The end of the school day can't come quickly enough, but when it does, I'm hit with the realization that I have to come back here tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. Dropping out and hiding in my room for all of eternity is becoming more appealing by the second. My body would certainly thank me for it. Miraculously, I walked away from the accident with minimal injuries—besides the whole amnesia thing, of course—but the effects of being in a temporarily comatose state linger, and I'm not as strong as I should be.
The sun decided to make an appearance in the late afternoon, banishing the clouds in order to bask the front lawn of the school in warm light. I wait for Audrey outside, keeping an eye out for her rusted Corolla, squinting as I lean against the brick of the raised garden.
It's an odd thing to be dropped into the middle of a life, like someone pushed me overboard and expected me to be able to keep myself afloat even though I never learned how to swim. For the most part, people kept their distance as I stumbled my way through my classes, trailing behind Zoe like a lost puppy. It's hard to imagine myself ever striding across campus with purpose and confidence, despite knowing I must have at one point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll at least be able to find the bathroom without having to ask someone for help. And maybe soon the shock waves of my return will fade away and people will stop looking at me like I just dropped down from another planet.
Damien approaches, bringing me back to the present as he steps into my line of vision.
"Hey."
He's wearing a varsity jacket and a sheepish smile as he settles in next to me. I haven't seen him since lunch, and even then he seemed to sense that I needed some space.
"I'm sorry about earlier," he says. "I know I already apologized, but I feel like I should do it again."
"Oh." I wave a hand dismissively, trying to appear casual even though I wish he hadn't brought it up. "Don't worry about it. Seriously."
"School has felt so empty without you." Damien reaches out, looking as though he wants to take my hand in his, so I adjust my backpack strap, shifting my weight between my feet. "I'm really glad you're here, Allie."
"Yeah," I say, unsure if I feel the same. Biting the inside of my lip, I debate with myself for a few moments. "Damien, you seem like a great guy. But I'm going to need some time. This all feels so new to me."
His face falls. "Of course."
"You're all right if we take things slow?" I persist, not sure what the protocol is for asking a boyfriend for space when you don't remember anything about the relationship.
"I'm willing to wait for you."
"Thanks," I say, a bit of tension leaving my body.
"Just don't make me wait forever."
My heart sinks. It's going to take at least forever to get used to the idea of dating him at all. Is it wrong to give him false hope?
Damien glances at the parking lot and gestures to it with his thumb, seemingly oblivious to my inner turmoil. "Hey, do you need a ride home?"
I shake my head quickly. "Audrey is coming to get me."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Okay. I guess I'll just see you tomorrow then," he says, sounding reluctant as he makes his way to the parking lot.
The thought of having to go through all of this again causes my headache to return, and I close my eyes, massaging my temples. It's going to take ages to settle into this new routine and relearn how to be myself. As if I even know who that is.
A vehicle rolls to a stop in front of me, and I straighten, opening my eyes and adjusting to the bright light once more. Audrey's silver Corolla is parked next to the curb, and relief washes over me knowing it won't be long until I'm back home and in relatively familiar territory.
I pull on the door handle and slide into the car, exhaling heavily as I set my backpack on my lap.
"Thanks for picking me up," I say, reaching over to buckle my seat belt.
"No problem."
That voice definitely does not belong to my sister. Much to my dismay, Parker, wearing a baseball cap, a red flannel, and an apologetic grimace, sits in the driver's seat.
"What are you doing here?" I demand. He's the last person I want to be alone with right now.
"Audrey got called in to cover a shift at the restaurant last minute," he explains. "I swear it wasn't my idea. But I'm the only one around."
I briefly consider getting out of the car, until I remember it's highly likely I would get lost on the way home, and it's too far to walk anyway. Sighing in defeat, I lean back against my seat, fidgeting with my fingers and glowering out the window.
"Fine."
He pulls away from the curb after gaining my reluctant approval. Parker doesn't say anything until we're a fair distance from the school, and it dawns on me that we're heading in the opposite direction of the house. I sit up straight, feeling a shudder of unease.
"Where are we going?"
He peers at me out of the corner of his eye. "While we're at it, I thought I'd show you one of your favorite places," he explains softly. "It might help."
"Okay," I mumble, despite knowing that spending more time together is an incredibly stupid thing to do. "But make it quick."
"You're going to love it, trust me."
With our destination decided, Parker increases our speed, and I reach forward to turn on the radio as the scenery flies past in hues of green, brown, and blue. I suppose out of all the lives I could've woken up to, this one is pretty damn great in terms of location. Pender Falls is nestled in the mountains, an alcove of forests and lakes, and a hop, skip, and a jump away from the ocean. Everything else I could do without, but at least the town is nice to look at.
