For some reason, my first instinct was to wonder if Roman had left me which I realised was a stupid thought considering this was his room and his house, so where was he going to go? I thought maybe he'd be in his bathroom though which was an ensuit attached to his room. Apparently, this had been the old master bedroom before his parents renovated and, with his brother no longer here, he got to be the room's new occupant. But the door to the bathroom was open, and the light was off inside, so it made no sense for him to be inside.
When I sat up, I finally noticed the note on the bedside table.
'Family came home and you looked too cute while asleep, didn't wanna wake you. I'll be downstairs if you don't see me. Text me when you're awake and I'll come up, or feel free to just come down. Genie's excited to play with you x,' read the note.
I turned the note over in my hand just on the off chance that there was anything more, and it was lucky that I did because there was in fact more.
'A comprehensive list of SOME of things to like about Alden Zeal:
- his curls (of course)
- how cool his eyes are (they're green but one of them is lighter with a hint of blue! did you know?)
- how he embraces both his femininity and masculinity and comes out looking like a beautiful ethereal being from another world
- how strong he is (he's been through so much and yet he hasn't given up, it's inspiring)
- how much of a nerd he is (it's cute how smart he is even if it makes me feel stupid because I couldn't tell you what Mussolini actually got up to and only that I know his name)
- how he touches me (he has no idea the effect he has on me, one touch and I'm a goner)
- oh and that mole (you know the one) ;)'
I fell back on the bed and covered my mouth when I heard a giggle of all things escape, like an actual giggle, all high pitch and strange. What was this man doing to me? Is this what it felt like to fall for someone? Maybe I'm just overthinking things; it's just a note, but such a sweet one. Barely anyone ever noticed the difference in my eyes unless I specifically said anything. How long and intently had he stared at my eyes to notice such a thing?
I sighed at having to get out of bed, but I couldn't stay up here forever. I know Roman said I should text him to come up, but he'd just have to go back downstairs and, I don't know, I just wanted to save him that one small hassle. So, a little reluctantly, I got up and got dressed. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw that my hair was a little dishevelled, though I knew the silk pillow cases Roman had been so sweet to buy definitely stopped a lot of the damage. Still, his parents would probably notice what we might have been up to. I could only hope Roman had told them a believable enough lie about why I was asleep in his bed at 6pm.
I tried to fix some of the more disarrayed curls and then decided that was all I could do and headed downstairs. I heard Roman's parents talking in the kitchen and walked past the hallway down to the kitchen as fast as I could and into the living room where I found my boyfriend. I mean...
Not my boyfriend. He wasn't my boyfriend. He just kind of was.
Note to self: never mention to Charlie that I accidentally called Roman my boyfriend in my head.
"Hi," I said, a little quiet, as Roman nor his little sister, Genie, had noticed my presence yet. They seemed to be way too engrossed in braiding some dolls' hair.
"Aldennn!" Genie shouted excitedly. She abandoned her doll and rushed over so she could hug my leg. "Romey said you were here, but you were sleepy. Have you come to play wiv me?"
"Of course I have. Why else would I be here?" I replied, giving Roman a teasing look, which only made him huff. It seemed like he was done with me and went back to braiding the hot pink hair on the doll he had in his hands. I still wanted to be near him though, so I sat down in the space beside Roman's other side as Genie returned to his left.
"Do you wanna play dolls wiv us too?" Genie asked. Such a cute kid.
"Sure. Which one can I use?" I asked.
"Mmm, this one!" She said handing me one with icy blue hair. "We're practicing braids first!"
I nodded and leant a little closer to Roman than I need to when I reached for the doll in Genie's outstretched hand. I thought Roman wouldn't mind me taunting him a little, but this time when he huffed, he seemed like he meant it. It seems he'd lost concentration and let go of the braid so some of it had come undone. Poor baby. I didn't realise he was so invested in a little doll's hair.
"Whoops. Sorry babe," I said trying to console him while also trying to hold back a laugh at how offended he looked.
"Don't do that again. I was almost done," he grumbled. "It's a dutch braid, so it has to like go underneath and be tight and look neat. Now I'll have to undo more than what came undone, cos it's loosened up the top bits, and then redo it all again."
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said again still amused. "How can I ever get your forgiveness?"
"You gotta kiss and makeup!" Genie encouraged. "That's what mummy makes us do when we get upset wiv each other."
"It's true," Roman nodded. "Kiss please."
I chuckled at his pouted lips and leant forward to give him a chaste and very PG kiss.
Genie still seemed a little shocked though with the way her face made an oh shape. "Did you kiss on the lips cos you're special fwends?"
"Maybeee," Roman teased.
Did special friend mean boyfriend?
I didn't ask.
Instead, we played with Genie, keeping her entertained, for the better part of an hour before Roman's mum called us for dinner.
