Content warnings; mental breakdown, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and attempt.
I roused to Ymir and Historia making a raucous with their loud voices. I noticed that the sky was an amalgam of light pink and blue. It was approximately five in the morning and our flight leaves at Eight. I wished that I could stay here forever, Paris is beautiful and there's so much more I wanted to do. It felt like a dream that was now coming to an end.
The thoughts of Eren kissing me was still on my mind as well. I wanted to confront him about it, but at the same time, I didn't want to pressure him into spilling his feelings. However, I've been feeling very vague and I don't know why it felt like something ignited inside of me when the kiss happened.
"Good morning, besties! We have to leave in a couple of minutes, so make sure you have everything." Historia spoke, tightly holding her luggage.
"But I don't want to leave!" Sasha whined.
"Yeah, I don't want to leave either!" Hanji shouted, reluctant to get out of bed.
"I'm sorry, but we have to. Maybe next time, we'll stay longer." Historia half-smiled.
I sighed and went straight to the bathroom to do my morning routine. Afterwards, I threw on some comfy clothes I had brought with me. I gathered all of my other clothes and personal belongings and packed them inside of my duffel bag. We exited out of our hotel room, saying goodbye to it and met up with the boys and Levi in the main lobby. I dissociated myself from everyone and remained quiet.
"Hey, you're awfully quiet." Jean smiled, approaching me.
I shunned him and gazed at Eren, who was conversing with Armin and Mikasa. As my eyes locked onto him, butterflies swarmed inside of my tummy. He swiftly looked over at me, our eyes locking into one another, but his dilated at the sight of me. He turned his attention back to his friends and a burning sensation suddenly fulfilled my chest.
What the fuck is this feeling?
"Um (Y/N), why are you staring at Eren?" Jean questioned me, his tone becoming more serious.
"What?" I replied, feeling disoriented.
"Are you okay, (Y/N)? You're acting a bit strange." He asked me, with a concerned look on his face.
"Just tired." I responded dryly.
I distanced myself from Jean, but he didn't seem to notice. For some reason, I just didn't have the vitality to talk to him right now. All of us had entered the city bus the moment it had ultimately appeared. Instead of sitting next to Jean like I did before, I sat in the very front, away from everyone else, but across from Levi.
"Why aren't you sitting with those idiots you call your friends?" He asked me, crossing his legs and drinking hot tea.
"I'm just tired and not in the mood for conversations." I answered, looking outside of the window to admire the view one last time.
"You sound like me." He stated, staring straight head.
The whole entire bus ride to the airport, was just me thinking about Eren, Levi staring into space, Sasha complaining about food, Connie cracking dad jokes, and everyone else just having normal conversations. We had finally arrived at the bustling airport, with our passports in our hands. After what felt like an everlasting queue we had to wait, we finally entered our plane after it landed.
I had no other choice, but to sit with Jean. Before sitting down in the window seat, I placed my bag in shelves above us. I sighed and sat down, resting my head in the palm of my hands.
"I missed you on the bus today." He stated, as he was putting his bags on the shelf as well.
"Yeah.." I answered.
He sat down, "You seem like you have a lot on your mind." He replied.
"I do." I agreed. After that kiss with Eren, I was unsure of my feelings for Jean—It was like that kiss had altered everything. Hell, I can't even look at Eren how I did before. The sight of him use to peeve me, but now the sight of him makes me feel timorous.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, politely.
"No I don't, I'm sorry." I replied, avoiding his glances at me. No way in hell was I going to tell him Eren and I kissed. Who knows how he'd react? Besides, it's not really his business anyway.
❀
After we landed back in Shiganshina, I met up with Historia and her chauffeur. We entered the car and the ride back, was just Historia and her chauffeur chatting about Paris. I remained silent, just listening in on the conversation. I knew I could trust Historia, so I decided to talk to her about how I've been feeling. We had finally arrived at her house. I grabbed my bag and hopped out, along with her.
"Historia, can I talk to you for a minute?" I questioned.
"Sure. I've noticed that something was bothering you all morning, but I didn't want to pry. What's up?" She faced me, with concerned eyes.
"Eren and I kissed..and...I don't.." I replied, slightly choking up on my words.
"You're feeling conflicted, huh?" She asked.
Spot on..
"Yeah, I am and I don't really know what to do." I sighed, rubbing my forehead from frustration.
"...Who do you think is right for you? If you can't answer that, then let your heart answer it for you." She smiled, rubbing my arm.
"Ever since Eren kissed me last night, I've been feeling different and now the sight of him just weakens me." I explained, a pink tint spreading across my cheeks.
"Maybe you're just now feeling something that was already there." She replied.
What does she mean by that?
"I don't know, this is just too much." I sighed, feeling bitter about my feelings.
"Don't pressure yourself. Remember that you don't have to rush into anything, so give yourself time to see where your heart leads you." She commented, giving me an angelic smile.
"You think so?" I questioned.
"Of course. From personal experience, I was stuck between two people who both loved me, but I followed my heart and it led me to the greatest girlfriend I could ever ask for." She elucidated, blushing timidly.
