Selene was now working full-time after her minor breakdown.
It seemed like she could handle the alone time, even for a couple of hours, but after remembering in the bathtub she couldn't stand having time to herself.
And thankfully, Gunnar approved.
He wasn't completely strange.
But he was weird. Not in an awful way, but in a way that she didn't understand.
And frankly, she wasn't sure that she could understand him.
The scheduling program notified her of a new booking and she opened it.
"Hmm, Marva Hampton," She mumbled the name to remember it.
Total recall.
Another part of the perfection she tried leaving behind.
It would probably take the rest of her life to relearn life in a normal sense.
The phone rang and she answered seconds later.
"Hendrik's Autoshop, this is Galia," She refrained from mentally noting the perfection of her telephone script.
Remember, no more picture-perfect perfection.
She noted instead.
"Hi, Galia. I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to know how that game was treatin you," Gunnar said surprising her.
Why did he even bother remembering the game?
Instead of marking him as a weirdo, she wanted to give him a chance.
Maybe he wanted to know because he was nice.
"It's been-oh no,"
No.
She clicked the mouse hoping the page was only frozen.
"You alright?" He asked concerned, but Selene's mind was frozen just like the page.
She clicked everything on the screen, but nothing happened.
Gunnar was going to yell at her. He would finally show something other than kindness and she deserved it.
The appointment was now gone because of a mistake.
"No," She gripped her hair and tugged it in frustration.
A mistake was a missed take, and she missed this take for Gunnar.
She messed with his money.
"Galia, talk to me." He said gently.
His voice wouldn't be gentle for much longer.
She had to tell the truth and own her much-deserved consequences.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but the computer froze and I deleted an appointment on mis-accident," Selene couldn't say the word.
She only hoped that the consequences were bearable. Sometimes the quietest voices hold the worst bark.
She was an idiot.
"You remember the client's name?" Gunnar asked with the same gentleness.
God, he couldn't just yell at her? He was taking the same approach as her father.
Calm and then vicious.
"I do," Her fingers clung to her hair at the scalp.
She was waiting for his reaction. For the bomb to explode.
"Then it's all good. I'll call em and get them to rebook." He said as if it were simple.
Nothing was simple.
When was he going to yell?
She was more trouble than she was worth. Never once had she made a mistake like this.
"Don't beat yourself up, Galia. I messed up them books so bad once and I ain't fire myself. Wasn't used to that digital update fifteen years ago, and I still ain't used to it now," Gunnar said, wanting to deflect the situation.
It was a mistake.
Selene almost laughed at his words, but she couldn't. She felt like she was walking on a landmine field.
When would he explode?
She almost lost him money and he didn't seem to care.
Why was he brushing it off?
Gunnar sighed at the sound of panicky breaths.
"You get the computer back up? Just gotta unplug it," He told her.
Selene pulled at her hair and closed her eyes to stop from screaming.
When was he going to yell?
This was more stressful than being yelled at.
She unplugged the computer and plugged it back in.
As the computer came on, a switch went off in Selene as well.
She was rebooting in a way.
Perfect people couldn't just panic.
She couldn't function when perfection wasn't on her mind. That's why she screwed up.
Her brain wasn't meant to be normal. There was no room for grace or mistakes.
After writing the name of the deleted client on a sticky note, Selene cleared her throat.
"I will call Marva Hampton and reschedule her appointment."
Gunnar was taken aback at the straight-laced emotionless voice.
Something wasn't right with Galia.
She was just in a panicked frenzy.
"Breathe, Galia." He encouraged her softly.
She needed to calm herself, not shut her emotions away.
Selene's hands stiffened and she shook her head.
What was he playing at? She needed to work and be perfect to keep the shop perfect.
"I won't. Not until the computer is up and I've fixed what I messed up." She said sharply.
He was trying to ruin her flow.
Gunnar wished that he could hug the high-strung woman.
It wasn't a choice she had. Behavior like this came from not having the safety to be soft and relaxed.
Which made him question where she came from.
Women were supposed to be celebrated for their differences, for simply delighting in unharmful things, and not shamed. She needed peace but strangely strived to be the perfect worker.
So he was going to try a different tactic.
"As your boss, I want you to stop tryin to fix this and get by yourself to calm down." He hated having to use his title to get her to do something for herself, but unfortunately, it seemed to be the only thing that could work.
Selene wanted to say no. She wanted to ignore him and fix every problem. But, her boss told her to calm down.
And she wanted to. But if anyone asked, she only wanted to because she couldn't defy her boss.
So she took a deep breath and released it for five seconds.
And it felt good. She actually took a few seconds to breathe. Not just breathing to stay alive, but breathing to breathe.
"I used to worry and be up to fix everything, but the Lord showed me I was hurtin me. I wasn't Superman," Gunnar said to show he wasn't judging her. He wanted her to feel safe to breathe.
Selene's breath got caught in her throat as she shook her head.
