Warning for angst, cheating, suicide attempt, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, mild illusions to hallucinations and pills.
Cheong-san sees Su-hyeok with someone else, and he desperately tries to not break down.
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Cheong-san sighs, Su-hyeok had come home late again, saying that he had extra work to do. He knows that's not true, as Su-hyeok never took on any extra work because he wanted to spend every moment he had with Cheong -san, and if he did have to, he would tell Cheong-san immediately.
He leans over the table and looks at the photo frame that stood upon the cabinet, along with their other photos.
He stands up and walks over to it and picks it up. It was a picture of their 5th anniversary, his brain going over theories as to why he lied about the extra work.
Maybe he's gonna surprise me with something. But what if he's not? What else would he do? ...You know what I'm referring to too.
He knows deep down that there is only one answer — Su-hyeok is cheating on him. He knows that Su-hyeok rarely spends money on material items or surprise gifts, so he asked him one time why, and Su-hyeok answered "I 'm saving up so you can have your dream wedding." That alone moved him to tears.
He looks up, determined, figuring out what he should do. He takes his wallet, phone, and keys, then makes his way to his car.
He decides to go to the cafe near Su-hyeok's work to pick up coffee. He parks the car and walks into the cafe. He pauses when he enters. Su-hyeok is sitting at theirs ( theirs, ours, yours and mine. When did it become yours and hers? ) table with a girl, laughing and flirting with her.
One of the employees walked over to him, the employee's face showing pity. They frequented this cafe a lot so they knew most of the employees working there. All of them knew of their relationship.
"Do you want to get your regular? Everyone settled that it's free." They whispered to him. He nods me, mind blank. The employee leads him over to a secluded table in the corner and goes back behind the counter
He sat there for a few minutes, mind going over what he had just seen. Dazedly, he opens his phone and looks at his screen. It was a picture of him and Su-hyeok on their first anniversary. He feels a tear slide down his face, opening up contacts, and finding the number saved as "On-jo😒'' he calls her immediately.
"Cheong-san? Why did you-" he cuts her off with a sniffle, "Yah! Yah! What happened?!" She asks worriedly. "Can-can you come to the cafe?" He whispers. Silence was heard for a while before the rustling started.
"I'll meet you there." And she ends the call. A soft thud makes him look up. It was the employee from before, they hand him his coffee and leave him alone.
He risks a glance at their table and feels a sob trying to rip out of his mouth. Su-hyeok kisses the girl takes her hand up to his mouth and seems to whisper words to her. He bites his hand in an attempt to muffle the sobs coming out.
He lays his head down on the table, before feeling a soft pat on his back. It was another employee, they solemnly offered him some ice cream.
He bowed to them and shoves some ice cream in his mouth, desperately trying to distract himself. The door opens and he watches as On-jo scans the cafe and stalls at the scene of Su-hyeok and the girl. He makes eye contact with her, willing her to not storm the table. Then the door opened again and there were I-sak and Gyeong-su. He stood up immediately, trying to warn them, but it was too late.
Gyeong-su saw Su-hyeok, and he lunged.
It was all a blur, one moment Gyeong-su was standing next to the rest, then suddenly he was tackling Su-hyeok to the ground. People screamed around them and left the scene.
All except a few people, Cheong-san's friends, Su-hyeok, and the girl he was with, who was trying to separate the two men.
But Gyeong-su growls at her and pushes her away, and that seems to anger Su-hyeok, "Ya! Don't hit her!" He yelled, pushing Gyeong-su away.
Cheong-san trembled, then he yelled, "Gyeong-su! Stop it!" He runs over to them and separates them. He sees the surprise on Su-hyeok's face when he steps into view.
"Gyeong-su — " Cheong-san starts, but Gyeong-su just growls and points to Su-hyeok, "Look, you can be as mad as you want at me later! I saw him kissing another person! A fucking girl at that!" The rage in his voice was unmistakable.
The way Cheong-san flinches but doesn't look shocked made him realize why they were called over to the cafe.
The redness around Cheong-San's eyes is a dead giveaway that he cried, "Let's all calm down—" I-sak tried to say, but On-jo pushed her back, "Cheong-san, what are you gonna do?" She asks, her eyes flicking back and forth to Su-hyeok and him.
The silence was deafening, only being broken by the employees. Cheong-san gives his apologies, then rushes to his car and drives home, immediately, ignoring the calls of his boyfriend ( or should he say ex? ) and his friends behind him; he stops at a red light and puts do not disturb on his phone.
He connects his phone to his car's radio and opens Spotify to his sad playlist. Putting it on shuffle, he allows tears to fall.
—————
When he makes it home, he pauses as he sees the promise ring on his finger. Angrily, he took it off and threw it against a wall.
He chokes out a sob as all their memories play on repeat... The times they planned out their future, planning out where and what to buy, going on their dates, when they first kissed.
Everything comes back to him.
