16th October 1980
"So... tomorrow night ? My place ?" Nathan smiled a little as I kissed his cheek, nodding as I opened the passenger side door. "I'll have the booze already sat on the table."
"Thanks for last night. Don't get too drunk at this lunch you're off to, last time you were too hungover to even move. I'll see you later." I gave him only a very small wave, one short enough for him to notice the conversation I never really enjoyed was coming to a slightly more abrupt end than he'd expected. I closed the car door behind me, turning on my heel to avoid his smirk as I waited to hear the car engine sputter.
I didn't take too long making my way up to Mel's office, tapping only gently against her wooden door to reveal her red haired figure sat at the same desk, her glasses sat on the edge of her nose as she smiled.
She hadn't changed a bit, not even since I'd met her. Nor had her role in my life. We'd undeniably become closer over the years, but that was inevitable. She worked the same job, told me the same things, and never once asked me to take a small film role again.
"Hiya... how are things ?" She asked somewhat quietly, straightening up a stack of paper on her desk as u shrugged a little.
"Not too bad. Been a little busy. I've erm..." I paused as I realised what I wanted to suddenly confess to Mel. Almost without releasing what I was about to say I was going to tell her about Nathan, my secret now boyfriend who'd been the one to only partly willingly give me a lift here.
Since seeing Roger again I'd felt my feeling towards him become a little stirred, far too long after they'd settled to. It worried my ones about Nathan, and even caused me to question the majority of them, but I think that's why I was so desperate to spend as much time with him. In my mind, the more time I spent with Nathan the more I'd find myself falling, since I liked to tell myself that's how love worked. But I always remembered how I'd fallen for Roger in so little time, and how this romance didn't quite work the same way.
But despite the blonde and brunette my head seemed to battle over, I couldn't quite pin why the next sentence that wanted to pass from my lips was the confession to my relationship- but it was. And for some reason even though I'd stopped it only temporarily, I decided to let it keep moving forward.
"I've been dating this guy now for a couple weeks... his names Nathan. He's alright. I just, I thought I should tell you. I'm not gonna like tell the world or anything but-"
"Oh god finally ! You've not been with anyone since Tommy Evans for crying out loud." She exclaimed, her hands thrown out dramatically as she laughed. "I'm happy for you though... and you can tell the press whenever you're ready to. No rush."
"Yeah. No rush."
"This might not be my place or anything... but do you love him ?"
The word love wasn't one I thought of when it came to Nathan. I loved Connie, Julian and Summer and Leo and Charlie and my cat and my mum, and I knew that was all love that was true. Because just like my mum said, love was something you never let let go of it it's real. But I'd never thought I'd loved Nathan. His name never sprung to mind when hearing the word.
The man who did however wasn't supposed to. Not anymore. Which is why every time I did hear the word love and my mind replayed the conversation me and my mum once had about how true it is, I shut him away as quick as possible. I know now it's because I wanted to deny the feeling. If I closed it off and didn't think about it than how could it be true ? It was easier to pretend those feelings didn't exist, to put on a false act rather than admit the dreaded truth.
But one thing that was real, and not in fact a lie was how I never thought of Nathan as someone I loved. He was someone I liked, of course he was. And even though he was very different to how he was when I first met him, he was someone I could see sticking around. But not someone I could see myself loving as truthfully as I had done other people.
"I'm not sure about that one yet... but anyways I'm here to listen to you ramble on about my career not who I love."
-
"Nice to see you helped yourself to lunch Connie... glad I could be of some use to you." I laughed as she blushed, closing the fridge door behind me after taking a glance at its empty contents.
"I was waiting for you to get back and you were taking ages ! Besides I shared with the cat if anything I was doing you a favour." She giggled, the plate previously holding the last bits of food in my fridge now on the edge of my sink as the cat brushed past my leg. "Anything interesting to report back ?"
"Connie... you know how I was like distraught over Roger- like heartbroken about it ?" I replied slightly suddenly and incredibly nervously, watching with nerve as her eyebrows raised slightly. Her mouth opened as if she was about to say something, pausing as she realised the words couldn't quite process enough to form a sentence. "I don't think I'd react one bit the same if Nathan left."
