She opened her eyes and instantly felt a bout of nausea rising up in her stomach and tears burning in her eyes – just like every year on this day. She swallowed and focused on her breath, calm and steady. She missed his warm and protective embrace, she missed looking into his eyes, but when she turned around, she found that his side of the bed was empty. Only Lola was there. Her little girl, or not so little anymore, who had been through all this with her for so many years already. The old dog whimpered, then licked her hand and lay down next to her to snuggle for a bit. How well her baby girl knew her and the amount of empathy that dog could feel almost brought her to tears once more.
And then, the smell of freshly made waffles had reached the bedroom upstairs and Lana sat up with a frown. She could not resist the delicious scent though and decided to put on a brave face, threw on an oversized cozy t-shirt and went down to meet him in the kitchen.
„Good morning, babe!", he was almost offensively cheerful, she found, as he greeted her with a little kiss, „How did you sleep?"
„Uhm... alright, I guess? You made waffles?"
„Yeah, I hope you're up for waffles this morning?"
„I'm up for waffles anytime, you should know me better than that by now", she smirked.
While they were eating their breakfast on the patio, she asked, chewing, with her mouth full: „So, what are we doing this weekend? Are we going anywhere?"
„Not really, or at least not far away, I thought we can have a nice day exploring the perks of LA today? I got a few things planned."
„Oh, well that sounds very interesting, I'm curious!"
„You can be!"
This time, he drove her south towards Long Beach, and eventually they were pulling up into the parking lot of the „Aquarium of the Pacific". There it was again, that nauseous feeling and the burning tears, but she still couldn't deny that she was getting excited.
„You're taking me to the aquarium?"
He smiled and nodded. „I thought, since you love marine life? I'm sure you haven't been in a long time. It's not really a place we visit often, as adults."
She swallowed and forced herself to keep smiling. „No, you're right... we don't. When I was a kid... my father often used to take me to the New York Aquarium on Coney Island."
He saw that she was getting emotional and gently squeezed her hand. „Are you okay? You'd rather leave?"
She took a deep breath, then shook her head. „No! I think it's a great idea, actually, and really exciting. Thank you so much, baby!"
She thanked him with a kiss before she got out of the car.
They had an amazing time at the aquarium and he almost managed to make her forget which day it was today. They marveled at the coral reefs, sharks, penguins, seals, sea otters, and of course thousands and thousands of the most diverse kinds of fish, and Jordane did an amazing job at pretending to be interested in her rambling on and on about everything she knew about the respective animals, as in her second, never fulfilled, career she'd still have loved to become a marine biologist.
„What's your favorite animal?", he asked her.
„Oh my God, the seal! I always wanted to be a seal when I was younger!"
He had to laugh. „Seriously? A seal?? Not a princess or something?"
„Nah, that's so boring!"
„And still, you ended up playing a queen?"
„Well, they didn't have any ‚Evil Seal' in that show, unfortunately... How about you? What's your favorite animal?"
„Of those we've seen today?"
„Yeah, or, in general."
He thought about it for a bit. „Hmh... I really liked the penguins. And the otters! You remind me a bit of the otters, actually."
„Why is that?", she chuckled.
„I don't know, because you're cute, and you have those cute dark eyes and your hair is all messy when you wake up in the morning. And you're just as bubbly as them, but chill at the same time, just floating on the water without a worry in the world."
„Awww, that's a cute comparison! Yeah, maybe... I think I can see that! You remind me of the penguins, actually."
He raised his eyebrows in curiosity. „Really?"
„Yeah! You're majestic, but also a bit clumsy at times, and your muscles make you look quite bulky, but you're still incredibly nimble, like penguins in the water. And", she smiled, „I don't know, you're... warm, somehow. You keep me warm and shield me from the cold, if that makes sense, literally and metaphorically. And also, penguins are very loyal animals, they're monogamous, and they share parenting duties much more than animals usually do, and... I mean, you don't have children, so of course I can't say for sure, but the way I know you, you must be an amazing, caring and devoted father. One day..."
