Steel-blue eyes desperately searched for green, moving from side to side and back and forth rapidly. Where was she? The young woman? He tried to remember her name through the fog of waking Cryosleep. Shaali! That was it! She wasn't behind him, leaning over to aid in blocking pain receptors like she had so many times before since Hydra had brought her in. He continued to search, head-turning, soon drawn by an all too familiar sound. There she was, to his immediate left, fighting against her handlers, pushing, shoving, doing all she could to stop them from forcing her back into the contraption they'd built especially to hold her in place while she helped power their machines.
"No!" she cried. "Not him!" she was begging by now, watching in horror as it dawned on her exactly what the punishment would be for daring to break in and read up on the prisoner files. "Bucky, I'm sorry," she said, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," he managed, his voice low and hoarse, a look of questioning coming over his face. She had never called him by that name before. Shaali had always used his codename. The prisoner number he had been assigned was too cold a way for someone like her to ever address another person.
"You will do as you are ordered, Restorer or one of the other patients will suffer a far worse fate than him!"
Restorer. Hydra's callsign for an asset whom they forced to do everything that was against the very core of her existence.
Bucky watched the handler grab her chin, turning her head to look at him. "This one is now going to be the cause of your torture instead of blocking that oh so excruciating pain," he informed him, then letting go of Shaali and covering the distance between them. "And that pain is going to be nothing like you've ever experienced here before," he then motioned for the process to begin, their Winter Soldier pushed back against the chair.
As the magnetic clamps slid over his wrists, a button was pressed on the device in the Russian agent's hand, turning off the power restraining collar around Shaali's neck. "Take control of it now, Restorer," he ordered. "Or the next death will be on you."
The headpiece halo lowered, the only friend he had in this place whispering a last "I'm sorry," before she opened up her ability, sending electrical energy through the connections. The pain hit him so hard it forced him to close his eyes before the scream echoed around the room…
Bucky sat bolt upright, the partly wrapped blanket on the floor of the bedroom in the sparsely furnished studio apartment sliding further off, cold sweat dripping from a body dressed only in black boxer briefs. After a few moments to regain his bearings, his eyes narrowed, fists clenching, the frustration clear. Not again! Yet another nightmare and more broken sleep. Gaze falling on the digital bedside clock, he inwardly groaned at the hour, 3:17 am. Now 3:18 even as he was looking at it. He needed to talk to someone; the other half of his memory. Make sure all of it was real.
Bucky climbed to his feet and picked up the smartphone under the dimly lit lamp on the bedside table, moving over to sit on the black leather chair looking out at the city beyond the window. Resting a metal elbow on its sill he unlocked the device and began to navigate through trying to find his contacts. Maybe, had he not already been on edge, he'd have taken the time to figure it out but all he wanted was to hear one of the two familiar voices who could help calm him down.
"How the hell am I supposed to use this thing?!" he snapped, tapping at the icon on the screen, somehow aware not to be too rough lest he break it again. He was already on his third phone and had a feeling that if he couldn't get it to work this one would soon be crushed into tiny pieces within a metal hand as well.
The thought did cross his mind at this hour she'd be fast asleep, Bucky almost hesitating in another attempt he was sure had the connection open now. Maybe he should just suck it up and talk to her later on? After the ringtone rang out and turned into Shaali's voice telling him to try ringing back a second time before leaving a message, he hung up, laying the side of his head down just near his elbow, his forearm still at an angle above it and holding his phone.
He must've fallen back asleep because the sound of the old-style 40s telephone ringtone startled him enough he almost fell off the chair, fumbling to keep hold of the mobile. "Damn it!" he muttered, nerves easing at Shaali's name and photo on the screen. "Hey Shaa," he said, using her nickname.
Still half asleep, Shaali's yawn partly coincided with her, "Hey Bucky, what's up?" the concern in her tone, palpable.
"I'm sorry for calling you so…"
"What have I told you?" she interrupted. "Anytime you need me."
Bucky smiled a little. "Yeah, I know. It just seems to be happening a lot lately."
"And?" Shaali asked pointedly. "Between Steve, Sam, John, and me, you know we've got you covered." Pushing back the covers and bringing her feet around to touch the floor of her room within the Xavier mansion, she pressed further, "What did you remember this time?"
