THREE YEARS LATER
Niall's spacious living room is now littered with cardboard boxes and suitcases, the stylish furniture he carefully chose out upon moving into his new home now almost get lost between the mountains of his best friend's belongings.
"Dude, I know you're like an academic and intellectual person, but do you really need to own a whole ass library?" Niall sighs, as the two of them walk into the apartment with two more boxes filled with Harry's books.
"Shut up, it's not even that much," Harry rolls his eyes, dropping the box he's been carrying on top of one that's labeled to contain shoes.
"Man, this feels like first day of college all over again!" Niall enthuses, quickly dropping his interest in Harry's book collection. "Only this time we're not sharing a tiny dorm room but my fucking cool New York City apartment!"
"Thanks for letting me crash here while I find a place for myself, I really appreciate the help," Harry sighs, taking a look around all of his stuff he is moving in with to his best friend's home.
"Anytime. You've helped me so many times before, it's the least I can do. You've been through a lot. How are you holding up?"
How is he holding up?
He wants to answer that truthfully and tell Niall that he is the lowest he has been probably in all his life. Having to move in with his best friend after his fiancé broke up with him after moving across the country just to start a life together. Harry sold his house and moved in with the woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with, but turns out the feeling wasn't mutual, because out of the blue, he found himself single and without a place he could call his home.
At least he has a job. It would definitely be his last straw if he was sent away from the publishing company he started working at after deciding to give up his career path of being a college professor. It was a hard but necessary choice, especially after everything that happened on campus. There was no way he could keep working there.
Moving to New York he dived right into finding a new but still fitting job for himself and he ended up being an editor at a decent size publishing company, so he now spends his days buried in manuscripts and possible best-selling novels.
With all the changes he went through the past years, his new job is the only thing that has truly brought him happiness and a sense of safety. Everything else crumbled around him, it seems.
"Um, I'm doing okay. Just taking it one day at a time," he sighs, hoping to sound convincing. Niall has been such a big help to him, his biggest support system.
A year ago, Niall has decided to take over the States, leave his home country behind and bring his talent overseas. He already had several clients and projects going on with American artists and now that his base is permanently in the Big Apple, he is off the charts, doing better than ever in his career, working with the biggest names in the industry.
Being physically closer, Niall stood by Harry's side in these trying times and now they are even sharing a home. He is determined to do everything he can to get his friend back on the tracks.
"Great. Let me know if I could do anything for you. I'm always here for you, you know that right?"
"Of course," Harry nods with an appreciating smile. "Thank you."
"Alright, are there any more boxes in the car?" Niall claps his hands together.
"No, these were the last ones. Thanks for the help, I'll just start to unpack."
"Cool. I'll head out then, I have a few things to take care of. Make yourself home and I'll see you later."
As the front door closes behind his friend, Harry takes a moment to take in his new home for the upcoming weeks. It's a pleasant place Niall has got for himself, definitely a bachelor's home with the darker tones and stylish furniture. It's not necessarily Harry's taste, he always tried to make his place homey and welcoming, a warm hideaway from the outside world.
But for now, he'll have to compromise until he gains control back over his life.
It wasn't easy on Harry. The way he had to end things with you. It was never how he planned and he has been doubting himself ever since. The look on your face, the way you screamed at him and told him that once he was out the door he was dead to you...
It broke him. More than he ever imagined it could.
But he didn't have a choice and he couldn't let you give your future up for him, he would have never been able to live with himself knowing he was the reason you couldn't finish your degree or had to push it longer than you originally planned and Nina made it clear that she would do anything in her power to set you back.
Harry thought about not doing what she asked and played with the thought that what if she can't hurt you the way she wanted to, but he had to come to the realization that she had every power to go through with her plan. She was great friends with the biggest names not just in the department but in the school as a whole and he knew she had connections at different universities too, she could have easily kept her word.
So Harry had to do what she asked and make sure you were safe. But it was hard not telling you the truth. He knew you'd put up a fight and try to fight back, making sacrifices, so he decided to keep you in the dark, but it was almost even more painful this way.
His heart shattered when you questioned whether he loved you or if it was just all a lie. He couldn't get himself to even answer, but his silence was enough of an answer for you. It hurt him to think about what he did to you, made you believe you were unlovable when in reality, he was doing all of it because he loved you more than anything and wanted the best for you.
Even though many would disagree that he did the right thing.