No. No. No.
"Now, I ain't tryin to run you. I just wanted to help," He told her the same words Beau told him a few weeks ago.
It sounded nice, but being alone with her mind was scary. She needed to always be doing something.
Or else.
And what did God have to do with anything?
Her eyes shut tightly. "I won't slow down. I won't stop." She said firmly.
He needed to stop.
And her words hit home for Gunnar.
He was in the same place. Afraid to slow down when Kaitlyn was admitted to the hospital.
"Excuse me for sayin, but won't? Or you can't?" He didn't want to pry, but it was too late. And he cared too much.
Selene groaned feeling completely frustrated and visible.
He was right, but he needed to leave her be. She won't slow down. But she can't because it would haunt her.
It always did.
"You can't say that. No. Please don't try to stop me, Gunnar. I won't." Her voice was heavy and she hated it.
"I'm sorry, Galia. I ain't tryin to lead you nowhere, but I did mean it. You try to have that time right now, take a break, least thirty minutes. I got the schedule," He wouldn't oppose or upset her anymore.
And he didn't want to make her cry. She was nearly there, but crying when you don't feel safe is like wearing a target over yourself.
"Could you do that for me?"
He knew how to word his request.
She wouldn't do it for herself, it went against whatever vow she had made. But for her boss, she would listen.
And she did.
"I will."
"Remember to breathe."
-
Why didn't he leave her alone?
Why didn't he just ignore the obvious panicked tone?
Everyone else did.
He had to be listening extra attentively.
And why was he bent on getting her to breathe?
Breathing meant that she slowed down. Slowing down meant that she wasn't working. And not working means that she was a disappointment.
A failure.
And being a failure meant that she wasn't a Brassard.
A red plate with a slice of chocolate cake slid in front of her and she remembered where she was.
Thinking was dangerous.
"Thank you," She smiled faintly at the waitress and eyed the cake she ordered.
It would certainly hit the spot.
"You sure are welcome, but are you alright?"
Selene's face fell and she laughed at her miserable situation. "Have I lost my ability to conceal?" She questioned the woman sardonically.
She was an actress for God's sake.
What would her father think of her?
The woman pursed her lips and eyed Selene carefully.
"No, darling. You just wearing the look of an upset woman is all."
Selene looked away from the observant woman.
She was ashamed of being so emotional. She needed to get a grip.
"And that's okay," The woman added warmly.
Why did everyone believe it was okay to be expressive? She hated it. She hated how attractive it sounded to be open, but she couldn't. Not this easily.
"Why do you think this way?" Selene asked hoping to hear something concrete.
"Can I sit?"
Selene nodded and the woman sat in the seat across from her.
"Well, before I dive in, I'm Renee and I own this diner with my husband, so I won't get in any trouble," Renee told her with a humorous smile.
"Oh, your diner is lovely. My name is Galia," Selene said politely.
"Once upon a time, Galia, I was hard-headed. Just the strictest woman and I knew it was normal. No one could tell me otherwise, and if they did, they were weirdos who needed to mind their business. And this behavior, or lifestyle, went on for years. But one day something changed," Renee left the story of a cliffhanger.
She seemed to be dramatic but in a pleasant way.
And she was intriguing.
"What happened?" Selene couldn't help but ask.
A tender, motherly smile grew on Renee's face. "I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and unfortunately, I hated what I saw." Her voice didn't waver at the admittance.
Selene wondered how such a beautiful woman could've hated herself.
How?
"I finally faced myself, something I'd been putting off for years. I didn't want to hate what I saw, what I had become, so I avoided facing myself. I'm not sure if you've heard this, but sometimes God will let us get to a point where we have nowhere else to run. And He doesn't do it because He's some bully who wants to torment us with the truth, no. He does it because He knows how hard it is to carry weight that we were never intended to carry. And He gives us the opportunity every single day to give Him our worries, any and everything, and He waits on us, and He loves us through every single mistake."
No.
Selene was almost swayed by the story.
Fairy tale.
God didn't do that. He left her alone. He let everyone handle her the way they desired. He didn't protect what she lost.
But even as a fairy tale, Renee's story and depiction of God were much different than the one Selene learned about.
"And that day, I finally made the choice to look inside. And I saw a lonely woman, cold, but afraid to seek shelter. A paradox, a confusion, but the light of God saved my heart. He showed me, through a very long, yet lovely process, that He loved me and that being alone wasn't something He created me for." Renee said pointedly, but it didn't seem like an attack.
It was like advice, but without the usual yelling and anger that came with it.
"God gives certain people an anointing, gift in simpler terms, for that life of solace, solely relying on God for companionship and relationship. And others have that desire, the gift He placed in their heart, for love and relationships with others. And for safety, warmth, peace. In a place or love that you know will never disappoint or even harm you, a place for eternal warmth and joy, and it's found in the light of the world, Jesus." Renee's eyes were bright with something Selene had never seen.
