Chapter One: Wise Advice
My papa and I were walking down the street in town, and we heard a man bragging about all the things he'd done in the war. He went on and on, like a donkey braying in the night.
Papa said, "Listen to me, son. A man that 's fought in the war don't want to remember what he's done. Only them that did nothin run their mouths. If I's you, I'd stay away from that ole cuss. A feller like that thinks he's cock of the walk, but he's nothin but a windjammer, full of hot air! He thinks his stuff stinks, but he don't know Jay Gould about it. Why, he don't know his head from a hole in the ground. At least, that's the way I'm tellin' you, as a boy, not the way I was told when I was just a little shaver. In my time they used right smart stronger language. A feller like that'll get you in trouble before you can bat an eye, before you can Jack Robinson! I've seen people listen to blowhards like that, and before you know it, they're caught between a rock and a hard place. You'd better hold your horses when hear a smart-aleck like that; don't get in too big a rush or get the cart before the horse. I always called men like that catfish, all mouth and no body. Let me tell ya, if you're gonna go poppin off , you better be ready to put up or shut up. If you don't , you're libel to get your tail caught in a crack. It's mighty easy for a man to let his mouth overload his back! A man that don't tell the truth ain't worth a hill a beans. He ain't worth the salt in his bread. If he won't hold his head up and look ya in the eye, you'd better not trust him. He's as crooked as a dog's hind leg. My grandma usta say he's crookeder than a barrel of snakes! If a man will lie, he'll steal! Why, he'll steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes. My grandma also usta say she'd like to buy a feller like that for what he's worth, and sell him for what he thinks he's worth! Wouldn't that be sump'm? You'd be goin to town then, wouldn't ya? A goin Jessie!
When my papa didn't like somebody, he didn't beat around the bush about it, either. He shot straight from the hip, no bones about it. He wasn't scared to tell 'em how the cow ate the cabbage, and if they didn't like it, they could step out in the street and settle it like a man. Papa would say, "I may not whip ya, but by thunder, you'll know you've been somewhere before I'm through!" You'd better be ready to fight, or keep your shirt on.
Chapter Two: Visitors
That afternoon Aint Laura and Uncle Jess came to see us.
"Hey, get out and come in! Come in! We ain't seen you in a month a Sundays! Come in and chew the fat! How have you been?
We're doin fine! We just thought we'd drop by a spell and see how you're doin. It's been a while since we seen you , and we thought you might be sick or sump em. It seems like its been a coon's age since we saw ya."
Draw up a chair, and tell us how ya been? Don't this weather just beat all? It's hotter than a pistol outside, and when ya come in, you still sweat like a stuck hog. Ain't it the beatenest thing you ever saw! I don't think it's ever been this hot before. I caint stay cool to save my soul from heck!
You're right! A feller gets hot as fox just goin outside. My grandpa usta say hot as a powder keg.
I know what cha mean, but to tell the truth, I've been busier than a cat coverin up.
How is that?
You better believe it! The blamed deer have eaten us our of house and home! I'm havin to build a fence to keep'em out!
Well. I declare! We had a problem with varmints a few months back, and I chained my dog out there . That did the trick. You might want to try it.
I would, but my ornery old dogs ain't worth killin. They turn tail and hide ever time the wind blows. That ole cuss that sold me them dogs shore pulled the wool over my eyes! He oughta be hung by his toes, or right smart worse! Rascals like that don't never seem to get caught. He shore took me for a cleanin, and I ain't seen hide nor hair of him since! If I could only find the scalawag. I'd give him a piece of my mind, plus a lot more! That'ud fix him!
Yep, I spect your're right. That'ud cook his goose! You never ws one to beat around the bush.
The trouble is, the Woolson boys are takin their share as well, and the law don't give a flip whether I ketchem or not. I like elbow room, like Danel Boone, but I ain't got it here no more. Too many folks . I'm still studyin on how to trap em at their own game. It may take a while, but I'll get em.
