'i want to unfold. i don't want to stay folded anywhere, because where i am folded, there i am a lie.' rainer maria rilke.
season 1, episode 1
wolf moon
Dusk peaked as the Degrace girl sat on her porch with only the porch light illuminating above her. Shadows overtook the neighborhood as Neviah battled her thoughts. Mal ditched her. Malikai Alexander ditched Neviah. Fifteen minutes before he was supposed to pick her up, he texted her saying he wasn't going to the party anymore. After spamming him with questions to explain, he gave a vague answer of: "Something came up." Thirteen miss calls and about two hundred text messages later, not a single word was communicated back.
Neviah exhaled, watching the air become visible then disappear. She sat in the cold with a zip-up jacket being her own shield from the weather. Her legs were left undefended due to her dark blue dress being mid-thigh length. Lydia texted her saying Jackson and her were only a few minutes away - that was ten minutes ago. Seems like everyone is unable to tell time.
It only added to Neviah's souring mood. She didn't even want to go to the stupid party. She would have much preferred to stay home and do work, or do someone if anyone was available. Though, her emotions didn't quite reflect physically. She curled the thin jacket closer, finding a growing lump in her throat. She let out a shaky exhale and closed her eyes.
Neviah was mad, it boiled her core, keeping her insides warm against the cold. Yet, as the feeling radiated outward it shifted into something she could only label as sadness. It all could be sourced back to disappointment - an emotion she knew all too well. She opened her eyes, inhaled and forced everything back.
Tracing the source distracted her mind from furthering into a dwindling rut. When you find the cause of your issues, it is easier to deal with it. You could understand it better and best it, taking control and snuffing it out.
Disappointing festered into anger, which with a mix of letting her thoughts conjure their own ideas led to sadness. She knew one way to snuff it out. She just needed to wait and those emotions would fade with the help of liquor. They would drown and never surface again.
Two bright lights illuminate the street. A Porsche pulled up as the passenger side window rolled down. "Let's go, Nav!" Lydia said with annoyance dripping from her voice. And here was the reason she was going to the party.
Lydia begged her a few days earlier to go, saying it would be fun. She mostly convinced Neviah to go so she would have a reason whenever she wanted to get away from Jackson.
Just a few minutes, she told herself with another inhale. She stood up, flattening her dress. "Don't be a bitch, Lyds."
Lydia stepped out, refusing to make eye contact but Neviah knew it would be a hard glare. Neviah lived twenty minutes away from her and the party was ten minutes away from her house. She was pissed she had her extra thirty minutes taken from her that she could've used to get ready, despite having the perfect outfit. She didn't say anything.
Muttering a greeting to Jackson as she crawled into the backseat, Neviah noticed the already tensed air. Her sudden call wasn't the cause. Whatever that was going on between Lydia and Jackson was starting to annoy her. They made rooms tense and awkward, constantly walking on glass shards.
Neviah observed their changes. Lydia spared more frequent glances at other guys and that would spark flames in Jackson, yet the impulsive jock never acted. She stopped pushing to find out the truth, mostly because she didn't care that much about their relationship. It occurred over a party during the summer, she didn't think it would ever last long.
She huffed, leaning back into the seat. Jackson stared at her through the rearview mirror, staring as if she was a piece of meat. He stared for a lengthy second, eyeing the slit of her dress. Lydia pressed her lips flat. "You look nice, Nav."
"It's Neviah to you, Jackson," she responded plainly, not missing the fact that Lydia tensed her shoulders when Jackson spoke then dropped them at Neviah's response.
"Right."
Crowded, restless air. Pre-party moments were supposed to be fun. Filled with gossip, hyping each other up and pre-gaming. But no, instead Neviah was left to have her thoughts being the only solution to the silence. She should've walked, that definitely would have been more fun than this.
Her phone buzzed. Greenburg. How he got her number was beyond her, Neviah gave up trying to figure him out a long time ago. He sent a photo of him and his cousin, both holding Neviah's two favorite drinks.
unknown
hurry ur ass up before its gone
neviah
text me the drinks i missed
so i can catch up when i get there
unknown
ur down 3!