Niall couldn't believe him when he filled him in on what happened, even though part of him knew Harry would do something stupid like this.
"You fucked up, Harry. I'm not gonna lie. You should have told her the truth," he said on the phone when Harry called him a few days after the breakup. "I knew you'd fuck it up, man."
"This does not help, thank you very much," Harry growled under his nose.
Moving on wasn't easy and Harry feels like he still hasn't left you entirely in the past, but at least he has learned to live with the ghost of you that will always linger in the back of his mind and heart. There was a time he believed he would never recover, that he dig himself so deep that he would never be able to make it out.
But somehow he did, even though there are still nights when he dreams of you and wakes up with his chest tight and heaving, tears flooding his eyes as he stares up at the ceiling, still seeing your face so vividly.
He watched you graduate and get the degree Nina threatened to put into risk. You didn't see him, but he was there, in the very back, clapping with teary eyes when they called your name and you shook hands with the dean. You looked as gorgeous as ever, your hair pinned up, a black dress hugging your body and that proud smile when you finally held your degree in your hands... He needed everything in him to walk away without trying to talk to you.
That was the last time he saw you.
By the time Niall gets back home most of Harry's stuff is moved out of the living room and at least settled in Harry's bedroom, part of it packed away. He has some light 80s music flowing from his laptop that's set up on the desk in the corner of his room as he is trying to decide which books to put on the shelves. He won't be able to fit all of them, he is planning to actually sell some, mostly things he only used while he was teaching, and the rest will be taken into his office.
"Hey man, how is it going?" Niall asks, standing at the door as he looks around the guest bedroom he let Harry take for the time being.
"'M doing fine. I definitely have more shit than what I need," he sighs, scratching the back of his neck.
"We all have, believe me," Niall chuckles. "Do you want to grab a drink? I'm meeting with a few friends, gonna be back early. You should get out of here too."
"Uh, I'm not really in the mood."
"You haven't been in the mood since I fucking moved here! Come on, just a beer! It's gonna be fun! You need the change."
"I just moved into a new place, that's quite the change," Harry points out, but it earns him an eye-roll from Niall.
"Just shut up, take a shower and be ready in thirty," he simply says before disappearing. Dropping the book in his hands Harry sinks down to the edge of his bed.
"Fuck," he mutters under his breath and then starts to look for a towel and a clean pair of boxer briefs.
An hour later Harry is sitting at some bar with Niall and his friends, they are all nice and Harry would definitely enjoy his time socializing, but it hasn't really been his thing lately. He can't even tell when the last time was when he truly enjoyed an evening out.
Before his breakup with Jo, his ex-fiancé, they had been struggling for a few months already, all normal conversations turned into a screaming match and arguing became their normal. Before that, Harry was busy transitioning from being a college professor in a relatively small town to moving to one of the biggest cities in the world and working at a publishing company. He was putting in extra hours to secure his spot and thinking back at it, the amount of time he spent with working was one of the reasons things went downhill with Jo. All the nights he got home barely before she went to bed, leaving them no time to be together definitely distanced them from each other and lead to their parting.
"I promise, it's not as bad as in the movies! Harry, maybe next time you should come too!" Hayden, one of the guys from the label Niall works with says and Harry realizes he has no idea what he is talking about, he completely zoned out of the conversation.
"Huh? Where?"
"These speed dating things! I've done a few lately and it's actually fun."
"Oh, I don't think that's for me," Harry chuckles shaking his head and gulping from his beer that he's been nursing for the past hour. It has gone warm for sure, but he doesn't want to have another one.
"That's what I thought too, but it's not that bad. If you click with the other person, you exchange numbers. If not, you can just simply move on when the time is up," Hayden explains.
"Maybe we should both go," Niall offers and Harry holds back a loud laugh, because that is for sure not Niall's scene. He doesn't need speed dating to get himself a woman.
"Oh, yeah! So you can steal all the women!" Ben roars with laughter next to Hayden.
"Can't blame me for being a ladies' favorite!" Niall grins satisfied. "But for real, we should put ourselves out there sometime. Honestly, I think I should look for something serious."
"You? Serious? Great joke," Harry huffs.
"What? I'm thirty-six, it might be time to settle down," he shrugs and though he is talking lightly, Harry can notice that glint of sincerity behind his words.
