Opening comments:
Hey author! I wanted to say thank you for making such a masterpiece! I really did love and enjoy it! And to be honest, this was the first Wattpad book that has me both weak in the knees, and excited for what happens next after such a long time!
Don't feel shy to add inline comments if you have any inquiries, reactions or pm me if you have anything you can't understand in my review.
First Impressions:
First, for the cover. It is beautiful, I love the cover, Adelaide and Armacres standing side by side with a crack in the middle, separating them. The font is beautiful and easy to read, it just looks really professional all in all. I love it, so good job on the cover!
Secondly, the title. It may be a little generic, but it makes sense for the story, so I think that'll be fine. But, there's just a little incorrect grammar there. It should've been 'When Worlds Cross' rather than 'When worlds Crossed.'
This is because 'When worlds Crossed' isn't complete, if you want to keep the 'ed' then it should rather be: 'When our Worlds Crossed.'
It shouldn't be that big of a deal, since you'd just remove two letters or add another word. And as I've seen from your description, I assume you were the one who made the cover. So it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to fix the cover too. Removing the wrong grammar in your book's title is something I highly suggest, since some detail-oriented readers may see this and get turned off.
Third, the description. This is the first time I've seen a really well written description in this Critique Shop, and I need to give you proper kudos for that.
You were not at all vague, and the description isn't too short or too long, it was just perfect. You left out things that needed to be left out, and mentioned the things that needed to be mentioned. Good job on that!
It just needs a little more polishing, like spacing the paragraph breaks so it looks more professional. But other than that, good job!
And lastly, opening chapter/s. I like your prologue, it gives the reader a sense of suspense and interest for the prince. The way you ended it was also really good, since it follows your description and makes the reader excited for the main character.
There are just some things that needs addressing, like the all rights reserved and first few chapter of the book. It (the 'all rights reserved and disclaimer' part) was a bit too long, and too many unnecessary things were mentioned. Like the notes for Critiques, Reviewers and Judges, Beloved Reader and Passerby, Reminder and Final Note.
Most of these are unneeded and might annoy your readers. Though the 'Final Note' states that this is a first draft, it shouldn't have been too lengthy. Just a simple sentence would do. The 'Reminder' part may also be erased as well as the note for the readers and reviewers.
And now finally we get on to the story, the prologue. I think your opening is really good, it wasn't any flashy sentence to 'give the reader shock,' but rather, it was a very well-written description. I especially love the use of the word 'dichotomy.' So congrats on hooking your readers!
But, after that comes the dialogue. 'Come out, come out wherever you are,' and though the dialogue was delivered with just the right description to make the readers hear its voice, I feel it's quite cliche. It would have been done better if it was a rather striking dialogue that would make your readers wonder why exactly the prince is getting hunted down. It could be upgraded--so to say--into a more thought provoking and mysterious foreshadowing. By adding this ominous dialogue rather than the cliche one, it would help the readers feel and have a grasp at this new world.
For example, instead of: 'come out, come out wherever you are,' it could be: 'I can see you, you and your pretty eyes.' Or something else, just something that would be more thought-provoking.
Characterization, Pacing, Plot and Conflict: (I have combined these three categories because I do not know how else to separate them when they are all interconnected.)
Adelaide doesn't seem like the generic, half-baked characters most Wattpad books have, and I love it! She isn't someone who's painfully average to the point of dullness, or someone who doesn't have a goal in life. I especially loved that she already has her own problems at school and with her family, even before the whole Armacres incident. It makes her feel more fleshed out, thought out, and unique, like she's already her own character before the appearance of the male lead. Adelaide is someone who is hardworking, goal-oriented, and grade-conscious. And I like it, she seems like such an authentic character in terms of personality.
Armacres is just a sweetie. His personality, though not quite evident in the first chapters, were beautifully presented in the later ones. I also liked how you portrayed Armacres' belongingness to his own world. At first, I thought he doesn't seem to have much of a personality than just: cute-otherworldly-prince-brings-conflict-unintentionally. He seemed like a phantom character, someone who is just there to bring the conflict. But as I read more of your book, I realize he does in fact have a personality. Though at the first parts of the book, I couldn't find a connection with him. This is probably mainly because of the fact that he didn't get much presence, action or goal in the story.