He slid down the door. He shivered, missing the warmth of Su-hyeok's hug. He props his head on his knees, "How will I live without you?" He whispers to an empty house.
The sound of a car pulling into the driveway snaps him out of his daze. He shakily gets up, looks at the door for a split second before running to the bedroom.
He locks the door and leans back on the door, hearing the hurried footsteps come closer and closer before they stop at the door.
"Cheong-san-ah, I know —" He shudders, hearing the voice, "I know you're in there..." Su-hyeok trails off with an unsure tone. Cheong-San made no move to reply. The silence stretched on for what felt like hours.
Stay, stay, stay. Don't walk away please, please don't —
Until Su-hyeok said, "I — I'm sorry, I'll come back in a few days to collect my things." Cheong-san felt rage build-up, as well as tears, that was it? Was he gonna give up on their relationship just like that? He was gonna leave and wouldn't even make an effort to explain why he did that? That's it?!
He shakily opens the door and meets Su-hyeok's eyes from where he was putting his promise ring into the bowl beside the front door. The look on Su-hyeok's face was priceless. Eyes widened with guilt, mouth pressed to a thin line. Cheong -san takes shaky steps towards him. Su-hyeok not moving an inch. "Why?" He asks through tears, "WHY?!" He reaches Su-hyeok and punches him in the chest.
"WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!" He shouts before falling to his knees in front of Su-hyeok, sobs tear out of his mouth viciously, never once stopping. Su-hyeok just kneels in front of him and takes him into his arms. Muttering apologies as they lay in a bittersweet embrace. Cheong-san weeps and weeps, his head aching, his body shivering. With the last of his strength, he cups Su-hyeok's face, "...W-what did I do wrong?" He whispers with a broken voice.
"I fell out of love, I'm sorry." That was all Su-hyeok says before he pushes him away and walks out the door. ( He walked out of your life just like that, Cheong-san. It shows how truly meaningless you were in his life. )
He screams, getting up and shoving all their photos from the cabinet. The glass pierces his skin, but he makes no move to stop. He weeps for their love, he weeps for all that they had gone through, he weeps for their memories, but most of all, he weeps for all that they had lost.
Never once did he weep for himself.
He feels himself getting dizzy. All he hears is a faint thud and a door opening before his vision goes black.
—————
When he comes too, he sees a white ceiling. He looks around and sees On-jo sleeping on a chair next to him. He tries to speak but finds he cannot. He settles on shaking her awake. He moves carefully, wincing at the pain that shoots through his limbs.
He lets out a hoarse gasp as he topples over. It results in On-jo startling, awake, and screaming for a nurse. "Cheong-san! Stop moving! My god — why do you do this to yourself?" She says, concern laced in her words as she helps him settle on the bed again.
Cheong-san winces and opens his mouth to respond, but only coughs come out. On-jo fumbles for a water bottle and presses it to his lips. He greedily drinks it all in, his body relaxing slightly, even with all the sharp pains shooting up his limbs.
He looks up at her with a questioning look, "Gyeong-su went over to your house after getting a call from one of the neighbors on violent screaming coming out of your house, she also mentioned Su-hyeok's car speeding away from the house. " On-jo finishes with a solemn voice.
The silence that followed after was suffocating. Cheong-san stays silent, biting his lip. It was broken by the door bursting open, a nurse and a doctor coming in, and his friends behind them. On-jo just gives him a look that says 'We're gonna talk about this later.' He decides to ignore that and just focus on mustering up a smile for his friends.
"Guys-" He coughs, everyone clamoring around him. He smiles, one that doesn't reach his eyes, and tries to speak again. The doctor coughs and everyone turns quiet. Cheong-san turns to the doctor and motions for him to continue.
"Mr. Lee, I don't recommend speaking for a few days, as you tore some of your vocal cords and you're quite dehydrated. I'll prescribe you some medicine for your vocal cords and some instructions that you have to follow for two weeks." The doctor says, looking up from his clipboard. The nurse scurries around him putting back the wires and adding something to his IV.
The nurse leaves the room, the doctor following. But he hesitates and pauses at the door, before looking at Cheong-san with a sad smile, "I hope you get better soon. What happened to you was not something you deserved." And silence reigned once more.
Gyeong-su approached him first, both of them staring at one another, before Gyeong-su pulled him into a hug, "I've called auntie Cheong-san, You can cry now." Gyeong-su whispers into his hair. Cheong-san shakes, then he lets the tears fall.
The rest of the group gradually got in on the hug.
They stayed like that for an hour.
—————
His eomma came into the room a few hours later, apologizing profusely at the fact that she was late. Not that Cheong-san can blame her. Hyosan is far from Seoul after all. She brings some of her chicken with her, talking about how her days in Hyosan have been quiet without him and his friends around.
They don't talk about Su-hyeok.
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His appa came by earlier and said he could only stay for a day or two since he still needs to go back to work. His family just talk and catch up in the hospital room, making plans on going out together when Cheong-san is released.
