The moment Giselle lay her eyes on Xavier, she knew he hadn't slept the two days they were parted. He looked visibly thinner, dark circles formed under his eyes, and his hair was disheveled, lips dry. He leaned against the rock they usually sat on in their secret spot, watching her as she approached him.
One step in front of the other. She told herself to keep moving until she stood in front of him. He let out a shuddering breath.
"I thought you wouldn't come," said Xavier, his voice hoarse.
She had to battle the dilemma between her heart and her brain the entire day before she understood what she felt more. She let her lips stretch into a small smile. "I just want to know the truth. Will you give it to me today?"
She raised her hand for him in an invitation. He blinked twice at her, as if in disbelief, then walked a few more steps till he held her hand in his outstretched one.
He nodded and said quietly, "Will you believe me?"
She smiled in response.
He led her to the big rock, the mid-afternoon sun partly hidden behind silver clouds. He sat on the edge and looked up at her. Instead of sitting beside him, she sat on the opposite edge and rested her back against his. He let out a sigh but stayed silent for a few minutes.
Just when she was about to ask him, he said, "Before I tell you why I joined the gang or the things that led up to it, I just want you to know that I'm not making any excuses for the things that I've done." He exhaled. "And you're the first person I'm telling this to. I want you to listen patiently. I want you to let me complete."
His words sounded rehearsed as if he'd repeated this in his head several times before they met today.
"It took all of my strength to forget the memories that haunted me before I let myself love you. I don't like what it does to my head. It makes my world black and white and turns my vision red. I'm angry, Giselle," he said quietly. "I'm so angry, and I don't want you to see that side of me."
She didn't know if she was breathing properly. She stayed silent and let him say anything and everything he needed to.
Xavier, getting no reply from her, continued, "I'll understand if you wanna walk away after this."
She gulped. He was stripping his soul bare for her. Did she have it in herself to walk away?
"We used to live in Aquaville," said Xavier. "It's the most beautiful village in Nicoladafus, overlooking the ocean. When we were kids, we used to play in the water all the time as if we owned it.
"Our family was okay, I guess. I loved them with everything I had. My mother was the most selfless woman on this earth. The most compromising. Sacrificing. Beautiful. She took care of us in whatever way possible.
"Anyway, I had a younger sister. Amara." He winced as if her name burned. "I used to protect her even when we were kids. The tourists at the beach used to pick on her. I got into a fight almost every day and came home bloody. I wasn't a match for them by any means, but I had to protect my sister.
"Our parents didn't have enough money to send us to school, but our mom used to teach us everything she could. She'd save up little by little to get us things we wanted. She'd get nothing for herself. I don't think she knew that I noticed that. And my father..." Giselle heard him gulp audibly, "It was about time everything fell apart."
Giselle's breaths quickened. His words came as all over the place as his thoughts probably were.
"I was twelve. He came home drunk one day, which was almost every day of the week. He hit my mom." Xavier fell silent for a few moments. "He slapped her and I saw its imprint on her face. He'd never hit her in front of us before. Or maybe, our mom never let us see the abuse. I don't know.
"That day, when I stared at her, she gave me a small smile. It was my queue to leave them. I took Amy's hand and went into our room.
"They fought that night. Not with words. It's not usually a fight, though, when you are getting beaten up by someone, without even trying to shield yourself." He paused, then exhaled shakily. "He kept hitting her, and I could feel her keeping down the screams so that we wouldn't be affected. But we did. We heard everything. I was so scared. Amy had plugged her fingers into her ears. She was eight at that time, I think. She was confused. Scarred.
"I knew it was different that day." He stilled, then let out a loud breath as he was punched. "I ran out of the room and into the kitchen. I can't forget--" His voice cracked.
Giselle's body shuddered. She got up from the rock and walked around it to the front. She knelt on the grass and looked up at him.
He didn't look at her. Instead, he kept his red eyes on the floor beside her as he continued, "I can't forget what I saw." His face scrunched in pain. "He'd grabbed her by her hair and he--" He exhaled. "He punched. He kicked. She was bleeding."
"Why?" Giselle whispered.