"Honestly, Nathan's not the worst person in the world. But he's not the best. But I think you like to forget why you and Roger never did work out. You were his sidepiece. You're not Nathan's... and I think you like to pretend Roger loved you. Nathan does love you."
"He's never said he loves me. I mean, I like him. He's a decent guy. I just... I don't know if he's the right person." I continued, trying to find a place for Nathan in my future that just didn't seem to match. It wasn't that I didn't like him, cause I did, but for a reason I didn't know at the time I couldn't see him moving forward with me.
"But neither is Roger. You've gotta remember why it didn't work out with him. I know seeing him again has probably bought up every memory there ever fucking was but... just get caught in something you don't wanna get caught in."
"There's is only one feeling that's bigger than love right, and that's loss. And I just, I'm so annoyed at myself cause I just don't wanna loose Roger again." I sighed, scooping up the cat before falling onto the sofa, my thought still spinning round.
Connie didn't know what to say, or do, she simply paused, practically froze, leaving us sitting in an awkward pause until the phone rang. I turned to face the blaring phone, but quickly noticed the girl still partially in shock had decided to answer it.
"Oh... hi Roger. Sorry it's Connie..." she flashed her eyes at me as mine widened, a small smirk at her lips as I plonked Toulouse besides me and rushed to take the phone from he grasp. "Adelynn was just, erm, well she was doing fuck all."
"Thanks Connie." I rolled my eyes playfully, taking the phone along with a quick breathe. "Hi Rog, you alright ?"
"Yeah... I was just thinking and erm, well I remember you saying you wanted to go to the cinema, and well I thought we could go tonight, strictly just as friends. Only if you want to." He asked, the confidence I remember slowly creeping back into his tone. Connie was stood behind me, listening in with her teeth sunken into her bottom lip to avoid a gasp escaping.
"Roger... you're joking. Cmon." I chuckled, shaking my head. "For starters it's gonna be crammed full of people- there's no way we're gonna go unnoticed. And secondly... you're crazy."
"What's the worst that's gonna happen ? A friend has offered incredibly kindly to take you to watch a film your boyfriend won't... and you're really gonna turn down the offer ?"
"Ugh it annoys how I can't say no to you. Fine. But seriously, how are we gonna go unnoticed ?"
"Just trust me Lynn. I'll see you tonight."
"Fuck sake." I huffed, my hand meeting my forehead after it pressed the phone back against the wall. Connie looked at me with her lips slightly screwed and eyebrows raised, hands on her hip as if she was a mum telling me about how she knew she was right.
"You're gonna fall for him all over again. Don't forget about Nathan..."
"I won't !"
-
"You look nice." Roger smiled as I closed the door behind me, waving to the cat as he curled up on the sofa. Connie had left hours ago to let me debate the evening and what I was going to wear on my own, which lead me to being stood in front of Roger in a thin jumper and simple pair of jeans as he stood opposite me in black button up, dark jeans and a leather jacket I'd seen him wear before in the papers.
"Thank you." I nodded a little, following behind him as we walked to the car, his hands in his pockets as they reached for the key. The two of us got in almost in silence, but it seemed to be broken by the huff of his breath and a small chuckle from me.
"So... what exactly is your great plan to keep us hidden ?"
"Well... I can't tell you. But if you wanna be really, really careful then you ought to wear a pair of my old glasses. Glovebox." Roger pointed in the direction to the glovebox, only a little playful smirk as we drove to the cinema.
It felt strange being besides him again, back in what I would of said was the same seat if he still had the same car. But it was no shock that he'd bought another one in the height of his success. He acted as if nothing has changed, which it most definitely had, but for some reason it was like the past two years had never taken place.
After settling into a slightly tense silence, one neither of us quite knew how to push away, I reached into the glovebox and pulled out the sunglasses clearly not too old, sliding them over my eyes as the two of us both laughed.
