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Five days had passed.
Five agonisingly painful days.
Seconds felt like hours, days felt like years.
Nothing could prepare me for this heartbreak, feeling completely and utterly helpless. There was nothing I could do to speed up this process and that made me feel pathetic, I needed to do something. Anything to save Cleo from slipping into an unconsciousness forever.
But I couldn't. I couldn't do a single thing but sit here and wait for the clock to tick by.
I had chewed down on the skin around my fingers, stared endlessly at the wall as a thousand thoughts filter through my mind. My eyes had ran dry, my body was too dehydrated to even cry.
These last few days have been hell.
My body refused to sleep, my stomach refused to digest any food and my heart started to lose hope.
Nella said a couple days, yet it had been five whole days and my world had begun to crumble. Realisation settling in, no matter how many times the pack told me to trust Nella's powers and believe in Cleo's strength. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew she wasn't coming back.
I was in a nightmare, surely this was a nightmare and someone was going to wake me up any second.
But when I stared at myself in the mirror, watching the thick circles under my eyes develop and my skin begin to pale. Even my wolf was accepting the idea of never being able to be with her again.
His strength was deteriorating, wanting to be with our mate and look after her, cherish her and love her. Oh how I wished I had made the most of the time I actually had with her, regardless of the fact I had no idea she was my mate.
She still turned my world into a new dimension, every second with her was exciting and thrilling. She allowed me to open up, to finally be honest with myself, to talk about my struggles even though I hated anyone seeing me weak. But she made me so weak.
Of course she did, she was my weakness. And yet I still couldn't put two and two together, I was blind to everything that was directly in front of me.
That brave, courageous and damn right breathtaking woman was all mine.
The things I would do to hold her and tell her everything I never got the chance to say.
How can time be your worst enemy?
The four walls inside my office felt like they had somehow closed in on me, making the space feel smaller and my breathing becoming tighter. I had completely isolated myself from the pack and ignored their kind gestures to make sure I was okay.
But I didn't want to be with anyone but Cleo, I didn't want their homemade soup or their request for a group walk. I just wanted to be alone until I was with her but every second that ticked by was destroying my soul.
Clenching my fists that were resting against my wooden desk, staring ahead at the door as my chest heaves aggressively.
They kept it from me. They kept their secret from all of us and now I have to suffer.
Nella knew exactly what was going to happen and yet she still had the audacity to go along with it without telling anyone? I bet Mace even knew and yet I felt like the one who was kept in the dark. Like my opinion didn't matter.
A small growl releases from my chest, blood rushing around my body and heating up my face as I think about the fact I was cheated. Cheated out of their mission.
Without a second thought, I stand from my desk. The chair beneath me falling to the floor with a loud thud, my eyes hooded over as I darted directly for my office door. I wasn't thinking but who would be after losing their soulmate?
I storm down the hall, walking towards the kitchen where I could hear chatter. Pressing my hand to the pantry door and pushing my way in, Nella, Mace and Alfie were sitting around the kitchen table.
All of their gazes land on me, their faces dropping instantly. "Kassian," Nella says as she stands from her chair.
My eye twitches towards her, fists balling at my sides as Mace clears his throat. "How are you doing man?"
"Can we get you anything or do anything?" Alfie offers.
I flick my eyes between the three of them. "How am I doing?" I repeat as my throat clenches.
Mace's expression tenses for a moment before he shakes his head. "I didn't mean it like that, we just want to make sure that you're okay." He says quietly.
"You think that I'm okay?" My tone rises.
Nella flinches at my tone but recovers instantly. "We just want to be there for you Kassian, that's all. Whatever you need."
"I don't need your shit!" I growl out suddenly, taking quick steps towards Nella. "I've lost my mate because of you! You've taken her from me because you wanted to be fucking selfish and think about yourself!"
My finger points towards her as she backs into the table, Mace stands instantly and steps between us. "That's enough," Mace snaps, pushing my hand away. "Do not take this out on her."
A deep fury burned inside of my stomach at his words. "Don't take it out on her?" I laugh dryly. "It's her fucking fault that we're in this situation, because you decided to keep this dirty fucking secret between yourselves. What about the rest of us?!"