He didn't look at her. "I don't know. What's a good reason to beat someone? Maybe he was asking for the money she'd earned after working odd jobs. Maybe my spineless father wanted it for his addictions. Maybe he was angry she was friends with this Uncle Bobby. I don't know.
"I didn't know what to do..." He looked at her. "You don't know what it did to me! Something snapped inside me that day! No one will ever understand!"
Goosebumps formed all over his visible skin. Giselle's eyes filled up with tears but she tried to blink them away. He looked away again and inhaled deeply.
"Then he pulled out the gun. I took his hunter's knife from the utensils' stand and ran! But I was too late! I should've reacted sooner! He fired the gun and everything went silent. I don't know how but I buried my knife in his back repeatedly. I must have blacked out but... It all happened in a blur! Both my parents were dead before I could process any of it."
He got quiet for a few moments, never once glancing at her. She stared at him, unsure of what she felt.
He continued, "I buried my parents in the cemetery nearby with Bobby. He took care of everything. He said he owed it to my mom. The places she worked at checked in after a few days, but I told them she died of fever, just like Bobby had told me to say. Nobody cared enough to investigate more, so it was all under the rug.
"I don't remember how I told Amy that our parents were dead, but by the time she turned fourteen, all the bad memories were forgotten. Time passed. Bobby took care of us for a few years, then he disappeared." Xavier shrugged. "Still don't know where he is."
Giselle licked her lips, praying that the story ended here.
"I'd saved that knife and the gun. I needed something to protect my little sister with if the time came. I didn't hope for it, though. Because life was good. I'd started working in a restaurant as a waiter. Amy had her friends in her school. It was working out."
Giselle managed a smile. She wanted to meet his sister.
He pursed his lips, stared at the ground for a while, and exhaled in defeat. "Life was good until that one night. We'd thrown a bachelor's party for a friend at the beach that summer. It was gonna be a bit wild. So, I left her home. She told me she'd spend the night studying and that for once, I should just enjoy myself without worrying about her."
His eyes snapped toward Giselle, taking her by surprise.
"When I got back home that night, I didn't find my sister! What I saw was a dead body. Her clothes were shredded. Her skin... She was bruised so..." He squeezed his eyes shut, his body shuddered, and he grunted as if he was experiencing physical pain. "...so..." His breath quivered. "She was bruised so bad that I thought for a moment maybe a fucking animal had attacked her.
"I buried her without a word. The very next day, I got to know who did it. Don't ask me how. You don't wanna know." He exhaled. "It was a group of low-life sons-of-bitches who were visiting my village that summer.
"Humans can be brutal, no?" asked Xavier, a strange glint of madness in his eyes. "The tourists didn't have anything to lose, either, they must've thought. They were going to leave Aquaville soon, they must've hoped."
He shook his head. "Do you know how hard it is for a brother to take his sister in his arms, and lie her down in her grave?" His eyes questioned her.
She shook her head but barely.
His eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm a vengeful person, Giselle. Do you know what I did?"
Giselle gulped and stared into his bloodshot eyes.
"I took the same gun, the same knife, and I made their mothers cry over their sons' dead bodies. I didn't care who was waiting for them to return from their shit tour. Maybe their sisters were expecting them home soon. I didn't care. They had killed mine."
Giselle inhaled sharply. Her eyes filled up with tears, a battle raging within her. He stood up and walked a few steps to maintain a distance.
"I moved from Aquaville. I came here. All of my money was spent in the process," he said, his body shivering with an exhale.
Giselle stood and watched his back, her heart hammering.
"I met Stewart. I didn't have a job. So, he introduced me to his gang. I wasn't in my right mind. I didn't know what I was signing up for. And... Well, you can't leave the gang once you join it. So..."
He fell silent. He didn't say anything. Giselle stared at his back for what felt like a year, not daring to utter a word.
Xavier whirled around, eyes burning with emotions she couldn't comprehend. "When I saw you in that park for the first time," he said, "I got back the reason to live.
"You were just...there. You were reading your book. I couldn't stop looking at you. It unnerved me. I went back to Stewart's house and just slept instead of killing myself. I don't think it was an important moment for you, but when you looked up at me and our eyes met for the first time, and you gave me a small smile, you undid me. You saved my life."
