TW: Suicide
The week went by so quickly! Ilang araw nalang ay makakabalik na si Scor at makakasama ko na siya ulit. Miss na miss ko na talaga siya! Half day lang ako ngayon dahil may event sa office. Mas pabor naman sakin 'yon dahil makakapag unwind din akong mag-isa sa wakas. Nakalista na nga mga gagawin ko ngayong araw eh. First, I have to go show my car some love. Ang tagal ko nang hindi napapa carwash ang baby kong 'to eh. After that I'm gonna have a long me time at the spa. And then I'm gonna get some groceries for the house. Para maipagluto ko din si Scor pag-uwi niya sa isang araw.
Malapit lang sa office iyong carwash kaya nakarating din naman ako on time. Mayroong tatlong kotse na nililinis nang dumating ako. Kumaway sakin iyong isang tao doon at ibinaba ko naman ang salamin sa driver's seat.
"Hi ma'am! Carwash po?" Bati sakin nong isang lalaki na naka uniform at naka sumbrero ng logo ng carwash.
"Oo kuya. Saan ako pwede?" Tanong ko.
"Doon nalang ma'am." Tinuro niya 'yung bakanteng space sa dulo.
Tumango ako at dahan dahang inapakan ang gas. I-pinark ko nang maayos ang sasakyan at kinuha muna ang mga gamit ko sa kotse para ilagay sa bag. Chineck ko muna kung may naiwan ba akong importanteng gamit at nang ma kumpirma kong wala ay lumabas na agad ako.
"Ma'am magpapa wax din po ba?" Tanong ulit ng lalaki.
"Oo kuya."
"Sige po, bali i-vacuum ko nalang muna ma'am tas lilinisin ko muna yung loob. Ginagamit pa po kasi yung hose eh pero patapos na po 'yan." Aniya.
"Sige kuya okay lang. Dito muna ko sa coffee shop, patawag nalang ako." Tukoy ko sa katabing coffee shop nila na sa tantya ko ay iisa lang naman ang may-ari. Ang galing nilang mag-isip ha? Perfect.
"No problem ma'am!" Sumaludo sakin si kuya tapos tumalikod na siya at binuksan ang kotse. Nakikita ko naman na nag-vavacuum siya sa harapan. Matagal na din akong dito nagpapa carwash kaya tiwala na din ako sa kanila.
Pumasok na ako sa cafe at umorder ng iced latte. Hindi pa naman ako gutom kaya kape lang muna. Mamaya nalang siguro ako kakain bago mag grocery. Inilabas ko ang phone ko at nag scroll lang sa Facebook at Instagram. Maya maya ay kinatok ng boy ang salamin ng cafe kung saan ako banda nakaupo. Sumenyas siya na parang pinapalabad ako kya dali dali akong tumayo at lumabas.
Natanaw ko na tapos na siyang mag vacuum at nagsisimula na ding sabunin ng kasamahan niya ang kotse ko. Nagtaka ako kung bat ako tinawag.
"Ma'am. Okay na ho, malinis na yung loob. Tanong ko lang po kung ito pong papel sa kotse, itatapon na po ba?" Itinaas niya ang hawak niyang papel.
"Anong papel kuya?" Nagtaka ako. Wala namang kalat sa kotse ko. Minsan ko na nga lang sakyan iyon dahil palagi akong hatid sundo ni Scor.
"Ito ma'am oh." Inabot niya sa akin ang puting papel na nakatupi.
Kinukha ko iyon at iniinspeksyon. I unfoled it and was shocked to see a handwritten letter. The paper looked so old and crumpled on the sides. What is this?
