For anyone who read the previous chapter before this one was published: I made some pretty major changes before the end, so I recommend you re-read the last half.
ROARA
It took all the energy I had. One foot. Then the other. And then I was upright. My shoulder screamed, my chest screamed, my heart screamed.
I looked to my left, to my family. That was who I was fighting for. Locke showed no sign of slowing down. Maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe just killing me wouldn't work. Maybe I'd asked my best friend to do the impossible for nothing.
And then I thought of Loki. And I got angry. I wanted this done, I wanted this over. I wanted revenge.
One foot. Then the other. I took a step forwards.
Locke grinned at me, with that manic look in his eyes.
He wanted to wound me, to keep wounding me, until I couldn't fight anymore. Until he could just walk away and disappear into the darkness. Maybe I'd be so weak he'd control my mind again, use me against my friends again.
I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't going to let him win this.
If the roles had been reversed Loki would never have let him go without revenge.
I took in a shuddering breath.
Walk the line between life and death. And it came with a cost. And I still didn't know what it was. What was the cost mother? Why did you leave me guessing?
I closed my eyes and the humming filled my ears. The familiar flutter of whispers, of the value of my life.
I knew what I had to do.
I was bleeding out fast, I didn't have much time. Once I did this I'd have seconds, maybe, if that. And I had to do this right. I had to make sure he wasn't expecting it.
Light filled my vision. I saw everyone I had ever killed, standing around me, staring at me. Was this what I had put that guard at the prison through? Had I made him die with those he had wronged staring at him. I didn't know if I imagined it or not, but I saw Loki in front of me. It had been my fault he had died. Mine. Nobody else's.
"No!" I heard Locke shout. "No! Not like this!"
I realised what the sacrifice was. This was never my power. It never would be. It'd always be just out of my reach, I'd never been able to truly control it. And it was, and it always would be, the way that I'd die. If I chose to use it once, it'd have to be the way that I died. It wasn't mine. I had to give it back. It was why I hadn't been able to save Fiona. My mother hadn't deemed her life worthy enough. This was my mother's power. I was simply borrowing it. This was me, giving it back.
I could end it if I used this on myself. Because it wouldn't be me doing it. It would be mother, watching from a distance, deciding if I should live or die. Deciding if it was the right moment. But it would take more than that, I realised. I had done a stupid thing. I'd become too free of him. I couldn't survive if he died, but he might be able to live on if I did. It was only a chance. But it wasn't one I was willing to make. I had to be doubly sure this would work.
Locke had known. Of course Locke had known.
I heard the sound of birdsong. Of a garden.
I took one last look at James. He had a grimace on his face. I looked at him for as long as I could bare.
I took a step backwards. It was agony. I took another step.
I could no longer see, the white light covered everything. I closed my eyes. I had one shot. One chance. I was cutting it fine.
I remembered back in the cave. Practicing. Over and over and over again, to stave off the boredom.
He wouldn't see it coming.
I heard someone call my name. Roara. I couldn't distinguish the voice. Roara. I couldn't tell what they meant by my name.
I took another step back and felt myself be pulled into the portal that had taken Loki, felt myself be dragged backwards into a different realm. There would be no chance of stopping me once I was through, no chance he'd have of surviving this. No chance of anyone reviving me.
I had known I would die today. I'd just not expected to be so relieved about it.
I threw Loki's knife.
And then there was nothing.