Once I posted the letter, I knew it would be some time before I could expect to receive a response and tried my best to put the whole matter from my mind. That proved to be an impossible task. Had I done the right thing? How long would it be before I had an answer? Would I even get an answer or would my letter be one among hundreds and overlooked?
No one seemed to notice my distracted state. The only one who would have was Mother, and she... Well, she was not at her best.
The week after I sent the letter, Mother had an unpleasant episode, the worst since she had fallen ill. For a few days, I wasn't sure if she would make it or not. Worrying and caring for her fell to me and it took my mind off the advertisement.
Fortunately, Mother recovered, though she was weaker than ever afterwards. She didn't seem to have the energy to put on a day dress, choosing to remain in her nightgown. I was merely glad she was able to sit up on her own.
"Such fuss!" Angelica exclaimed when I reported that Mother had remained sitting up most of the day. "I knew Mother Garrison would come out of it. Doctor Peters is so negative with his warnings and gloomy head shaking. It is a wonder any of his patients get well! The boys will help improve Mother Garrison's mood, I am sure of it."
At least John convinced her that Mother was in no condition for a visit from toddlers.
"You are frowning," Mother said, getting my attention. She coughed, but thankfully it didn't devolve into the body shaking coughs that signaled trouble. It had been just over three weeks since I sent the letter and two since she'd become ill. "What are you thinking about? Did you not enjoy the story of the goat?"
With a shake of my head, I pulled my mind out of the past and melancholy memories. I would have to do better at concealing my feelings. Mother did not need to worry about whether Angelica and I were getting along. It would only make it worse if she felt she had to be the peacemaker between us.
"Oh, I rather pitied the poor Irishman for losing so much money to that creature," I said lightly, referring to the story I'd just read in the Kokomo Tribune. "Seventy dollars lost is a great amount."
"Then what has you so concerned?"
"I wouldn't say I was concerned. I was just thinking that summer is nearly here." I gestured to the open window. It was a mostly true statement since the afternoon had turned humid, as was usual for the area. "It won't be long before we'll have fresh vegetables from the garden."
"Very true," Mother said with a slight smile. "I'm looking forward to it. You should go for a walk and get some fresh air. Just because I am confined to this bed doesn't mean you should also be trapped inside."
"No, I'll be fine," I responded, reaching for the fan. I knew guilt would haunt me if I left her alone. "We still have a page of advertisements to read."
"Elizabeth, I refuse to let you stop your life just because I am sick," Mother said, narrowing her eyes. She turned to cough before she continued, "You are still young and there is a large world out there for you to enjoy."
"I am still living," I protested, concerned about what direction she would take this conversation. "I am happy to help take care of you. There is nothing more important right now. The world will still be there..." My voice trailed away. I still couldn't say the words.
"Dearest girl, I would never want you to think I do not appreciate having you by my side, but you must think of the future," Mother said gently. "You deserve better than to be at Angelica's beck and call for the rest of your life."
But would the alternative be worse? "I am not going to marry Mr. Willis!" I blurted out.
Mother's eyes widened. "What do you mean? Mr. Willis? What does he... Never say your brother is still pushing that man at you!"
"Not precisely pushing," I admitted slwoly. "But enjoy mentioning the man's name whenever he can."
Pursing her lips, Mother shook her head. "Well, I suppose I will have to have another word with him the next time he comes in."
Oh, dear. Hadn't I just determined that I didn't want Mother to be worried about what was happening in the rest of the house? At least, my brother did not make frequent visits to the sickroom, so it might be some time before he came again and Mother might forget.
For a while, my brother's absence had bothered me, but I was trying to be understanding. His job at the bank kept him busy, and when he was at home, it was important for him to spend some time with his children. I knew it wasn't easy to see our mother so weak when she had always been a force to be reckoned with.
"Well, he does love to tease me, so he may not mean anything by it," I said with a forced laugh. Maybe if I played it off as a joke, she would think it wasn't so serious. "I haven't the patience for his teasing as of late."
"There's no shame in saying it bothers you. Mr. Willis may have his good qualities, but he would never be a choice for any of my daughters. I may even encourage you to remain unmarried if he were the only prospect for you. And if I knew you would be cared for."
Therein lay the rub. I would be a burden on my brothers if I did not marry and that was unacceptable. "It's a shame I did not try for a teaching certificate. Perhaps I should look into that possibility and pursue teaching."
"If that would make you happy, that might be an option." But Mother's tone remained unconvinced. "Perhaps this summer you should go to your brother Arthur's home in Kokomo, or to your cousins in Wabash. It would give you the opportunity to rest and expand your acquaintance. Shall I write to them and ask them?"
Was it to begin already? I would be passed from relative to relative until something could be done with me. "I'm sure Arthur and Matty have their hands full with their children," I said, refusing to meet her gaze. How would it be better than being at the beck and call of Angelica? "Perhaps next year."
"Betta dear," Mother said, using Papa's pet name for me. "I know you think you have protected me from how Angelica treats you, but I've heard her. I do not want to leave this earth without being certain you won't be left to her mercy."
Tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked rapidly. I would not cry in front of her. "I'm...working on it," I managed to say. What would she say if she knew what I had done? Imagining stories about advertisements and being sympathetic was one thing. Would she approve of my actions?
"You're working on it?" Mother repeated, her tone skeptical but interested. "How so?"
I was saved from making a full confession, for the moment, by my baby niece. Mary Jane began wailing in the nursery. "Elizabeth!" came my sister-in-law's voice a few moments later. "Could you get Mary Jane? My hands are quite full. Elizabeth?"
As fond as I was of my niece, I did not want to change another dirty diaper. "If you are quick, I will tell her you went out for a spell," Mother said swiftly. "But don't think we are done with this conversation. Now go."
My emotions were a tangled mess, so I did not match her conspiratorial smile with my own as I might once had done. Without a word, I squeezed her hand and slipped out of the bedroom. It somehow felt wrong to tiptoe past the bedroom where my niece screamed on my way to get to the back staircase, but I did it anyway.
I'd discovered early on that if I gave in to Angelica once, she would compel me to do whatever she wanted. How she managed it, I did not know. It must be a useful skill to know.
There was a slight breeze that made it cooler outdoors than inside. The sun was high in the sky as I made my way to the sidewalk. Where would I go? Not far, for I did not feel comfortable leaving Mother alone for any length of time.
Perhaps this was the opportunity to check at the newspaper for any response?
The editor of our local paper had promised to hold a letter for me if it were to come. He'd promised complete discretion and I trusted he would keep his word. I'd gone twice and been disappointed when there was no letter.
But, it would be some place to go. Perhaps no one would notice that I was walking without a hat or gloves. Things would become uncomfortable if these details reached my brother. Since he'd married, he had become a stickler for keeping up appearances.
"Elizabeth!"
I'd barely started walking when a familiar voice called my name. Molly Parker, who lived next door, came skipping out to join me. Her green plaid skirt bounced with each running step. "I feel as though I haven't seen you in ages," she declared, linking her arm with mine. "How is your mother? Better, I hope."
"She has had more bad days than good as of late," I told her honestly. It felt good to tell someone this when I had been keeping so much in. "I will tell her you asked for her."
"Perhaps I could visit sometime this next week with mother and Aunt Susan," Molly suggested. She hastened to add, "If you think it wouldn't be detrimental to your mother, that is. Mrs. John Garrison was adamant that it might do more harm than good if we did."
Was my sister-in-law deliberately keeping friends away? Now that I thought about it, it had been some time since Mother had a visitor. Angelica had never mentioned anyone stopping to ask after Mother. How many people had been turned away with the excuse that it would be too tiring for Mother?
"I'm sure Mother would be very happy to have some company," I said to my friend. My blood was boiling with this new detail. "She has not complained, but I am certain she must tire of having only my company. A new face will be welcome."
Molly squeezed my arm. "Has it been so hard having your brother and sister-in-law in your home?"
"It is not my home anymore," left my lips before I could think better of the words. Molly didn't need to know my insecurities. With a sigh, I shook my head. "Never mind me, Molly. I'm simply...tired."
And I was. I couldn't remember being so exhausted. As long as I was moving, caring for Mother, I didn't think about it. Now that I had a moment to breathe, it hit me harder than ever that I didn't feel like myself.
"No, I think it is more to that," Molly said gently. She leaned closer, squeezing my arm. "I've felt you've been keeping something from me. You can tell me anything, Elizabeth. That's what friends are for, isn't it?"
"Well, yes," I said reluctantly. "But you don't need to hear all my imagined woes."
"Nonsense. I know you have listened to me countless times when I've had trouble. And I refuse to believe any woe you have is iamgined. It can't be easy to lose your father so suddenly , then to have your mother fall ill, and finally to have your brother take over your home. I don't think I could bear even half of that."
For the second time that day, tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked them away. Part of me wanted to confess all: how much I resented Angelica. How angry I was to have been relegated to the attic. How worried I was for my mother. How scared I was for the future.
"Life is not easy for anyone," was all I said, though. "It isn't unexpected for John to move in with his family. With Mother ill, someone needed to run the house. And the house is large enough for a growing family."
"That may be true, but you forget I've known Angelica for as long as I've known you," Molly said with a slight laugh. "She has her fine qualities I am sure, but she is not the most thoughtful person in Peru. She has not always been complimentary of you when I've spoken to her, you know."
I didn't know but couldn't really be surprised about that. If Angelica could so easily hint to my face that I was an unwanted burden on the family, it was even easier to believe she would bemoan my presence to the neighbors. At some point, someone would know of a similar situation and would commiserate with her.
"She says I should go to Maryanne to help in her confinement."
"A noble gesture, but has Maryanne asked for your help?"
"No, she has not." Several letters from my younger sister had not even mentioned needing, or wanting, any help. By all accounts, Maryanne was perfectly satisfied with her situation in life.