Nella jumps at the harshness of my voice, tears escaping her eyes as she continues to create space between us. Mace pushes my shoulder and shakes his head. "Back the hell up," he spits at me. "You don't get to talk to her like that."
My jaw clenches as I flick my eyes from Nella and back to Mace. "Fuck," I say suddenly. "You knew? You fucking knew didn't you?"
"No," Mace states instantly. "I had no idea this was going to happen. But by what Nella has been telling me, this was the only way out for her. Even if you wanted to save her Kassian, you couldn't."
"I am sorry Kassian," Nella mumbles from behind Mace. "I never wanted you to get hurt, or anyone to get hurt. But you have no idea how much pain Cleo was in. If we didn't get the locket made, if Pandora died for whatever reason. Cleo would have too and she would never come back."
"But she's not even come back yet, Nella!" My throat clenches at the strength of my voice. "Fuck, fuck. She's gone. She's fucking gone."
Mace releases a sigh in front of me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "Don't give up," he mumbles into my ear. "I know you're angry and you're upset. Heartbroken even, but do not give up. There is still time."
My body collapses into Mace's, his weight supporting mine as my eyes release a fresh batch of tears. The first time I had cried in a couple of days, my tiredness and immune system not allowing me to express my real emotions.
His hand brushes up and down my back gently, his arms holding me tightly against his body. "Please don't be mad at Nella," he tells me after a few moments. "She did this to help Cleo, and she didn't even want to do it in the first place. But she did it because she wanted to be a good friend to her, to help her with her problems. Don't be mad at her."
I pull away from Mace and begin to wipe my eyes, avoiding my gaze with anyone. Taking a step back and clearing my throat. "I'll be in my office," I grumble.
"No," Alfie says as he stands from the table and loops around the chairs to stand with his brother. "Stop trying to push us away, you shouldn't be alone. It's not going to do anything for your mental health, for your optimism. You need us right now."
"He's right," Mace agrees instantly. "We don't have to talk about what happened, or what's going to happen or about Cleo at all. We can play some stupid board games or watch a movie, go for a walk? Keep you busy so you're not wasting away in your own mind."
"I won't be good company," I shake my head, feeling my throat crack from the dryness. "I don't want to bring you guys down. You'll be better without me right now."
"We don't care," Alfie tells me sternly. "We want to support you, spend time with you. Try and take your mind off all of this before you lose your mind completely."
"But what if I want to talk about her?" I question as I raise my eyes up to them both. "You said I don't have to talk about Cleo, but what if I want to?"
Mace takes one look at Alfie before smiling. "Then talk about her, if it's going to make you feel better."
"You've been locked in your office for days," Alfie grips my shoulder gently. "I'm sure there are a lot of things you want to say, to express yourself. Be honest with yourself. Talk about them, talk about her."
"We can talk about her, if you'd like to?" Nella says as she steps out from behind Mace, her hands now laced together in front of her tightly.
Tears were still evident on her cheeks and I instantly felt guilty, she didn't deserve what I just said. Thinking that I can be the only one who can grovel.
I nod slowly. "I'd like that," I admit.
"We'll give you some space," Mace says as he takes a step backwards, allowing Nella into the conversation. "I'll go check on Arlo and I'll be back in a bit?"
"Sure," Nella offers Mace a small smile.
Alfie follows Mace's lead and exits the kitchen, shutting the door gently behind them.
Nella clears her throat and walks towards the kettle. "Would you like a coffee?" She offers as she pulls at the arms on her cardigan.
I chew down on my lip, my body feeling like it weighed tonnes. "Yes," I say after a few moments. "Thank you."
She carefully fills up the kettle with water before flicking it on, I perch on the chair that Mace was previously sitting on and stare out the window. The weather was looking gloomy, representing how I was feeling inside.
A deep sigh leaves my lips as I look down to my lap, listening as Nella makes us our hot drinks. Within a few minutes she places down a mug in front of me, I force a smile as she sits beside me. Clutching the warm cup between her hands as she looks at me sheepishly.
"I'm not going to shout at you," I tell her.
She nods and purses her lips. "I get that you're upset. You probably feel betrayed but this was the only way out. If we told you or we told Hope, it might have delayed the mission, distracted us. Then resulted in Hope's seizures killing her. Cleo was thinking about everyone else her mother had wronged, she put herself last."
