quite a lot, but that is what I want, I want to show him that I'm worth for myself, I want to prove that I'm enough, and even though he still saying that he knows that I'm strong he never gives me a chance to prove it, and that is all I need, a vote of trust, of confidence, I want him to know who I am, who I really am, who am I going to be, not the best pilot neither the best mandalorian, just me, myself, I, that is all I want.
That moment gave me some seconds to rethink it and I decided to stay in the ship
-Alright I'm going to stay here, not because of you, I know you won't do anything Bren, I'm staying here for the kids, what if someone attacks?
-whatever you say sweetie
For a moment that sentence reminded me of one time that a tall pretty boy, a very very pretty boy, older than me I think, well, he said that to me, usually I get a lot of deja vus, but well, we were on a little planet, what was its name? Mmm I can't remember, it was full of several kinds of creatures, but he was human, just like me, deeply white hair, eyes intensely green, but I remember that if I get closer to him, I could see like a dark brown ring around his pupil. That amazed me, he was the most gorgeous person that I had ever seen, sometimes I dream about his powerful eyes and that deeply green-brown inside of them, about his voice, -Roy- yeah, that was his name, how can I be capable of remember the name of that guy instead the name of the planet, if I'm not wrong I was like nine years old, and yeah, now I know, he was definitely older than me, much older, maybe like seven years? But as Boba has always said, love is not about ages, it's about connection, I will always remember that wise sentence, still, he wasn't my type -I though for myself-
-Hello? What are you staring at?
- Wh-What, what happens?
-Nothing, what happens to you?
There was a silence while we looked each other annoyed
-so, tell me about yourself, is there any boy who wants to steal your heart?
-girl, I'm eleven -said I annoyed before that question-
-you look older and very clever, still, at your age I had quite a long list of men that were behind me, never dated one, I must say, but they were all so cute, tho
-good for you.
-yeah, yeah, so, who is the boy?
I looked at her tired of that she stills the same conversation
-but I have just told I'm too young
-there is always someone, you know?
-Not in my case
-No, I can see it, how old was him when you met him?
-you exhaustes me
-I know -she said with a smile in her face-
I looked down
-oh come on! Be honest, how do you like them? I like with dark brown hair but with fair eyes, you know like soft green, yeah I love that kind of colors
I whispered while i tried to hide a little smile
-ohh you like them too, don't you? Those eyes I mean, I understand they're great
-You know I liked you before you started talking that much
-When I was a stormtrooper they used to tell me that too -she laughed-
-I believe you
-thats easy, I never lie, but you haven't answered my question girl
She got up and took a glass with water while she looked back at me, afraid of I'd leave the room
-I think all the boys are pretty
She looked at me and spated the water that was inside her mouth
-Of course they are! Have ever have any pretty friend? But like, pretty
-I haven't have quite a lot of friends you know?
-tell me about them -she said as she looked at me interested-
-well, it was three years ago, when I lost him of view I mean, I met him in a festival on a planet of, -I made a pause- frogs?
-Continue please
-He had always treated me good, he listened to me, and also, he didn't have a family, he used to go with some men, strong men, like him, always with weapons, they were bounty hunters too, so we coincided in quite a lot of times haunting, you know, people like you, in exchange of money, Din didn't trust those men of course, how would he? But I trusted that boy, I loved that boy, he wasn't like the rest of the men, like the rest of the kids, he was different, just like me, I was young, too young, but I understood him when he talked about his worries, problems, fears, and I told him about mine, about my past, what made me doubt of him is that he never, ever, talked about his, that made me lose my temper many times, we argued lot of times, but they were just little discussions, then we were friends again, then, we didn't see each other for weeks, but we never forgot each other, he used nicknames with me, everybody do, truly, but his were my favorite, like, little monster, grey angel, sweetie, he said that her mother called him sweetie, that of what he remembered of her, she was very beautiful, "just like you" He said, that was one of my favorite things about him, that his nicknames to me made sense, I mean, for example, "grey angel" He called me like that because he had heard that angels had an wonderful beauty, "just like you", and well he added grey because of my past, he said that I was a lost human being who doesn't deserve being through it, I valued a lot when he talked about his mother, because he was the only thing that he told me about his past, I was sad when he told me that I deserve better because I never knew of what he was through and it made me think that maybe he only told me that because no one told him that, god, he was such a sweet boy.