"It took me a while to come to my decision, but in the end it was worth it. Whatever decision makes you happy, will make me happy too." She continued, pulling me into a hug.
"Thank you, Historia!" I hugged her back as tightly as I could.
"...(Y/N)." Historia called out, before I started walking away.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Keep in mind that whatever choice you do make, someone will get hurt in the end." She responded.
I nodded and threw the duffel bag straps over my shoulder. I headed back to the place I dread the most. I wouldn't dare call this place my home, since it doesn't really feel like one. I arrived home and noticed an eerie envelope at the foot of my doorstep.
I grabbed it and I went straight into my room to unpack my clothes and my bathroom essentials. I walked back downstairs with the envelope in my hand.
I noticed that it was from my dad. My eyes lit up with elation, my heart literally felt like it was thumping out of my chest. When my dad goes on a business trip, I usually don't hear from him for a couple of months. It's only been a week since he has left and I've already received a letter.
I eagerly opened it:
To my dearest daughter,
In order to keep you safe, I've come to the decision to send this letter as my last words to you. It's a shame that I can't see you grow up into the strong, independent, beautiful young woman I raised you to be. I wish that I could come home one last time, but I can't. Hopefully, you'll learn the truth and understand one day, if not today. I love you (Y/N), and I always will.
Sincerely, Dad.
It was nice to hear from my dad, but this wasn't the letter I was expecting. This was a cruel heartbreak and it was enough to send me over the edge. I couldn't believe a single word I read. Tear drops fell onto the paper, the exact moment I read those last words.
My knees had weakened and I almost dropped to the floor. Tears were now spurting out of my eyes, uncontrollably. I didn't understand, no, I couldn't understand why this had to happen to me. I couldn't understand why he had to leave me.
But what I did understand, was that I couldn't repeat this never-ending cycle of pain and isolation over and over again anymore. It was all too much, all too much for a stupid, weak, teenaged girl like me to bare on her shoulders on her own.
I couldn't breathe, my chest became heavy and queasy, my hands were shaking and my body was trembling with every step I took. I weakly ambled to the bathroom. Oh, what a mess I looked; hair slightly frizzy, eyes now bloodshot red, face pale, cheeks stained with tears.
I could barely look in the mirror, it pained me to even see a reflection of myself—I didn't want to see how pathetic I looked. The pain I felt internally my whole childhood, was now showing on my face. It felt as if the pain in my eyes, could now tell a million stories.
I forcefully starting ripping strands of my hair out, as I let out deafening and wrenching screams, until my throat suffered the painful consequences. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time, before I started punching it as many times as I could, causing it to shatter.
My knuckles had fresh cuts all over and they were bleeding, but that pain just wasn't enough. I helplessly slid my back down against the wall, covering my head and listening to my refuting thoughts.
You have no one now. No family, no place you can call home. Everything you did was to make your dad proud, and where did that get you?
Where did that lead you? Further down the path of suffering.
What would mom do if she was still here?
What would dad do if you were gone too?
Would he care?
Would that make him come back?
Will he suffer just as you did?
How is it fair that he lives a life without struggle, but I live a life with suffering?
Thoughts upon thoughts, even my own voice were rumbling inside of my fucked up mind and I couldn't stop them. A plethora of self reflections laid on the floor, reminding me of how worthless I truly was.
I closed my eyes, and hesitantly grabbed a piece of glass that were on the bathroom floor and began cutting my arm, viciously. I opened up my eyes again and saw the blood running down my arm and it tingled with pain, but I knew that it would all be worth it in the end.
I've spent my life trying to be the perfect daughter for him, trying to live up to his expectations when in reality, it didn't matter in the end. He never introduced me to any of my other family members, he never let me have friends, he never let me go outside and live a normal childhood. Instead, he let me sit in total isolation, battling the sorrow of my mother's death, depression, and anxiety for years. While he got to leave and do whatever he pleased.
Even after my mother died, that sick bastard knew I had no one, no one I could fucking depend on. It was always me, myself, and I. It was like he wanted to keep me away from the world, away from everyone. He wasn't there for me, nobody was, and I was only just a kid.
My mother was the only one who I knew truly cared about me, which is why my life went to straight shit after her passing. I knew a part of her was still with me with that ribbon she had given me. If I wanted it to end like this, I want her to be with me, in the palm of my hands.
I held my wounded arm with my hand to stop the blood from dripping onto the floor. I walked to my living room, searching for the ribbon. I tore my house down to it's core, throwing the cushions, flipping the tables and chairs, rummaging through the cabinets. I even went into my room to check my drawers, my closet and my bathroom, but I still couldn't find it.
Where did I put it? Don't tell me I lost the one thing that was actually valuable to me.
I didn't want to give up on looking for it, but my body was on the verge of collapsing. I felt extremely weary all of a sudden, to the point I felt like I could go into a deep hibernation. I uncontrollably dropped to the floor, my eyes reluctant to stay open. I ultimately let them close, as my body deadened any and every pain I was enduring. For once, I felt empty.