Though I have to give it to you, he really started showing more of himself when Adelaide's house got ransacked and the team started assembling. I like that part, it really heightens the tension and makes you excited for the next chapter. When he talked to Adelaide in their roof is also something I adore, you gave him such strong emotions, principles and made him all the more likeable to the readers when he comforts Adelaide. Armacres started becoming more significant to the story finally.
I also really liked Armacres and Adelaide's chemistry, they have a spark, is adorable, and just all in all a healthy, beautiful romance.
However at first I was bummed at the fact that the characters didn't have a goal to pursue at all, I didn't know what would make the readers stick to story. However as I read your book I realize you've made the first chapters plainly foreshadowing for the traitor, but that introduced quite a few problems to the pacing. The first parts of the book were mostly just domestic fluff, and there's no problem with that. Except for the pacing, it started off quite fast with Armacres falling into Adelaide's room, but then started drastically slowing down to give way for more foreshadowing.
And to be frank, I was quite bored. I was waiting for the action that the prologue and description promised me. Plus, Armacres and Adelaide didn't have goals--don't get me wrong, I understand why they couldn't possibly have goals: because they (primarily Cres) don't seem to be affected or otherwise responsible for the people chasing him. Though this makes me a little disappointed (because I really wanted characters who are responsible for the plot and the conflict), it still makes sense. The plot makes sense and isn't at all bad.
In fact, it's awesome! I especially liked the foreshadowing and especially the reveal of who's the traitor. You really weaved in the foreshadowing and details throughout the first chapters. I also really loved how you averted the readers' attention from the real traitor by introducing a suspicious character. And though I personally would've liked more tension and suspense in the first chapters, keeping the reader in the story through domestic fluff may also be a good technique.
The plot may seem quite...straightforward and single-threaded, but it still is a great plot with amazing characters. I am stopping myself from giving advice that may make or break your story, because I know it's already good. It just could be better by adding more tension to the first chapters.
You could give Adelaide and Armacres a small, sub-plot goal or introduce Armacres' inner conflict. Because we weren't really introduced to him, neither the readers nor Adelaide know much about him in the first chapters. And I've always really wondered if he ever wanted to go back to his world, how is he feigning in this new world from his point of view? Maybe you could tackle a side plot in the first parts, or maybe even just recurring statements that would bring the readers closer to Armacres' (possible) inner turmoil and home-sickness. Something that would give the first chapters more structure and help the readers connect with him.
Instead of mindless walks to the park, mix up some aspects in it that could move along the plot (or at least, the plot that the reader sees because we didn't really suspect David at first. We only saw the first chapters as fluff or fillers) or the inner conflict that I stated earlier, and not just foreshadowing. It doesn't have to affect the overall planned plot, I just wish for more tension and purpose in the first chapters.
Setting:
I absolutely loved your world building! I love that Arta (am I correct?) has its very own differences, similarities and of course language and terms. It's pretty evident that you put in great thought into Cres' world, I would really love to know more about this in the later chapters.
I could also see you put in the time to research Oakville, especially since you are a Filipino as well (though I may be wrong, maybe you're also an immigrant who lives in Oakville like Adelaide). So I want to congratulate you on your great settings.
Writing:
I love your writing, but there are some issues about the description and use of similes, metaphors and figurative speech as well as the point of view.
Let's first start with the point of view, I am quite aware that you're using Third Person Limited but I find that you fleet between this point of view and Third Person Cinematic especially in the first chapters of your book (I've found you rarely do this as the story and writing progresses). There are times where the scene is from the point of view of the character, and then a sentence would indicate how their shout rang across the hallway, indicating that this is in fact Cinematic. These moments can get quite confusing, so I suggest editing your first chapter and prologue. It isn't that much of a hassle to change anyway, it's pretty easy.
And now to your descriptions. Your descriptions in general are fine, but there are some things I need to address when you describe natural things or the surroundings, to give off a vibe I presume. It's a bit choppy, most of the time it is hard to read, and the similes and metaphors often comes off unnatural. This is again, especially evident in the first chapter in those scenes where Adelaide describes her hometown, her school, and that one figure of speech you used at the first parts of the chapter.
