Vicky West
I was stood by my front door, hugging Red and Marcel goodbye. I promised I'd see them tomorrow, agreeing that we should meet at Red's apartment around eleven, and shut the door as I heard their laughter fade down the corridor.
When I re-entered the living room I noticed Harry was still seated on the sofa, his phone was gripped in his palm as he ran his empty hand over his face.
"Red and Marcel have left," I said, pointing awkwardly to the front door.
"All right," Harry mumbled. "William just texted me back." Harry mentioned, holding his phone out in an offer for me to read what had been said.
I took his phone, mumbling a quiet thank you, and scrolled through the short conversation.
Harry: Hi mate, how is Australia treating you? I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink at Rosé when you get back? - H.
William Purdy: Hey, Harry. Australia is amazing; the sun, drinks, and women are all lovely. Rosé sounds great; we'll set up a time when I return. Speak to you soon, Styles.
"He's making this too easy, you know." I admit.
"I'm just waiting for all the drama that comes along with William. I'll let you know when he wants to get together." Harry told me, making an obvious effort to keep me informed. If only he could have been honest with me from the start, we might have avoided all this shit with William. I was caught up in my whirlwind thoughts of what might've been when Harry cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with my quiet demeanour. "Vicky we really need to talk." Harry stated, standing from the couch.
"Yeah, we do," I agreed, and shifted nervously on my feet. "About last night..."
"Yeah, uhh, last night..." Harry trailed off, unsure of what to say.
"I don't know how you feel about it, bu-"
"I don't regret it." Harry cut me off.
"You don't?" I blurted out.
"No, well maybe..." He stuttered.
"Well which is it Harry?" I snarled.
"I regret how it happened, and I regret why it happened, but I could never regret what I did and how you make me feel. I made love to you Vicky, and it was beautiful, I would never regret that. Do you regret it?"
"No, no, I don't." I assured him instantly. "I thought you'd be upset with me for making you leave, but I didn't want you getting the wrong idea." I spewed out my half-ass attempt at an apology. "I could have been nicer, or explained myself, but I was piss drunk.
"Vicks," Harry whispered, knowing I wouldn't object to his use of the pet name right now. "I know you want distance, but I can't stay away from you. You and I both know that distance is no good for either one of us, I can't be away from you. I haven't slept in weeks; every time I close my eyes I see you laying in bed crying yourself to sleep over my asinine behaviour, and the only thing that soothes the ache I feel, is being near you. You're my remedy, Vicky, my solace. I have no comfort without you."
"I just need some time, Harry. Not space, just time. You broke my trust; I had so much faith in you, in us, and you shattered it. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. I'm not saying these things to hurt you, I would never want to hurt you; I love you, despite everything."
"You know I love you, Vicks, I just have a fucked up way of showing it, and for that I'm sorry." Harry said, and I felt his warm hands taking mine.
"Last night was a momentary lapse of good judgement, we weren't thinking clearly." I agreed completely. "I'm not saying it was a mistake, but it doesn't mean anything; my resolve is still the same, I can't be with you Harry."
"I know, I know." Harry said faintly, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into my hands. "I understand, Vicky. It's okay for you to be cautious around me; you have every right after everything I've done. So what happens now?"
"We'll be friends, and our lives will continue as they always have. I need you to be honest with me, and I will do the same. I want to know what you have been doing since we broke up, and I will return the favour." I spoke honestly. "I don't want any mistakes this time, lack of honesty is what got us here in the first place. If we're to have any hope of getting between William and Carmen, we need to divulge anything that might allow them to get between us."
"I'll tell you everything, but I need you to hear me out, okay? No running." Harry asked me, and I nodded, encouraging him to continue. I mentally braced myself for the worst. "I promised you, back in my office, that I hadn't slept with anyone else, which is the truth, but I have been lying to other people."
"W-what did you lie about?" I lowered my head, hoping to avoid the sharp slap of reality I was about to receive.
"Us," Harry answered. I swallowed the lump in my throat; ready to hear the horrible lies he had told his friends about me. He put his hand under my chin, pulling my face up so my eyes could meet with his. "I pretended we were still together."
"I never told my parents that we broke up." I blushed, ashamed that he had thought I would be mad at him when I was doing the exact same thing.
"Your parents know about me?" He smiled proudly.
"Of course they do," I chuckled. "Continue, Harry."
Harry quickly took a sip from his glass, clearing his throat before continuing. "I told Louis we were still together, so him and Alexus were still expecting you at the wedding. Niall, the Irish guy you met on the plane to New York, still thinks we're together. I just couldn't face the reality of what I had done, they wouldn't look at me the same - I don't even look at me the same, but Louis figured it out."
"Oh," I whispered, trying to figure out what he planned to do about Louis.
"I told him everything, Vicky - from the shit with William, to the fact that I'm still crazy in love with you." Harry told me, his complete honesty was baffling to me - he had never been so open, his thoughts weren't something I heard often. "I was so mad at you when I saw you with Liam last night, part of me was jealous of course, but I was just trying to protect you - Liam isn't who you think he is."
