L I L Y
Antonio was sleeping in Leo's room tonight so he could keep a close eye on him. I chose to sleep in Zac's room, craving the comfort of my eldest brother, whilst trying to give some in return. I could tell how he felt by the defeated look in his cerulean eyes. It broke my heart to pieces. I hoped he knew how much each of us appreciate him.
Jack and I may not have been part of this family for very long, but I couldn't help feel an overwhelming sense respect for Zac, I knew Jack felt it to. Being only twenty four and having to take care of your ten younger siblings must take its toll. He's been the legal guardian off the boys since he was a teenager and playing the role of a parent long before that.
I couldn't help the pang of pity that washed over me, thinking of everything he's missed out on in life. Sure he has Grey, but I think we all forget that our second eldest brother is only twenty one. He's at an age where he should be going out to clubs, partying with friends, finding a girlfriend and just living his life. He shouldn't be here having to help take care of a pack of teenagers.
They've both gave up what was meant to be their best years, all to take care of us.
I'll be eternally grateful.
"Are you okay?" I mumbled tiredly, turning round in the large king size bed to stare at my eldest brother, bringing the soft navy duvet up to my chin.
"Mhm, I'm fine Lil." He sighed, using his pointer finger to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. His eyes never leaving the screen of his laptop, as he read over the email Dr Owens sent him regarding Leo.
"You don't have to do that y'know." I told him, I didn't want him to hide his feelings. There's been enough of that happening in this house already.
"Do what?" He asked, his blue eyes leaving the brightly lit screen, meeting my identical ones.
"Pretend." I simply stated. "You take care of all of us, but who takes care of you?" I sat up in the bed, tugging at the sleeves of the hoodie I'd stolen from Ace. "Who do you talk to when things start to become overwhelming? Who do you talk to when you're sad or defeated?" I asked, not once breaking eye contact.
They say that eyes are the mirror of your sole; your eyes speak the truth when everything else is a lie, because in reality your eyes are never quiet. You can fake small things; like a smile or a laugh, but your eyes hold all the honesty, every emotion you feel is spoken through the depths of your iris' — after all, I should know, I played the fake game myself.
Zac's eyes dimmed visibly at my words, he was trying to mask it — but as I've said, I'm more or less an expert.
"Don't worry about me bambina, I've got people I can to talk too." He lied, ruffling my curls — whether that be to distract me or to add to his lie; I'm not sure.
"Who?" I quipped.
"I talk to Grey, sometimes Ryan." He retorted, staring at me intently. "I said, you didn't need to worry."
"Telling me not to feel something, won't stop me from feeling it, Zac." I rolled my eyes mockingly. "Please, talk to me." I plead. "I know you don't go to Grey with your problems, you already hate the fact he helps you out as much as he does." I told him, knowing it was the truth.
"You're right. I don't talk to Grey about everything, he's my little brother; somethings I don't want to burden him with, the same things I won't burden you with." He hooked his pointed finger beneath my chin, staring at me with a look of... admiration? "Thank you, Lily. But, I promise you, I'm okay. I'll talk to Ryan if I need to, okay?"
"Pinky swear?" I asked, holding my hand out in a fist, keeping my smallest finger free.
"Pinky swear." He chuckled, wrapping his much larger pinky around my own, as we each kissed our thumbs.
He closed his laptop, placing it on the bedside table, followed by his glasses before pulling me into a hug, his chin resting on top of my messy brunette curls. I sighed sinking into my brothers embrace, I relished in the feeling of safety he provided.
"Zac?"
"Mhm?"
"Y'know, I don't think you're told this enough. But, we're all extremely lucky to have a brother like you. I can't thank you enough for finally giving me a home, a family. I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how much I love you, 'cause I do, I really really love you."
"Thank you." He whispered, his voice cracking in the process. "I really really love you too."
Wrapped in my brothers arms, the steady sound of his heart beat mixed with the warmth of his body, lulled me to a peaceful sleep.
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Leo slept the full night, with Antonio checking on him every hour; the rest of us doing the same in between. We all sat at the dinning table — minus Leo, as Grey and Ales brought in trays of food; scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and fruits.
We all filled our plates, everyone picking at the food, not truly eating. The conversation was kept light as no one wanted to address the elephant in the room. Elijah had filled our grandparents, uncles and aunt in on Leo's breakdown last night once they'd arrived home.
Just when I thought no one was going to bring anything up; Leo walked into the dinning room. His skin still a sickly shade of white, his eyes swollen and red, his once pink lips now dull and cracked. The sight of him alone broke my heart.
Everyone went silent, all conversation ceased as they blatantly stared at my twin. Idiots.
"Morning Le." Jack called before I had the chance, his tone unweaving as he tried to break the tension.
I repeated the same words, sending my twin a soft smile, to receive a blank look in response. I wasn't upset, I don't mind if Leo prefers not to talk— I hope our cousins don't make a scene. I'm still wary of them; mainly the triplets. I don't like how they treated Leo, and I don't like how they only seemed to feel bad when they found out about Leo's diagnosis. Its as though they thought they didn't see anything wrong until they found out about that. Even if Leo wasn't depressed, their actions served no justice.
Leo glanced at his feet, his bandages squeaking against the tiles, as he slowly made his way to the vacant seat on my left. He didn't eat, nor did he speak or once look any of us in the eye, he was just simply there.
"Leo?" Damon spoke his name so softly, as though any louder would break him. He didn't wait for a response before carrying on — deep down, I think he knew he wouldn't get one. "I'm really sorry about the other day, I didn't mean anything that I said. And, well... I said more when you left... I called you a pussy. To make it worse, I didn't even say it to your face. I know an apology won't take away the words, but if you'll let me, I'd really like to make it up to you fratello. I know I'm a massive dickhead, but I want you to know I love you."
