I get to the pastor's office first because she is probably weaving her way through compliments and greetings. When she comes in, I try to hug her, but she blocks me.
"I can't do this, Briar. I want to, but I can't. I'm sorry."
"What? Can't do what?"
"This," She says, pointing between us, "I cannot do this."
"Why not? And don't tell me it's because we are Christians. That's bullshit. We just did a whole lot of non-godly things a few minutes ago, and you didn't have any remorse about it."
"I am seeing someone."
I stare at her in disbelief.
"Pardon?"
"Briar, I know I should have told you. I don't know why I didn't. But that's why I left on Wednesday. He called me to ask where I was. I had made plans to go over to his place after church that night. I forgot all about it because you have that effect on me. You have a way of monopolizing my thoughts. It's not fair to him."
I am not sure why it hurt to hear her say those things. We are not together. I simply have a crush on her. That is not something that warrants what I am feeling. This doesn't make any sense. But instead of probing for explanations from her, I choose self-preservation instead.
"Right. This is so typical." I scoff and grab my bag off the floor. I gave it a try, and it didn't work out. No need to cry over spilled milk.
"Briar, I'm sorry...."
"It's cool. I should have known you had a boyfriend. It would have been nice if you had just told me right at the beginning."
"I didn't think about him once. I would have brought him up if he had crossed my mind but-."
"Are you blaming me for the fact that you did not remember this person that matters so much to you that you can't give me a chance? Wow. Okay." I start to walk out of the pastor's office to head home, but before I step out, I turn and say my goodbyes.
"Have the life you deserve, Pamela."
I am not really in the mind space to hear how much God loves me because I don't feel much love coming my way right now.
***