Niall has always been the womanizer, hooked up with different girls every weekend in college and though he chooses more carefully now that he is older, Harry has been noticing the slight change in him. Not long after he moved to New York, he actually dated a girl for two months, that was the longest he was anchored down with the same person ever, so it's not a surprise he is now open to more than just games and fun.
"We could be each other's wingmen!" Niall continues, wrapping an arm around his best friend's shoulders.
"I'm not sure if that's what I need," Harry frowns, but Niall just chuckles patting his chest.
"It's alright, I know what you need."
As the evening carries on Harry finally gives in to have another beer instead of keeping the last drops of his first one forever. The conversation flows smoothly and he is actually kind of glad he left the house tonight. That is until a woman walks into the bar.
Harry catches her walk up to the bar with two other women and he can only see her from the back, but he gets an eerie feeling that it's you. Same height, same curves, same hair color, only it's shorter than the last time he saw you, but it's been long.
He freezes right away, his stomach and heart dropping in an instant as he stares at the woman who still hasn't turned around. What if it's really you? What are you doing in New York? Are you living here now too? Do you still look the same as he remembers? And what if you see him?
Part of him wants to find out what you'd do if you ran into him. If you'd simply ignore him, or cuss him out or maybe get a friendly little chat with him. He doubts the latter, but he likes to play with the thought that you don't actually hate him that badly after all this time.
He sees the woman slip her coat off of her shoulders and Harry is watching her holding his breath, waiting for her to turn around so he can see if it's really you. The rest of the bar has blurred, his tunnel vision is fixated on the woman as she looks for something in her purse, her hair falling forward, once again covering her face and Harry is on the edge, desperate to see her at this point.
And then she looks over her shoulder when someone enters the bar.
It's not you.
She is pretty, looks a bit younger than Harry is, but she is definitely not you.
Harry's cheeks heat up at the realization and he feels so stupid how worked up he got over a stranger just because she resembled you the slightest.
His upbeat mood vanishes instantly and for the rest of the evening he just sits in silence, finishing up the rest of his beer, thinking about you.
It's not even midnight by the time he and Niall arrive back to his apartment. Niall has noticed the sudden change in him and he is not letting him lock himself up in his bedroom without talking.
"Hey, everything alright? You got so quiet all of a sudden halfway into the evening."
"Yeah, I'm fine," Harry mumbles as he grabs a bottle of water for himself from the fridge Niall always keeps stocked.
"I'm not your mother, Harry. I'm not buying this shit."
"What makes you think my mother buys it?" he huffs.
"You're right, not even sweet Anne would believe you're fine. So, what happened?"
Harry sighs as he leans onto the kitchen island, Niall standing on the other side his hands in his pockets as he stares at his friend patiently. Harry hesitates whether he should share what he saw or thought he saw today.
"There was a woman in the bar tonight."
"There were several women," Niall comments and Harry shoots him a look that shuts him up.
"She... She looked like... I thought she was Y/N."
Niall breathes out at Harry's confession, he wasn't expecting this, but he is not surprised either.
"I thought you were over her."
Harry doesn't answer him, but Niall understands the message loud and clear: he'll never be over you.
"Is there any chance your feelings had something to do with your breakup with Jo?"
"She thought I'm still in love with her," Harry admits truthfully.
"Wow," Niall breathes out.
"She said that she can't live with a man who is in love with another woman. I never talked about Y/N, but... I guess she could feel it."
"So you still love her? Y/N?" Harry hesitates before answering.
"The Y/N I knew? Yes. I don't know her now. But... Fuck, I can't escape the thought of her, not even years later! I thought that if I get myself out there and start again with someone else I'll grow out of the place where I was with her, but I can't! I keep comparing everyone to her, it's so fucking annoying. Joanna and I dated her for two fucking years and I still... I kept telling myself it could work and that it's enough but it wasn't."
Niall listens to Harry's sudden rant patiently, allowing him to let it all out. He has a feeling it's been bottling up for a while inside him and though Harry has opened up to him a few times before about the pain he had to deal with, Niall always suspected he didn't let him in on everything.
"I was waiting and waiting that one day I would finally wake up and feel okay, but it never came. I still think about her, Niall. A lot. There were times when I was lying on the couch with Jo, I held her in my arms and I still found myself thinking about Y/N. I know it's messed up and I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her knowing I was still stuck on Y/N, but... Fuck, I feel so dumb and... I fucking hate it."
