Our honeymoon in our home is now over, and we are back to our normal schedules. It's our second day since it ended and I had to work overnight, so I haven't been able to see Joe since he dropped me off.
"This is hard."
It hasn't even been an entire day since I've seen him, but I'm missing him terribly. I feel like I would rather stay with him at home than go to work.
I clock out of my shift, tired. It's not just that I'm tired from the ten hours of work, but I also found myself not enjoying it. A job is a job, and I am grateful for it, but spending a week and a half with Joe made me yearn even more for that other desire of mine. I sigh before heading to the parking lot. It's nice that he's supporting my dream, but having worked for a good portion of my life, it almost feels like a desire I shouldn't follow. But Lord knows that I want to.
I dwell on that as I continue. Outside, I pull up the hood of my jacket, feeling the wind as it zooms past. It's now late November and Minnesota has been preparing for winter since the fall.
"Like usual," I murmur. A few coworkers rush past and we greet one another. I'll be back here again tomorrow. The thought settles like a stone, sinking down somewhere within me. My steps slow until I come to a complete stop just a few feet from my car.
I don't want to be here.
I blink with the thought, wanting to immediately chastise myself, but I can't bring myself to. It's true-I don't want to be here. I want to take care of my family and be at home with them. I want to raise up a new generation and teach them about Christ. I want to welcome Joe when he comes home from work and make our home inviting. I want to be there for my own family in a way that I can't completely do now. I want this much more than I want this job, and I have a husband who is encouraging me to go in this direction.
So why am I struggling with taking the next step? Why am I still here?
It's not an issue of finances; the Lord knows that Nova and Ty are set. Aside from the scholarships, Lance and I had made a bank account and set things up for them before I was even pregnant. Even after he passed, I continued setting aside money in that account. Money isn't an issue, and that is a blessing. What would have been the largest worry has already been taken care of. What am I waiting on?
I frown, recalling that I'm still thinking as if I'm on my own, but now Joe is here to support me as well. I struggle with the idea of relying on him as a provider, financially speaking, but he's made it clear that he doesn't have any problems with providing.
I suppose, at the end of the day, it's just my mindset that I need to fix. Joe is surely helping me realize that I'm not on my own anymore and I don't have to operate as if I am.
As I stand outside in the cold, this realization dawns on me in a way it never has before. I smile as joy goes through me. I'm not on my own. I knew this before, but it's hitting me differently now. The Lord has blessed me with a man who is more than willing to walk with me on this journey, and he's willing to support me with this desire of mine. I look back at the hospital and smile, ready to finally quit. It's been a good run, but it's time for something new.
I turn back and make the last few steps to my car, hopping in feeling much better than when I came in to work. But while I'm driving home, I chide myself. I've never truly been on my own; the Lord has been with me every step of the way, guiding me and protecting me. It's just that there were times I felt that way because I couldn't see Him, but I thank God that reality is not dependent on feelings. The Lord has always been with me, and He has never left me, nor forsaken me.
My smile only gets wider as that joy just continues coursing through me. Although there's been downs in this life, I still thank God. Even though there have been hardships, I still believe He is good. It's in those tough times that our faith, and love, really gets tested. In those moments, we become refined like a metal, having the chance to come out better than when we went in. I thank God that I came out still looking to Him.
I turn on my radio and sing along, feeling such freedom. God is good. While I'm thinking this, my phone rings. I glance at it for a second and my face lights up as I see that it's Joe.
"Joe," I say, and he laughs, hearing the excitement in my voice.
"Gracie, how are you, love?"
"I'm doing great."
"That's good. Was work that good?" he jokes, and I laugh freely.
"Oh no. I'm quitting."
"Quitting?"
"Yes."
"Oh my word." He laughs again. "No wonder you sound so happy. When did you decide this?"
"Just a few minutes ago. You would not believe-I know that you have already encouraged me to do what was laid on my heart, but it really just hit me as I was walking to the car."
"Did it now?"
"Yes. I've been holding on to this so tightly that it was just hard to let go, but now . . ." I sigh happily. "I don't even want to hang on any longer."
He's silent for a moment before he speaks again.
"Did you just get off work, Grace?"
"Yes. Were you heading to work this evening?"
