13
Camila's POV
Even though I was still grieving, we called a funeral home to arrange for Gavin's burial. Little did I know that it was going to be up to me to find a way to whisk him away from the hospital. In addition, Gavin's parents were compelled to handle his death certificate.
Certificate of demise. The words themselves hurt like hell to be listened to. I did not know a death certificate; all I knew was a diploma. Ang alam kong ibibigay kong bulaklak sa kaniya ay yung ibibigay kong crocheted flower na ako mismo ang gagawa para sa anniversary naming dalawa, hindi yung puting bulaklak na ibibigay ko sa kaniya sa mismong libing niya.
I mended the pane of glass as I proceeded gently over to his coffin. I broke down, overwhelmed by emotion, at seeing the look of his serene expression. Crying out hysterically, I collapsed down on my knees and sobbed uncontrollably 'till my voice broke. Pressing my palm against the window, I looked down at it. Gazing upon Gavin inside his white coffin, appearing incredibly at ease, my lips began to tremble once more. I yearn for a moment wherein I have the opportunity to feel his kiss for the last time.
I wanted to speak, but I was unable to produce even a single syllable from my mouth. Nanatili ang tingin ko sa kaniya na payapa nang nakahiga sa kabaong na nasa aking harapan. He looked too cold. He was so cold when I held him for the last time. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala, hindi ko siya kayang tignan pero kailangan. Ayaw kong makalimutan yung mukha niya. Ayaw kong makalimutan yung boses niya. Ayaw ko siyang mawala sa paningin ko. Gusto ko nandito lang siya.
I had been staring at the white casket for such a long time that I failed to notice the tears that were streaming down my cheeks.
Even though he is no longer alive, he fought to the very end. "I want you to know how much I am proud of you. Hindi man ganito yung inaasahan ko pero, I am glad, you finally got your rest after fighting a hard battle."
"Nakikiramay po kami,"
"Condolences to your family,"
Napatingin ako sa ilang nagsalita. Hindi ko sila mamukhaan, hindi ko rin sila kilala. Siguro kaibigan sila ng mga magulang ni Gavin. Once more, my thoughts were very unclear. The same goes for me; I was too perplexed to speak. I simply could not approach all of them. Every single one of my classmates, our fellow students, our friends, and our professors were all present at the moment. In addition, all of his other band members were present.
They were all struggling to fully understand what was currently taking place. There was not a single piece of information that they had on Gavin's medical condition. Even after the entire time, it remained hidden.
But suddenly, his death burst out in all social medias. Agad na lumipad ang balita tungkol sa pagkamatay ni Gavin sa sakit. It was said on the article that it was Gavin's condition since he was still a baby. Since he was still a baby, pero kung kailan malala na, doon ko lang nalaman.
"With his weak body, it was already impossible for him to survive anymore," said someone.
When I started began to cry once more, I covered my mouth in an attempt to prevent myself from sobbing. Sobrang bigat sa dibdib ng lahat ng nangyayari. By that point, I had become unable to deal with it any longer. This turned out to be the very first time that I expressed that my body could no longer deal with it. Nakakaubos pala kapag nawalan ka. Pakiramdam ko, hindi lang sa sakit sumuko si Gavin, pati na rin sa akin, sa mga pangarap niya, sa mga pangarap naming dalawa.
This was the very first time that both of us had given up. Pero siya, habambuhay na yung pagsuko niya. Eh, ako, may pag-asa pa ako, siya wala. Dati, palagi naming kinakaya ang lahat nang magkasama, pero hindi ito. Sa pagkakataong 'to, kailangang kayanin ko 'to nang wala siya sa tabi ko. Pero, makakaya ko nga ba kaya kung wala na siya sa tabi ko? Hindi.
The amount of this was already overwhelming for me. To my understanding, this was the very first time that I experienced losing everything, especially myself. Ramdam ko ang ilang mga tingin nila sa akin. Kailangan ko bang mahiya kasi umiiyak ako? Kailangan ko bang tumigil sa pag-iyak kasi nakatingin sila? No. Tiyak na maiintindihan naman nila yung nararamdaman ko, hindi naman kasi ito insult para mahiya ako. Hindi insulto si Gavin.
Every aspect of my life was nurtured by him. Each time I shed a tear, he was there to soothe me. Alongside me, he was pleased with my accomplishments and even mourned my failures. Over many years, he took care of me and was never far from my side.
"Yari tayo kay Gavin niyan, eh. Ayaw tumigil sa pag-iyak,"
The time has come for me to let him go. The sudden change in everything was still too much for me to cope with, so I decided against it. This situation was far too much for my heart to bear. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit sa akin ng kung sino. I was completely unaware of who this person was, yet I found myself crying in their arms all of a sudden. Pakiramdam ko kailangan kong may mapaglabasan ng mga nararamdaman ko para hindi lang maipon itong mga ito.
"Do you believe that he is already dead? He would never abandon me in such a situation... He promised that he would be around there... at all times." I broke down. My chest tightened up, and I came extremely close to fainting out. "Sagutin mo 'ko, hinintay niya na lang bang makabangon ako para siya naman yung sumuko?"