I'm sorry to hear it. If I kin be any hep to ya, please give me a whistle. How have ya been gettin along!
All right, I guess, other than that. Did you hear about Frank and Cora May?
No, what happened? Are they all right?
Well, she is, but Frank ain't. He got caught stealin a hen from Old man Ross' chicken house , and was shot with a twelve gauge.
Well, I'll swan! I never thought that'ud happen. How is he? Did he make it?
Oh, yes, he's still kicken, but he walks with a limp now.
Chapter Three : A New Job
Well, I'll be damned! If that don't that don't just beat the Jews! I just caint believe it! I knew they were havin' a hard time maken ends meet, but I never thought he take up stealin. He's lucky old man Ross didn't blow his farm head off. To think of Frank stealin. I just caint see it. How are they gonna make a livin now? His share croppin days are over, at least for while, the way I see it.
Cora'll have to take in more washin, and she's already got her hands full with those three younguns.
They did sewin and quiltin for a while, didn't they?
Come to think of it, you're right. When Frank got down in his back from haulen them cross ties on the railroad. I guess her daughter Myra can hep her. She's goin on eleven.
It's a cryin shame that had to happen. You just don't know what goes on in a person's mind. Now those poor childern. What's to become of 'em? Only the Good Lord knows.
Annie and me 'll have to go over and see em. Cora and me always saw eye to eye on most things.
The Dinner Bell Rings
"You men, wrench your hands and come in here! It's time to eat." said ma. "There it is if you like, and there it is if you don't like it. Papa, you say grace."
"Father, we thank you for this food we're about to eat, the hands that fixed it, and Jess and Laura who came to visit. Amen"
This shore nuff looks good, Annie. You always was a jim-dandy cook, the best anywhere around, said Jess.
I just love your grits and poke salad. I've got to get your recipe for collards and turnip greens. I just caint cook it the way you do, Annie, said Laura .I cook em too long, I guess, and they's too dry ever time I fix em..
"Oh, Laura, you don't do no such a thing! Your food is mighty good larrapin, if I do say so myself," said ma.
Pass me some of that ox tail, Gus! I ain't et ox tail since I don't know when, since we came to these parts, I suppose, said Jess.
I like the brains better myself. Scramble em up with eggs, and you caint beat it! my papa said. Jess , you picked just the right time to visit, I'll tell you what! When we have compny, you can always count a good meal!
Oh, hush your mouth, Gus! You know better than to talk like that. I ain't seen you missin no meals! (They all laugh) You're bout as fat as a hog!
Oh, Annie, you know I'se just rilen ya. Your food's the best in the land. Just look at my belly! If it gets any bigger, it's gonna pop!
Folks, that food shore was good! I'd like to say a little longer, but we've got to be gettin along . The cows need milkin before dark, and I don't like to stay out too late, said Jess.
I just caint tell you how god it was to see ya! You'll have to come again and make it soon. I'll get Gus to get out his fiddle and if Jess'll bring his guitar, we'll have a singing to raise the roof. You got a deal?
You better believe it! I ain't played in a long time, and I'm sure nuff lookin forward to it!
You're darn tooten!
Come back to see us!
Ya'll come to see us! You're welcome any time!
Be careful goin home!
Good bye!
Good bye!
Chapter Four: Stealing Chickens
Frank, why in in the name of creation did you think you could steal old man Ross' chicken and get away with it? yelled Cora.
Honey, how do you think we're gonna get by? Old man Pike ain't gonna give us no more time on our rent, and we've got three young uns to raise?
Great guns, Frank Sparks! Is that all you think about? I kin do more, and you kin, too! You do the best you kin! My mama ust to say, That 's all a mule kin do! But you better be darn sure that you don't yell calf rope! You back your ears and go after it, even if it takes the hide off your back! My papa woulda tanned my hide if my brothers acted the way you are now! What about that thicket in Lester Brown's pasture, the one with the large pecan tress that ain't been picked in years? It'll take some work to clear it , but we can do it, if we try. Lester don't care if we use it.