"Yeah, but I want to see you before then. I've been missing you something fierce. Do you want to swing by the house?"
"Of course. I've been missing you as well, and to be honest, I didn't like the time spent apart."
"Neither did I. And I'd especially like to see you and congratulate you with a kiss after this news of yours."
I laugh this time. "I'd love that," I respond, and he hums his approval.
"Are the kids coming back home today?"
"Yes." I'm so excited to see them-I haven't seen them this entire time and I miss them. Sure, we've called one another every day, but that's nothing like talking to them face to face. "I miss them," I admit.
"So do I. I'd like us to do a family road trip actually."
"Family road trip?" I echo.
"Yeah. That's my want, but I wanted all of us to discuss it together as a family and see if that's something we'd be interested in. Otherwise we could do something else."
As a family. Family. My chest warms at his words.
"We can talk about it once they return, and once you get back from work, my dear. I would love to do anything as a family."
"Sounds like a plan then. I'm glad you're alright with that."
"Of course," I say. "Besides, I will be much more available now."
"Look at you, Gracie. It almost sounds like you quit today," he responds, a smile in his voice. I pause at his words, thinking them over.
"Should I have?"
Joe laughs loudly.
"Grace, when were you trying to leave?"
"As soon as possible."
"I can tell. Let's talk about this some more once you get home."
Home, that's where I want to be.
"Alright."
"Alright. I'll be there in a few minutes. So I'll see you then?"
"Well . . . yes."
"Did you want to stay on the phone until you get there?" he asks, hearing the pause in my voice.
"Yes, I'd like that."
"Alright. You can always let me know what you want, Grace. I'll hear you out," he says gently. I smile at his words.
"I know . . . I'm still getting used to this, but I know. Thank you, Joseph."
"I should thank you, love. Your life in mine is a blessing."
And there he goes again being so sweet. I sigh with delight, feeling loved.
"And you are a blessing to me." Such a blessing.
We talk the rest of my drive, discussing the small things as well as the big ones. Joe listens to me intently, and I listen to him. I'm glad he called, and I cannot wait to see him.
I pull up to our home, parking beside his car, and hop out, still on the phone with him.
"I hope it's not too cold for you out there," he says as I approach the front door.
"It's cold, but I don't mind."
"Really? My African-to-the-core wife doesn't mind the cold?"
His words make me laugh, reminding me that a few days ago I said that I was African to my bones. I don't even remember what I was referring to.
"Just for now, no," I say, getting to the door.
"And why is that?" he asks, and the door swings open to reveal him. My breath catches for a moment at the sight of him, and it's as if I haven't seen him for the longest time. I take him in, and he watches me intently. He's got on sweatpants that sit low on his waist and a short-sleeved shirt that compliments him in all sorts of ways. But along with that, he's got that dazzling smile and those charming crow's feet at the corners of his eyes.
"Why is that, Gracie?" he repeats, his voice lowering. I blink, recalling his question.
"Because I've got someone waiting for me. So . . . I don't mind the cold at all." His smile slowly falls at my words, and he brings a hand to my waist, bringing me inside and shutting and locking the door. We both hang up our phones; I place mine into the back pocket of my pants and he slips his into a front pocket of his sweats.
That familiar, serious expression comes over his face. Or maybe a better way to describe it would be intense: his eyebrows get scrunched up like he's focused, and his eyes look into me and make me feel like he sees just about everything. He looks like he wants to see everything and wants me to let down my walls and lay everything bare before him. That look always has me feeling vulnerable-but not only that, it has me feeling my vulnerability is welcomed.
"Let's get you warmed up then," he says, and I nod, not having anything to say. This isn't the time for words anyways. Joe helps me out of my jacket, his actions tender even in the heat of the moment. His eyes don't leave mine as he takes my purse from me, setting it down somewhere, along with my jacket.
His jaw works before he picks me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist.
"I don't think I finished our little tour from that day, Grace."
"No?" I ask.
"No, there's somewhere else I wanted to show you," he says suggestively. My mouth turns up at his words.
"I'd like to see it. I'll go wherever you are, Joseph, if the Lord wills it."
He blinks at my words, taken aback for a moment, and then his brow furrows further. He begins to walk, and I'm surprised as he goes upstairs.
"Joe?" I question.