We drive through the downtown core, where rows of quaint, vintage-looking shops and restaurants line the streets. In an effort to distract myself from the discomfort of being stuck in a car with my sister's boyfriend, I try to envision myself having had a life here, walking along the sidewalk with the sunlight filtering through the branches of the oak trees, window shopping, grabbing a bite to eat. It's hard to picture, and I find myself wondering if I ever really felt like I belonged.
When I can't stand the silence anymore, I turn to Parker. "Have you lived in Pender Falls your whole life?"
"Yeah," he replies. "I grew up here. It's a nice little town. But, you know, it's small. People talk."
"I've noticed," I remark, unable to hide the bitterness from my voice as I think about all the conversations I failed to tune out today.
Parker cringes, then signals a left turn that leads us away from the main hub. I watch the people in my side mirror gradually disappear. "I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "Can you blame them, though? It's not every day something like this happens. Your circumstances are very unique."
"I'm not an alien."
"You're right. But it'll get better. They'll find something new to talk about eventually," he says quietly, before returning to his normal volume. "For now, I have something that will take your mind off everything."
"You're really hyping this place up."
"You'll see soon enough."
Eventually, we reach the outskirts of Pender Falls, driving along a gravel path surrounded by trees that blot out the sun, making it feel closer to night than day. We arrive at a parking lot where a rickety sign reads Boulder Trail. Parker turns the key in the ignition, sitting back to appraise my reaction.
"We're here," he announces.
I raise an eyebrow. "Hiking?"
"It's more of a leisurely walk, nothing too strenuous." He passes me a yellow raincoat, and I take it gingerly, peering at the sky. All the gloom from this morning has completely melted away and it's bright and clear now. His mouth twitches. "Just put it on and follow me."
We get out of the car, and I do as he says, sliding my arms through the sleeves and flipping my hair out of the collar, letting it fall across my shoulders. Parker sticks his hands into his pockets and gestures with his chin for me to follow him along the path leading to the forest.
As we walk through the woods, I focus on trying not to trip on the roots beneath my feet, grateful I chose to wear my Blundstones today. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?"
"Nope," he responds promptly, not seeming to mind matching my slow, unsteady pace.
It's quiet save for the sound of twigs snapping, the dirt crunching under our feet, and the occasional bird twittering in the trees above. My nose is met with the smell of pine needles and fresh air, and I find myself unwinding from the day I had at school. There's something about being out in nature, away from it all, that makes me feel at ease, even if my body is a little wobbly.
"Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah." My cheeks warm. "Sorry I'm so slow."
He crouches slightly, ducking under a branch then holding it out of the way for me. "It's all right, nature is meant to be savored."
"So," I begin, trying to keep my voice light, "how long have you and Audrey worked together at Antonio's?"
The trail gets wider, and a man on a bike whizzes past, going in the opposite direction. It's wide enough for us to walk side by side now, so I fall into step beside Parker.
"It's been about seven months. That's where we met."
"How long have you been together?"
"We started dating after a month of knowing each other."
"When did you move in with us?"
"Is this an interrogation?"
"I have a very limited memory bank. Sorry for trying to learn literally any information I can."
Parker coughs out a laugh at the unimpressed tone of my voice. Some of my anxiety begins to uncoil itself when I realize he's not going to pull anything like he did when I came home from the hospital. "Touché," he says. "Just under two months ago."
"That's a while."
"Longer than I anticipated," he agrees.
Even though I'm badgering him with questions, I don't have enough answers quite yet. "Are you going to tell me what really happened between us?" I ask hesitantly. "I deserve to know."
"I didn't know if you'd want to hear it," he admits. Sighing, he gestures to a fallen log nearby then takes a seat, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to give my legs a break, making sure to leave some distance between us. "Audrey was just a co-worker at first. I always liked when we had shifts together, and it wasn't really anything more than that until she confessed she had a crush on me. I wasn't sure if I felt the same, but I thought it couldn't hurt to give it a try."
He falls silent as other tourists traipse in front of us, and it reminds me that we're still in public. Perhaps this isn't the best time to be talking about this stuff, but it's too late to stop.
"After a while, she introduced me to you," he remarks, lips quirking upward slightly, and he peers at me out of the corner of his eye. "We got along instantly. I don't know what it was, but I felt drawn to you. Then one night you went to this party and called me for a ride home. You were drunk out of your mind and you kissed me."
Squeezing my eyes shut, I listen to the nearby sounds of laughter and bike tires gliding over the dirt. A gust of wind blows my hair into my face, and I take a steadying breath, pushing it behind my ear.
