It was the dead of night now. I was gonna pay this fucker back for trying to get me killed. So I made it over to his mansion. Anything of value I didn't blow up with his HQ surely was there. I brought a duffel bag with spray paint, a metal baseball bat, a lighter, the works. Whatever I couldn't steal I could destroy. As I got there it happened to be just as he was leaving to go somewhere. He told two armed security thugs something before walking to his limo and driving off. I put my bag of tricks up on the roof and stealthy snuck over to the mansion before webbing myself to the top of their oversized patio. I lowered myself down upside down and made my way in between the two guards, staring off in opposite directions. I shot webs at both of their backs before pulling them into each other full force. Instantly they were knocked out. I reached down and picked up one of their machine guns.
"Okay, so knowing Kingpin he probably has security up the wazoo and a thousand bells and whistles that trigger at the slightest wrong move. I could try to keep this nice and clean and waste valuable time I could be spending smashing shit or I can shoot out these windows and walk in and then shoot all of these heavily armed guards as they show up... surely Kingpin//////// can buy bullet proof armor for his men." I said to myself before aiming at the windows but as soon as I did something dropped down behind me. I swung around and the person that jumped down grabbed my gun by the barrel and punched me in the nose. "Ow! Bitch!"
"Yeah I am! And you're a dumbass!" Black Cat told me. "I've been planning this since those dickless animal fucks tried to run us down in the mall and I'm not going to let you fuck it all up because your brain is smaller than your dick!"
"I'm going to take that as you think I have a big dick."
"Shut up and follow me! Quick!" She told me before jumping up and started to scale the mansion. I contemplated bringing the- "Leave the gun!" She whisper yelled down at me peaking at me. I groaned and threw it down before following her up. We went up to a room with an open window and crawled in where I saw four guards knocked out and a bunch of security cameras and a safe, as well as a vent. "I was starting my brilliant plan when I heard your dumbass jump up onto the roof and watched you scale down there. You almost ruined my night worse than it already has been and got yourself killed!"
"I could take 'em probably."
"Do you even know how many of these jackasses are in his house!?"
"I can't imagine a lot. How many dudes do you want snooping around with rifles when you go get your midnight snack with your balls hanging out of your boxers or when you're watching a football game or-"
"Look at the fucking feed!" She said pointing at the different monitors looking at the cameras all around the mansion. Let's see quick count... 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40– oh wow this is all the first row of cameras.
"Do these guys not have lives?"
"They probably get 5 grant a month doing this shit and imagine the bonus they would've gotten for catching your dumbass or me!" She said. She was angry tonight. Really angry. And I don't think me being a dumb was was to blame.
"Alright then what's your plan to deal with them all?" I asked. She pulled out a vile with a little cat head on top of it for the spritzer from between her cleavage. She also pulled out a couple of nose plugs.
"Put these in." She told me. I lifted my mask up to my nostrils and put them in.
"Sweet."
"What?"
"Nothing." These were just in her boobs. It feels like I'm secondhand motorboating her. "What's it the vile?"
"Cat nap. I think I fixed it up correctly, I don't know, I'm not a science nerd. Should knock the guards out in a moment's notice."
"You're going to fill a whole mansion with one little bottle of purple air? You really think that's gonna work?"
"It's denser than it looks! Like some people I know..." She said glaring at me. "I'll be right back, don't do anything stupid." She jumped up into the vents and I waited for her. Something was definitely bothering her. I decided if I was going to go ahead with my plan I needed to make sure Cat was in the best mood possible now that she was here. I watched the cameras for a second while humming Pretend We're Dead. Maybe MJ is right and that is my favorite L7 song. Black Cat climbed back out and blew her hair out of her face in annoyance.
"The Cat Nap should be working in about 5 minutes every guard is gonna be on their ass. So now we just wait." She told me.
"Alright, cool... so do you wanna talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
"What kicked all that sand into your vagina."
"What?" She asked with irritation in her voice but she didn't sound as mad.
"What's bothering you? You seem tense and upset about something." I stated. She sighed.
"I think I hate all my friends."
"Like your real friends from real life? You know, without the mask?"