So, that was how I met him
-wow, I wasn't talking about it, I was asking you about guys with pretty face but I see you only have eyes for that boy, what happened to him? , now I'm curious
-well, our paths just got separated, it's like everything I touched I lost it, since then I've never wanted to have any more friend, until you
-I see, yeah but how did you separated?
-His men wanted to kill us because we stole one of their missions as bounty hunters so Din made sure that didn't happens. Some of them escaped with him, with Roy, that was his name, I never saw him again since that.
-Oh, that's hard, once I also had a love like that, intense, pure-
-no -you interrupted her- that wasnt love
-But you said you never had felt that way in your life
-I can't judge my feelings
-If you don't know your own feelings, then who will?
-I don't need that anyone is sentencing and deciding what I feel, I'm fine like I am, I don't need to know what is going on, at the end everyone is going to leave so it's better don't get attached to anyone
-wow, you have quite a lot of traumas girl
- maybe that's right, I guess you'll never know
-oh come on, now that we started to know more about each other!
-I don't want to know anything about you, nothing more than you have to find your little brother and keep him safe
-Is that the only reason why you're doing this? Really?
-Sure, I can't trust you, right? You said it yourself
-Oh, so that is? You are pissed off with me because of that?
Don't take things that personal girl, you can trust me, but you have to know me first, don't you agree?
I looked at her cluelessly
She noticed about my silence and she addressed to me in a confidently way, and looked at me
-Hey, tell me about your family, I mean the real one, like, you know, your biological parents
-They're gone.- Said I dryly while swallowing saliva
-Oh no, there has to be a full story of them, tell me, you won't see me again, right?
I looked at her seniously with a sad expression in my face, feeling like my eyes made an empty hole little by little, and suddenly a lot of pictures came to my mind achieving that a little tear came out of my eye and slide slowly and stealthily down my cheek.
-It's okay, I'll tell you, it's simple
-alright, alright, there you are, see?is not that difficult open to other people,- said Bren enthusiastic-
-Whatever you say -I said with cold tone of voice-
I felt like if I was forcing myself to do something new for me, again, like I did with Roy, I felt like if I were disappointing Din, but I needed to tell it, I had been saving it for myself too many time, and now, finally I could take deep breath and break the silence that was devouring me in the inside, that was torturing my mind every night giving me that insomnia that didn't let me sleep, yeah, at this point, again, I fell in the temptation of tell things that I usually don't say, get off my chest with words, with facts, that how I was feeling in those instants.
-It all started when I was four, well, that was when my father started to get into wrong things, he said he had all under control, but then he almost didn't and sometimes we didn't see him for weeks or even months, I don't remember exactly why, I think it was because of the army that was rising from the dark side, they threatened my father, I think he was scared, not because of someone would hurt him if he didn't do what they commanded, but because of what they were going to do with me and my mother, he loved us, at least that is what a thought, for a time, not now.
He was one of the best pilots of the galaxy so that was what they wanted him for. Sometimes my parents argued when I wasn't present but most of the times I heard them, I was little so I didn't understand that very good, but I had an idea of what was the thing about.
When I was six, after three weeks disappeared, my father got home, but there was a different sensation in the air, I felt how my mother looked dispicably to my father and how she tried to hide it, and my father, avoided her. The dark side had offered him to join them, the night before my birthday, they argued again
-You can't leave us like that!
-The consequences will be extremely big!
They said, as always, they thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't, no, I was listening to them. In some way, I think that I am so clever because of the traumas that they caused me, I've seen a lot of things during my short period of life and most of them weren't beautiful. I've seen the blood of my mum scattered in the floor that we used to call home, I've seen how my father didn't come back to look the little girl he used to adore, well, at least that was what he said. --I noticed how my voice was cut off as a lump formed in my throat and I was not able to get out a single word, how I choked on my own saliva--
-oh, it's okay you don't need to go on with the story, I guess I have an idea
ignoring her words, I continued telling the rest with a broken voice--
-And after all that, Din became my father, that's why I am so attached to him and- --alright stop it--she stopped me--
-I hate see people crying, so stop it please
-Oh, I didn't know that facet of you.
-Now you do, I am sensible okay?