He looked at her, his smile slowly turning into a more serious look. Each time the topic of children came up somehow, whether they were watching something on TV, or sometimes even just seeing playing children run by, there was a strange tension between them for a moment or two. And he wasn't quite sure what she had just meant by her comment. That she wanted him to be the father of her child or children? That she didn't believe they'd stay together and he'd eventually have a family with someone else? Or something completely different? They hadn't talked about it anymore since their conversation in Hawaii, he'd never dared to bring it up again and so was even more surprised that she did. For him it was still crystal clear, even though their relationship was still so fresh and it was probably crazy and naive to even imagine: having a child with her would be a dream come true!
„Uhm... yeah, maybe. One day", he wasn't quite sure how to respond, „I mean, if I ever have children, that is, I don't need..."
„I know", she interrupted him and waved it off, „It's okay, I'm sorry, I brought it up. You want an ice cream?"
***
As it turned out, the aquarium was not the only thing he had planned for them today. They drove back north towards the city center for a good 40 minutes, she became quieter and quieter, and when he had parked the car on the parking lot in front of the Dodgers stadium, he saw that she had buried her face in her hands, she was crying. His heart stopped for a moment, he really hadn't expected such a strong reaction.
„Oh God, baby, what's wrong? Come here!", he pulled her into his arms, gently stroked her hair and rocked her back and forth, „Shhh, please... don't cry! Please. I'm sorry, Lana, I'm so sorry! I didn't want to..."
„You knew it, didn't you? All along?", she gasped under violent sobs and looked at him with swollen eyes, „You knew it was my father's birthday today?"
He bit his bottom lip and nodded. „Of course I knew, baby... I'm your boyfriend. I'm so sorry, I didn't think it would..."
„It's okay", she interrupted him again, „It's perfect, actually... thank you!"
A load fell off his shoulders and he sighed in relief. „I was texting with your mother. She told me about the things your father would often do with you. Make you waffles... go to the aquarium, or to watch a baseball game."
She sniffed and nodded, tried to wipe away her tears, but there were just too many. The truth was, there probably hadn't been any of her father's birthdays since his passing that she had managed not to cry and hold it in for this long, but here and now her feelings, all her pain of missing her papi, had to get out.
„He always took my sister and me to watch baseball on his birthday, that's true... I'm not sure what I should think about you texting with my mother though?", she laughed under her tears.
He smirked. „Why not? Your mom's cool! We're like this close now", he held up his hand and crossed his fingers, „And she sends me embarrassing baby pictures of you."
„No, she does not!", she gave him a slap on the chest, and he chuckled.
„You'll never know."
Then he handed her a tissue and she blew her nose, while he continued stroking her back to calm her down.
„You can tell me about him, you know... if you want to? You barely speak about him. Because it hurts, I'm sure. But, remember what I said when we were in Hawaii. I want to be there for you, in the good times and the bad. Not just when you're happy, but I also want to be there for you to give you strength when you feel that you can't move on, or to hold you when you cry. You can share everything with me, the joy as well as the pain."
She nodded. „You're right, I will. You would have liked him, you know? And he would have liked you. He would also have threatened to smash in your testicles with his baseball bat if you ever broke my heart, but then he'd have given you a pat on the back and shared a beer with you. You have the same kind of humor. Well... you're both gemini, so no wonder you share certain similarities."
By now, he himself had tears glistening in his eyes. He nodded with a sad smile. „That feels good to hear. I'm sure he was a great man, your papi. It's really a shame I never got to know him. From what you told me about him, I'm sure we would have gotten along. And, I love to watch and play ball too!"
He turned around and reached into a box on the backseat to pull out a baseball jersey... white, with thin red stripes, a jersey from the Phillies, number 27, and a name on the back: Parrilla.
„Oh my God", she mumbled, threw her hands over her mouth and began sobbing again.
He looked at her, not sure what to make of this. „Too much?"
She shook her head eagerly and sniffed. „No, I just haven't seen it in a while, I was actually wondering whether it had gotten lost during the move back to LA from Vancouver."
She reached for the shirt and pressed it to her heart.
„Looks like your mom had it all along. And not just that one...", he pulled out a second shirt and looked at her with a question in his eyes.
„Would you allow me to wear his name and honor him with you, on his special day?"
She looked at him and couldn't believe it. Whenever she thought that he couldn't be any more perfect, loving, caring, sweet and considerate, he proved her wrong once again. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight, still sobbing, crying her mascara into his t-shirt.
„I guess that's a Yes?"
She could only nod and snivel: „I love you so much, Jordane!"