"I don't even know if I would call them really my friends. And I'm actually a pretty popular girl outside of all this but I can't stand anyone I know. Except this one girl I know but I kinda resent her, I guess."
"How come?"
"Because she has all of her friends and she doesn't have as many as I do but they all like her for her. She's real and everyone loves her! But I have to play this fucking character and I have to lend people money all the time and I think some of them are just using me to get to my money."
"Well fuck those guys. You don't owe anyone Jack shit. And you don't like them anyways so if they're just a bunch of gold diggers they can go to hell and find another sugar mommy." I said. She lightly chuckled.
"Don't call me a sugar mommy again. Anyways, I guess I'm upset because I don't really fit in. I think I hate everyone. Well, except for this one nerd. My friend I was talking about earlier was telling me about him and how he's nice once you get to know him and he seems like he's into all the same stuff I'm into." We both sat on the windowsill next to each other.
"Like what?"
"For one we hate everyone else. He's into all these punk bands I'm into, not that he'd ever know it. And I kinda envy him too. There's a lot of people that think he's a weirdo like school shooter vibes but he still has a few friends and the few times I've seen him with them they seem to really like him." She sighed again. "I wish I thought of what he did. He's an asshole to everyone and I'm sure his friends were no exception. Almost like he actively tried to weed out the liars and sycophants from his life prematurely."
"Question: what does sycophant mean?"
"Kiss ass yes men that just agree with everything you say because you're rich or famous."
"Are you rich outside of all this?"
"Yes and no. My mom and dad had money when it first got out I was loaded. Then a few months back my mom kicked me out because she found out about all this." She said moving her hands up and down in a motion to look at her suit. She hesitated before telling me a little more. "...My dad was a cat burglar. I loved him and I guess I took after him. I already never forgave my mom for divorcing him. He tried to go clean, he really did. But when you're a notorious convicted felon applying to all the companies that you stole from, not a lot of people are gonna wanna hire you. Because it came so easy for a side piece that pretended she wasn't an accomplice to get a big official job and since she didn't need the money from him anymore, she divorced him and took me with her... last year he died trying to rob Doc Oc." She shed a tear and quickly wiped it away. "That's when I became Black Cat. Thing was my dad was smart. My mom found out eventually and told me to stop idolizing a scumbag! So I left before I hit her and when I came back my clothes were on the lawn. Thankfully, I sell the stuff I don't like all that much to art thieves and I had cash to burn so I got myself a nice little penthouse. And then replacing all of the stuff my mother kept burned through the rest of it. So I live more like a person pretending to be rich now. If funds get too low I have my ways besides burgling."
"Is tonight for business or for pleasure?"
"Pleasure. Asshole thinks he can put a hit on me and get away with it? As if." She said lightly chuckling.
"Back to what you've been saying though because I don't want to just breeze by everything you just said. I'm sorry to hear about your parents, really. Earlier I had a friend tell me about how their dad is an asshole and her mom is the saint, I can't imagine how much is must hurt having either of your parents be pieces of shit though. And with your friends have you tried not playing a character? Maybe even talking to that asshole?"
"He hates me because I'm a snobby elitist bitch."
"Because he thinks you're a snobby elitist bitch. Or maybe not at all. You said it yourself, it's his way of weeding out the psycho-ants. Maybe let him know who the real Black Cat is... or whoever is under the mask." I explained to her. She stared at me for a few seconds her mouth half opened.
"Is it sad you're my closest friend?"
"Absolutely. I do have to ask, though. What today brought up this revelation all your friends are shitty?"
"Basically I was out with three of them today. One of them I absolutely can't stand. She's the worst when it comes to the ass kissers I was talking about. And the worst part is she sucks at it. Everyone hates her. She's only got a little attention because of you."
"Because of me?"
"Apparently you robbed a place she was at once or something and she acts like you kidnapped her and everyone thinks she's cool by association with you. This other one I clash with all the time, we aren't really close friends we've only been talking to each other for like a week now. She used to be the guy from earlier's best friend and would always get super annoying when I tried talking to him before but now they barely talk. And you'd think she'd shut up about him afterwards but now all she does is sulk about how she was a bad friend or whatever and the other two are always trying to help her out by either telling her how to be his friend again or to forget about him. Honestly from what I can gather she's the shit friend and maybe just get out of his life."