Lola,
Mula pagkabata, kayo na ho ang kasama ko. Maraming salamat po sa pag-aalaga at pag-mamahal sa akin Lola. Alam ko pong marami kayong pangarap para sa akin. Patawarin niyo po ako kung hindi ko na iyon matutupad. Hindi ko na po kaya. Hindi ko na po kayang bumangon sa umaga at harapin ang mga pag-subok. Hindi ko na po kaya ang pambababoy na ginagawa sa akin ni Tiyo Jojo. Walang araw na hindi niya ako binaboy. Nag-bunga ang pambababoy niya sa akin. Gusto kong tumakas. Wala akong malapitan, wala akong mapagsabihan dahil tinatakot niya akong papatayin niya tayong dalawa kapag may nakaalam. Lola, huwag niyo pong sisihin ang sarili ninyo. Alam ko po na kahit matanda na kayo ay nagtatrabaho pa din kayo para buhayin ako. Hindi niyo po kasalanan na wala kayong alam sa nangyayari. Pero Lola, pagod na pagod na po ako. Ayoko na po dito. Lola, kapag nakita niyo ang katawan ko, ipalibing niyo ako at magpakalayu-layo kayo. Huwag po kayong masyadong malungkot sa pagkawala ko.
Isa lang ho ang hiling ko sa inyo. Pakisabi po kay Scor na mahal na mahal ko siya at patawad. Huwag niyo po sanang ipaalam sa kanya ang dahilan kung bakit ko ito nagawa. Mas lalo lang siyang masasaktan kapag nalaman niya na hindi siya ang ama. Gusto kong alalahanin niya ako bilang ang babaeng minahal niya. Kasama nitong sulat na ito ang kaunting pera na naipon ko. Gawin niyo itong panimula ng bagong buhay malayo kay Tiyo. Mahal na mahal ko kayo, Lola. Patawad.
Cheska
My tears started rolling down on my cheeks as I finished reading the letter. It felt like a bucket of cold water just gushed all over my body and I felt so weak that my knees started to shake. Hindi ko na kinaya at nakatulala nalang akong sumalampak sa sahig. Sumagi sa isip kong isinakay ko nga pala ang lola ni Cheska sa kotse ko nung nakaraan para ihatid siya. I remember she has this old rugged body bag. She must've dropped this here. Oh, God! Has she been holding this with her for years?
"Ma'am! Ma'am! Ayos lang ho kayo? Anong nangyari ma'am!"
"Pare si ma'am tulungan niyo!"
"Miss! Ayos ka lang?"
I can hear their voices echoing but for some reason, it felt like they're talking from afar. I sat there, stunned and unable to answer their concerns. I gripped the paper so hard that it became more crumpled than it already was. This isn't a dead person's suicide letter. This is a cry for help. There are a million thoughts that came running through my head and it felt like my head's gonna explode. Gusto kong mag react pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. It was a lot to process and when I finally made up my mind, isang tao kaagad ang pumasok sa isip ko.
Oh, Scor. You poor man.
Tumayo ako at pinagpag ang puwetan ko. Hindi inalintana ang kumpol ng mga tao na nakikiusisa kung anong nangyari sa akin. Namamanhid ang mga kamay at pisngi ko. Nanginginig pa din ako kaya inalalayan ako ng mga bystanders doon.
"K-kuya. Kailangan ko nang umalis."
"Pero ma'am hindi pa ho tapos!" Sigaw ng isang nagka carwash.
I marched towards my car, almost running. Wala na kong pakialam kung may sabon pa ang kalahati ng kotse. Tumunog iyon nang i-unlock ko mula sa remote ng susi ko. Sumakay ako at dali daling inistart ang kotse. The wheels made a sound when I backed up and pressed the break suddenly. Bumwelo ako at tuluyan nang umalis sa carwash.
Habang nagmamaneho ay tinawagan ko si Scor. Automatic na nag connect ang cellphone ko sa bluetooth ng kotse. Matapos ang ilang ring ay sumagot siya sa tawag.
"Hey babe! You called?" Masayang aniya.
My heart started to ache as I heard his joyful voice. I have no idea if he knows so I thought I had to think straight.
"Hey! Just checking in. Kamusta?" May voice was shaking but I tried to make myself sound normal.
"Eto, miss ka na." Humalakhak siya. "Uuwi na ko bukas, nasan ka?" He asked.
Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago sumagot.
"Kakagaling ko lang sa carwash. Bilisan mo umuwi. I miss you." Sagot ko habang lumilipad ang isip ko.
"You're driving?" Bakas sa boses nito ang pagkainis. He's alway like this. Always so worried. Pero hindi dapat ako ang alalahanin niya.