It was clear to me that he was a man when he gently stroked my body in an effort to assist me in getting up. "Tahan na," he said. Hindi niya sinagot yung tanong ko sa kan'ya. "You should eat or at least drink some water. It will never be good if your stomach is empty the whole time."
I did not provide the guy with any kind of reaction by any means. There was no sound coming from me as I continued to stare at the white casket that was directly in front of me. He helped me get out of the chair and stood back up. My tears were gently wiped away by his right thumb as he kept my chin up. The moment my eyes stopped being blurred, I was finally able to recognize the individual who was standing in front of me. Alvaro was the one who assisted me earlier by guiding me and wiping away my tears. Natulala lang ako sa kung saan, walang salita ang namutawi mula sa aking bibig.
"We got you, Cams."
"You will never be alone,"
I witnessed the way in which they smiled at me. It was able to reach their eyes. "We are going to deal through this struggle together, Camila." It was Giovanni and his bandmates. "Nangako na kami kay Gavin. Sagot ka na namin,"
Nanatili akong tahimik magdamag habang nakatingin sa bawat taong lumalapit sa kabaong ni Gavin. Tinapik-tapik pa nila ang balikat ko, nagsasabi rin sila ng 'condolence' at matapos no'n ay lalapit kila Tita Cherry. Pare-pareho kaming lumuluha matapos tignan ang pagkakahimbing ni Gavin. At this moment, we are mourning the tragic death of an aspiring individual, an inspiration and a valuable person. Hindi mo aakalaing sa sobrang lakas ni Gavin ay may iniinda na pala siyang sakit.
Isa siya sa mga ipinagmamalaki ng university namin, pero naglaho na lamang nang gano'n gano'n yun nang dahil sa pagkamatay niya. Mas lalo ko siyang ipinagmamalaki ngayon dahil sa katapangan niyang lumaban sa sakit niya. Kahit na natalo siya ng sakit niya, alam kong masaya na siya dahil nakuha niya na yung pahinga na hinihingi ng katawan niya. Proud na proud kami sa 'yo, Gavin.
My mother came to pick me up at Gavin's place at twelve o'clock in midnight. I had no other option but to go along with her on the way. Kailangan ko na ring magpahinga. Baka magalit si Gavin kapag nalaman niyang hindi ako kumakain at natutulog. Alam kong ayaw niya na ganito ako, ayaw ko siyang dini-disappoint. Alam kong inaasahan ni Gavin na magiging okay ako kapag nawala na siya, pero alam niya rin sanang hindi naman ganoon kadali yung inaasahan niya.
"You need to go home first and rest. You haven't slept for two days," Mama held my arms.
Sa una ay hindi ko ginustong sumama pauwi sa bahay. Pero, halos mapilitan ako nang buong banda ni Gavin ang namilit sa akin na umuwi muna at magpahinga. Ganoon din si Tita Cherry, nakikiusap yung mga mata niya habang pinipilit akong umuwi muna.
"Sinabi ko na, Camila, hindi ba? Dapat noong umpisa pa lang-" Iyon agad ang bungad ni Mama nang makarating kami sa bahay.
Natigilan si Mama sa pagsasalita nang sumenyas ako sa kanya. "Mama, huwag muna ngayon," I pleased, making my voice barely audible. Para akong nauubusan ng hininga sa bawat paglabas ko ng mga salita. Napapikit sa hindi malamang dahilan si Mama, napailing siya muna sa akin bago ako iwan sa sala namin. Huminga ako nang malalim, tinaas ko ang tingin sa kisame bago pa tuluyang tumulo ang mga luha ko.
Mainit na naman ang paligid ng mata ko, tanda na naman iyon na nagbabadya na namang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Mahina akong napangiti nang mapait sa aking sarili. I wiped away my tears with the palm of my hand and the back of my hand. I did nothing but keep quiet and listen to the hush that reigned. There were a lot of things that came to my mind.
His head was too confused with so many things, and his heart was weakened. He was at a loss for words. He might have reasoned that I was getting exhausted from providing care of him. He was likely thinking about quite several things while he was attempting to recover from his medical condition. It was caused by me that he did it. But, the result of his decision made me the weakest person I ever had.
"Just take me wherever you are, Gav. I wanna be with you so bad." I whispered to myself habang unti-unti ko nang pumipikit ang mga mata ko. Mahina akong natawa sa sarili ko. Bakit kaya hindi nauubos yung mga luha ko?
When I received a notification on my phone, I immediately glanced over it. A notification appeared in my text messages and I viewed it. A text message was presumably sent to me. even though I had become too exhausted to do so, I opened the message that was delivered to me. I just had the sudden urge to open it, so I went ahead and did it. The fact that it came from an unknown number prompted me to become curious right away.
From : 09*********
Gavin permitted the entire band to take good care of you and assist you in recovering from all of the stupid things that had taken place in his life. Are you aware of his letter? Or, have you read it? Please consider doing so. Such thoughts that were constant in his head were placed in there, so read the letter. And, if you're curious, this is Var.
&.&