"You… being forced to hurt me," if anything was true of James Buchanan Barnes, honesty was a very big part of him. He'd been lied to for the better part of his life. He wouldn't stand for it now.
There was silence on the other end, Shaali's eyes tearing up at the mere thought of ever having to revisit those memories. "My gosh, Bucky, do we have to?" her voice was low, full of pain and regret.
Bucky closed his eyes, fighting back his own emotion. "Not straight away, no," he promised. "But can you come over?"
"Now?"
"Please?" there was a pleading to this one simple request.
As hard as it was, Shaali didn't hesitate. "I'll be there in half an hour or so."
****
"Bucky, I'm here," Shaali announced at the same time she knocked on the door. When there was no answer she knocked again a little louder and waited to see if she could hear the sound of him coming. Nothing. "He's probably fallen back asleep," she thought, taking out the spare key he had given her and only one other person in his life so far. "Bucky?" she called again as she stepped inside, quietly closing and setting the bolt again.
She made her way into the apartment, turning on the hallway light and peeking into his room. "James?"
He was asleep, half sitting, half resting his head on his arm upon the windowsill, his phone face down flat still held in his hand. She smiled, inwardly thinking how peaceful he looked, glancing at the dim light shining through raindrops on the glass allowing her to see what wasn't covered of his face. Shaali moved over to retrieve the blanket from his bed, wrapping it around him and giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Sweeter dreams this time, Bucky," she whispered and then walked back out to the kitchen.
She stood with her hands resting on the counter, relief flooding through her in waves. Whether it had been to punish her or make them pay for some insubordination, the healer didn't want to revisit the times she'd been forced to hurt patients for Hydra. Least of all did she want to look into a certain Winter Soldier's eyes and see the pain her further enhanced X-Gene had caused him. The fact he'd managed to fall back asleep was a good sign as well. Meant he wasn't so lost in the recall his brain couldn't easily snap out of it.
After mulling it over for a little bit longer, Shaali decided not to leave; she wanted to stay the night to see how her good friend was in the morning. Moving through the archway door into the living room and turning on the tall lamp to her immediate left, she very quietly began to make herself comfortable on the couch…
And, must have fallen back into that nothingness beyond R.E.M sleep pretty quickly herself because when she finally did begin to stir again she saw the brightness of daytime shining through the highest windows and noted something soft covering her that hadn't been there before. Glancing down at it she smiled. It seemed Bucky had woken up at some point and found her on the couch, putting the same blanket over her as she'd done for him.
"Thank you, Bucky," she whispered, getting up as quietly as she could and once again moving to his bedroom door.
The first thing she noticed was, while he had said he wanted to try and sleep in the bed these past few nights, it was still untouched, James at some point moving from the chair back to his little nest on the floor. ~Oh Bucky,~ she thought, looking over him with affectionate concern. Regardless, he seemed to be asleep so that was something at least.
With the promise to never allow anything bad to happen to him again running through her mind, the electrokinetic finally turned and headed to make some breakfast. "Wait, has he even got anything here I could use?" she asked herself quietly, opening the pantry door and raising her eyebrows at the sight of almost bare shelves. "Guess not. What's he got in the…" her words trailed off as only milk and a few other bare necessities presented themselves after opening the fridge door. "Really James, what exactly is it that you eat? Guess I'm ordering in for us then."
She was relieved to find some instant coffee in a tin, although she imagined he probably left for the nearest coffee shop more often than actually using it. She chuckled, turning on the kettle and spooning the ingredients into each cup.
"Smells good," his familiar voice drifted to her as she was pouring the hot water, causing her to startle a little.
"Oh, he's up," she quipped jokingly, turning to smile in welcome only to have to catch herself in seeing he was still only in a black t-shirt over the same colour boxer briefs. "You want this now or after you've gotten ready?"
He didn't answer her, Shaali turning away to continue what she had been doing. "I'll order in a couple of big brekkies from the takeaway down the street once you're done too."
She wasn't sure exactly when she sensed him right behind her but the feel of his hand brushing aside her hair just about made her heart stop. His touch. His breath on her neck, Shaa found herself quickly lost in a moment she had wanted ever since remembering who he was and how much he'd meant to her. "James, what…" she paused as he started leaving tender kisses across her shoulders.