"Yes."
"Tsk. Sinabi nang 'wag mag cellphone habang nagda-drive eh. Tawagan mo nalang ako ulit mamaya." Galit ngunit may pag-aalalang aniya.
"Fine. I'm sorry. Mag-ingat ka diyan. I love you." Sabi ko.
"I love you too babe. Drive safe." Sabi niya at saka nag end ng call.
I swallowed the lump on my throat and tried to think more clearly. It was starting to hurt. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko bang maiyak sa nalaman ko, kanino ako magsusumbong? Kanino ako mag-sasabi? Is this letter even real? Sinulyapan ko ang papel na iyon na ipinatong ko sa passenger's seat. What was I supposed to do with it?
Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, Scor thought that he was the father of Cheska's baby. This was years ago. He also told me that he fell into depression when he knew about Cheska and the baby. Tinimbang ko ang sitwasyon. Ano nga ba ang masakit? Ang malaman na nagpatiwakal ang kasintahan mo dala dala ang anak niyong dalawa? O ang malaman na kaya na iyon nagawa ay dahil inabuso siya at nagbunga pa iyon? Shit! This is so fucked up!
Losing someone over suicide, it wasn't as easy at we thought it should. We blame ourselves for not seeing a sign. Iniisip ng mga taong naiwan nila na may magagawa pa sana sila kung nahalata nila. I'm sure my love's been blaming himself for what happened until now. I understood that more now that I knew. Pero ano nga ba ang pwede kong gawin sa ganitong sitwasyon?
Hindi rin ata ako makakatulog knowing that the person that did this to her is out there having a life. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, kakagaling lang din ni Jojo sa kulungan but not because of what happened. He got convicted because of drugs. I could only imagine what Scor, Cheska and Lola had to go throught while that man doesn't even have and ounce of regret. He's and incarnate of evil.
I have a lot of information on my hands but something is still missing. Hindi ko pa man nabubuo ang plano sa utak ko pero alam ko na kaagad ang dapat kong gawin. Jojo needs to pay for what he did. The people that loved Cheska shouldn't be the one blaming themselves. The only way to let her go fully and have the closure that they need is for the suspect to get acquitted. I'll make sure of that.
"Clint... I need your help."
"What is this about?" He impatiently asked.
It's a friday afternoon. I'm sure he's finishing up something at the office. Pero wala naman akong ibang maisip na lapitan.
"I'll tell you but you have to promise me not to tell Scor about this."
Bumuntong hininga si Clint.
"Fine! I won't tell. Ano bang nangyayari? Are you okay?" He asked.
"No. No, I'm not..." Sagot ko at saka sinimulan ang pag kukwento simula umpisa hanggang sa dulo. Wala akong iniwang impormasyon.
"Phew. That was a lot to process, Tosca. Sigurado ka bang ayaw mong ipaalam kay Scor 'to?" Tanong niya.
"I'll tell him when the time is right, Clint. You know Scor for a long time. I'm sure you knew how much he suffered when Cheska died. Ako ang dapat magsabi nito sa kanya so please, don't tell him just yet." I pleaded.
I made it into Scor's building. I parked the car quickly and grabbed my things. Knowing everything sure made me feel paranoid. Tumingin muna ako sa paligid bago sumakay ng elevator. I had to make sure that no one's following me.
"What do you want me to do, Tosca?"
"I need you to find where Cheska's buried. I need a lawyer and a personal investigator."
"Tosca, if what you know is true, hindi ito bssta basta. You're putting yourself in danger." Aniya.
"I know, Clint. That's why you have to help me. I need to stop this madness." Sagot ko.
"Fine. I'll call you later today for updates. Mag-iingat ka, Tosca." Aniya.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating sa condo nang tuliro. My mind was fucking clouded and I wasn't in a good state. I'm surprised I managed to get home safely. Hindi ko na nagawa ang mga dapat kong gawin. I completely forgot about it to be honest. Saktong pagpasok ko ng unit ni Scor ay tumunog ulit ang cellphone ko. That was Clint calling!
"Clint! Did you find it?" I asked.