"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself," Niall sighs softly, bummed to see his friend this hurt.
"Why? I'm an idiot. I proposed to a woman when I was still in love with my ex. Joanna did nothing wrong and I still hurt her, I'm such a mess," he sighs shaking his head.
"At least you admit to the mistakes you made. It's better than denying it. I think Jo would be even more hurt if you tried to feed her lies."
"Oh yeah, but she is so thankful that when she asked if I was still in love with Y/N I couldn't even answer her or look her in the eyes. Must have been so much nicer for her."
"I'm not saying you didn't mess up, I don't even know why you proposed to her when you were still thinking about Y/N."
"Because I'm fucking stupid!" Harry groans, pushing himself away from the counter. "Because I thought that if I go through all these things I would eventually forget about her and love Jo the way she deserved to be loved. But it never happened and I just messed her up like I messed myself and Y/N up. I fucking ruin everything!"
"That's not true. Everyone makes mistakes."
"When was the last time you messed up this bad, Niall? Because I assume never," Harry huffs, holding his arms on his chest.
"I have issues too! I'm fucking terrified of commitment! I'm so damn scared of being left and hurt that I just go ahead of it all and never give anyone the chance to do it! I broke up with Jamie because I was falling for her and I didn't want to give her a chance to hurt me. I know it's messed up, but it's the way I am."
"You never told me that," Harry tells him softly. He feels bad, he's been so wrapped up in his own life that he never really got around to get involved enough in Niall's.
"It's not a big deal. I'm working on it and my therapist says I'm not a lost cause," he chuckles, bringing some humor into the conversation.
"Maybe I should go to therapy too, I'm clearly messed up," Harry sighs.
"I can ask mine to recommend someone for you. It really helps."
"Thanks, mate."
Niall nods and licking his lips he opts to just say whatever is on his mind.
"Look. You have to decide where you stand with Y/N. If you want to reach out to her, do that. Have a chat with her, maybe moving on would be easier if you made up and apologized... told the truth. Or if you don't want to do that, find a way to forget about her for once and for all."
"Reaching out to her is not really an option. She made it clear when we broke up that she didn't want to see me ever again."
"She was angry and hurt, we all say shit we don't mean. It's been three years, maybe she sees the situation completely differently now."
"I doubt that," Harry mumbles under his breath.
"It's gonna be fine, man. Just be patient with yourself."
"Thanks."
"I'm heading to bed, I have a meeting in the morning. See you!" Niall nods at him before disappearing down the hallway.
Harry takes Niall's advice and a week later he has his first ever therapy session with a doctor Niall's therapist recommended. The one hour long session proves him that talking to a professional is actually useful in his state of mind. It feels nice to talk to someone who is not biased and takes no side in his life. He opens up to his issues about letting you go and he agrees with Dr. Jackson that it's gonna be their main aim during their sessions in the future.
Arriving home he finds Niall in the kitchen, making a sandwich, his hair is damp and Harry can smell his shower gel right away as he walks in so he must be fresh out of the shower.
"Hey man, how was it?" he asks, cutting some pickles to add to his masterpiece.
"Actually, it was pretty nice." Harry climbs onto one of the stools at the kitchen island and watches his friend pretending to be a chef. "I talked about myself and then we cleared up what exactly I want to work on."
"Sounds good. How is the doc? I'm sorry you can't go to mine but... you know, it's not a good idea to share a therapist," he chuckles softly, spreading some mayonnaise across the bread.
"Yeah, I know, don't worry about it. She is great, very nice, I feel fine talking to her."
"That's great. So you told her about Y/N?"
"Yeah, filled her in on the story," Harry sighs. "I was afraid she would be all judgy and stuff, but she either didn't think it was weird at all or she just hid her thoughts well."
"Why would it be weird?"
"Because aside from the whole story, she was still my student."
"And you thought she would judge you because of that?" Niall laughs, finishing up his sandwich. "Please, these therapists have seen the worst of mankind. Your issue is definitely not the worst she has dealt with, you can bet on that."
"I'm glad I'm not the worst then," Harry chuckles. "I have some work to finish, I'll see you later," he nods at him before heading to his room. For the first time, he feels like he is on the right path.
"Good morning Harry!" Denise greets Harry as he walks out of the elevator, quickly matching her steps with his as they walk to his office. "I have forwarded a few emails to you from Brian. The manuscripts you asked me on Monday are on their way."