"Do you not hate this one as much as the first one?"
"I don't. Honestly we never clicked but I guess I respect her because she openly didn't like me. I guess that's kinda fucked up Id rather talk to someone that hates me than everyone who pretends to like me. And she's been cooler the few times we've talked one on one. Maybe I like her because I hate me."
"Maybe you could try actually being you. Maybe all the friends you hate won't like the real you. Maybe all the people you think hate you like the real you. Because I'll be honest, the little I know about the real you I already like a lot. What punk bands are you into?"
"Sex Pistols. Sometimes I wish I was Sid Vicious instead of me. Complete asshole but even after being dead for almost 50 years a bunch of people love him. Plus I could live fast die young."
"Small world, I also wish I could live fast and die young at times. I guess we're on track to doing that right now, huh?" I said before I looked at the cameras. "Hey I think everyone's asleep. Why don't we let off some steam the way I usually do when I feel like this?"
"Depends. How do you let off some steam?"
. . .
"I wonder how much this cost before I drew this giant penis on it." I thought to myself as I finished spray painting King Pin's portrait in his dining room. For some reason he had a fireplace in there with his elongated dinner table and the painting rested over the fireplace.
"The look on his face when he finds out you drew a dick on it? Priceless." Black Cat said has she took a picture of a guard laying on top of another guard with both their pants pulled down. "Much like these two's faces when I put them up... somewhere. Maybe I should make a Black Cat twitter account."
"Police can track your phone through that, dummy." I said webbing two marble busts and pulling them down to hit unconscious guards in the head.
"I'll tweet from someone else's phone." She said scratching some holes into a picture of King Pin standing next to a horse... dressed like a Revolutionary War general. Certainly looks more traditional.
"That's a lot of work to go through just to tweet soft core gay porn on the internet." I said as I started to shake a spray paint can to deface an oil painting of dinosaurs getting hit by a meteor.
"Wait, don't do that one!" She ran over and took it off the wall. "We can resell these ones! Miscellaneous art that has no real ties to Fisk!"
"Fiiiiiiiiiiiine." I said before spray painting the walls to say WILSON SUCKS EGGS. Black Cat tried to contain her laugh but she ended up bursting.
"That's so stupid!" She said in between laughs. I walked over to a different painting of King Pin, this one with his wife in it.
"Hey, Cat, I just got an idea."
"Oh, Cat, is that like my nickname?" She asked as she rolled up the dinosaur painting and put it under her arm. "I like it, Spider~."
"I... don't like that I liked the way you said Spider as much as I did." I said. "Anyways, take my phone."
"You have your phone on you?"
"I got sick of losing it in my normal clothes so now I just keep it attached to my forearm." I said pulling it off.
"I was hoping you hid it somewhere else. Anyways, so much trust. Couples that live with each other don't even trust their significant others like that."
"One, stop making this weird. Two, for the record I like real Black Cat that was just trashing this place with me a few minutes ago better then flirty Black Cat that almost bit my tongue off."
"That was an accident!"
"What the f- no it wasn't!"
"Well if it makes you feel better I'm sorry. Now give me the phone you big dummy." She said. "Dazzler wallpaper? What are you an incel?"
"Dazzler isn't incelcore she's just punk!"
"I'm fucking with you. I happen to also listen to Dazzler."
"Alright, smartass get ready to record." I said as I took the painting and it's frame off the wall. I shot a web and shot myself up to the top of the staircase leading into the room we were in.
"Oh my god, what are you doing?" She asked with a big smile on her face, she knew I was up to no good.
"You'll see! Start recording!" I told her.
"Alright, we're rolling!"
"Hi, I'm the Arachnid-kid and welcome to jackass!"