She looked like she had that peace.
Selene's heart cried for that, for everything Renee spoke about.
Who could give her peace? Hope? Could God do that?
"And it's just as simple as saying, God, I need you." Her voice was warm. Warm and sweet.
God, I need you, but will you really show up?
"It's a lot to take in, darling. But, He will never disappoint those who put their entire hope and faith in Him. But, to do so, you have to understand His heart and love for you, His pure intentions. And that takes an open heart, don't cling to religion or hearsay about Him. Just seek Him, say hello and He'll take it from there," Renee gently patted Selene's hand and left the table.
Could she do that?
Would it hurt to try?
-
Selene was back at her desk in the office.
Renee left her to enjoy the cake, which was delicious, but she also left her with unanswered questions.
Questions she most likely wouldn't have asked if given another chance.
She painted God with such vibrant and brilliant colors, but why did Selene's painting of Him look so murky and scary?
It didn't matter.
There was work to be done.
She went to the scheduling program and found that Marva Hampton's appointment was fixed.
Gunnar.
Gunnar. She reacted so horribly to him, but his advice helped a little.
"I'm one to own up to my faults," She said and dialed his number.
"Hello?"
Her heart dropped at his voice. She wanted to cop-out.
"Hi, this is Galia. I saw that Marva Hampton's appointment was fixed," Selene knew that he wasn't going to yell, he proved it earlier, but it didn't shake her anxiety.
Would he ignore her apology?
"I told you I'd fix it. I didn't want to keep you from your time," Gunnar's tone sounded indifferent.
Had she burnt the bridge he tried building? Was he going to turn on her now?
A pit grew in her stomach. A guilty pit.
"I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier. I know you were only trying to help and I didn't mean to be rude," She rushed out before shutting her eyes, waiting for him to blow up.
Instead, she heard him sigh. He sounded relieved.
"It ain't no thing, Galia. Just want you to enjoy yourself much as you can. It ain't fun bein worried or scared. You don't got to be hard on yourself workin here."
Gunnar sounded like he was speaking from experience, but how?
He was always calm and patient.
There was no way he could've ever worried for more than a moment.
The office door opened and in came a customer.
"I've got to go now, a customer is here." She said hushed.
"Hi," She spoke to the customer, who spoke back.
"Okay, member to take your time. And remember to breathe, sweetie." The call ended, leaving Selene a little flustered.
Sweetie?
-
Sweetie.
Gunnar looked at his phone and chuckled as he shook his head.
He liked the woman. It was a natural name to call her, he didn't even think before saying it.
And his prayers were answered.
She was coming around, like a tortoise, but she was still moving.
There was so much inside of her, so much beauty waiting to be released. But she didn't feel safe, and he didn't blame her.
Wherever she came from did a mighty work on her heart, it was heartbreaking.
"How did this happen?" Gunnar asked himself.
The feelings he had for her came from a breeze, it seemed.
He cared for her, he cared so much. But he also liked her. He was sweeter on her than a candy apple.
It was the work of God, no doubt.
There was no other reasonable explanation. She wasn't nice to him, but she wasn't rude.
But the sound of her voice did wonders on his heart.
It was as if he saw her, without seeing her, as a woman ready for love. A woman who understood how magnificent she was. A woman who owned her fearfully and wonderfully made spirit and body.
He saw her as a sparkling woman. Loved by God and loved by him.
Where she was now didn't matter to him.
Galia was the woman he'd prayed to God for and about before even knowing her. And boy did he pray for her.
He didn't wonder if she was beautiful in appearance. He didn't wonder how he'd get through those walls around her heart that were higher than the tower of Babel.
By God's grace, mercy, and intentional plan, Gunnar would make a place safe for her. For her to be open with him.
But more than anything, Gunnar prayed that Galia would be open to the love of God.
His love was better, best, and outran all others.
"Thank You for romancin her heart, Lord."
It was a done deal.
-
Authors Note
Hey y'all!
I loved writing this chapter! ANd let me tell you! They finally meet in person next chapter! Yay! Tell me your thoughts and such!
Anywho, I'm so excited for every single chapter of this book because the topics I'm tackling. Like, God is having me highlight soooo much that we can pass off as just a bad mood or short temper, when in reality, it's abuse.
I saw a movie Sunday, Redeeming Love, and it just wow. I suggest that if it's showing near you, you go see it. Watch the trailer, it was a book first, I never read it, but the movie is worth watching because it talks about God's unconditional love in a very unfortunate, yet realistic situation. Viewer discretion is heavily advised, read about the themes before watching.
I pray for every person who has experienced any kind of abuse. Whether it's external or internal, God sees it and He loves you. What you've experienced isn't a mark on you forever, you aren't branded or bound. He can and desires to set you free, just reach out to Him.
I want you all to know that your experiences matter. Again, it doesn't matter if it was verbal or physical. It matters.
You matter to God.
Bye!