« On the top of your hell we share a smile.
And I wonder if, in your nightmare,
I found my Paradise. »
~*~
As everyone rejoiced, eating and drinking wine and champagne, Historia stayed away from the celebration, in a small corner of the room.
The newly appointed warrior couldn't stop thinking about her transformation. She planned it for years. She was now at a stone's throw from her goal. Was it because of that sudden proximity that she felt so feverish ?
- Historia, congratulations, said Reiner as he was coming towards her.
- Thank you, Reiner.
Surprisingly, Historia didn't hate Reiner despite his active role in her kidnapping. For the simple reason that he already hated himself. Contrary to the others, the young man knew the weight of its crimes. It was rare in this hostile land. And it was enough for Historia.
She remembered his hair-ripping the day he transformed. She remembered how he was almost crying each time he saw her walking in the ghetto alone at their return. Historia knew he was still a child when he got used by Marley. His life was actually ruined before Historia's one, made into a criminal's one.
For all those reasons, it was the person Historia felt the closest too on this whole continent.
- Things will change for you from now.
- I know, said Historia firmly. It's the point of being a warrior, isn't it ?
She was not looking at him.
- Will you be able to do it ? Asked Reiner. Will you be able to slaughter your childhood's people ?
- That life...is far away from me now, she explained as she was sliding a layer of hair behind her hear. It seems like a very, very long dream. You worry too much, Braun. Besides...it's not like if I have a choice, is it ?
- I...I wished you'd have it.
I am sorry, Historia.
Historia smiled. A real smile. Full of affection and sadness. Reiner's words were the first apologies she received today in this ocean of congratulations. She was grateful to him for that.
As she was seeing his tortured expression, and feeling her own lips grinning, Historia realized that this feverish impression of hers was not due to the excitation of applying her plan.
It was fear.
She didn't want to have all this weight on her shoulders. She wanted to be happy, to live a normal life, to have power over it. She didn't want to die prematurely. She felt disgusted at the idea of breading like a cow in order to have as much royal children as possible, like the militaries suggested it during reunions for months.
She would disobey to some orders, sure, but she would also have to wait a long time before being able to use the Founding's capacities at their full potential. Would she already be livestock when that would happen ? Would she already be totally dead inside ? Would any rebellion be useless after her being's annihilation ?
A shiver went through Historia's spine.
She realized, that she would die in 13 years.
She realized, that she would become a woman she never wanted to be. A woman she never dreamed of when she was a little girl.
She realized that even with her revenge succeeding, they would still be her puppeteers.
Tomorrow or yesterday, shifter or powerless, it didn't make any difference: they were burying her slowly and she could do nothing to stop them.
- Reiner, give me a cigarette. Now, she ordered brutally.
She wanted the smoke to fill her lungs so that she could have an excuse for her irregular breathing. She wanted the tobacco to suffocate her, just to convince herself her fear wasn't responsible for it.
- Hmm Historia...it's not really...my mom says girls shouldn't smoke because it's inappropriate so I don't know if...
Historia let her menacing and cold gaze do the job until Reiner handed one cigarette to her. Maybe he understood.
- Give me the whole pack, claimed Historia.
- What ?? But you have such pretty white teeth, imagine if it becomes yellow...deplored Reiner.
- I will eat people soon. This is not the most severe hygiene infraction I will commit.
- And it's a reason to racket my tobacco ? He replied, raising an eyebrow, his arms crossed.
- Yes ! Absolutely !
In a quick move, Historia took the whole pack from Reiner's coat pocket. He didn't protest as she disappeared in a small upstairs's cage, far from the agitation.
She lightened one cigarette and brought it to her mouth, letting the smoke invade her lungs. She coughed. It was like licking a tarmac's sidewalk. Wasn't this exactly what she searched ? This horrible taste embodying an horrible suffering ? Why didn't it bring her any comfort to hurt herself like this ?
Upset, she threw the pack on the floor and went upstairs.
She arrived on a roof. The sun was already setting, coloring the sky of pink and orange. Historia had always loved sunsets.
When they happened, she felt like time was stopping as the golden star was offering to earth its last moments of light. During a sunset, you could believe the sun would never disappear. You could believe things wouldn't change.
Somehow, sunsets gave enough hope to fight the night because it made you wonder, for a brief instant, if darkness could be pushed away. If you could win against it.
She needed to relax, to stop thinking, or at least to do it properly. Historia started to walk in the direction of the roof's wall, but she suddenly stopped. Someone was already sitting there.
A marleyan soldier. All Historia could see from him was his back, and a layer of brown hair falling on his shoulders. It was not very long, but it was still covering his ears.
She fumbled. She couldn't even get her sunset appreciation of the day: she would have to become a monster without enjoying her last dusk as a human girl. Even as a pathetic as she was now, she would have liked to fully be that person until the last seconds before being changed forever. She would give up on more than 13 years of life for that stupid world, and it would not even gift her a mere sunset in return.
