Yohan did as he told me over the phone. He came with a barbeque grill, claiming he’ll be making our dinner. Seeing him after what felt like a long time was a relief.
I’d be lying if I say I didn’t hope for his early arrival. For the past days, my thoughts wander to him, and the desire to see him had left me both confused and scared. I found myself waiting eagerly for him, in search for his presence. That’s when it occurred to me that I made an unnecessary attachment.
It’s inevitable in the first place. Yohan is a reliable and sensible person. One would easily create attachment to him, or should I say fall for his acts of service out and the goodness of his heart. I’d like to think that Yohan is perfect but he has own sets of faults. I thought it’d be good enough a reason to stop this occurring feelings residing within me, but it made me more drawn to him and everything about him.
Yohan gets annoyed easily but will never act on it. He once cheated on a test in college. And there was also a time he chickened out on a blind date, leaving the girl waiting for him for an hour. Yohan’s clumsy and there are yet some things he’s still learning like how to use a barbecue grill.
He has his faults and he admits it.
“Pet peeves?” I ask him.
“My pet peeve is having a dirty and unorganized area,” he told me, while glaring down at the mess inside my tent. “Why don’t you fold your sheets and arrange your used clothes in one pile?”
“It isn’t nice to look into a woman’s possessions,” I said, pursing my lips to hide my smirk. Teasing him became a habit lately. It’s fun to watch his brows meet, lips pursing and jaw clenching in annoyance.
“They don’t seem like a woman’s possessions.”
“It’s too much of a hassle. I’m the only one sleeping in it anyway,” I reasoned out. I stretch my arms behind my head as I look above the sky and the setting sun.
“Will you think of cleaning it if I sleep in it with you?”
My eyes widened at his suggestion.
While he’s staying over, he usually sleeps in his car while I’m in my tent. He never made any attempt to approach me without either of my summon or consent.
At first I thought I’d be appalled and feel intruded with his notion, but I didn’t feel anything of some sort. The thought of sleeping beside him left my heart pounding in anticipation.
“I don’t mind,” I blurted out without thinking. In response, Yohan’s eyebrows met and his eyes sharpened as he look at me.
“You shouldn’t be agreeing,” he told me. “What if I’m a bad guy waiting for an opportunity to strike and take advantage of you?”
“I thought you were serious,” I pouted. That seem to make his brows furrow more.
“Ember.”
“Yes?”
“You’re getting on my nerves,” he told me. I couldn’t help but chuckle when I thought of a dirty joke to tease him with.
“Which ones?”
Since he’s in the medical field, I know that he knows what I’m implying.
“Leave little Yohan out of this.” Yohan glared at me from under his hooded eyes, but it only made me laugh harder.
I like teasing him because I wanted to get a reaction from him. Yohan doesn’t disappoint, his reactions are priceless and so do his replies. He has this sense of innocence despite of his cold, snobbish demeanor.
“I’m serious, Ember,” he said. “What if I’m a bad guy? You shouldn’t trust anyone so easily. You don’t know what they’re really after.”
“I can tell that you’re not a bad person.”
Yohan look intrigued. “Really, how?”
“There’s this particular way people look at you when they’re up to something. The eyes tell you things you can’t see in their words and actions.”
Yohan didn’t respond at first, but when he tilted his head slightly to the side I knew he’s still weighing my words.
He look up at me. “You know, not everything we see is right. This may be cliche but you shouldn’t judge a person by their cover. Some people can be the kindest and has the softest eyes, but can still betray you. There are more to appearances than meets the eye.”
This isn’t the first time Yohan’s words had left me speechless. Yohan is a smart guy, sensible and sweet. He’s everything in between, and he’s right, I don’t know him. I only know these qualities of him because they’re what I perceive him as.
Is Yohan really all this things I like to call him, or I’m making him up to be the person he isn’t?
“Well, if that’s the case. I’d like to know you more, Yohan.”
Yohan smiled. “I’d like to know you, too.”
It’s not like we weren’t trying to know more about each these past few days. But, it’s different when you know you’re both trying to make an effort in knowing more about the other. It seems we’re both interested in each other’s worlds, but unfortunately, I’m not that open about mine.
Yohan might have a hard time, so I told him about it.
“I may not look like it but I’m not the most trusting person. I have doubts about the people I meet,” I began, forcing a smile as I recall one fateful night. “I only let others know what they already know, but I’m scared to show what’s under the surface. It’s a chaos I don’t want to drag others into.”
The setting sun brought hues of color across the sky like pink, orange, and yellow brush of colors on a wide canvas. An artist would cry to see such masterpiece.
We sat quietly beside each other, watching the sun sinking into the mountains until it’s gone.
