a/n: Hey guys, I'm back to bring you another chapter. I would also like to announce that we're officially halfway through the book! Yay! All that being said, I hope you like this chapter and have a great rest of your week.
Before Kayden knew it, winter break was almost over. It felt like it had flown by. He'd spent so much of it just hanging out with Connor, playing video games, and eating store-bought sugar cookies. He couldn't believe the year was almost over. It felt like everything had changed in twelve months. His life was completely different than what he thought it would look like a year ago. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, but in a way, it unsettled him to think about the passage of time. Every year felt a little bit smaller than the last one and he didn't know how to come to peace with that.
Now he was standing in a crowded room, a red solo cup of red bull in his hand, and he didn't know who to talk to. It was his mother's party, she invited everyone, so Kayden didn't really have any friends. He'd called Connor two hours ago to ask him to come over, but he had his own plans with family so he told Kayden he'd come when he got the chance. The redhead had said it was fine even though, in reality, he was dreading the thought of standing around for hours with a new sense of hopelessness knowing it would still be a while until his friend got there.
He still wasn't exactly on speaking terms with his mother, but she seemed to have accepted that. They'd fallen into a routine of doing things without talking to each other. He'd carry out responsibilities before they were asked of him, she'd leave notes for him instead of trying to engage in a conversation, and they'd all sit down to silent dinners at night. It was kind of nice not having to hear his mother's voice so much throughout the day, and she'd stopped expecting him to answer when she called upstairs for him. Maybe he'd never start talking to her again, he liked the idea of that. She could control where he lived, who he lived with, and where he went to school, but he could make for damn sure that she'd never hear his voice again and he knew it got under her skin that she couldn't make him her puppet.
He was just starting to lose hope in his best friend making an appearance at all when he saw the front door open and in walk Connor with his multicolored hair, black painted nails, and chain earrings. Kayden had always admired how he wore whatever the fuck he wanted and didn't seem to care if someone had something to say about it. Namely, Kayden's mother, who was giving Connor a side-glare from across the room.
"Hey, man, how's it going?" Connor asked when he reached Kayden and the redhead groaned.
"Please tell me you brought booze," Kayden said and Connor chuckled.
"I've got enough to last us the night." He said with a grin. "Got somewhere to drink it?"
"Yeah, we can get on the roof from my room." The redhead said with a smile, nodding his head to the stairs before he made his way up to the second floor and into his room. He closed the door before he opened the window.
Once they were on the roof and both boys had gotten into a somewhat safe-feeling sitting position, Connor pulled out his flask and dumped a bit into Kayden's cup, taking a sip of it after. Kayden didn't know how he hid it, but he somehow managed to bring a bottle of vodka and three other flasks of whiskey.
"Nice weather we're having," Connor said in a dry tone after a long moment of silence and Kayden almost choked on his drink as he snorted.
"Yeah, can't get much better than hail and freezing rain 7 days a week. At least in Rosewater, it snows, or at least I've heard it does, just not 'til like, mid-January apparently. Lakeview's so fucking cold and we hardly even get snow here, what the fuck kind of tradeoff is that? Winter comes too soon and stays too long but never does its job either way." Kayden said, finishing his sip.
"Yeah, I'm getting out of here the second I graduate," Connor said, knocking the flask back.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm thinking Arizona, I've got an uncle living there and he runs an auto repair shop, said he'd teach me the trade and give me a job if I can commit to it."
"Shit, that's not a bad deal," Kayden said. "My mom wants me going to Yale. It's only a few hours away, but it just sounds like such a bullshit waste of money."
"I say if you can get in you should go, you know how many people wish they could fucking go to Yale? I bet with your stepdad's money you could go anywhere. You want to study Psych anyway, right?"
"Well yeah, but still-"
"Listen, Kay, you're doing it on that asshole's dime, so go ahead and waste his money, but don't just let something like that go down the drain. If you graduate from Yale you could work anywhere."
"Yeah, I guess..." Kayden said, taking the last sip of his drink. "Can we talk about something else?"
"Yeah...you wanna smoke first?" Connor asked, holding up a joint, and Kayden grinned.
"Always."
---
Two hours later, the boys were still on the roof, though significantly quieter as they lay staring up at the stars, exchanging words every now and then.
"It's five minutes 'til midnight," Connor said after a silence that had stretched on into a comfortable infinity. There were several infinities between each silence it seemed, but it wasn't painful or lonely like it might be with anyone else.
"Life is really fucking short," Kayden said softly.
"Yeah, you only live 'til like ninety if you don't die early and that's if you're lucky," Connor said and Kayden glanced at him for a long moment before he looked back up at the stars.
"I think I'm gay."
"...And?"
"No, there's no and, I just thought you should know," Kayden said, scratching the back of his neck as he sat up a bit.
"You already told me," Connor said and Kayden stopped, trying to remember if he had or not.
"Oh...when?"
"Like two years ago, I think it was at Katie Douglass' party. You were really drunk and getting all sentimental and shit, and then you told me you were into guys and had a crush on Hayden Caddel."
"I told you I had a crush on Hayden?"