But as she turned away, convinced of her unlucky nature, a voice rang out in the emptiness.
- Wait.
Historia looked at the soldier. She hoped it wasn't the one from this morning. Men could be so annoying, treating women as preys or puppies to tame.
But judging by his solid back, his voice and his slightly tanned skin, the stranger didn't seem at all like the aspergus-like guy from earlier. He was well built, like a trained soldier in first ligns.
As her eyes met his, her heart stopped its beat in her chest.
She suddenly felt as if she always knew those eyes, as if they were the sky that she looked at every day since her birth. An infinite sky that made her feel even more little, even more lost, and even more drunk with the hope that the world was infinite enough to offer her something which was not poisoned like a sinful apple. That she could fly away from the suffering she'd always knew.
The certitude that they were the key or her existence and salvation submerged her like a destructive wave. They were as green as the deep forests of Paradis, far different and far more beautiful than the brick city walls Historia had learned to know those last years. She felt like she could run towards those eyes, like she ran under trees as a child, to be comforted by their shadow.
- Are you Historia Reiss ?
Historia held her breath, wondering what just happened.
The man's marleyan uniform and his question suddenly made all of her bizarre impressions vanish: she was on her guards again, coming to her senses. The ground was hard under her boots.
How many time did she stare at this man, exactly ? She hoped it was only a matter of seconds. Otherwise, her position would become uncomfortable: she would be disadvantaged.
- Of course I am.
- I was looking forward to meet you, but it happened sooner than expected.
I will not disturb you longer. The place is all yours.
- Thank you, soldier. Your respect for marleyan's great nation and to the mission it gave me touches my heart.
- It's true that there is this legacy...with those of my lineage...to become marleyan soldiers at some point of their life, he admitted, strangely amused.
But what I said was not Marley's fact, miss Reiss. It was yours.
- What do you mean by that ?
- Let's just say that...something tells me tomorrow night will be tough.
A lurk shimmered in his green eyes, as he was looking at her. She would have sworn she'd seen a grin on his face but when she blinked, his expression was straight again, his eyes as calm as a forest's border during winter. For one second, the mischievous face she'd probably imagined had made her fascinated. It was ridiculous.
- You will have to eat someone, and you will give up on a long life, he pursued. You will also be used as a matrice for Marley.
Quite a busy schedule, uh ?
The ocean may comfort you for now, it's big enough to fulfill many people's hearts.
But will it be enough for yours ?
Historia wondered why everything should be so upsetting today.
- How is it any part of your concern, mister ? She retorted, her arms crossed on her chest. I will die proudly. As a soldier, you should know we have duties we must be loyal to. And that it's not a corvée.
- Well, let's say I quite know this whole circus. You are not the first shifter I meet, you know ? Many people gave up on their freedom before you. And many people hope to gain it again those days. Funny how, such a great power, can make you so vulnerable.
Historia wondered if the young man was trying to get fired. Maybe he was one of those arrogant boys from rich families, sent to the army for educational purposes. It was funny to think he was doing all he could to get fired. It was so funny that Historia didn't care about if it was true or not.
- You shouldn't talk like that about the devotion we express to our beloved nation. It's a free action of us. We can't be vulnerable to our own country's power.
- You are right. It's not careful to speak about those subjects. Especially for you, isn't it ? You are such a perfect warrior. It would be a shame to ruin that charming painting.
- What are you implying ?
- You, tell me, miss Reiss.
To show he wasn't attacking her, he raised his hands.
- I don't know what game you are playing, mister, but I am not fond of enigmas and I am even less fond of those vague speeches of yours.
- Would you prefer a more direct question, then ? He said, bending over towards her so that their faces could be at the same level.
- As long as the discussion ends quickly and that you leave the roof, I wouldn't mind it.
- What is your favorite moment of the day ?
Historia opened her mouth, then shut it.
- Is that a joke ? She shouted, her teeth grinning.
- Hey, I am extremely serious, actually ! I am just curious about it.
- Sunset. Can you leave now ? Sighed Historia, her breath moving a layer of her hair.
- Seems like I ruined your favorite moment of the day. I apologize, I guess.
- You guess ?!
- But shouldn't you return my question before we split ways ? My mother would have said it's impolite not to do so.
- Why are all men I talk with today acting as if their mothers' opinions were God's laws ?
- Aren't they ? Replied the soldier, raising an eyebrow in sincere perplexity.
- Yours, I don't know.
But I also had a mother. She was not such a lovely creature. She was quite useless, actually. And she didn't give me any law.
So, being a mother doesn't make you divine - you see ?
The man didn't say anything, Historia wasn't willing to look at his face.
- Anyway, what is your favorite moment of the day, since I am greatly interested about your answer ? She finally asked with a lazy ton that implied the contrary.
The man seemed quite disturbed by her response. Historia hoped he would not say anything about it. She didn't even understand herself: why didn't she simply shut her mouth ? Why was she telling to that clear menace what made her weak ?