"We're not calling you the Arachnid-kid!" Black Cat shouted. I placed the painting beneath my feet like a surfboard before webbing my feet to it. I then shot some webs up to the ceiling to pull myself up and onto the railing before surfing it down. I made it almost all the way ////////down before I lost balance towards the end. If I didn't act fast I was going to hit the candelabra that was still lit in the middle of the table so I quickly shot a web to the fireplace and crashed into the picture I drew a dick on causing Cat to laugh. I went threw the picture and it felt like I sunk into the wall before falling down onto an unconscious goon. Cat laughed a little more while recording me pulling the painting off of me. "Be honest, was that better than just going into the candles?"
"...Maybe." I said before we heard something move. I looked behind and saw as the fireplace expanded and the brick wall behind it folded exposing a room with all white stainless interior. It looked straight off a Star Trek ship.
"Woah." Cat simply said. She was still recording. I ripped the webs off from my feet and walked into the room.
"This is some other worldly comic book bullshit." I said half to myself. Not too far in there were huge gun racks with guns I'd never seen before, although to be fair, I don't really know a lot about guns. There were also a selection of highly decked out cars. All of them looked like they came fresh out of Los Santos Customs. I took one assault rifle off the rack and as I set it in my hands, two more barrels appeared on its sides. "Woah! This shit is killer!"
"No doy, they're guns." Cat interjected. She grabbed a pistol and shot it at a dummy. Electricity came out following the bullet and the dummy was electrocuted for a second after it got shot before it exploded. "HOLY FUCK!" Cat shouted as someone else screamed. Wait, that wasn't me. I looked behind us and saw a woman standing there in a bathrobe. She looked like King Pin's wife from the pictures. "What the fuck, why isn't she asleep!?" Cat said while throwing me my phone. I shot a web at it to pull it over to me.
"I don't know, you're the fucking gas expert!"
"I told you I suck at science!"
"What are you doing in my house!?" The wife asked. "Why have you destroyed my home!?"
"Well, madame, I hate to break it to you but your husband is a cunt." Cat said before alarms started going off in the armory. And then...
"Are those fucking robots!?" I asked as they rose out of the ground with cannon hands, like super battle droids or some shit. They also had purple glowing eyes.
"UNREGISTERED GUNFIRE DETECTED. THREAT TO BE ///////TERMINATED." One of the robots said.
"Now Wait just a damn second did he just-"
"RUN!" Cat shouted as I jumped out of the way and she rolled. There were about ten of them. I dodged all of their gunfire very narrowly, contorting my body in ways I didn't know were possible. Cat was also having quite the gymnastics show. She eventually made her way back to the gun rack and shot a shotgun that released two small missiles. They hit two different robots but as the smoke cleared they remained unfazed, with a purple energy field blinking out of existence around them.
"OH FUCK OFF THAT'S CHEATING!" I said as I pulled a support beam down onto one of the robots. The purple barrier appeared again and while it looked at what hit it, I shot another web at it this time, and kneed it in the face. It's head spun around and I jumped out of the way of another robot shooting bullets that instead shot the one I hit successfully.
"DO THAT AGAIN NINE MORE TIMES!" Cat shouted as she ran around trying not to get shot while throwing a grenade at them.
"NO! MY KNEE HURTS LIKE HELL AFTER— WAIT HEY DID YOU JUST THROW A B-" I said before jumping up to the ceiling last second. The bomb went off and the ground was now covered in lava that melted their feet and lower legs off.
"THAT FUCKING PSYCHO COMMISSIONED LAVA BOMBS!?" Cat said. The robots then started to fly out of the lava. Fucking Christ they have jet packs.
"CAT, DIDN'T YOU HOTWIRE A CAR A FEW DAYS AGO!?" I began jumping around dodging again and so did Cat. One of them looked like he was charging something in his wrist cannon.
"WHAT ABOUT IT!?" I hopped out of the way of the robot that shot a huge purple energy blast at me and it hit the car behind me shattering all of its glass.
"DO IT AGAIN! IF THAT ISN'T A SIGN FROM GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!" I said. She ran for it as I began to shoot webs at all of the robots faces. "HEY ASSHOLES I'M THE ONE YOU WANT!" I shouted. They kept trying to shoot me as I kept drawing their attention back to me with webs I knew weren't going to do shit. Then a giant missile blew one to shreds and three or four of them caught on fire but kept shooting at me.