"Well, yeah. It's no biggie, dude. You didn't seem to remember it in the morning so I figured I wouldn't bring it up and I'd let you tell me for real when you were ready." Connor said.
Kayden sighed, "Well, I guess I had nothing to worry about."
"You wanna kiss or something? There'll be fireworks." Connor asked with a grin and the redhead laughed quietly.
"Sure, I mean, if you want," Kayden shrugged. "I didn't think you were into guys."
"I'm not really, but it's just a kiss, and why the hell not? It's New Year's. It's not like it means anything."
"Does anything really mean anything?" Kayden asked and Connor thought for a moment before he shrugged.
"I don't know, but I don't think it's gay to kiss your friends, so fuck it."
"Yeah, okay," Kayden said finally, but the brunet had a moment of pause.
"Wait, so who's like...the girl in this situation?" He asked and Kayden snorted.
"Neither of us?"
"Dude, you know what I mean-"
"Oh my god, Connor, just-" The redhead let out a quiet huff before he pulled him closer by the collar of his shirt and kissed him, his lips slowly starting to move against his friend's. There really were fireworks, Kayden could hear them off in the background. It wasn't a bad kiss, it was a bit gentler than Kayden was used to, though it didn't last too long. Connor pulled away after thirty seconds or so, a little smile on his face.
"So cross that off the bucket list I guess," Connor murmured and Kayden laughed once more.
"Is it any different than kissing a girl?"
"Not really...maybe a bit drier, you should put on chapstick next time," Connor said with a chuckle and Kayden snickered, elbowing him.
There was a knock on the window and Kayden looked back, expecting it to be his mom, but he was surprised to see his stepsister.
"Hey, what's up?" He asked when he opened the window. Despite her being a spawn of Greg, in Kayden's opinion, Annabelle was okay. She was somewhat pale with a permanent-seeming blush on her cheeks, freckles scattered over her nose, and an untamed mop of bouncy brown curls atop her head. She was pretty for a girl which was probably why Connor had a habit of staring at her every now and again.
"Your mom told me to find you and tell you to say goodbye to the relatives," She said as she crawled out onto the roof.
"I already wrote a note last week, if she wants me doing anything she's gotta write it down, I don't take messengers." He said with a shrug, she laughed quietly.
"You're so petty."
"Really? I think I'm being entirely reasonable," Kayden grinned.
The three of them didn't leave the roof until just after two in the morning when Connor's mom called to tell him to come home and Annabelle decided to go off to bed because she was getting tired. It took another hour for Kayden to leave the roof, deciding that he should probably get a shower and go to bed too.
As he sat on the floor of the shower, his legs pulled up to his chest, staring at the wall, his thoughts drifted back to the one person he was trying to forget. He wondered what he'd done for New Year's, what his resolutions were, if he was still awake. Maybe he should call him. No, that's definitely a terrible idea, nobody likes receiving phone calls at three in the morning.
Which is why five minutes later he definitely was not sitting on his bed in a towel staring at Elias' contact, his thumb hovering over the call button. He decided not to press it, he was going to shut his phone off for the night and sleep off his drunken state, but somehow he was listening to the dial tone, holding it against his ear.
"...Kayden?" He swore it must have been the most beautiful and familiar sound he'd ever heard, even though it sounded tired and slightly annoyed.
"Happy New Year," He said quietly.
"You couldn't have called to say that three hours ago?" The blond's voice asked.
"Well, you see, I would have called you then, but I just had so many people on the list of people t-to call to wish happy new years to...y'know, you were just pretty far down, um...on it, but I still wanted to call anyway."
"Are you drunk?"
"What? Psh, nah- just...I mean, maybe just a little.."
"Do me a favor, go get yourself a glass of water and then go to sleep,"
"Wait, b-but I wanted t' tell you something first-"
"What?"
"Okay...but you can't tell a-anyone um...cause it's a secret-"
"Hm?"
"Promise,"
"Okay, I promise."
"Pinky swear-"
"Kayden, I can't pinky swear you, I'm in Maine."
"...I didn't know you lived in M-Maine."
"I had no reason to mention it."
"So like...lobsters," Kayden said and he heard a quiet laugh through the phone.
"What did you want to tell me?"
"I miss you."
There was a long silence that followed, not an entirely comfortable one, but Kayden wasn't sure what was uncomfortable about it, he just knew he felt like he'd done something terrible and irreversible, but at the same time, he was more scared that nothing would happen, nothing would change.
"It's late, you should get some sleep."
"...I know."
"And you'll get yourself that water?"
"Yeah."
"Good. I'll see you Monday then."
"Mhm...goodnight."
"Goodnight, Kayden."
Kayden let out a soft sigh as he heard the phone click. He wished he hadn't called, he felt empty, but not the numb kind of empty, like he was being carved out and he could feel everything and he wished he hadn't said it because it was just so stupid of him and he was so stupid to think...what did he think? That Elias would say it back?
He got dressed and drank a glass of water in the quiet of a kitchen he barely knew, owned by a man he also barely knew, who was owned by a woman he occasionally called his mother. He realized there were very few things he understood, but one of them was that he missed Elias, and he felt empty because of it, and maybe that's why he told him.