"I didn't realize how I felt about you until then." Parker sighs. "You told me that it was a mistake and to pretend it never happened, and I tried at first, but I just couldn't let it go. It was all I could think about. I knew I couldn't continue to be with Audrey knowing what happened and the way I felt."
"But you're still with her."
He lets out a short, self-deprecating laugh. "I'm still with her," he repeats, and the words sound bitter. "Because I'm a coward. I was going to do it but then you got into your accident, and I saw how much it affected her and I couldn't. I wanted to be there for you too."
I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling tense. Even when I was on the brink of death I was finding ways to ruin my sister's life.
"When I heard what happened, heard that I might've lost you . . ." He trails off, shaking his head. "Though I suppose I lost you anyway."
"Did I feel the same?"
He considers the question for a long time. "I don't know," he admits finally. "I wanted you to. But at the same time, I knew it was incredibly selfish to want that."
This version of myself doesn't reciprocate his feelings, and likely never will, but maybe the old one did. I might never know. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter, because nothing will ever happen between us. The person I am now wouldn't do that to her sister.
"Anyway, I want you to know that before everything, I was your friend. And I'm still your friend."
When I look up, his face is kind.
"I'm here if you need me," he finishes.
"Thank you," I reply, my voice soft. His offer confirms the gut feeling I had about him the day I came home from the hospital—the belief that I had someone in my corner, someone I could trust. I haven't had that feeling with a lot of people since my return, and I wonder if I've always felt that way. Even so, he can't be that person anymore.
Before the awkwardness of the situation has a chance to fully sink in, he places his hands on his legs, preparing to stand. "Are you ready to keep going?"
I nod eagerly, wanting to put the conversation behind us, and he helps me back to my feet before we continue down the trail. The path begins to incline upward slightly, but I have no idea where it's leading. I glance at him again, catching the troubled look on his face.
"What are my interests?" I ask with a sigh.
"What?"
"What do I like to do?"
Parker's shoulders relax visibly and his face softens. "You're a great actress," he tells me.
"Really?"
"Oh yeah," he continues. "I've been told the school's theater program would be garbage without you. I think you've starred in nearly every production."
"Huh," I say.
When I think about it, it's really not that surprising. I must've been quite the actress if I could kiss my sister's boyfriend and get away with it. But I don't think that's something worth celebrating.
I stop short, noticing a faint rushing sound in the distance for the first time. "What is that?"
"We're almost there, come on."
The path narrows again as the sound grows louder, and I concentrate on my footsteps, ending up a few paces behind him. We walk this way for a while until he stops abruptly, and I nearly crash into his back.
The noise has reached its peak, and I look up slowly, locating the source. A waterfall stands proudly before us, and I feel foolish for not recognizing the sound earlier. The sight of the water descending is breathtaking, deep-green trees meshing with pale-blue water, and it's almost like an optical illusion.
Parker places his hand on my arm, ushering me out of the way of a couple trying to get onto the path, and the action brings me back to my senses. A climb up slippery rocks brings us closer to the natural wonder, and despite the danger, a large grin takes over my face. Water splashes up to meet us, and I understand the need for the raincoat.
I stick my hand out, letting it become submerged in the downpour, which splashes onto my face and hair, drenching both instantly. Parker watches me, his amusement clear. I'm confident I'm acting like a complete child right now, but I don't care. In this small, inconsequential pocket of time, I feel like I'm truly alive rather than just going through the motions.
It's only when we're back on the trail—me with dripping hair, him with a damp hat—that the adrenaline fades. The air has cooled down significantly, especially when we're in the forest without the help of the sun, and the fact that I'm soaked to the bone doesn't exactly help. But it was totally worth it.
"Did I come here a lot?" I ask, trying to keep from shivering, exhaustion beginning to weigh heavily in my bones.
"Sometimes people throw parties here in the clearing," he explains. "And I know your dad used to take you all the time, but I don't think you've been in a while."
"Where is he? No one has mentioned him."
He gives me a sympathetic look over his shoulder as he shrugs. "Don't know," he remarks. "They don't talk about him much. All I know is that he left a long time ago."
Parker is quiet for a while. "I'm sorry," he says. "I never should've come up to your room that night."
The words are sobering, causing any progress we might've made in the past hour to dissipate.
"We could have started over," he laments. "It would've worked out perfectly. You wouldn't have remembered me. Things would've been the way they're supposed to be."
I don't say anything for a while, wondering if I should respond at all. But the pain in his voice makes some of my anger melt away. It's an internal battle that feels familiar, like I've already fought and been defeated. "We can't change the past," I tell him. "But we can make sure it won't happen again."