My stars, Cory May, it ud take all summer, and maybe another team, and even then, they may not make. I just caint see how we kin do it.
Honey , please calm down. You know I love you. I'm doin all I can. I'll look agin tomorrow. No door ever shuts before another one opens, my mama always said.
Frank Sparks, I wondered when I married you if you had the spunk to do what it takes to get the job done, and now I know! Why, your as lazy as your Uncle Job! That nab was the samrtest creature ever walked the earht. He could do anyhting and make anyuthing. It just beat the Jews hwo he could somethin out a nothin; but he never done nothin with the gifts that God give him! He just sat out there on that ole hill and dried up. He didn't have the get up and go do a blasted thing, and you're just like him . Good but triflin! I just caint understand it. If a man sees somenbtin that needs doin and just sits on his rump and does nuthin, how's his famly suppost to live? He wouldn't work to save his soul and we ain't suppost to live like that. Your whole family is like that, but I thought you were different. You have the gall to stand here and whine like a sick calf. If you don't want to hep me, by cracky, I'll do it myself!
[The next day Frank came home with a job, not one that he liked, but one that he needed.]
Cora, honey, I got a job today. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Oh, that's music to my ears! I knew you could do it. What will you be doing?
I'm hauling barrels for a man who lives just out of town at the edge of the woods.
What does he do with the barrels?
He uses them to hold mash for the moonshine he makes on the .side
Oh, Frank, I'm so skeered! What if the law ketches ya?
Lawsey, they ain't gonna ketch me. They ain't never been in these parts afore, and they don't know their way around in these mountuns. Honey, please try to calm yourself. You know I love ya, and will do pert near anythin fer ya.
Frank, I'm afeered for ya. If they ketch ya, what will we do? What will the're aimin tof make young uns do?
Honey! Please don't worry! I 've got grandpa's shotgun and my buccanear skinnin knife. That's all I need. I'm goin to town now to get some chewin tabacker.
" I heared you got a new job workin for Jenkins' moonshine outfit?" asked Ed Snipes, as he joined Frank in the street.
Yep, shure nuff. But keep it down, will ya? I don't want to whole world to hear ya.
If you think you kin steer clear of the law ahaulin that wagon of mash, you got another thing acomin, I'll tell you right now. Them wheels make deep ruts , and if your're a aimin to make a pretty penny out of it, you caint just work after a heavy rain that warshes out them tracks.
Well, I'll be John Brown! You sound jest like Cory May. Why, I think you came from the same liter. I weren't born yestiddy. I kin take kere of myself! I ain't wet behind the ears! What's come over ya? Your sure nuff sound like my ole lady!
Them revenuers have got eagle eyes, at close range, ya know. I'd hate to see ya a layin in the dark, cold ground. We've had a lot of good times together, and I'm a looken forward to some more.
I spect ya would, but it ain't gonna happen. Ya know me! I can be as sly as a fox, and it'll be a cold day in hell afore they ketch me. I'm slicker than greazed lightnin when I wanta be. And I aim to stay that way, too. You know that.
I guess so. You talk mighty big. I just hope you ain't gettin in over your head. I seen coons drownd good hounds by standin on their heads while they crost a creek. Ya don't wanta go under like that, a swingin from a limb or a bleedin to death. I seen young sprouts too big for their britches meet their Maker, but I spect you know what yer a doin. We growed up together, huntin, fishin, trappin, and Lord knows what all. We spent right smart time together. This old world is a lonely place without a friend.
Chapter Five: Cockfights
Your remember what happened to Tobe Snell, don't cha?