Giselle stifled a gasp.
"I don't know how. I don't know why. All I knew was that I needed to keep visiting that place every day in hopes to see you once more. When I understood the pattern, I'd wait an entire year for you to visit, only so I could steal glances at you for those few days."
He walked toward her and stood when he was inches away. "Then I saw you in that field, but it wasn't your time to visit, and you were crying. I watched you. I knew I shouldn't have. But I knew the pain. So I offered you my hand. You lit up my soul when you took it, Giselle." His chest heaved. His voice dropped to a whisper as he said, "I don't think I can survive if you leave me, especially now that I've held you."
Giselle closed her eyes, the tears slipping down her face, and let out a sigh. She couldn't leave, not when he'd stripped himself bare for her, not when he confessed she was his savior, not when she was his only thread of hope. She looked at him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and placed her cheek on his chest.
"I love you," said Giselle.
He positioned his right hand on her head under his chin and left on her back. "I love you, too. More than you know."
"You swear?" she asked.
"Yeah."
She smiled a little. "If I ask you for something, would you give it to me?"
"I'll give you my life."
She pondered. "Can you... can you leave your gang?"
He sighed as if he expected it all along. "Giselle, I..."
"Xavier, please stop this. It isn't you." She broke the embrace and looked up at him. "Come with me to Phoenix."
"I just told you it's not... It's not possible."
"Can't you try?"
He closed his eyes in frustration. "The magic word 'please' doesn't work with everyone, Giselle."
She gulped.
He took her hands in his and said, "You don't understand."
"I don't want to. You can call me naive if you want. I don't care," she said. "Do you remember your mom's face?" He froze. "Would she be proud of you right now? Is this what she would've wanted you to become?"
He blinked. "I never claimed to be a good person."
She said quietly, "You don't have to be bad, either." He looked down. "Will you leave the gang?"
Their eyes met as he whispered, "Yes."
"Promise?"
"I will talk to Sean."
Giselle hugged him again as she spoke, "Xavier?"
He placed his hand on her head. "Yes?"
"I want one more thing."
His chest vibrated as he said, "Yeah?"
There was silence for a moment before she said, "I want you to meet my father."
...
That evening, when both of them had composed themselves, they sat in a café a few blocks away as the rain tapped on the windowpane.
Giselle sipped her coffee, letting her mind wander. It was as if she was seeing life with newfound respect, finally feeling like she could let go of the grief of her mother's death. I'm blessed, she thought, and I'd make every moment count!
She looked at the man in front of him and took in his appearance. His eyes weren't bloodshot anymore, though they were lined with dark circles deeper than she'd seen before. He stared out the window, his jaw locked.
Her eyes traveled down his body. His black shirt was buttoned up except for the first two. Giselle's sight dropped to his hands that held the cup of coffee his lips hadn't touched. He'd placed both his arms on the table, and the sleeves were slightly pulled up.
Her eyes zeroed in on the scar.
"Are you checking me out?" She heard him asking, a sliver of humor in his words, but she couldn't concentrate. All of her attention was on his arm.
Xavier, probably noticing the direction of her gaze, snatched his hand back, slightly spilling the coffee on the table. He adjusted the sleeve.
Giselle's eyes snapped up to meet his. "Show me your arm."
"It doesn't matter."
"Show me your arm!"
Their eyes stayed locked as he placed his right arm on the table, palm up. Giselle grabbed his wrist, pulled it toward herself, and pushed up his sleeve.
A gasp escaped her lips. "Xavier!"
"I told you it didn't matter." He tried pulling his hand back but Giselle's grip was firm.
Her fingers grazed over the rough skin on his arm. The cuts dug deep and overlapped. Opened. Torn. Sliced. Again and again.
Dark spots dotted her vision and her mouth went dry. She didn't know how long she felt the cuts with her fingertips, how long she started at the marred arm with tears in her eyes, or how long she tried to come up with something to say.
Her throat closed in on her, but she choked out, "What have you done to yourself?" She looked up at him, her vision blurred. "Why?"
Xavier stared at her face with no expression on his. "I needed the pain to leave scars."