She probably took about 20 pictures of him in her dad's jersey, he looked so handsome and he was so proud to wear it, and she was proud of him. They must have looked pretty ridiculous, in their matching jerseys from a completely different team, but they didn't care. As soon as she stepped into the stadium, her tears were gone and she couldn't stop smiling. He asked her to keep her hands off the snacks though, no hot dogs, churros or popcorn, since he still had a special dinner planned for when they'd be back home.
In fact, he was planning to cook a typical Puerto Rican dinner: ‚Mofongo', a savory dish based on fried bananas, and ‚arroz con gandules' – rice with pigeon peas – served with ‚lechon' – suckling pig.
He was so eager to prepare this meal for her and he was working so hard in the kitchen that she didn't even mind the whole dinner taking multiple hours, most of which she'd sit by herself waiting for him, but once they were finished – it was already past midnight – she didn't let him return to the kitchen again. Instead she pulled him upstairs with her so she could finally thank him appropriately for this emotionally intense but absolutely wonderful and perfect day, on this day that usually hadn't had much else in store for her than sadness, tears and an all encompassing feeling of being all alone in the world. But now: he was there, and that changed absolutely everything.
***
The following weekend it was her turn again, and she had once again chosen to leave the city for the weekend. This time they went up north to Napa Valley in Wine Country for a weekend full of pampering: a luxury suite in a spa resort, massages and facials, jacuzzis, incredible cuisine with breathtaking views, some horseback riding even – and lots and lots of booze.
When the sun had set, they were still sitting outside on their private patio enjoying the warm summer night with a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, she was sitting on his lap as they were making out, almost ready to take this inside – when her phone rang.
„Babe", he eventually sighed in between kisses after the tenth buzz, „I think you need to take this, whoever it is is extremely persistent."
She let go of his lips with a grunt and reached for it.
„Hello?... Oh, hey Leo!... I'm great! We're in Napa for the weekend, actually, and it's amazing! I haven't been in way too long... Tomorrow night, why are you asking?... Right, the Pride party, no, no, of course, I remember. But... wait, when is it?... Monday? This Monday?... That's... that's the 21st?... Oh geez, I can't! I'm afraid I need to cancel... It's Jordane's birthday... I know, I know, I'm sorry! I didn't know back then. I'm sorry, I need to drop out... I know, but Leo, it's my man's birthday and obviously, I want to celebrate with him... Yes, I know, it's a shame. But, I'm sure you're gonna have tons of fun!... Alright. Next time, okay? I promise!... Okay... We will! Thanks, Leo... Take care, bye!"
„What was that about?", he stroked her back as she was still straddling him, snuggling up to his chest.
„That was Leo. You know? My DJ friend who recorded the song with me."
„Yeah, of course, I know Leo."
„He called me about a party for LA Pride at W Hollywood hotel that I wanted to go to, we were planning to perform ‚It's Over Now' there, live, but I completely forgot that it's on your birthday. So, as you heard, I canceled."
„But why?"
„Why? Well, because it's your birthday on Monday, baby, and I want to be at your birthday party! Or... do you have other plans?"
He shook his head: „No, no! I don't. Actually... I'm not even planning to have any kind of party. I have no plans."
„Well... then maybe it can just be the two of us, we have a nice dinner, or, whatever you like? Maybe go to the drive-in cinema?"
„That sounds great, but I wouldn't mind going to that Pride party?"
„What? No, come on, it's your birthday!"
„So?"
„So, you shouldn't spend it with just my friends and a ton of people you don't know? You already looked kinda lost at Luciana's opening last week."
He laughed: „That was the first party I went to in over a year! And it was fun!"
„Oh, I don't know..."
„I really enjoyed it! Plus, if I get to see and hear you perform your song, that's actually the coolest birthday gift I could imagine."
She frowned, though she also had to smile at that comment. „Really?"
„Really!"
„Are you sure?"
„Yes, babe", he ran his hands up and down the sides of her body to reassure her, „I think it's a great way to spend my birthday. I was planning to celebrate with my family next weekend when we're in Atlanta, but that's it. You should tell Leo you're coming. And me too, if that's okay?"
She rolled her eyes and laughed. „Oh my God, yes, of course that's okay! Without you I won't go, period!"
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, going back right to where they had left off.
„I'll only need to make sure that", she whispered against his lips, „all women – and men! – at that party are fully aware at all times that you're mine!"