Silence. No response. No acknowledgement. Leo didn't even glance at Damon, though I swore his eyebrows furrowed slightly when Damon said he spoke about him behind his back.
"I'm really sorry too, fratello." Ezra apologised, scratching the back of his neck anxiously. "I may have called you a bitch, but I take it back."
I may have called you a bitch... seriously?
I exhaled audibly, as did the rest of my family — minus the triplets. This really wasn't the time to tell Leo what they'd called him. These three can only be described as idiots.
"What they said."
Here we go again.
Ryder's voice was quiet, but the regret in his tone was clear. He stood from his seat, confusing each of us as he made his way towards Leo. I don't think this is a good idea. Before I could speak— Ryder wrapped his arms around Leo, pulling him to his embrace. The latter done nothing to return the hug, instead — he sat there, staring at the table, his arms hung loosely at his sides.
"Ryder." Jack whispered, causing the boy in question to look at him. "Let him go."
"Oh, um okay." Ryder replied, releasing Leo from his hold. "M'sorry Le, thought you could do with a hug."
"Can you guys leave us to chat with Leo please?" Grey asked, his gaze focused on our relatives. They all nodded, quickly leaving the dinning room.
"Le, we're all really sorry about what happened." Zac began, his voice hoarse as though he were struggling to hold back tears. "I know it was wrong for us to sit back and say nothing. I don't know how your mind works, I've never faced depression so I can't even imagine how you feel. I wanted to see your reaction, that's why I didn't speak up, that's why I practically told the boys not to. I was wrong, there's nothing I can do to change it, but I hope you can forgive me." He told him, his eyes filled with guilt.
Leo still remained silent, his gaze never wavering from the white table top. Truthfully— I'm not even sure he was listening.
All the boys proceeded to apologise, near on the verge of tears as they spoke. Once the apologies stopped, an awkward silence filled the room. No one knew how to address what had happened last night; I'm not even sure if now is the time to do so.
"Zac spoke with Dr Owens." Grey told him, his eyes fixated on Leo's slumped frame. "He wants to see you Le. He's brought your therapy session forward, he'd like for you to meet the therapist in two days. Only if you're comfortable with that."
Leo stood from the table, not sparing any of us a glance as he exited the dinning room. His movements sluggish, as though a simple task such as walking physically pained him.
"Fuck." Carter cussed, slumping in his seat. "I'm so fucking worried about him." He breathed, his voice wavering ever so slightly.
"I'm going to go check on him." I announced, standing up from my chair and quickly leaving the room before anyone could protest.
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I opened the door to my twins bedroom, stepping through the threshold to see Leo sitting cross legged on the floor. His gaze fixated on the open bathroom, the wreckage of his breakdown in clear view. Thankfully, Zac had called a clean up crew and repair team to come later this afternoon. I closed the door behind me, I didn't speak — instead, I silently walked towards him, taking a seat on the soft black carpet.
We sat in silence for what must have been thirty minutes, just gazing at the shattered wood and broken glass. I'd couldn't take it any longer. Gently, I took Leo's hand in my own, being mindful of his injuries.
"You know no ones upset or angry with you Leo, don't you?" I told him softly, keeping my eyes on the bathroom ahead. Although I liked to maintain eye contact, I didn't want Leo to feel ambushed. "We're worried about you, I'm really worried about you." I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. "I don't know what that man," I spat the word harshly, not wanting to bring up our uncles name. "Told you, but whatever he said wasn't true Leo. You're strong, you're kind, you're brave, you're selfless. You saved my life."
Leo's fingers slowly interlocked with my own, I tuned my head to look at him, only to find his pale blue eyes locked on my identical set. "Thank you." He whispered, his voice so quiet I'm surprised I heard him.
"You don't need to thank me, everything I said is true."
His lips turned up into the saddest smile I've ever seen, silent tears found their way down his pale cheek. "It's not, but I needed it."
His words broke me, how little did my brother truly think of himself?
"What makes you think it's not true?" I asked him, bringing my free hand up to wipe away his tears with the pad of my thumb.
"I'm not brave or strong, I'm weak. I didn't save you, you saved yourself with the help of Jack. I wish I could save myself." The last words a mere mumble that I strained my ears to hear them.
"You did save me. That phone call, you ran to the house Leo. You heard a gunshot and that never stopped you from running through the door! If you hadn't of came when you did, I'd be dead, so would Jack! You are brave. One thing your not is weak. Depression is a battle Le, it'll take a lot to get though this, but I'll be with you every step of the way."
"I just wanted everything to stop." His shoulders began to shake as a sob broke from his throat.
I pulled him into my arms, his head laying in the crook of my neck, the warmth of his tears counteracting the coldness of my skin, the dampness causing my curls to stick to my skin like glue. He clung to me tightly, as though he were afraid I'd disappear. His soft sobs grew louder, I could feel my own tears fall as I ran my hand through his hair.
"You're not alone with this Leo, you'll never be alone." I promised him.
The door to Leo's room slowly opened, Callan's worried face coming into view. The worry slowly turning to fear as he seen the state of our brother — his sobs had turned to heartbreaking cries, his full body trembling in the process. Our older brother made his way towards us, pulling both Leo and I into his embrace. I don't know how long we'd been hugging before one by one, the rest of our brothers had managed to join our hug.
And that's how we spent most of the afternoon, the eleven of us silently wrapped in each other's arms providing Leo with the comfort he needed, we all needed.
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End of chapter fifty six.
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