"These are prescription aren't they ? You never said you wore glasses..." I giggled as he shrugged slightly embarrassingly, pulling the glasses back down as the journey came to an end sooner than I realised.
"Well I don't wear glasses... that's the point of them. I just wear sunnies. Easier."
"You're embarrassed to wear glasses aren't you ?" I laughed again as he parked the car, his brows only slightly furrowed as he yanked the keys from the ignition.
"Look I can bloody take you home if you're gonna be cheeky..." I shook my head frantically as we both got out the car, a little smile I would most likely later deny as we stepped along the short path to the cinemas. "How've you been ?"
"The same as I always am. You ?"
"Not bad. Not bad at all." He surprisingly let his arm fall around my figure, subtly too as the two of us slid our glasses in, his arm empty of my frame paining the door open. "Now whatever you do don't fall over in those glasses..."
"God you're practically blind how did I never notice." He shook his head, chuckling only the smallest bit as we were met with the women selling tickets. His hand stayed around my frame, which was probably best considering I couldn't quite walk in a straight line wearing his glasses, but it didn't fit the same as it used to.
"Go get some popcorn or something... I'll sort the tickets." Roger gave me a gentle push in the direction of the food being sold, whispering words I couldn't quite work out as I nodded slowly and made my way over to the only young lad stood lazing behind the foot counter.
I got some popcorn and drinks for myself and Roger, soon falling back into his arm when he crept up behind me, a little smirk as I handed him his drink and the lad a note. It was strange how me and Roger worked around eachother, we laughed and smiled like he hadn't walked out my door for a reason we both knew to be too wrong, but in the moment it was easier to just be friends. It was nice to enjoy the time as two people who just liked being in each other's company, who knew each other well and laughed like they had before. It wasn't until I would go home or the air would fall silent that I would start to realise how crazy it all was.
We walked through to the screen we were sat in, the smell of sweet popcorn and sticky armrests reuniting with my sense after what felt like years as he pushed the door open, his smirk still smug whilst we took off our glasses.
I scanned the room as we walked into it, standing right in front of the screen to discover there was not a single other person sat in the red material seats. I looked at Roger with a puzzled expression as he sipped his drink and nodded- the simple moment his head had taken to telling me he knew the exact cause of the room's emptiness.
"Roger... what did you do ?"
"I booked tickets this morning. And by booked I mean I bought all of them. So, no worries about getting recognised or interrupted or anything like that."
"You're ridiculous !" I exclaimed, shaking my head as he scoffed. I didn't quite know why he had done what he did, but it didn't mean the gesture he likely deemed small didn't mean masses to me. It wasn't suppose to, that I knew, because there was another man who like to call me his. I couldn't do the very thing I'd left Roger for doing, but he was keen on the idea of it.
"A thank you would've been nice but I suppose I'll accept that."
"Why'd you even do this ? Im not even sure we're meant to be friends..."
"Then why did you agree ?" His smugness was too overpowering- smirking cockily as he waited for an answer I knew I didn't have.
"I have no idea. I suppose I just, I do like you. But I'd rather have you in my life then out of it. And... I made a promise to someone that I couldn't break."
"Shush- the film's starting." He lifted his finger up against his lips as I laughed, tossing a handful of popcorn at him that earned me a scoff far too loud to he good, ending the only moment-aril awkwardness. "Miss Lynn... that is no way to treat a friend."
"A friend ? hmm I never said that we were-"
"Excuse me Miss but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't interrupt me in the middle of this movie."
-
"Well..." I paused as Roger shook his head, his face screwed up as it feel against his closed fist. "It wasn't the worst film I've ever seen."
"I can see why your fella avoided it." He chucked almost, getting up stiffly from his seat before stretching out dramatically. I shook my head with a small laugh, shrugging as he let out a loud sigh.
"It could of been far worse."
"Yeah... it could've been."
We walked back to the car in a silence much more comfortable, his arms empty of my frame as it stumbled only ever so slightly in his glasses. He chuckled slightly as the two of us got into the car, a relieved sigh passing my lips as I shoved the shades back into the glovebox.