It could survive without the 'from the mouth of a volcano.' A little advice in adding figurative speech, especially similes (you're cute like a flower): it works so much better if the thing you compared the noun to is something that's evident in the setting, or something that has a lot of value to the plot.
In writing descriptions, it's important to be able to give off the vibes you want to give your readers. And though figurative speech, metaphors and similes are usually used to do such, it is also important to know the proper word choices and usage of figurative speech.
Here, the cat and the lion metaphor doesn't really fit in. Where in the story does it involve a cat or a lion? Was it ever a recurring theme in the story, the setting? Did it at all give off the feeling of roaring to prove someone wrong?
It would be better if you describe a part of the setting, or a detail in the taxi she's in rather than teleporting us to Rodolf in the northern pole.
These metaphors can come off a bit sudden, and wouldn't be able to fit in perfectly to your scenes and the emotions you want to give off. You can say it can even bring the reader out of the story.
Though I have to give you kudos for this, your descriptions gradually became better as more chapters go by. Look at these descriptions that I've found truly beautiful.
In that one moment where Adelaide visited her father's place, there was a huge block of description I just skipped over. These are the kinds of descriptions that writing advice books warns us about. Those kinds of descriptions that bore the readers, are concentrated on a single paragraph, and interrupts the pacing of a scene. Also, I assume this wasn't Adelaide's first time in her father's place? If it is, it would make more sense if she would be familiar--though not used--to the surroundings around her. But if this is in fact her first time, then a couple descriptions about her outlook or opinion on these things would be great.
In writing descriptions, I suggest chopping these off and distributing them along with the action. Give a couple sentences just to set the basic looks of the room, and then go into more detail as Adelaide goes around in the room, watches as Sasha brings food from the (describe, describe) kitchen. By sewing the action and the description together, you wouldn't bore your readers and they wouldn't skip past the huge block of scene setting.
But onto the topic of scene setting, I was quite disappointed at Adelaide's breaking point scene. Gilbert Blum says some really insensitive things about her mother, some really hurtful things, and then she breaks down. The problem here is not the reason of her breaking down, I understand it must be hurtful for her. But the problem is how it was delivered.
For one, the emotions didn't translate too great on the page. It was all description of what was happening around her, and we couldn't really have a peek at what Adelaide was thinking or feeling, it was as if the point of view suddenly detached from everyone and became Third Person Omnipotent.
I suggest and I advice to give the point of view to Adelaide, mention how her fists shook underneath the table, interject monologues in some or most of her father's verbal jabs at her dead mother. Talk about her thoughts, speak it out to the reader and what she feels about all of these. In that way, the breakdown would feel much more natural, and doesn't feel too rushed.
There are also some things that I need to address in her dialogue when she broke down and said all of those. Though the dialogue itself wasn't the problem, the problem yet again was how it was delivered. Now it was all dialogues, there were now no description of her surroundings and especially her feelings.
I suggest breaking in every couple of times to interject a description of how rage burned in her chest and scalded her tongue. Of how even though she knows she shouldn't be saying this, she couldn't deny the strange feeling of pleasure in her as she shouted out those words. Talk about how she wants more, say more, hurl more hurtful words at the person she calls father. That way, the emotions can be felt more, is more authentic, and flow better.
I also saw some instances where it becomes borderline melodramatic. Like when she saw the sign to her and her mother's house, and she felt the tears again. It would have worked better if she didn't feel any tears, but the emotion in her heart overflowed again, a pang, something poetic. This is because no one cries again after crying so much so abruptly, it wouldn't be natural.
Also, I noticed you use 'entire person' and 'person' way too much in the first two or three chapters at least.
The human form can be described in more ways than just that. You could use: form, body, figure, himself/herself and so much more. Again, it isn't anything serious, and a quick edit (of the first parts, especially) would do the job.
I also noticed you use Adelaide's nickname, Adie in the narration itself. It's pretty confusing, since you go from 'Adie' to 'Adelaide' and then back to 'Adie' again. I suggest to stick to one name (I'd much rather prefer Adelaide, since it's her full name) rather than switching back and forth.