"I'm gonna take my time with you and treat you real nice, Gracie."
Anticipation rises within me, and I smile. I see. We're heading to the bedroom then.
"And if the Lord wills it, I'll go wherever you are too, Grace. I'll always be right by your side, if I can help it. You're my lady and I'll take care of you."
There he goes with his words again. My eyes brim and I laugh lightly to keep from crying.
"Joe-"
"I'm here for you. I can't be here for you anywhere like the Lord, but I can still do what He enables me to do. So I'll treat you with love and respect. I don't want you to ever want while I'm here."
Oh my. My mouth quivers and his words touch me. I wasn't planning on crying, but if he continues, I will. He opens his mouth again, not done, but I gently place my hand over it.
"Grace," he mumbles.
"I know." I know how much he loves me. I know how much he cares for me. He nods, and I remove my hand. He arrives in the bedroom and my eyes stay on him as he shuts the door. He lets me down slowly, being gentle with me. I watch as he gets to work on his clothes before approaching me, and I start to do the same to mine, but he stops me.
"Let me take care of you," he says.
"Oh, it's-" I stop myself, noticing how I automatically refuse, wanting to handle something as simple as getting undressed myself. But then I nod, allowing him to do it for me. I don't know what it is, but the act is so intimate. Maybe it's because he takes his time and is so tender, maybe it's because of the way he looks at me. It's likely both.
And Joe really took care of me. He certainly did take his time and I was left speechless. He hits it out of the park each time, but this time was different, in a very good way.
We both get settled down together after I come back from the bathroom and we just simply enjoy one another's presence in silence before falling asleep together. My phone ringing wakes both of us up.
"Grace." Joe murmurs, handing my phone to me. I lift my head from his chest with a frown, wondering who it could be. But my mouth turns up as I see that it's Nova.
"My dear, how are you?"
"Mama!"
I wince lightly, pulling the phone away from my ear at her shout.
"Yes?"
"I thought you would be home already. Where are you? Are you okay?" Her voice is loud enough for Joe to hear, and he chuckles, running his hand along my back.
"Yes, I'm with Joe actual-"
"Oh." She laughs all of a sudden. "I see, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything."
Normally I would be flustered and deny what she seems to be insinuating, but I don't.
"It's alright, we just woke up," I say, and there's a long pause before she speaks again.
"You're really changing, Mama. I love it. But I also don't want to picture anything, so I'm going to hang up and leave the two of you alone. Tell Dad not to hog you though, we want to see you too."
I laugh and repeat her words, causing Joe to smile.
"Let her know that I'll try not to."
"He said he'll try not to."
"Alright, that's good enough for me. I'll leave you two alone now."
"Alright, see you tonight, my dear."
"See you, Mama."
"And tell Ty that I said hello."
"I will."
"And remind him to-"
"Mama," she groans. "It's okay, we miss you too. I'll let Ty know everything he needs to know." Her tone is playfully exasperated.
"Alright. Don't have too much fun while we're gone."
"Of course. I'll let you get back to sleep," she says with a laugh, and I roll my eyes, not bothering to tell her that we were actually asleep.
"Alright, goodbye."
"Bye."
We hang up and I hand my phone back to Joe. He places it on the nightstand beside the bed and I rest my head back on his chest. Then I look up at him. He looks back at me and I smile.
"You took such good care of me. I want to take care of you as well." His eyebrow lifts and then he chuckles.
"Grace, you never rest, do you? I'm kind of tuckered ou-" His words stop as I sit up and he blinks, silent as his eyes leave my face for a minute before they come back up. "I mean, who am I to deny you? Feel free to continue."
I smile.
"What time do you have to be at work?" I ask, gently trailing my nails along his chest. He shudders lightly.
"Uh...twelve?"
"Twelve? In the morning?"
"Right. No, wait, no."
My eyebrows rise and I smile in amusement.
"You can't ask me a question and tease me like this, Grace," he huffs lightly, and I laugh.
"I can barely even remember my own name right now."
"Should I stop then?" I ask, and he looks at me as if I'm crazy, which only causes me to laugh again. He cracks a smile, shaking his head.
"And here I thought I was the tease. You're worse than me."
"You're not wrong."
"She admits it," he mutters.
"Yes, and if I remember correctly, you work at six tonight, Joe. I have you for another four hours, at least."