"I wished she didn't," I admit as I close my eyes tightly. "I wished she thought about herself. Things might have turned out differently."
"Maybe," Nella nods. "But this is the situation we're in now. I know I said to you a couple days but Diamond said it can take as long as a week. The curse was surely a powerful one, meaning more magic is needed to break through. We still have time, Kassian, don't give up on her yet."
"I just wish that she had told me," I breathe out slowly. "Or that you had somehow slipped the secret by accident."
"Well I had a fair few breakdowns along the way, at first I didn't want to do it at all. The idea had me up at night, my anxiety was through the roof," she says as she raises her mug to her lips. "But when I saw the pain in Cleo's eyes, when I realised how much this meant to her. To finally be able to live without the curse, I couldn't say no. I wanted to help her in any way I could."
My heart clenches at her words.
"I just wanted her to be happy," Nella says after a few moments.
"That's all I want too."
Her lips curve into a heartwarming smile. "You know how stubborn and persuasive she is though," she tells me. "She sure knew how to drag me into this idea, her qualities are so strong. I really look up to her because of her strength and ability to do life, even with that curse."
"She is amazing," I say honestly. "She is the strongest wolf I know, after all that shit she went through. To still come out the other end. Her persistence really benefited the pack, she puts me to shame as a leader."
Nella cracks a smile. "Now I never thought I'd hear you say that," she says with a soft laugh.
"It's true," I nod, finding myself not being able to stop talking. "I told her before that she could run her own pack. She has the abilities and characteristics to become her own Alpha."
"She'd be a great leader and Alpha, but now she's your Luna, our Luna." Nella leans forward to grip my wrist softly.
"She will be the most amazing Luna," I say in agreement. "I remember one time she told me that before the curse she was actually shy and reserved. For some reason I just couldn't believe it. She said that the curse has finally made her realise who she wanted to be. A strong female wolf."
"Cleo, shy?" Nella gasps jokily. "Now those two words should never be in a sentence."
A small laugh passes my lips. "That's what I thought when she told me," I nod slowly. "Confident Cleo more like."
Nella keeps her hand on mine as she squeezes softly. Tears unexpectedly gathered in my eyes again, talking about her made it feel like she was still here. That she was still completely fresh in our memories and she wasn't going anywhere any time soon.
A hand rises to wipe away my tears. "Do not give up," Nella says each word slowly. "Cleo wouldn't give up on you or me or any of us. She'd keep fighting in her mind, remaining strong, remaining optimistic."
"I know," I whisper in agreement. "I just want her here now. I can't bear another night alone, without her. She should be here in my arms, not laying down in the basement. Cold and by herself. That fucking destroys me Nella."
Her lips begin to tremble, tears slipping down her freckled cheek. "You'll be holding her again soon, I promise." She quickly wipes her face.
My eyes float up to hers, my vision slightly blurry. "Okay," I sigh slowly, accepting her promises.
"Why don't you come for a walk with Mace and I? We can bring Arlo. Hope and Alfie can tag along too? It might do you good getting out and getting some fresh air." She suggests as he pulls back her hands.
I take in her offer and rub my fists into my swollen eyes. "For a little bit," I mumble.
"Okay," Nella nods eagerly. "Sounds good to me. Get some blood pumping around your body."
She stands from the table, her chair scraping against the floor. "Finish your coffee and we can go," she smiles as she takes her own mug to the sink.
My eyes watch her carefully before glancing down at the cup of coffee in front of me, taking a large sip. The liquid was now cold but I didn't mind, in fact it was the last of my worries.
I relax into the chair and release a silent sigh. I had a great support group around me and I knew I needed to appreciate them but it was proving difficult when all you wanted was your mate and no one else.
. . .
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Owwww my heart is breaking for Kassian
Don't you love getting inside his head? I am so here for his POV and I hope you're enjoying it too!
His anger, his sadness, his devastation man this almost made me tear up and I love how Nella is patient with him
What do you think is going to happen next?
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Just FYI I'm planning for this book to have like 65 chapters so there is still a lot of the story to go... oooopsie. Hope you're all excited!
See you all on the next one, love Sav x
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