Dialogue:
At first I had thought your dialogue was quite choppy, or unrealistic. It almost seems like there was an underlying Filipino accent in them. But when you introduced Cres, who I assume is someone fluent in English and uses it as his mother tongue, I understood your superior dialogue skills. Since Adelaide is a Filipino, she surely has those mannerisms or accent so-to-say under her English. And I love it! You somehow managed to give her a Filipino accent, a voice through dialogues. And it's not just Adelaide, I could see the subtle differences and tones of those who are of Filipino lineage and those who are English-speakers in the story.
I applaud you for your great dialogue!
But yet again I have noticed that there are times where you cram all the dialogues in one whole block of paragraph like the ones I talked about earlier.
Other than the suggestion I've made in the writing part of this critique, It may be better if you separate your dialogue blocks so it will be easier for the reader to digest.
For example:
Instead of: "Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue," action. "Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue."
You could do: "Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue," action. "Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue.
"Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue.
"Dialogue."
Notice how I didn't add commas to where the paragraph broke? That indicates that it's still the same person speaking, but now it (the dialogue) doesn't appear too congested. It can also help with the pacing, the importance and what I like to call the 'drop beat' of your dialogue (the audio aspects with the picture you are painting in your readers' mind.
Accuracy and originality:
Well, I'm pretty sure the premise is already quite popular among young teens, and I'm pretty sure other people have at least thought or written books with a similar premise. But, that said, no idea and no premise is ever actually original. And on another angle, you don't seem to be copying any other show or book, so the originality is just fine.
The accuracy, however. There are some things that I would suggest and talk about regarding this topic especially about Armacres and Adelaide's their reactions to each other.
It would've been better and more realistic if Armacres himself managed to persuade Adelaide into keeping him a secret. For example, by giving her a bargain or something that she really needs in exchange of living there. Because it might come off as Adelaide just falling for his princely looks and already gave him a place in their house.
Doing this also makes Armacres take a part in the story already, since up until he stayed at her house, he's been pretty much a--cute, yes--but quite a boring character. By having him act in the story early on, it'll make the readers feel more connected to the male lead.
Or, it could be played like this: Adelaide manages to push him out of the house, but the next day, or maybe at least until a couple hours, she finds Armacres sitting cluelessly in the rain or just all in all helpless outside her house. This makes her sympathetic, and the excuse about her doing this for her mom would make more sense.
The nickname basis, although it's not that much of a big deal, isn't very realistic. Especially since this is only the first chapter, their first meeting. And plus, Armacres comes from a royal background, and even calls her 'milady' when they first met. Wouldn't it be more in character for someone royal like him to not so easily let go of niceties and honorifics?
The grocery chapter is also not very realistic. I had thought Adelaide should have been smarter and more strategic than this, her being an ace and all. I would have thought she kept herself awake all night trying to find out what to do to the prince, and what her plan would be. Sure she was a nice person, but figuring out why exactly he was there and creating a plan of action would make her more active in the story, plus, her reaction far more realistic.
Also, this gives the first parts of the story more structure and goal and helps keep your readers' feet uprooted to the plot and sticking to your book.
There's no urgent need to erase the fillers, you could've just taken more advantage of it by making Adelaide have a plan or a goal on what to do with Armacres. You could make her feel sympathy for him and offer him a helping hand to get him back to his world. Or have Armacres a goal or a say in the story.
Personal enjoyment:
I loved it! Truly I did! I adore these kinds of premise, the main pair was beautiful and truly filled with chemistry, and the world building was on point. I love that you put in so much thought and effort into this book, and it really shows.
Closing comments:
That is all for the review. I hope this helped you in any way at all and that you take this critique seriously yet not personally. All criticism are for your book's own good and is not an attack on you as a person.
As promised, I will also be promoting your book on several social media accounts in several ways:
✔️Posted on Instagram
✔️ Posted on Facebook Page
✔️ Posted on Message Board
✔️ Message of Appreciation
✔️ Added to HIDDEN GEMS reading list
✔️ Shared on Literary Lounge (a Discord server for Wattpad writers and avid Wattpad readers.)