Hey babes!
It's been a while.... But I'm back now and it's my birthday! YAY! 9th of February 🥰
Update: Wattpad sent out the notifications a day after... 🥲
REMINDER: ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE! Excuse me for any mistakes 🥺
Anyway....
ENJOY!
Chanyeol's POV
"Chanyeol, is everything alright? You seem to be deep in thoughts..." Baekhyun wondered. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at his beautiful face.
"Yeah, everything's fine. Have you eaten anything?"
"Yes, I have. But you haven't." I just shook my head and sighed. I planned to go and visit my parents' grave, but I didn't want to go alone. Sehun was with Luhan, so I couldn't ask him to come with me and I couldn't possibly take Baekhyun with me.
My father would certainly be disappointed in me if he knew that I was getting weak for a certain boy and I couldn't let that happen.
I didn't really grow up with a lot of love. There was a lot of yelling every day and my father couldn't really show his emotions. My mother on the other hand was a sweetheart, but even she couldn't win against my father. He wanted to hold the power and my mother eventually gave up. I always went everywhere with my father, so to say I became like him, was an understatement. I picked up his habits and behavior which at times, wasn't easy for me. I eventually became stone cold like him. Sehun was with my mother most of the time, so he definitely had more empathy.
My father taught me to never show weakness. That feelings and emotions were for the weak.
The moment I really noticed that I was truly screwed up, was, when my mother passed away and I wasn't able to even shed a tear. Just like my father. It felt like he didn't really care.
My world came crashing down, when she passed away, yet I couldn't show it.
I wasn't allowed to show it.
"Channie? You are scaring me..." I heard that gentle voice say. And ohh, the things Baekhyun did to me.
You know when a person is nothing but kind hearted, yet they get the most shit and you don't know why, because they deserve nothing but the best? That was Baekhyun for me. And I was an asshole, because I just couldn't admit it to myself.
I wasn't allowed to admit it to myself...
In a way, I felt like I was betraying my father. It was crazy, what kind of impact he had on me.
"Everything is fine, Baekhyun. Now stop talking, please." I spit and I immediately regretted it.
Why was I like that? Why couldn't I just let myself be happy for once? He was just worried, for fucks sake.
"Oh... I'm sorry." He got up and went to the kitchen and I noticed how my heart sank.
I sighed and got up. I grabbed my jacket and walked out the door without saying anything else.
~
It was freezing cold outside and I was walking through the thick snow. I didn't even notice where I was going and after half an hour, I found myself at the cemetery.
I walked through the graves, most of them had dead flowers on them, that you could barely see because of the snow. It was clear that they hadn't been visited and cleaned in a long time, though.
I walked the long path, until I reached my father's grave. I stared at it for a couple of minutes, before I sighed and leaned down. I dusted of the snow and lit the candle, which to my surprise didn't get blown of by the wind.
"Hello, father...." I thought back to some memories we had shared back when I was younger, even though there weren't many, I still cherished them a lot.
I didn't want to tell him about Baekhyun, because I just knew he would be disappointed in me and knowing that, caused me a lot of pain. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was very traumatized because of him. He was still my father and he made me the man I was today.
He created a monster.
"I hope you are happy up there, dad. And please take care of mom, alright? At least this time..."
Once I reached my mother's grave, that's when I broke down.
"M-Mom.... It's me, your little elf." That's what she liked to call me.
"You've probably seen it from up there, but I am a father now, mom. My baby's name is Haneul." I smiled.
"Why am I the way I am, mom? I really want to change, but how can I do that? I can't possibly betray dad like that."
"There is boy named Byun Baekhyun. He.... He makes me so happy, mom. He is literally an angel, yet I treat him like shit. I don't deserve him at all, but he still puts up with me." I added. I felt weak, for expressing my emotions, especially because I couldn't show them in front of anyone. Not even my own brother, Sehun.
"He has had it rough his entire life and I want nothing more than for him to finally be happy. Yet, I treat him the worst. Why? Every time I try to be happy for once, I am reminded of dad's words. I won't ever forget them. But I now know how you must have felt and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being the son you could be proud of. For not protecting you. And I can't believe you had to die for me to realize that. You know, Baekhyun reminds me of you, a lot. He is just as kind hearted and wants nothing more than for everybody to be happy. I don't deserve him at all and it's just a matter of time until he finally cuts me out of his life." I sighed, a stray tear making it's way down to my cheeks.