They still don't talk about Su-hyeok.
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A day before his departure from the hospital, they sat next to him and said, Let's talk." Cheong-san merely nodded and shuffled over for them to have more space.
"Just know, you're always welcome to come back in Hyosan, we still have your old room set up —" His appa started. but his eomma immediately put a hand to his mouth, "What he means honey, is that whatever you 're going through right now, we just want you to know that we will always be with you." Cheong-san felt his heart clench.
"On a side note — I just knew that Su — " His appa started, but stopped when Cheong-san flinched violently. His eomma glared at his appa before taking him into a hug, "Cheong-ah, you're my son, no matter which path you decide to take, your eomma will always be here." She says with such a loving tone, Cheong-san almost breaks down.
Almost
His appa joins the hug moments later. They stay like that for an hour or two.
—————
He goes back to their — his, his home ( is it home now? ). He opens the door with shaky hands. Everything is the same as it was. The broken glass, their pictures punctured by shards of glass, and his promise — he stops.
Then he walks over to it, shaky hands holding the ring up to his eyes.
He sets it back down.
Cheong-san makes his way to the couch, letting out a tired sigh as his back hits the couch. He freezes, seeing the blanket they kept on the couch after they fell asleep on it far too many times. He picks it up and places it on him soon; tears fall, but no sound is made.
Hyeok-ah, I miss you.
He sat there for hours, bundled up in a blanket crying silently.
—————
He stretches, his muscles sore from sitting in that crouched position for hours. He takes the broom and some rags and cleans.
An hour later the house was clean, spotless even. Cheong-san took everything that belonged to Su-hyeok and stuffed them into suitcases. He was trembling the whole time. He got up from his position when he heard the doorbell ring.
Sighing, he got up and opened the door. It was the girl from the cafe.
Both of them stood there, staring at each other. One with disbelief and pain, and one with guilt and sadness. "Are you here to gloat?" Cheong-san whispers with an angry tone. The girl shakes her head, "I- I'm here to apologize." She bows her head. Cheong-san grips the door with anger, "Out! Don't - Don't you dare show your face here again." And at that, he slams the door shut.
The girl on the other end sighs and leaves the property.
—————
Cheong-san doesn't tell anyone about the girl coming over to apologize, he barely even talks about Su-hyeok. Hell, it was concerning to the point that On-jo's dad recommended a therapist to him. He knows the looks they give him when they think he's distracted. When they think that he isn't aware.
They couldn't be more wrong, he's so aware, aware of everything going on around him at once, even from the smallest of things — like how Dae-su lost a few pounds when even he hasn't noticed it yet, or how Wu-jin seems to stare at Joon-yeong for a tad bit too long.
He thinks it's weird, so he searches it up on the internet and finds out what it's called.
Hyperawareness
He doesn't tell anyone.
—————
The thoughts start when he's all alone, lying in bed. The missing warmth next to him propels his thoughts to go dark.
Don't you ever think about it, Cheong-san, don't you ever wonder why he chose to stay with you of all people? YOU?
The resident fuck-up who has a shit ton of mistakes weighing on him, or the fuck fuck-up who stayed with his abusive and toxic ex-boyfriend even though the signs were right there? The fuck up who allowed himself to be raped and enjoyed it?
He left because he realized that you were a fuck up, a mistake. Someone who he should have never been associated with. I bet all your friends are thinking you're so overdramatic and are overreacting to something this small.
He lays still, letting his mind wander.
You need to repent, you know how you can repent?
Kill yourself, Cheong-san.
Get up, go to the bathroom, and take the pills.
Swallow them, all of them.
He fumbles as he gets up, his mind reeling with possibilities, many things coming at him all at once. The many things he can do to repent — slice your wrists, — hang yourself, — fall from — "Cheong-san?" He looks up at Su-hyeok dripping wet.
Su-hyeok's eyes went from the pill bottle in his hands, and to his face. Stepping to him calmly, "Cheong-san, put that pill bottle down..." He says as if talking to a child. Cheong-san takes a step back, the frown on his face.
Su-hyeok steals a glance at the pills in his hand, antidepressants. He frowns; he remembers stocking up on them a few days before that — "Cheong-ah, put the pills down and come to me." He says seriously.
Cheong-san hesitates — then he puts the pills down and steps closer to Su-hyeok. Just as he was about to touch him, Su-hyeok vanished. "Hyeok? No! No no no no no come back please — I'll do better, I'll be better! Just come back please." He begs to an empty room, arms outstretched as if wanting to hug someone.
He passes out on the bathroom floor from exhaustion.
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UNEDITED - 2958 WORDS
EDITED — 3111 WORDS
UNEDITED — 3 : 37 PM
EDITED — 10 : 46 PM
PART 1 OF ?
sorry for suddenly leaving this as two parts, i reached a major writer's block in the middle of making this, but I'll try to get part two finished soon :)