"Then, if I were you, I would think no more of it," Molly said cheerfully. "Angelica says many things and I daresay a small fraction of them have any sense attached to them. You must get out more, Elizabeth, so that you can escape her company. That will help you have a better frame of mind and be able to ignore her much easier."
What she said made sense and yet... "It would be selfish of me to leave Mother to Angelica's mercy," I protested. "Angelica does not believe Mother to be truly ill."
"Odd that she would express concern that my visit would be detrimental. But here you are anyway, free for an hour or so?" Molly pointed out with a smile. "Worrying will not make things better. I'm not saying you should spend all day every day away from her. Just a little time, everyday or every other day."
Since it didn't seem as though she would give up the matter, I forced a smile and nodded. We'd walked several blocks and I could see the post office up ahead.
"Now," Molly continued briskly. "What shall we do with your moment of freedom? Perhaps some ribbons to brighten up the hat you are not wearing today. You will not be in black for much longer. We should pick out a new dress in the latest style."
The idea of a blue dress with the new bustle that had become popular in the past few years was an intriguing one. Molly, and several of the ladies of Peru's leading family, had kept up with the change in fashion. I admired the new silhouette, and hadn't worked out how to modify my own wardrobe to imitate it.
But would it be selfish of me to be concerned about clothes now? How could I worry about clothes when Mother could not get out of bed?
"It would be fun to look, but perhaps another day," I said, pushing it to the side to consider later. We were drawing closer to the post office and it was time to make a decision. "Molly, can you keep a secret?"
Immediately, her brown eyes lit up. "Of course I can." She paused and then added, "As long as it is nothing immoral or criminal, that is."
"It's not," I hastily assured her. "But it is something I haven't told my family about. Not even Mother knows and I'm not sure she will approve when I tell her."
"Oh? I am all ears."
"I responded to an advertisement in the paper."
Her brow furrowed, Molly shook her head. "What do you mean? Did you buy something?"
"No. You know how there have been advertisements in the newspapers for men seeking brides? I answered one of them." And, I kept to myself, I had been keeping an eye on the different ones that had been in the newspaper recently.
Molly came to a halt, pulling me to a stop as well. "Elizabeth Garrison, are you saying you are going to be a mail order bride?"
"No! I'm saying I wrote a letter. I don't know if he has responded or if he intends to do so. I don't even know his name yet." I gestured to the newspaper office. "I would like to check now."
"But...why?"
"Because at least it would be my choice! No one has persuaded or pressured me to do this." I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders. "As I said, I don't know if anything will come of it, but at least I made a decision of some kind."
"Do you know anything about this man? What if he is a trickster like we've read about?"
"If he asks for money, then I will know he is not to be trusted. Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Did she think I hadn't considered the pros and cons of this? "He cannot be any worse than Mr. Willis."
Molly's nose wrinkled and she shuddered. "I suppose that's true. Well. As long as you are careful." She paused and then added, "I hope you will keep me informed?"
I squeezed her hand. "I may need your help if I am to keep this from Angelica. You know how she gets when something happens that she hasn't been consulted about. I don't want to make things more uncomfortable than they already are."
After a moment's hesitation, Molly agreed. She waited while I went into the office. Much to my shock, the clerk handed me a single letter with an indifferent glance. I hardly knew what to think as I exited the building.
"He responded?" my friend asked. Despite her initial suspicion, she sounded almost eager and excited. "This is good news! What does he say? What's his name?"
"I don't know. Let me read it first."
As we slowly walked back the way we had come, oblivious to any other passerby, I broke the seal and opened the letter. Though I read some lines aloud, I kept most of the contents to myself. "Noah Coleman," I said once I read through. "He seems to be well-read and educated. His handwriting is very good. Better than John's, I daresay."
"It sounded impersonal," Molly objected. "Full of facts but not much else."
"It is a start. I'm sure my own letter wasn't much better." I glanced down at the letter in my hand. "I will have to admit to him that I know next to nothing about farm work. I'd be the worst possible help on a farm."
"But you could learn. If you decide you are serious, I'm sure there are books to read." She snapped her fingers. In fact, I know just the one! I'll bring it to you tomorrow."
I was almost afraid to learn what kind of book she had.
~*~
Dear Mr. Garrison,
Thank you for your kind letter. I was interested to learn how a person claims a homestead. Was it very difficult to 'prove" your claim, as you put it? Please tell me more about it. What did you have to do?
I'm afraid I have no interesting or informative tales to share. I have lived in the same town all my life, and my parents also grew up here. A couple of my siblings have left but only to the nearby towns. One of my cousins left to fight in the war, but he did not come back. I've read much and have wondered what it would be like to travel. Was it a difficult journey when you went west?
I will be honest with you. I do not have much experience in how one farms. I've isited my cousins outside of town, but being a guest, I was not involved in the harder chores. As my food friend, Miss Parker, told me, it is always possible to learn. I thought you should know the worst of me.
You want to know about my family. My oldest brother is a banker as my father was. He, his wife, and their three children have now moved into our family home since my father died. It is strange to see him every day again. It seems every year, my family grows with my siblings...