"Anyway... I hope you are happy up there, mom. You are finally away from everything that had caused you pain. Please know, that I love you. So much. Even when I had problems expressing it when I was younger. I cherish you the most. Rest well, mommy...."
"Those were beautiful words, son."
I turned around, shocked. I saw an elderly woman sitting on a bench, looking at me. She wore a long black coat and a big hat that covered her gray locks.
"Uhm..."
"Don't mind me, sweetie. I was just visiting my late husband. Come here, son." I got up and went towards her, sitting down. She had dusted of the snow for me and I didn't mind that I was getting my pants wet. There was something strangely comforting about that woman.
"I'm Park Chanyeol."
"It's nice to meet you, son. My name is Choi Sena."
I bowed to her and she stroked my cheek, a mother-like gesture.
"What's troubling you, son?" I sighed and looked away.
"I think I'm falling in love for the first time in my life."
"But that's beautiful, isn't it?" I shook my head.
"Not when I am a bad person."
"What makes you think that, son?"
"I don't treat them right. Like they deserve to be treated."
"Do you want them in your life?" I nodded.
"Can you imagine your life without the person by your side?"
"I don't want to."
"Then what makes you treat them the way you do?" I shrugged and looked away again.
"Can I ask you something more personal?" Not knowing why, I just nodded.
"How can you know you are falling in love, when you don't even know what love is, yet?" I looked at her, in awe. It was like she could see right through me.
"It just feels right, doesn't it?"
"It does."
"Many many years ago, I also fell in love with someone I wasn't supposed to..." She started and I turned all my attention to her.
"There had been many wars going on and it wasn't the right time to fall in love. Especially during such a dark time. But I did. And, son, when I did. I finally had hope again. I was hopeful, that we would get through the bad times and make it out alive. My late husband was in the army and one day, he had knocked on our door, begging to be let in and eat some warm food, without knowing us. I didn't have much, but I still gave him everything." She stopped for a moment and wiped her tears away. I grabbed her hand and kept it warm, feeling a warm breeze on my face.
"He was hiding inside our home for some days and during those days, I cooked for him, washed his bloody clothes and kept him company. It was uncertain if we would make it out alive, so we enjoyed every second together. Until one day, I woke up to an empty house and only one letter. He had asked me to be patient. He went out there to fight for our people and not knowing if he was alive, slowly killed me. He didn't want to give me false hope, but it was already too late. I had fallen in love with him. He took a piece of me with him, which was my heart and only he had the key to my heart.
It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was deeper than that. A sense of belonging to a place I never knew I wanted but somehow always needed. It was a home that carried a heartbeat."
The sun was slowly coming out and it was such a perfect moment. Like it was meant to be.
"Days, weeks and months passed and there was still no sign of him. Yet, I was still patient and waited for him. One day, which also happened to be my birthday, there was knock on the door. It was him. It was my Choi Minjun. Love is patient, love is kind, son. Why are you making it so difficult for yourself?"
"I don't know why, I think it really is because I am scared of love. Scared of messing it up. Scared of getting hurt, because I gave too much."
"You won't mess it up, son. Just treat them the way you want to be treated. Enjoy the blessing in your life and create some beautiful memories."
"There a probably a lot of things you want to make differently, compared to your parents, right?" I nodded.
"Now is the perfect time for that. Don't waste it. You were waiting for that person, without even knowing it." And that last sentence really hit deep.
Because it was true.
"How many others were walking around and not even knowing that someone far away cared for them? Imagine all that love floating in the air, waiting to land on someone's life! To land on you!" She chuckled and ruffled my hair, like I was her child.
"You cannot travel back in time to fix your mistakes, but you can learn from them and forgive yourself for not knowing better." I didn't say anything, I just listened.
"Thank you, eomma." I bowed to her again and sighed. This was truly needed.
"Don't just exist, son. Live."
I hugged her tight as a thank you.
"Do you want me to bring you home?"
"No, son. I want to spend some time with my love." I hugged her again and she kissed the top of head.
"Go and be happy, okay? Before it's too late." I nodded.
"I will." I said and walked out of the dark place and into my safe place.
..........................
Long and sad chapter 🥲 I tried my best 🥺
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