"Just four?" he jokes. "Is that enough for you?"
"Don't worry, we can continue this once you get back."
"Grace, I'm joking. Let this poor man get some rest," he says, laughing, but I only stare at him. He blinks, his laugh stopping short. "You . . . you know what rest is right?"
"I don't believe that is in my dictionary," I reply. He blinks again and I move, hovering over him. "Besides, you got more than enough rest, Joe."
"Three hours is not what I'd call more than enough rest."
"Ehn? Really? Maybe I'll allow you eight next time," I joke. He laughs and I see amusement dancing in his eyes.
"I might need eight when it comes to you, but I'll take whatever I can get."
"I like that attitude," I say, smiling before I start.
Needless to say, three hours was certainly more than enough rest for him, and when the time came, he had almost too much energy to go to work. But I guess that wasn't just because of his rest.
"You look like you're doing well," I comment as we get ready to leave. He gives me a wide grin, the same one that's been on his face for a while now.
"For sure," he says, and I can't help but smile. Joe places a big kiss on my cheek, and I laugh. "If I wasn't scheduled tonight, I might not go to work."
I swat at his chest, faking a frown.
"I thought you said that you were all tuckered out."
"Did I say that?"
"Hmm, it seems like your memory has worsened."
"Oh yeah, why don't you help me straighten it out then?" He winks and kisses me again. I bite back my smile and let out a squeal as he picks me up.
"Joe, I can walk to the car myself."
"Let me carry you instead," he says with much too much joy.
"You spoil me."
"No love, I'm just treating you the way that I should."
I give him a kiss for that, and he smiles into it.
"You're tempting me, love," he says after we break away. I hum and kiss him again. He grins after I move back. "Don't stop now."
He kisses up my neck and I laugh, squirming in his arms.
"Joe, stop." His facial hair tickles my skin.
"You've gotten your turn, let me get mine as well."
I continue laughing before swatting his chest again.
"Joseph, you have somewhere to be," I remind him, trying to be stern. He plants one last kiss on my cheek.
"Alright, alright, I'll listen to my lady. Let's get going." he walks out the door, with me still in his arms, before locking it.
"Well, aren't you strong."
"Well, I try to put in some work every now and then."
I caress his jaw and he winks at me.
"What a powerful man."
"I try."
"And you're handsome too."
"What can I say? The Lord blessed me profusely."
"I can see that. I guess there's one thing that could use some work though."
"Really? What's that?" he asks, a smirk on his face.
"Your humility," I tease and pinch his cheek. His eyebrows rise and he snorts.
"I'm the most humble man alive, Grace."
"Mhm, I can see that."
"You see how I only said that I try when you called me powerful?" he asks, turning and walking towards my car.
"If you were truly humble, you'd deny it."
"Really now? Alright, how about before that?"
"A simple thank you would do," I say, and he laughs.
"You're something else, Gracie." I press a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose.
"Yes, something wonderful, that's why you married me."
"Look at who's talking about humility."
"This is simply called honesty, Joe." I kiss his cheek and he lets me down, a grin on his face.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." I rest my hands on his forearms as he keeps his arms around me.
"Well, I was just being honest too, love."
"I'll let you believe that," I respond. But it's no lie, Joe isn't a cocky man. He is humble, but I just want to tease him. "Alright, get going," I say, gently pushing at him.
"Alright, alright. I'll see you guys after work though. Save some food for me, love."
We share a parting hug and he walks backwards slowly to his car.
"I will."
"Tell the kids I said hi, too. I'll talk to them about the family trip once I get back, Lord willing."
"Lord willing," I say with a smile. He nods, hiseyes stuck on me. He doesn't hop into his car until I do, and he doesn't leave until I back out. He tags along behind me until he reaches his exit, heading to the police department. Joe lifts his hand in a wave, his eyes dancing, and I wave back, missing him again already.
♣
Author's Note:
Hello there, I hope everyone reading this is doing well. I originally thought that there were probably two or three chapters left to this story...but that's not the case anymore lol. I've definitely got a few more left after this one. Regardless, this story is still nearing its end and I am enjoying how it is going. I thank you all for coming along and reading this story. I hope you all have a nice day today.
Do take care,
Sarah