I felt awkward as I sat around the dining table again as I was reminded of how things had gone last time, but everything was okay. Roman's father only made polite conversation, and when Roman's mum asked me about what I'd had to do at college today, I could only do my best not to appear flustered. Roman had told them I'd needed a nap because I'd been in college all day which wasn't the truth obviously. I made certain I didn't accidentally blurt out that I'd napped because of a little activity with Roman's mouth.
"Uhh yeah, I had a lot of lessons today, pretty tiring," I told Sofia hoping that was enough for her not to ask more questions. Of course, she did ask more, so I told her about what I'd done the day before pretending that it had happened today.
I don't know exactly when into dinner I finally noticed Roman's silence, but it was there. It wasn't even that he was completely silent exactly, more just quieter than usual. It's not like he was the most talkative person in the world, he talked a normal amount, but now he was barely talking at all. In fact, even when we were hanging out with Genie, he'd say things when she called for him but other than that, he didn't have much to say.
"Have you heard back from any unis yet Alden?" Romeo asked. "Not sure if it's too early yet to know. Roman hasn't heard anything."
"Uh, no nothing yet. I think it is still a little early, yeah," I replied.
It felt a little odd carrying the conversation with Roman's parents with his lack of talking, but luckily Genie helped by making silly comments here and there like why she couldn't have dessert first, which to be honest I thought was a fairly valid question.
By the time dinner ended though, I was relieved. I had to find out what was going on with my man. I didn't like how quiet he'd become.
"Is everything okay?" I asked when we were back in his room. "Just, I don't know if I'm looking too much into it, but you've been quieter than usual."
"Have I?" he asked like he hadn't noticed himself. "I was trying not to be."
"So, something's wrong then?" I pulled him down to sit on the bed beside me. "You can tell me. If I did something wrong, I'm so-"
"-you didn't do anything," he said cutting me off. "I'm just overthinking..."
"About what?"
I was worried maybe he was having second thoughts about us. Maybe what we'd done today had been too much for him. Maybe he realised he wasn't so much into guys after all. It could have been a number of things but all I could think about was that he didn't like some part of our relationship.
I don't know what I would have done if that was the case, not when my feelings grew stronger for him every day. He was the best part of all my days now. Seeing him was like a breath of fresh air. I said before that I was drowning in him and that feeling never stopped; I only felt like I was deeper in the water now.
"I guess...us," he said to which my heart stopped.
He didn't... he didn't want this anymore?
"Are you saying you want to stop seeing each other?" I asked my breath catching in my throat.
"What? Of course not!" he said quickly as I stared at him panic stricken. "Oh baby, no. Sorry, I shouldn't have worded it like that, but I thought you knew how much I liked you. I didn't think you would think I was questioning us like that. Just questioning more, me, I should say."
"O... okay," I said trying to calm back down. "But what do you mean?"
He sighed. "I'm probably just overthinking. In fact, I know I am. Just, I keep feeling worried I'm not good enough for you. Like I don't know to do things right."
"Do what things right?" I asked confused. My breathing had gone back to a steady rhythm, mostly, but I was still worried about Roman.
"Like... like sex things," he said before he groaned in annoyance and flopped back on the bed staring at his ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"What are you talking about?"
"Just don't think I'm any good. You've definitely been with guys that are better."
"Yeah, because they'd already had like ten years of practice and should have stayed the fuck away from me. You can't really compare yourself to them when you've only just started and not to mention they were basically podophiles," I said annoyed. "How can you compare yourself to them?"
Or not annoyed, just frustrated. I didn't want Roman to feel like that, but I also felt like this worry came from me telling him about all the guys I'd been with. I know it wasn't judgement, not of me anyway, but it had obviously affected him in some way for him to be worrying about this. I needed to make it better somehow.
I didn't look at him as I spoke again. "You've been the best because I've never liked anyone more. I loved seeing the look on your face when you were exploring my body. I know you liked it too, I saw the note you left me. And for that being how good you were for your first time doing anything with a guy, I can't fucking wait to see what you can do with about ten years of practice too."
I realised only after I'd said it that I'd implied we'd still be together ten years from now. I only realised after I thought this that I wouldn't mind Roman Kingsley still exploring my body in a decade's time.
I didn't hear it or even see him as Roman sat up again. He pulled me to him and kissed me softly and it felt like peace.
"I'm the best?" he asked pulling away.
"Yeah."
"We should be exclusive," he said rubbing my knee gently.
"We... we weren't already?" I asked worried again. He hadn't been seeing other people, had he?
"I mean, pretty much. But we never said it. Now we have. Just don't want you running off with another cute boy," Roman said.
"Mmm well that would never happen."
"Why's that?"
"Because I'd get too annoyed that I wasn't the cutest one," I said knowing full well that Roman was definitely the cutest one out of us.
He merely laughed at my stupid comment and things felt calm again. But I always worried that when things just felt okay, good even. It only meant things could go bad again.
~~~~~~~~~