I heaved a breath. “It’s easy to talk to you. Maybe that’s why I’m more open to you, more trusting. You don’t say ‘It’s okay’ or any optimistic shit people like to say even when it’s clear it isn’t.”
Yohan laughed. “Well, that’s because I know saying that won’t change anything. Our problems won’t go away with a simple ‘It’s going to be okay’.”
I smiled at his words, again.
Yohan’s not saying them because that’s what I want to hear. It’s because it’s what he feels.
“Did your plans ever go the way you want it to?”
Yohan shakes his head. “No matter how concrete the plan is, fate will find a way to break it.” He look up dreamily at the sky, probably reminiscing over a memory. “I planned to take my pre-med but due to unforeseen circumstances I was held back for two years. My grandmother got sick, and we needed money, so my plans for college were withhold for a while.”
“Is your grandmother okay?”
Yohan smiled sadly. “She died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for something you have no control over,” he said, smiling to himself. “That’s what my mother told me. After my grandmother died, I blamed myself. I told myself I could’ve saved her if only I finished college earlier. I told her, my mother, that I’m sorry for not saving her, but she told me I shouldn’t be apologizing when it’s out of our hands.”
“She’s right though. It isn’t anybody’s fault.”
Yohan nods. “I know. It was just hard to accept. My grandmother’s been a huge part of my life and losing her felt like something was ripped away from me.”
Yohan told me how he worked tirelessly to save enough money for college. He applied for a pre-med course and after four years, he was able to go to a medical school abroad thanks to a scholarship. Yohan studied hard to get what he has now, he didn’t let the lost years or the loss of a loved one get him down.
He persevered despite of the weight in his heart. In the end, Yohan won.
“How can you get back up after falling so hard?”
Yohan smiled, a small one. “I didn’t fall, Ember. I was crushed. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. Nothing will happen if I just wallow myself in self pity and blame. My grandmother wouldn’t want that for me, and I don’t want that for myself either.”
“But it’s so hard to get up when you don’t know where to go.”
Yohan’s gently placed his hand on my head, then he began to caress it. I don’t know why but my eyes began to water.
“It’s not always going to be easy. We won’t know until we give it a try. Remember, we don’t have the power to see ahead, so let’s make our own path and where it leads. The future is ours, Ember.”
Tears came streaming down my cheeks one after another, and each one Yohan wiped away with his thumb. I felt my lips tremble at the gentle touch. It’s been a while since I cried, and with Yohan, I can be vulnerable. I can be transparent. It’s something I haven’t been able to do for a while now.
For some reason, I’m relieved that I was able to cry today.
“Will you believe me if I tell you that the universe is out to get me and it seems it has a schedule?”
Yohan’s eyebrows met but his eyes was smiling.
“What did it ever do to you?” he ask.
“November is my unlucky month. Well, I’ve always been unlucky but it seems it doubles when this month settles in. Nothing ever goes right for me, or maybe I’m just unlucky.”
“Well, fuck it,” he said which had my eyes widen like saucers.
This is the first time I heard him cuss!
“If the universe wants to fuck you over, don’t let them. Keep moving and prove them wrong.”
I look down on my hands. “But everyone else got it easy, while I’m falling behind.”
“Ember.” I felt his finger below my chin, then he made me look at him. “It’s not a competition on who got it better. It’s about you.”
When we see other people getting it easy, we often think it’s all based on luck alone so working hard is pointless. The lucky ones will always have it good; they’re more talented, richer, prettier and succesful. When you look at them, you’ll realize how wide the gap is.
Some people don’t even have to try so hard because in the end, even if they failed quizzes and exams, they had a better chance at life.
What’s the point of trying when the result will stay the same?
I didn’t realize that I was already crying, not until Yohan wrapped me in his arms and started swaying us in a slow, gentle rhythm.
I felt his breath on my hair, and his lips lightly kissing it.
“Yohan,” I called his name almost in a whisper. “Do you ever get tired dealing with everything?”
His hug tightened. “All the damn time.”
“Are you tired of listening to me?”
“Never,” he replied.
I stare up at him. “Do you want me?”
I saw how his adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallow. His eyes never left mine for a second, they lingered on the mole beside my eye before finally meeting my eyes.
“Always,” he said.
I closed my eyes tightly. I reminded myself to stop hoping for something good out of all this chaos.
It’s still November.
“I can’t,” I confessed. “I can’t, Yohan. I’m sorry.”
I pulled away from his embrace, and without looking back I left the blanket and returned to my tent. I heard Yohan outside, asking me if I’m okay or if he said anything wrong.
I couldn’t tell him.
I can’t go through another heartbreak. Not with him. I don’t want to ruin a good memory of him. Yohan’s the only good thing that’s ever happened to me on November, and holding on to him might change that.
I really don’t want to let him go but... keeping him in my heart is better than losing him.