"He's a sweet guy, Harry. I know you see him as competition but-"
"That's has nothing to do with it, Vicky. If I thought for a moment, truly thought you'd be happy with him, and that he would treat you right, I would leave you alone. You deserve to be happy, even if it's not with me; Liam's just not the guy to do it; he's shady. I-I, God," Harry stopped talking for a while; I could tell he was getting frustrated with me, but I still didn't understand anything. He was having a hard time with this, but I appreciated that he was trying.
"Harry, please talk," I encouraged him. "I deserve to know the truth about Liam; if you think he's no good, or that I should stay away from him, then you need to give me a reason because as of right now I don't have one. Remember when we were sitting on your couch and you came clean about your past? It's just like that, just you and me here - now continue." I smiled.
"I sold sex tapes, my dancers always knew about it and they didn't care - I never forced them, they made that choice on their own. I- I filmed you, Vicky. I have a tape from your first audition at Moulin Rouge."
I was silent. My hands were slowly letting his go, recoiling from his touch.
"You... you wanted me to turn out like them, didn't you?" I asked him in disbelief.
"I saw potential in you, so I fast tracked you through auditions. I had the intention of doing what I did with the rest of my dancers, but I realized that you weren't that kind of girl. I knew you wouldn't be willing, and I wasn't going to force you. I wanted you for myself, and I was so reckless back then, but I'm not anymore - you know that. I knew that if I continued acting the way that I did you wouldn't want anything to do with me, you gave me a reason to change."
"What have you done with the videos?" I couldn't help but ask.
"I still have them." Harry confessed.
I closed my eyes and let this news sink in.
"I don't really know what to say." I muttered; the truth hurt...a lot, but it was better than being lied to.
"Unfortunately that isn't all, can I continue?" He asked me. I nodded, afraid of what my voice would sound like if I tried to speak. "I still have all the videos, and William had access to them for awhile after I stopped. When I realized that he was still selling them, I moved them so that he couldn't get to them without my permission - which he wasn't and isn't going to get."
"What does any of this have to do with Liam? I want to know about Liam!" Harry's honesty was becoming too much, and I just wanted to know what he meant about Liam being shady.
"Liam never stopped, that's what it has to do with Liam," Harry told me, but I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Never stopped what? "He still sells sex tapes..."
"What? Sex tapes? Liam? No..." I panicked.
"Hush," Harry said, making a haphazard attempt to calm me down, but I couldn't. Everything I thought I knew about the sweet, kind-hearted guy was wrong; it was a lie. "He's not a very good businessman in my opinion, his prices are far too high, but that's besides the point. I know he tries to come across as innocent, but he's full of shit. That's why I was so pissed when I saw you with him, I know he's taking advantage of you - I've heard that he's trying to make a video with you."
"Harry, you did the exact same thing!"
"No, I would never sell those videos of you to anyone. I never sell tapes without permission, I would never put you in a position you weren't comfortable with." Harry corrected my accusation. "I am not like Liam, half the girls he tapes don't even know they're being filmed."
"Where does this put you and Louis? Liam is his cousin..."
"Louis is on Liam's side, says they're family. He just won't listen to me when it comes to the reality of what Liam is doing. Louis' never been the one to follow moral obligation, he does what's easy not what's right. Liam is a pathetic excuse for a man, he takes advantage of people who don't deserve to be used."
"I cannot believe this is happening. All of this," I sighed.
In my head I was trying to picture the reality of what Harry had just told me. Liam selling sex tapes to get money? I knew that Harry had done precisely the same thing, but Harry had stopped the moment I asked him to - it was nothing more than just a part of his past now. The problem with the revelation of Liam's extracurricular activities wasn't that he was selling sex tapes; it was because half the time the girls he was taping had absolutely no clue that it was being done!
" I completely understand your apprehension, Vicks. I just want you to know that I will have no part of it, absolutely none; I told Louis that until he deals with Liam he can consider himself best-man-less. I will not be attending his wedding, or the camping trip afterwards unless he puts a stop to all of this, or cuts ties with Liam. This doesn't need to be apart of our lives anymore, Vicky, yours or mine - I thought we put a stop to all of this when I quit." Harry explained truthfully. His hands were holding mine again, I could tell he was apprehensive about touching me, but this was his way of comforting and protecting me.
"First Carmen and William, now Liam..." I shook my head in disappointment. "It just never ends."
"What do you mean?"
"There's no time for me to relax, no respite. As soon as one life-altering dilemma is solved, it's on to the next. I hadn't known that moving to LA would cause all these problems for me; I just wanted to dance. First it was you, with all your masculinity, trying to get me into bed with you by insulting me - didn't know why you thought that would work; Keeton knocking me off stage; the silent treatment; Herpes scenario, and we end with Carmen, William and now Liam. It never stops."