"GET IN!" Cat shouted from the front of a purple car with a metallic finish with smoke coming out a hole in the front, presumably from the rocket. I quickly jumped in and ducked my head as Cat drove off. The bullets ricocheted off the car for the most part.
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING!?"
"OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL!"
"WHAT HOLE IN THE-" I was cut off by Cat shooting another rocket at the wall. Before the smoke cleared she floored it, going somewhere between 80-120. We went straight into the gated area outside of Kingpin's mansion and into the streets diving between cars. "HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT AWAY WITH THAT!"
"YEAH ///////////I CAN'T BELIEVE—" I said before I turned and saw four of them still following us. "THAT THEY'RE STILL FUCKING CHASING US!" I said as they began to shoot again. "FIRE ANOTHER MISSILE AT THEM!"
"I CAN'T! WE HAVE ONE LEFT AND WE CAN'T TARGET THEM WITHOUT HURTING RANDOS IN THE STREET!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW WE ONLY HAVE ONE LEFT!?"
"BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING ROCKET ICON WITH A X1 NEXT TO IT!"
"ALRIGHT THAT MAKES SENSE! DID YOU BRING ANY GUNS!?"
"THAT WAS YOUR JOB I WAS HOTWIRING THE CAR!"
"YOU KNOW BONNIE AND CLYDE NEVER ARGUED LIKE THIS!"
"BONNIE AND CLYDE GOT SHOT UP IN THEIR CAR TO THE POINT CLYDE'S SPINE WAS SEVERED I DON'T REALLY WANT TO COMPARE MYSELF TO THEM RIGHT NOW!" Cat said as then drove off into the city. The robots were still on our tail.
"THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME KINDA OTHER WAY TO GET THESE ASSHOLES OFF OF US!" I looked around and saw a button that said "NITRO (Proto)" on it. "DO YOU TRUST ME!?"
"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT RIGHT NOW!?"
"DRIVE INTO THAT SKYSCRAPER!"
"WHAT!?"
"JUST DO IT!" I said as I stuck half my body out the front of the car. I narrowly dodged some bullets going straight for my head and shot a web upwards at the skyscraper. I pulled with all my strength while trying to bring the car up with me. "HIT THE NITRO BUTTON!" I told Cat. She quickly scrambled to find it and pressed it before a huge flame came out the end and we started driving up the wall after I fell back into the car and crashed into the backseat. I looked out the back and the robots flew up after us before suddenly all blinking out. Their jet packs faded and they plummeted back down to the ground. "We lost them! Holy shit!" I said. Then the flames and nitro faded.
"Uh, Spider?" Cat said with a shaky voice. I looked up and saw we were out of fuel.
"Oh god fucking da-" I said before we started falling and Cat started screaming. I kicked a door open which caused me to come flying out of it like someone opened the exit to an airplane mid flight. "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" I shouted as I shot myself to the wall and tried to run to catch up to the free falling car. I then shot another web onto the car once I got close enough to send myself like a human torpedo towards the car. I planned my landing precisely and dove through the car's window hole and grabbed Cat before kicking out the door on the passenger side. While holding onto her with one arm, I grabbed the top of the car and flipped onto the roof to use as a launch pad to jump off of and shoot a web onto a billboard. We stayed there dangling as Cat held onto me tight and I watched the car plummet to the ground. "Okay, so that could've gone better. I kinda feel bad now because that almost certainly wouldn't have happened if I didn't show up the same night you planned to rob the p-" I began to say before Cat kissed me just as the car hit the ground and exploded. She didn't move my mask up so it wasn't the best kiss in the world. Honestly it felt like a little alien was trying to break through my mask to stab me in the mouth. She pushed my face into it with one hand while she held onto me with her other arm wrapped around the back of my neck. She realized this wasn't really doing anything and pulled away.
"Um... sorry." She said shyly.
"It's fine, it's just uh, no one's ever tried to French me through the mask before."
"Has anyone frenched you at all before?"