"Tosca, Cheska's burried at Heritage Memorial Park. I was there on her burial. Pamilya nila Scor ang nag-ayos ng burol at nagpa-libing kay Cheska. I forgot where exactly there but you can ask the people there."
Tumango tango ako sa sinasabi ni Clint at muling kinuha ang bag at nag-sapatos. One second I was going home, the next thing I knew, I was driving to the cemetery.
"I forwarded your number to a friend. He's a PI. He can help you. Couz, kung sigurado ko na talaga dito. Wala akong magagawa. Just please be safe and call me if anything goes wrong." Minsan ko lang makita ang pinsan kong mag-seryoso. Sino ba namang hindi magiging seryoso sa ganitong paksa? This is not something to joke or laugh about. Sometimes, I forget that me and my cousin is all grown up. I can really count in him especially on times like thi:
"Got it. And Clint? Thanks again. I owe you big time." Sabi ko bago ibaba ang tawag.
Alas kwatro y media ng hapon ako nakarating sa sementeryo. Itinuro sa akin ng isang empleyado doon kung saan nakalibing si Cheska. Thank God Clint sent me her whole name kung hindi ay baka isa isahin ko pa lahat ng nakalibing rito.
Maria Franchesca Mariano
Born: March 27, 19xx
Died: August 4, 20xx
"So... We finally met." I said as I read her grave.
Bumuntong hininga ako. Emotions began flooding my system and I got too overwhelmed. I can't believe I'm here!
"I don't have anything to offer you." My voice cracked as I talked to the wind.
I remember it was a pleasant day, it was sunny. But all of a sudden, the sky went dark. It started to become gloomy, the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed.
I scoffed and I started to laugh a little even when the tears are starting to form on my eyes.
"You know, I've always wondered what kind of a woman you are... How will I ever know?"
She didn't have the chance. She didn't have the chance to become the woman that she's supposed to be. Pasikip ng pasikip ang dibdib ko at palalim na din ng palalim ang pag hinga ko.
"Did you do this? Did you want me to find the letter and know the truth about your death? God, what am I supposed to do?" I frustratingly looked up in disbelief. I can't believe this is happening to me.
"I came here out of impulse. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ang dami dami kong gustong sabihin pero ni hindi ka nga buhay para makinig. Why? Why did you do this to yourself?" My voice broke down as my tears started to fall.
"Scor loved you so much, but you left him. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong mag-pasalamat o magalit sa'yo." Humikbi ako habang nakayuko sa puntod niya.
"Yung lola mo, palagi niya akong tinatawag na apo, I've seen your photos. I know how much we look a like. She's in so much pain that her health is continuously deteriorating." Hindi na ako makahinga sa sobrang iyak ko. Pero ang nakakatawa doon ay hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.
"You shouldn't have left them without closure but God! I can't blame you. You— you, didn't deserve what happened to you. I'm so sorry..." The thunder rolled again, louder this time.
"Alam kong hindi ka pa natatahimik dahil nakakalaya pa ang may gawa sa'yo nito. But I promise you, I'll do everything I can to make him pay. I'll make sure he'll pay..." Inilabas ko ang rosary sa bag ko at tahimik na ipinagdasal ang kaluluwa ni Cheska. It's the least I could do for now.
Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Galit ba ako? Nasaktan ba ako? Nainggit? What? Naaawa ba ako sa kanya? I don't fucking know!
Then it hit me, it wasn't jealousy, envy or pity that I felt for her. It was grief. And then I felt this enraged resentment to the person that did this to her. She could've had a wonderful life ahead of her. And frankly, if that's the case then that's okay with me. I would choose that a hundred times even if that means that they would probably end up together and Scor and I would never have had a chance. I felt sorry for her because she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to die like this. No one does.
A/n: Hello guys! Sorry for the long wait. TTIHAY has 50 chapters plus Epilogue. So malapit lapit na tayo sa end. 5 chapters nalang. Wala munang special chapters hehe. Thank you all for sticking with me! Baka tapusin ko muna ito before I continue writing Elite Wars! If you like the story, please vote and leave a comment below! :)
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Xoxo