Fake weakness could be a protection, making you seem less dangerous than you really were, but a true one was a wrong move.
It was like mistaking a queen for a pawn on a chessboard.
Fortunately, the surprise disappeared from the soldier's face: he seemed intimidated by her sudden question. Historia rejoiced herself: she turned tables and he was now the one being disadvantaged.
He scratched his neck in a timid manner and crossed his legs, his eyes looking at something invisible in the sky. Historia surprised a little blush on his tanned face.
And without knowing why, she smiled.
This guy was annoying and his enigmatic personality made him an obvious threat, but he was quite funny. And unpredictable. He went from a wolf to a cute dog.
Without even having her noticing it, her pressure vanished.
This guy was better than cigarettes.
- Dawn, he muttered.
Light after darkness. Novelty. Rebirth. And most of all...hope.
Historia gasped.
Hope.
Again, she lost herself in the man's green eyes.
How could he like dawn for the same reason than she loved sunset ? Weren't they opposites ? Historia always had wanted to witness an eclipse.
Had she finally be thrown in the heart of this desired dream right now ? Just like that ? What were the odds for such a strange meeting to occur ? Did they even exist in the first place ?
It made no sense...how alike they thought.
- It was nice meeting you, he said, saluting her by taking off his hat, I look forward to our next encouter. Something tells me it will happen soon. And...you might like it. Or hate it. It's hard to know what you think, to be honest.
- At least, you are not overconfident. It's a good start.
- Well then, see you later, miss Reiss.
- See you later, roof's weirdo.
As the stranger disappeared downstairs, Historia looked at the sky: it was already of ink's color.
But she wasn't distressed anymore by the thought of missing sunset. Because this time, she knew dawn would come, with a whole new message for her.
~*~
The ceremony always took place at noon, when the sun was shining its brightest. The message this tradition conveyed was obvious:
« Our nation is shimmering just as the sun you see above your heads, and thanks to the titan power, it will be like this forever. We won't be swallowed by the dark. Light will always be ours. »
Historia couldn't prevent but think something else: the sun, with its insufferable heat and its perpetual solar explosions, was simply showing itself to remember to the sacrificed warriors, that this power they would be given would consume their life from their insides to their skins, just like the sun's light would make it explode one day.
Now that Historia was officially appointed as a warrior, and was ready to receive her blessing, a parade had been organized.
The streets were flooded by a massive crowd.
Food was everywhere to be found, and artists from the whole empire: dancers, acrobats and even fire-eaters, performed cheerfully in the streets. The sun bathed this lively show, making the vivid colors of makeups and festive banners joyfully blinding.
Even in the ghetto, where the celebrations were less spectacular, clowns and animations made the street brighter in its dirt.
Historia had left her appartement early in the morning, before any festival installation had been set up, and had headed to the highest place of the ghetto, the roof of a crumbling tower that no one dared to wander in.
She wanted to see the first dawn of her new life.
So she just sat there, waiting in darkness, shivering.
She hated being alone. And this black hole encircling her, was a painful reminder of her loneliness.
Finally, the dawn made its entry. It was subdued yet mighty, marvelous in its simplicity.
It looked like a miracle.
As the sun slowly started its rise, the night stepped back to finally disappear, running away from this dazzling king the universe created to balance her. How could one star break an infinite obscurity ? Historia blinked while the wind messed up her bun, freeing wavy strands of golden hair like the fly of a bird made its feathers fall as he was rising above.
She was captured by the thought the soldier's eyes made her feel the exact same way than she felt now, and she imagined the grey reflexions hidden in the brilliant emerald irises, like metallic constellations in the middle of a dashing galaxy.
She loved sunset because it made her hope that darkness could fail to take over the world.
He loved dawn because it made him believe that even the longest and strongest stygian night could be killed by a raging fire.
Dusk and Dawn could make the world's adversity kneel before them.
She stopped fearing sinking into that black realm. Because nothing in this world, from her enemies to heavenly bodies above her head, was blessed with immortality. Not even this cruel empire, always hungry for more power, sole instigator of a never ending carnage.
When Historia got back to the ghetto after her getaway, the preparations for the celebration advanced: everything was finished and despite the early hour, everyone was already enjoying themselves in the streets.
Historia prevented herself to vomit when she saw the government's official stand, trying to recruit children as warrior candidates.
She didn't want them to suffer how she had suffered herself. She wanted them to own their lives. And happy ones.
She hoped for something else.
The tranquille dream of a joyful orphanage established in the farm she spent her childhood in, wandered often in her thoughts. Maybe she could have taught those children how to ride a horse. She liked horses. Maybe they would have liked them too.
When she entered the horse-riden varnished black carriage at noon, heading to the place of her rebirth, she was still thinking about horses, Paradis, children and the stunning power of sunlight.
She would get all of them back.
Everything would be hers.