"Uh, no. This would be the first time." I said. She then pulled my mask up to my nose before saying "I'll try to make the second time better for you." and kissing me again. This was way different then any of the kisses she gave me before. If anything it reminded me of Gwen with how passionate it was. It was like she was in love with me the way Gwen was. I can't believe I'm still thinking about her while making out with a hot thief with big tits.
Before I could get into it or anything there was the sound of various people shouting, cheering, booing, and taking pictures.
"YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, ASSHOLES!"
"IS THAT THE SPIDER-MAN?"
"WHIP EM OUT! WHIP EM OUT!"
"THE FIRST TIME HE'S IN PUBLIC AND HE'S MAKING OUT WITH A HOT CHICK!? WHAT A GOD!"
"I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"
I pulled us up to the top of the bill board and pulled my mask back down.
"Cops'll be here any minute. Rain check?" I asked her.
"Uh, yeah. I'll see you again, right?" She seemed desperate to know if this was the last time we'd see each other or not for some reason.
"We've accidentally robbed the same joint four times in the last two weeks. I can almost guarantee it." I said. She smiled at me before jumping off the billboard one way and I swung away the other way.I made it a few blocks away from all the flashing lights and was in a dark alleyway on the rooftop. I was about to take my mask off to catch a breather before I remembered the last time I got in a huge fight in public and ran off into an alley to take my mask off. All things considered that was a lot more fun than just destroying King Pin's house. I mean I wouldn't have gotten kissed if Cat wasn't there. And speaking of the kiss it felt... off. I mean I've only had four of them, three of them from the same girl but like I said before there was something different about Cat's this time around. There was a sort of spark. Kinda like—
"HELP!" Someone shouted.
"I'm not even doing anything!" I said looking to see who was threatened by me existing on the roof. Then I realized they weren't screaming because of me. There was a girl being backed into a corner by two guys, one with a knife. These were big guys, too. Both of them looked like they could've been in the UFC Heavyweight Division, which raises the question why the fuck were they mugging some random lady in the middle of an alley way?
"No one's here to save you, whore! All the heroes are dead and you're gonna join 'em if you don't give me what's in your purse!" One of them said.
"HELP SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!"
"Shut up!" One of them backhanded her. That's when I felt my blood started boiling. Someone had to do something. These guys were twice her size, and there were two of them. They're way more powerful than she is... and I'm probably more powerful than them.
And with great power comes great responsibility.
I shot a web at a trash can behind them and pulled it to hit one of them in the head. I jumped down and shot two webs at a wall and drop kicked the other one into a wall and went through the wall with them.
"Hey, jagoffs! Why don't you pick on someone with your own size? Like someone else with a brain the size of a walnut." I ////////asked them before running out and dodging a punch from the other one and shooting a web to his fist so it got stuck to the ground before I ran up a wall and back flipped to double stomp him on the head.
"What the..." The other one got up from the rubble. He angrily charged at me and I monkey flipped him into the other wall and quickly shot a plethora of webs until he got stuck to the wall. I looked back at the lady getting robbed. She let out a whimper and stared at me shaken up before thrusting her purse forward at me.
"H-here! T-take it!"
"Woah hey, cool it! I'm not gonna rob you." I said putting my hands up.
"But aren't you The Spider-Man? The guy robbing all those banks? The guy who destroyed a street fighting Captain Marvel?"
"Uh yeah... yeah that was me." I said oddly ashamed. "But I'm not here to rob you. I only rob banks and other criminals. I just... couldn't stand by and let those guys hurt you, I guess."
"Are... are you sure you're the Spider criminal?"
"How many masked spider people swinging around town do you hear about in the news?"
"Two."
"Oh yeah."
"What I mean is you don't seem like the bad guy the Daily Bugle makes you out to be."
"I am. I'm just trying to be better I guess." I said scratching the back of my head. "Look you should probably call the cops before they wake up. I'd say don't tell them I was here but I kinda left a lot of evidence. Just uh, stay safe alright?" I shot a web to the top of the roof and planned my trip back home from here.
"THANK YOU!" The woman called out to me. I felt a warm feeling hearing that for some reason. Somehow that felt more rewarding than the thousands of dollars I stole from banks and Kingpin and more than trashing King Pin's place. I took it with stride before going to swing my way back home.