"Yeah," he says, voice low as he sticks his hands deeper into his pockets before looking up. "We're almost to the car."
Just like that, the subject is dropped, and neither of us says a word the whole way home.
When we turn onto Seymour Avenue and pull over in front of the house, the first thing I notice is the cop car parked outside. The sight of it gives me a feeling of dread in my belly, and I share a nervous look with Parker.
After a moment of hesitation, I hop out of the car and walk up to the house with him trailing behind me. The front door is open, revealing a thoroughly unimpressed Sofia standing in the entrance with a man in uniform. When she sees me, I can't tell if she's happy or displeased by my arrival.
The policeman turns to look over his shoulder as we approach, offering me a smile beneath his thick moustache.
"What's going on?" I ask, looking between the two of them.
"Allie, welcome home," Sofia says briskly, and there's an awkward pause before she gestures to the man next to her. "This is Officer Edwards."
He's clearly trying to appear friendly, but I take a subconscious step closer to Parker. "Hello, Allie," he says. "It's nice to see you again."
Sofia purses her lips. "He has some questions about the night of your accident."
"I really don't remember much," I say, feeling like this is a useless endeavor. I didn't even remember my own name when I woke up, what makes them think I'll suddenly be able to tell them exactly what happened?
"That's all right," Officer Edwards encourages, holding a hand out. "We can take it slow. We're just trying to piece together what happened. With your mother present, of course. Is that all right with you?"
I look to Sofia for guidance, but her face is unreadable. "I guess so."
My mother turns to the officer and gestures for him to enter the house. "Shall we?"
I move to follow them to the living room, before Parker catches my arm, leaning down to ask, "Do you want me to be there too?"
"No, it's okay," I reply, though the second the words leave my mouth, I'm not sure if I mean them.
He lets go, nodding, and I resume my path to the other room, taking a seat on the sofa across from Officer Edwards. Sofia sits beside me, clasping her hands in her lap. I watch as he flips open a notepad to a blank page, and it feels awfully similar to being assessed by Dr. Meyer.
"Now, you're aware you were at a party that night," he begins.
"Yes."
He flips back a few pages. "It took place at Iris Wen's house, correct?" The name is unfamiliar, but Sofia nods. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say that there was alcohol at this party."
"I don't know."
"She has amnesia, as I'm sure you're aware," Sofia interjects, her voice frosty, and I'm extremely grateful to have her with me.
Officer Edwards lifts his hands up innocently. "Of course," he says. "We're doing our best to paint a clear picture of the events that took place, and we hoped you might be ready to talk now. Allie, is there anything more you can tell me?"
I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking about the nonsensical images my brain has drummed up from that night, and the flashback I had in the hallway this morning. It's unlikely that any of it is helpful. I'm not sure if it's even real or if my mind is playing tricks on me.
"Whenever you're ready," he encourages.
"Sorry, I can't think of anything," I say, shaking my head. It's not a complete lie, I just don't want to waste his time.
"That's a shame," he says, disappointment darting across his features. "There are some things about that night that just aren't adding up, and even the tiniest bit of information could help. Open liquor was found in your car, yet none was in your system. What do you think about that?"
Heat floods my cheeks, and I shake my head again. "I—"
"I think that's enough for today," Sofia announces, rising to her feet.
"Ms. Castillo," he says, "we're just looking into every possibility—"
"And she already told you everything she knows. You can clearly see she's not mentally fit to be questioned."
Sofia's voice is chilling and firm, and the force behind her words makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. Officer Edwards stammers as she ushers him to the door, but she ignores him, locking it once he's outside. The sight of her scaring off a policeman as if he's nothing more than a pesky fly is bizarre—and, admittedly, pretty badass—but judging by her clear lack of discomfort, this isn't the first time. She sighs deeply, shaking her head.
"Useless," she mutters. "They have nothing better to do. Don't ever let them talk to you alone, you hear me?"
Feeling baffled, I nod. "Okay."
"The cops in this town have had it out for you for years," she admits. Clearly her irritation stretches far beyond today. "It's getting out of hand. Having a few strikes on your record doesn't give them the right to interrogate you when you're the victim of a life-altering accident. I've been holding them off, but they're obviously chomping at the bit."
"Strikes?"
She realizes she's said too much. "Don't worry about that now. You've had a long day. Let's go have some dinner, I'll order us something to eat."
With that, she heads into the kitchen, and I wonder whether Officer Edwards's visit was simply a cop doing his job or if his presence was meant to be a threat.