"Well I guess you've made it then,'' Harry smiled. "This is your life now, Vicky. You wanted this world; the dancing is only the smallest part, it's all business and betrayal behind the scenes. You will never make it to the top without a couple people hating you along the way. I know you don't understand, but I've been living in this world since I was a baby. I've grown up with these kinds of people, I know how to navigate it a little bit better than you. I know you want me to tell you that it will get better, but it won't. It will get easier; to navigate between friendships and acquaintances, but it will always be this petty game. This is the life you live now, we cannot change this life."
He was right, he was always right, but I would never admit it. I didn't have to say anything, Harry always knew - he knew me too well. When I came to Los Angeles my dream was to become a dancer, and I did. I became a dancer, but I also became a pillar of envy; I was Harry's girl, everyone knew that, and this hatred was the price I had to pay for him.
"Is there more?" I questioned.
"No, I promise."
I nodded, accepting that this was all I would have to bear for tonight, I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew that this was all I could take for tonight.
"Harry?" I muttered. He hummed softly in acknowledgment. "Where do you keep the tapes?"
"At work," He answered quietly. "In my vault, that no one has access to except me."
"C-can you show me?" I asked him carefully. I didn't want to make him mad by bringing this up again, but I needed to know. I needed him to bear his soul to me, and this was how he had to do it.
"Just to see the inside?" He wondered, it made me slightly nervous when his hands got clammy.
"I want to see the videos, Harry. I need to see my video; I have to know what you're hiding. You can tell me all you want, but I need to see it."
"I- I don't really feel very comfortable with that thought." Harry confessed, and I had to look away. "I don't want to hide from you, Vicky, but I thought we were passed this? I don't want you to watch the video, and hate me all over again."
"I need this, Harry." I pleaded. "I know it doesn't make sense to you, I'm not even sure it makes sense to me, but I have to see what you saw. I know you love me, and I know you'd do anything for me - this is 'anything' Harry."
"It's more complicated... It's just harder than you think it is." Harry told me sternly.
"I understand, but it is important for us. If we're to have any chance of a future then I need you to give me this." I stood my ground. "You trust me, don't you?"
"I do." Harry answered me, almost insulted that I even had to ask.
"Then let me in." I whispered, my hand reaching up to caress his beautiful jaw.
His eyebrows were furrowed, and he looked up at the ceiling as if searching for some divine intervention. It knew it was hard for him, but it was hard for me too. It wasn't about the sex tapes at all, this was about trust; if he was willing to let me see his deepest, darkest secrets then maybe we could move passed this.
"I'll be leaving for Florida in two days, I'll give you the keys before then. You need to do this alone; I don't think I have the strength to be there with you even if I wanted to. Make sure to keep the keys with you at all times, it could be catastrophic if anyone else gets a hold of them." Harry informed me strictly, and I nodded in understanding. "I don't want to go to Florida, and then have to come back and see William right away."
"You have to." I encouraged him, my hand stroking his cheek slightly. I felt to need to touch him, and make sure he knew I was there to support him. He was sacrificing so much, doing so much for me; he had to know that I would stand behind him.
"So what about you then? How have you been these past few weeks?" He asked me shyly.
I licked my lips, and cleared my throat, but my voice broke on the first syllable. "I've cried, Harry, a lot. I had a nervous breakdown in a change room, Marcel and Red found me - that's why they know. You left me, you didn't want me, and that's all I've been able to think about." The realization of how badly he had hurt me, of how far he had distanced me from himself, was apparent in that moment.
I felt my eyes starting to burn, I tried to hold it back - I didn't want to cry - but I couldn't help it. The memory of standing in the parking lot at V's Café, and hearing Harry telling me we were over was too much, and I broke down. I was no longer the same person I had been; I was a shadow of the former self I had been with Harry.
Harry pulled me into an embrace, the kind that used to leave me breathless in the most beautiful way but now left me gasping for air as if I were drowning. His arms wrapped around my fragile body, his hands softly rubbing my back. I felt myself relax, as if my body and brain were no longer connected and my body was betraying me in order to feel the comfort that Harry provided. I curled into his arms, allowing myself this moment of solace.
"I am so sorry, Vicks. I am so sorry." I heard Harry's voice cracking.
We were two people, insanely in love with each other, being pulled apart by a reality that was far too cruel to allow us to exist. I missed Harry, in a way that was more than just emotional, my body craved for him. I find it difficult to do the simplest of tasks without Harry's constant tapping of his fingers in the background, or his pathetic need to sigh every five seconds when he was bored.
"I wish we had a different life, Vicky, one that was easier." His voice was fragile.
"I do too, but we don't. This is all we have, and this is life. Our defiant need to change circumstances won't change anything. You still did what you did, and no amount of apologies will change that. I was in love with you, you knew that, and yet you treated me like you do everything else: like I didn't matter, like I was disposable."
"I know," His words brushed against my lips. "But there's only you, Vicky, and you know that."
I knew that this was only the beginning, that the reality of Harry and I was going to be nothing short of an uphill battle. I knew that I was falling, probably harder and faster than I had the first time, but this time I had an important decision to make: was I really going to do this to myself, again?
...
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xo lay)