Yea, I remember! Who kin forget Ole Tobe? He got caught cock fighten last October. I watched the sheriff carried him off to the hoosegow. He hung his head like a whipped dog and tried not to let any body see his face, but we all knew he done it. Guilt was written all over him, like a dog with chicken feathers with chicken feathers in his mouth. That reminds men, said Bill. We had an old dog that took a liken to our neighbor's chickens. I tell you what. We tried and tried to breakhim, but we couldn't do it. We tied him, tied chicken feathers around his neck and even put him in a pen special, just to keep him at home, but the little rascal kept gettin out, no matter what we tried. Why, that dog would catch a chicken and bury it in our backyard with only its feet sticken up out a the dirt. Did you ever of such a thing? We'd wake up in the morning, and look out on the porch, and there they were, chickens' feet standin up just as bright as day! The sad part of it is, we all loved that dog! He was the smartest animal I ever seen. He could drive cattle and put em in a pen smoother than any dog I ever had. We shore hated to put him out of his mistery, but we didn't have no choice. I couldn't do it, myself. I'd break down when I even thought about it. That dog lookin up at me with those large innocent eyes, so I had to ask Dink Williams to come out to the place and do it for me. Dink's a good ole boy, and I knew I could trust him. He didn't charge me a red cent. He's as good as the days are long! They don't come no better than Dink. I know at times he'd take a snort or two, but that don't change him none. Why, I've come to believe that folks like Dink are a heap better and more dependable that those goody-good people you see in churches all the time. If you have a problem day or night, Dink would not think twice about helpin you. It didn't matter to him who you were or what you did. And he never asked for nuthin in return. To me, that's a real Christian man, not these smooth talkers that only want your money. Well, to make the story short, Dink took old Scout out to back pasture, and did it for me. What he did that day hurts me ever time I think about it. I'll never forget that dog, though. Even now, when I think about old Scout,I wisht I'd never done it.That dog was worth more to me than all the chickens in this county, and that sorry neighbor who lost the birds wasn't worth a hill a beans! I hope there's a nice hot fire fixed for him when he finally decides to leave this world, hotter than nine pines in you know where. Anyway, there was Tobe, guilty as home-made sin, caught redhanded!
Don't you know his old lady made it it it hot for him when he came home?
You better believe it. I bet she lit a fire under him that will burn for a long time, till the cows come home!
That'll be great day in the mornin, I'll tell you! I'd give my right arm to see that! Tobe's slippin in with his head hung lower than a wagon rut, tryin not to let it show! Thinkin he'd get off scot-free!
Yea, her family always thought they were a little better than the rest of us. Miss High and Mighty!
My folks used to call here Miss Astor. When she walked down the street, with her nose so high the air, that they said the rain would probably choke her to death, the way it does turkeys! That reminds me, her family, before they inherited that money from her uncle, was as poor as Job's turkey.
My pa used to say as poor as a snake. After they got that money, though, they were as tight as Dick's hatband. Money makes people that way. The richer you are, the tighter you are. It should be just the other way artound. Don't you think? Well, that's enough about Tobe's wife.What else can you tell me about Tobe's new problem?
Well, the story even gets a little better. The very next day, the license tags on his new Model T were so beaten up that you couldn't even read the numbers.
What? Well, I'll declare! He sure nuff didn't wont to be caught again, so he took a ball-peen hammer to them and beat the tar out of them till you couldn't tell one number from the other. He had his nerve , didn't he? You'd think the law would get after him for that, too. Wouldn't you?
I reckon. Hmm...Well, I declare. If that ain't somethin. I don't see how he got way with it either. What a fool thing to do! I suppose he had other jobs as well as his chicken fights, so it didn't make much differnce if he did spend a night or two in jail once in a while. Nobody paid much attention to it cause they knew that was just Tobe, that's just the way he was. He had it in him. His old man was that way, too, they say. And tighter than the bark on a tree. Why, he was so tight that he sqeaked when the walked. It was just in his blood. Tobe also carried shine to the neighbors whenever they took a notion. He hid it old holes where fence post had rotted out or under old bridges that had been washed out from rains along the railroad tracks near town.