we got engaged in the forest. it was a dream.
right now we walked on the red carpet, all the people staring at us. i was asked to do yet another honering for Cate. I felt uncomfortable and was scared, i could feel the anxiety coming up in my body, going further and further up my body, making my breath unsteady. i was starting to reach for air but i couldn't, it was hard to hide from the reporters, i felt i was drowning when suddenly i felt cate's hand in mine. I looked up to her with glassy eyes. She gave me a reassuring smile and grabbed my hand a little more. She leaned to my ear and said "don't cry honey it's okay i'm here." I was getting better the moment she touched me, could feel all my muscles relaxing in her touch. She pulled away and smiled at me when she put our hands up and mouthed "turn" so i did. It was one of the happiest moments these last months, i was giggling and smiled hard. We went around and got many pictures taken, still holding hands. For a split of a second i thought she was all mine. For a few minutes it was just us, just her and me against this world.
I was the happiest I've ever been.
Until it changed.
Cate's gaze shifted in a different direction and i wondered what she was so caught up in looking at so i turned my head and saw Andrew. Cate was fixated at him and smiled, she was genuinely happy. until what felt like eternity she looked at me again and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and she let go of my hand. She went, she went to him and left me standing there alone, all the reporter around me. They came to me and asked me so many questions, but all i could do was standing there, watching her disappear in the crowd to go to him. i couldn't move, my eyes started to tear up, i was looking at the spot i last saw her, the first tear now making its way over my face. I realised she would never be mine, her family would always come first.
after a few minutes i freed me from this trance and answered questions and questions, one after another.
I still had to do that speech for cate, i had poured all of my love in it, it was so important to me but suddenly it was only a burden. I went on the spot i should perform it. i wasn't yet ready to do it, my fiancé just chose her ex husband over me, running to him and letting me stand alone with all the people around me.
yet i had to deliver, i had to do what i could do best: act.
so i did. i looked at the piece of paper in my hand, my eyes still full of tears, but in this moment it wouldn't matter, so i looked up with a fake smile on my face, my watery eyes going back to their normal state and i began to speak.
"Hello everyone, it is such an honour for me to do this here today, talking about the most important human being in my life, please welcome my fiancé, the wondrous Caterine Elise Blanchett."
i could see everyone looking at her, at my Cate, she smiled, she looked okay but deep down she knew she hurt me badly. she could see it in my eyes.
"Now i think we can all agree that Cate is unbelievable, which i made clear last time i was doing a speech for her."
everyone laughed, i did too. the only difference was that mine was faked.
"there's so much to say about her, and i think if i said everything we would sit here next week still. so i won't. this will not be an honouring for her, this is a declaration of love. Cate, I think you already know it, but the amount of love i have for you is uncountable. I only know you for a few years personally now, but i feel like i've known you forever, you mean absolutely everything to me. i couldn't imagine a world without you, oh god where i would be if it weren't for you. You are my world, and i hope to never lose you. I hope i never loose this human being, she's engraved in my skin, she influences me in every way imaginable. she controls my emotions with hers, and when she does one little thing that isn't what i imagined it would be she breaks my heart. So in love that i act insane. Cate, i really hope you understand what i'm saying. Thank you for your attention, good rest evening."
In the middle of this speech i felt tears rushing down my face, my voice broke and i just looked at her. She sat there, perfect looking as always, stunningly beautiful. Her blue eyes looked directly into mine and i was sure she understood everything i said.
I rushed away through the crowds, bearing my way through the reporters with questions, which i all declined. I just wanted to get away from this place, i didn't want Cate to follow me, or maybe deep down in my soul i hoped she would, just to prove that she loves me as much as i love her.
when i stood outside at the streets i waited for the taxis to pull up.