"Hold me, I am falling apart."
She woke up panting heavily, as if she had seen a nightmare. Indeed, it was a nightmare, already happened 3 years ago.
Divorce.
Her quivering hands caught the hold of the glass kept on the nightstand, and she chugged in enormous sips. Her forehead was soaked with sweat, the bangs sticking onto it. Her lips trembled as she heaved a tired sigh. The room was dark, the curtains forbade the sunlight.
Her trembling fingers clutched the duvet closer as she tried to hide herself from the harsh reality. The flashbacks cascaded down the memory lane as she whimpered, the tears were brimming her almond eyes.
It had been 3 years now since the divorce had happened but what about the memories, the nightmares, the tears, the feeling of guilt and loneliness? How could she throw them out of her mind?
It was as if yesterday she was laughing her heart out in his embrace, holding on to him tightly. It was as if yesterday she had kissed him, giving herself to him. Oh, how jealous she felt of her own happy memories. And now whatever was left was making her heart churn to pieces, making her feel the pain so closely.
"I wish I was a little more patient. I wish I would have trusted him the same he trusted me..", the incoherent voice echoed in the silence of the turquoise room.
We were so happy back then.
His teary eyes. His sweaty forehead. His trembling voice. His folded hands. His broken heart.
Her heart shuddered at the faint memories. The guilt started to eat her up as she screamed, "GO AWAY! PLEASE STOP THESE VOICE IN MY HEAD!" Her lips quivered, she chewed them dangerously, and soon the blood was dripping off the swollen lips.
Her knuckles had turned pale as she gripped the white satin sheets tightly.
"P-Please leave me alone", she wailed, tears tracing down her milky white cheeks.
She stepped down the bed, her legs had lost their strength, yet she ran towards the bathroom, to wash those thoughts. The thoughts which only had him.
~
The coffee mug on the table witnessed her lonely eyes, staring in the void. Her fingers played with the food while the heart played with the strings of emotions.
Only she knew how tired she was. Tired of pretending to be okay without him. Tired of waiting to get a single glimpse of him.
..Flashback..
"Can I get some more Samgyeopsal? I missed your cooking", he husked, back hugging her.
..Flashback ends ..
His small gestures filled her heart with immeasurable happiness. They had this strength to make her fall for him harder everyday.
She smiled unknowingly but soon it wilted, his last words danced in front of her dreamy eyes:
"You will still visit Subin, right? He still has the right to see his m-mom?"
The pain in his voice choked her.
Those eyes were screaming his pains but that face had a smile. How much he tried to sound calm, his voice cracked up, heart cracked up, his love made it hard but her cold gazes felt satisfied seeing him suffering.
He could lie to the world but she could always read his eyes.
And this time she very clearly saw the hate igniting in them underneath the love.
He was a rich guy, a young CEO with handsome features, a humble man but in the end he was a human too who had a weak heart, who was ready to bear everything, ready to give in for everything only to stay true to his words.
I hate you but please say you love me.
~
The clock struck 10. She was at the office table, collecting some papers to be taken to the meeting room. The hall was silent and she was late, the clicks of her heels could be heard. With hurried steps, she walked towards the room when the heel broke and she lost her balance.
"Can't it get any better? I am already late and now this", she sighed but suddenly felt a hand snaking around her waist.
"W-Who are you?", the voice came out as a whisper but the husky reply sent shivers down her spine, " It doesn't matter, get up."
She stood nervously in front of the door, fixing her dress, fighting with her thoughts. She mustered up some courage and finally knocked, only to hear a faint 'come in'. She twisted the knob, ready to walk in to apologize but froze at her spot, hearing a familiar voice in the hallway.
"Where is the meeting room?"
Her palms began to sweat, a gulp formed in her throat.
And now it hit her why the hands felt so familiar.
She dashed inside the room, with fear dripping down her fingers.
"My apologies sir, this won't happen again", she sat back when she saw the CEO nodding, forgiving her with a slight smile, the dimples evident.
Handsome.
Her thoughts ruptured as she saw the door of the room pushed. The heels of the man clicked against the tiled floor as he walked closer to Namjoon, engulfing him in a hug. His expensive black suit had no crease, his hair were neatly done, the Rolex on his wrist screamed his worth.
"Yoongi, how have you been?", Namjoon purred.
Scared, sad and broken was what her eyes enunciated.
Why does it always go back to where it ends?
"I am good, what about you?", he passed a small smile to Namjoon. She gulped nervously. Wasn't it the same smile he used to pass to her?
"Good. Anyways I called you for something important", Namjoon replied.