"Well, I had a nice night. Even though the film was crap... I had a good time." I smiled as his cheeks blushed only a tinge red, lips pulled into a smirk only an inch smug as the keys turned in the ignition. "Thank you."
"It was nice to see you. It was like nothing had ever bloody changed between us." Roger chuckled, scratching the back of his neck as I shrugged only slightly. I hated how it felt the same, because I was really still hurt by the paper I saw that morning. And I always will be. Nothing really compares to knowing someone you love isn't the person that loves you, and it's even worse when they love someone else.
"This doesn't make sense. At all. We ended whatever we had because you loved someone else. And we keep seeming to forget about it." I mumbled almost, my hand lifting up to my lips to bite at the skin around my finger as the smugness drained from his expression. It was blank. He didn't know what to say, or what he should of been saying to try and make himself look or feel better. He was completely caught off guard, frozen almost, which was no shock. I'd even been shocked that I'd let the words pass to easily.
"I knew from the moment I met you I wanted to be with you... I just, I didn't think. I was selfish. But I was gonna drop everything I had with her for you."
"It still hurts Roger. A lot. Knowing the entire time I fell for you, you were with another women. And she loved you just like I did. It still really fucking hurts. And I don't want you to think just cause you're suddenly back in my life I'm over it. I think about it every time I fucking hear your name. I remember it like it was yesterday." His face flooded with guilt, which almost relieved me, because I wanted the relief of knowing he was sorry.
"I know. And the worst thing is I have no idea what to do to try and make it atleast somewhat better..."
"You can't change what happened. Not at all. And it's always gonna fucking hurt. But you really need to make sure us being back in each others life is the right thing Roger... I mean, is there even much point to it ? How far are we really gonna get as friends when our past is still being dragged behind us ?"
"I just... I couldn't fucking bare to go another two years without you. Despite everything else, what I said and what I did, I really did like you. And being with you was fucking amazing. It was just, it was normal, when it shouldn't of been." I knew it was normal- that's why I loved it. I loved being me, not being the girl the press wanted me to.
"I don't wanna look like a fucking idiot again. And I don't wanna go through what I did. I wish more than anything that you were there..."
"I'm here now... I really do know it's not the same but I'm here."
I didn't quite know why, but as soon as the car stopped and I unplugged my seatbelt, I leaned over and hugged Roger quite possibly as tightly as I could. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to let him go. It could of been cause I was scared it might be the last time, or because I missed the feeling, but I hugged him like I never would again. He didn't expect it, that was evident in the hesitation his arms took to wrap back around me, but as he did I felt a gentle kiss against my cheek.
"Don't go in there and drink yourself to death... please." He mumbled as I unwrapped from him, slightly embarrassed as I opened the car door. I nodded only a little, my lips taking to an uneasy smile, getting out the car as Roger sat with an expression clearly blank. "Wait Lynn hang on..."
I leaned down to the gap between the car and it's opening door, watching his expression as it held the worlds he couldn't yet find the strength to say. He sighed nervously, the ache of knowing he needed to say what he was thinking causing a fluster to take to his body.
"Adelynn... please, if you ever fall in love again. let it be with me. Not him." Roger pleaded with not only his words but the innocence in his eyes that had blinded me to all the mistakes he'd made before. To all the hurt he'd let me feel. All the ache he'd caused. The breakage my heart had suffered with. The shards of my heart I had to squeeze in my grasp everytime our eyes met.
I couldn't say anything back. How could a statement that caught me so off guard deserve a response ? I turned on my heel and closed the door gently, pulling back the tears that sat on the edge of my sorry eyes as they trailed the path to my front door.
It was a numb interaction. We should've felt a thousand things, being back in each other's arms, but we couldn't. It was confusing. And it made me think about him more than I liked. And it made me think about my mums claim to true love, and how the feeling never would really die.
An- this isn't well written ik but i almost forgot to upload it 😭
thanks for reading ;)