A metal hand went around to hold her tightly back against him, Bucky yearning for the touch of a woman he trusted with all and every part of him. He had been lost in the thought of her for quite some time now but he couldn't say or do anything, feeling with both their recent memory recalls, it wasn't the right time. Seeing her there on his couch last night, hearing and eventually catching sight of her making them a drink in the kitchen, it was all he could do to try and contain himself.
And now, from behind, with his right hand caressing the opposite side of her jawline, he'd well and truly lost that fight, one he would never regret failing in his life.
~We can't do this. You can't let him… you're taking advantage,~ Shaali's mind screamed at her. "Bucky, we shouldn't…" she said, one arm resting on his around her waist, the feel of the metal only making it harder to resist.
In one swift movement, he spun the healer around, picked her up, and took one step right sideways to avoid the cups, sitting her down on the bench. Steel-blue eyes bored into multicoloured green as he leant forward and kissed her. There was no hesitation on her part to return the affection. Goodness knows she did want him, with everything she had and then some.
Just… tears started to fall from eyes now closed and it took Bucky only a few seconds to notice. He reached up and gently wiped them away, his face still so close as he said, "Shaali... doll, speak to me. What's wrong?"
Eyes glistening with sadness, she finally looked at him. "I can't take advantage… this isn't right. There's too much emotion… too much pain. They made me hurt you. I won't do it again."
Metal fingers touched her face, running over her cheek, his thumb tracing her lips with a tenderness belying their strength. Shaali leaned her head into his hand, Bucky cupping her cheek and locking eyes with her again. "Shaali, you were there when no one else gave a damn. You protected parts of me even while they forced you to stabilise the process. Shuri never understood why there were parts of my memory wrapped up in a shield made of an energy she didn't recognise," he kissed her again then, the stubble on his chin tickling her face. "That was you trying to protect me even when you knew what could happen if your handlers ever caught you," he finished, with lips so close to hers.
Tears played at the corner of her eyes, the recollection of the helplessness she had felt during that time fully restored and very clear in her mind. "I'm sorry," she said, voice breaking. "I should've opened up my powers, finally stopped them…" her words were interrupted by another kiss, so gentle. Shaali's emotions started coming out in sobs, metal fingers sliding through black hair covering the back of her neck, Bucky pulling her head down to rest on his chest.
Both arms now holding her close, Shaa's regret mixed with a sense of relief at just how forgiving this man really was flowed freely, her hands resting on each side of her face, one occasionally wiping at her eyes. Unfortunately, her mind was not allowing her to be absolved that easily. "Isn't that also a form of manipulation? The shielding, I mean."
Bucky's eyes widened at this question from one of the most caring and honest people he had ever met, hands going down to gently clasp both sides of her face, lifting it to look at him. "No!" he exclaimed. "Stop this, please," close to begging her.
She closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry," she said softly, feeling his lips on hers again. She filly reciprocated this time, the hesitancy only in the tenseness of her body. She felt his arms move back to envelop her in an embrace she truly never wanted to leave.
When the kiss ended, they simply looked at each other, Bucky's smile genuine and this time very much reaching his eyes. This feeling of deep contentment was still something extremely foreign to him and nearly every time he felt it he just knew something was going to come along and stuff it up. Shaali saw his features fall briefly, reaching up to touch his cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere," she assured him. "With everything… I just don't want to assume… anything."
He nodded. "You aren't. I'm… I can't give myself… I can't just let anyone in this close, doll. But, I understand."
Such a gentleman. She really did love him. She always had just never remembered it. "Thank you," she almost whispered, watching him step back and with one last squeeze of her hand, disappear back towards the bedroom to get changed.
Even while the negative and very cautious part of her mind was going off at her for even thinking about it, there was the other section, the one that wanted to see an even deeper, more intimate connection than what they already had. It was telling her to follow him, to take him up on an offer that was so obviously not only one-sided. She slipped off the bench, turning to grab a cloth and wipe it down before finishing off the beverages.
~Go to him, Shaali. Show him how much you really care,~ these thoughts were very hard to ignore, the memory of his touch, his kisses...
She put the cup of coffee she'd just picked up back down and left the kitchen, reaching the bedroom and realising he was in the bathroom. She knocked on the door. "Bucky… James, are you sure?"
The door opened not even half a second later, the White Wolf staring at her with such intensity she almost melted. He swept her back into his arms, the kiss full of such passion Shaali knew there was no way she was going to hold back from loving him this time.