Yoongi nodded, taking a seat on the ebony black leather couch, while she was sitting back facing him. He held the glass of water closer to his lips, and chugged in a big sip.
"I wanted to invest in your new branch", Yoongi smirked, pushed back his hair and threw his hand for a shake, "Thank you for accepting the deal Namjoon."
Namjoon cleared his throat, fixed his hair and spoke with a creased forehead, "..But this business is new for me. I have no idea about it. I would be grateful if you help us out, letting us understand some things."
Yoongi nodded in understanding, while Namjoon continued, "We would like to have a 3 month inspection of your work culture, understand our role and then make a move. I can appoint an employee if you give permission."
"Who?", Yoongi purred, narrowing his eyes. His reply was short, making her feel more scared.
"Shin Y/N".
She inhaled a sharp breath, hearing her name. A sense of fear had started to slowly capture her heart. Her hazel blue eyes fluttered as she licked the lips to knock some strength in her. For sure facing her past was going to be tough. Her fingers trailed down the length of her choco brown hair and she stood up with a small uncertain smile on her dried lips.
The beads of sweat collapsed against her forehead as she turned to face him. And just like she had thought, he wasn't very appeased by her presence. Rather, his eyes were laced with pure loathe. His cheeks had a pink hue on them as he tried his best on not burst out of anger. He pinched his nose bridge and slid his hands in his pocket. The tongue poked into his inner cheek as he began speaking, "No."
"Yoongi, I swear to god, it's just for the work", Namjoon put forward a valid point.
"Work or not, I don't fucking care Namjoon. I don't care about anything related to her. Do you think I am a fool to let her step so close again? Let her walk back so easily?"
"Please listen to me-", she had barely spoken.
"You still have the audacity to talk to me? You still got that nerve? Who are you to me? Wasn't it decided that very day that you are no longer a part of our lives?", Yoongi spoke with gritted teeth, pointing his index finger at her.
"It was the past", she murmured, looking at the tiles, fidgeting with her fingers.
"What... did you say?!", he stepped closer, with flared nostrils, the pitch black wrath enveloping his eyes, "You are the past too. Wasn't hurting my brother once enough? What do you want this time? Will you be satisfied only after seeing him dead?!" He pushed her by her shoulder, harshly, and flounced out.
There was pin drop silence in the room before Namjoon called out to her, "Y/N." She was standing there with stunned eyes, the tears accumulated on the brim. The words were so cold that it had frozen her wounded heart. The void her self was facing after the disappearance of Yoongi suddenly started to scare her. But she couldn't let anyone else witness the tears of her regret.
She tucked a hair strand behind her ear and titled her head to look at Namjoon, "I need to use the washroom." Her voice was rough and hoarse, but she was still smiling, a painful smile, hiding in it millions of emotions.
Namjoon nodded, understanding the delicacy of the situation and let her walk out.
~
"I didn't expect him to hate me so much", she slightly laughed, wiping the tears that had started to pour like the summer rain, staring at her reflection in the mirror. But they were endless. She gasped for some air to be pushed through her dried up lungs and plunged on the the floor. Her lips were drawing in tightly as she hugged her knees and started to choke upon the tears.
Crestfallen, she had realised she had lost something very dear, just to quench the thirst of revenge.
These harsh words weren't new to her, she had been served way too many in the past. Even crueler. But encountering something like this after so long, she just couldn't hold back.
For months, the gnawing grief had kept her awake at night, crying for hours, without being able to voice out her thoughts. She felt extremely lonely, pathetic and selfish, drowning in the depths of misery. Sometimes she would just sit in the dark, staring at the pictures of her past, and sometimes she would just overwork herself to the extent that she had no time to think about the good, bad old memories.
"Jungkook-ah, do you hate me too, even after promising never to?", she sniveled, staring at the floor with teary eyes.
After what felt like a century, she rose up to her trembling feet and gaped at the wrist watch, 1.56 pm. Her stomach grumbled with hunger, making her chuckle in annoyance. She minced closer towards the faucet, pulled out her makeup kit and began fixing the smudged face. But her eyes had the tired vision. They didn't seem excited for anything, rather they reflected the pain of her heart she had been wanting to convey for the past 3 years. It was true, without him she was nothing but a speck of dust.
She prayed every day for the past to turn into an ugly nightmare so that at the end of the day she could still crawl back to him, but if only her wish was ever granted.
They broke each other, they made each other tragic.
She pressed the lips into a tight line, fetched out her phone and groaned in frustration before dialing a number, "Are you free? Let's meet."