"Amazing, thank you."
"I'll work on the chapters you gave me earlier, do you need help with anything today?"
Denise has been the biggest help for Harry, starting at the publisher a while ago. She was just starting out as a full time assistant after being a trainee. She works so fast on the editing tasks Harry hands her, it amuses him, but she always tells him it's because reading was her only hobby growing up. Harry has been enjoying Denise's company a lot, not just at work. Whenever he needs a break from Niall's pestering he knows he can turn to the girl and he has even met her girlfriend of three years.
"Nothing that I know of, thank you," he smiles at her shortly just as he walks into his little, but homey office. He drops his briefcase to his chair as he gets rid of his coat, mentally noting everything he needs to get done today but he forgets everything when he sees a package on his desk.
It's definitely a book, he knows that just from the shape of it, it's wrapped in simple, brown paper, his name written on it with a black sharpie.
"Denise? What's this?" he calls out and the girl appears at the door a moment later as Harry holds up the package.
"Oh! A woman dropped it off this morning not long before you arrived. Maybe a gift?" she shrugs, holding a folder to her chest as she watches him inspect the package again before starting to unwrap it. "Wait, is it your birthday? Did I forget about it?" she asks with wide eyes.
"No, no it's not," he chuckles softly.
The paper comes undone under his fingers and it finally reveals the book inside. The cover is simple, it's a painting of a pair of glasses on a desk filled with papers and books, looks awfully familiar, but he can't really decide why. His eyes run up to the title in bold black letters at the top.
Our wildest fantasies.
And just above that, he sees the name of the author and he instantly drops the book.
Y/N Y/L/N.
"Harry? Everything alright?" Denise asks as the book lands on his desk with a loud thud. His eyes snap up and the panic must be obvious in them.
"Huh! Oh, yeah. Everything... Everything is fine, I just... I need to check something. Could you please close the door?"
"Sure," she nods slowly, but suspiciously before walking out of the office and closing the door.
Harry sits down grabbing the book again, taking another look at the cover to make sure he didn't just imagine it. But he sees the same thing as the first time.
Your name.
He runs his fingers over the letters as if he was caressing your skin. Millions of thoughts are running through his mind but at the same time it's completely empty.
Our wildest fantasies. What an odd title, but it definitely tickles his curiosity. He opens the hard cover and flips to the title page and he is surprised to see there's a handwritten message there. Not even a message, rather just a date scribbled there.
Friday, 5 pm.
"What the fuck?" Harry mumbles under his breath as he flips to the end of the book and see your portrait with a short introduction of yourself and his breath hitches in his throat.
You look so pretty. A wide smile adorning your perfect lips, a gentle breeze is blowing at your hair and you barely wear any makeup. It seems like it was a candid photo of you somewhere out in a natural setting and he is so grateful that you didn't go with a forced picture taken in some studio. This is so much more you and it feels like a piece of you was brought back to Harry seeing your smile.
He flips the pages back to the beginning of it and he doesn't hesitate before starting to read it, feasting on the pages faster than ever, ignoring every work he was planning to get done today.
One chapter after the other, he gets lost in your words and at first he is oblivious to what the story will be about, but maybe his mind is just trying to block the truth out, because it's so absurd and unbelievable.
But as he slowly moves over the first three, four, five chapters, it finally clicks.
This is the story of the two of you. The story of you and Harry.
As soon as he realizes, he drops the book again and turns to his computer, typing your name into Google Search, adding the date that was scribbled into the book. And just like that, the first find is exactly what he is looking for.
"Young, promising romance novel author Y/N Y/L/N holds her first book signing this Friday and talks about her first story, 'Our wildest fantasies'."
Harry reads the headline out loud and then there's the same picture of you in the article like in the book and it talks about how your book is already on its way on toplists and it's selling out everywhere.
He goes back to read the date and then checks the writing in the book again. He has no idea if it's your handwriting, but it sure seems like it's a female's. Could you be the person who sent him this? But if it was you, how did you find him? If it wasn't you, then who the hell? Especially a woman just starting from the handwriting. And what is that supposed to mean? Is that an invitation? Why didn't they write anything else?
There are so many questions racing in his mind, he is still in shock and has no idea what this is all about, but there's one thing he knows for sure.
You wrote a book about him and you and published it. Without him knowing it.
And he knows exactly where and when he can find you on Friday.