༻❁༺
Bitterness ran down her throat, scratching her throat in a painfully good way. Neviah's nose scrunched as she swallowed. A 'Woo' escaped her as she opened her eyes again. The small group of popular kids cheered with her, downing their red solo cups as she did. She had caught up with them and more at this point of the night.
"That was the last one!" Neviah told the group with an aching smile. Her mouth numbed after sometime, maybe between the fifth and seventh drink.
Greenburg groaned, throwing his head back. "It's barely eleven, Neviah! At least two more."
The other four teenagers agreed as Greenburg poured another round of shots. They had already gone through three rounds and a few larger doses. They looked to Neviah for an answer, begging with their eyes for her to say yes. They followed her lead.
She sighed, taking her cup and tapped it on the counter. She drank it quickly and raised it. "Another!"
They cheered, and another became two more, then three, then beer pong. The teenagers drank the bitter sweet poison, allowing it to taint their mind with a mist that seduced them like a lover into loosening their control. It was quite convincing. Like a little devil on their shoulder that told them they would get what they wanted if they listened.
And they did.
They drank, they danced. They flirted, they had sex. They forced everything down with liquid that couldn't be frozen, only for it all and more to rise up again the following day. Dealing with the devil came with side effects.
Neviah, however, had a regular's discount with the devil and his deals. It forced the side effects to enact slower, giving Neviah time and a tad more control than the others (from an outsider's point of view, she could have easily been seen as incredibly drunk). But, the discount came with its own side effects.
The heightened desire for more.
Her fingers laced in the raven locks of a girl a few inches shorter than her. Her name was Delphina. Her doe eyes were enchanting. They called for Neviah across the room, spilling every want that she wanted that her mouth would never let her express.
Neviah knew Delphina from school. The half-Japanese girl with hard working parents and a twin with his own problems. She followed Neviah's clique, always there at Lydia's beck and call. She even hosted this party because Greenburg's parents suddenly came home. All because she wanted to be popular. Well, to be seen was what she really wanted. And Neviah could see her perfectly tonight.
Her eyes fluttered as Neviah pulled back from the heated kiss. Lust overwhelmed her eyes, fueling her body. The closeness of their bodies let Neviah know how that feeling impacted her heart. The organ pounded on her ribs. It almost had the capability of shaking her whole body.
They met eyes and Neviah's inebriated mind wished to lean in again. It wanted her to do whatever Delphina would allow. The desire for more. She found the taste of her lips interesting. Peppermint and vodka. Peppermint always reminded her of the winter holidays; her favorite and least favorite time of the year. And vodka was always favored year-round.
But, before she could go for another taste, an obnoxious sound stopped them.
"Neviah," Lydia shouted over the music. The redhead crossed her arms, glaring daggers at Delphina. She was drunk, but no matter how much alcohol was in her system, she was still scared of Lydia. She scurried away, off to hide herself from further embarrassment.
Neviah pouted, waving goodbye. She turned back to Lydia, still pouting. "You didn't have to send her away, Lyds!"
"Do you know how many drinks you've had?" Lydia asked, tilting her head. Her attitude from earlier still lingered and projected onto Neviah. It tainted the mood.
Neviah opened her mouth to answer, she looked up, racking her brain for the number. Somewhere between one and one hundred. "Nooo, but that doesn't mean you send away a nice girl!." She smiled widely, taking a sip of her drink. "Like, incredibly nice."
"You're drunk," Lydia whisper-shouted, snatching away Neviah's drink. She whined, reaching for the cup. Lydia handed it off to some guy, who cheered at the free drink. She grabbed Neviah's hand. "Come on, I'll have Jackson take you home."
Neviah pulled back, still holding Lydia's hand. "I'm not...going home," she said, stretching her speech out. "I came here to have fun. Maybe, you should try it for once, having fun."
Hurt darkened in Lydia's blue eyes. Neviah knew all the buttons to press for her - and basically, every other Beacon Hills student. Just one of the many necessary information kings needed.
"You're just embarrassing yourself, Neviah. Letting people see you like this is going to go bad."
Her words didn't penetrate Neviah's mind. Her walls rose up and stayed sturdy as they were hit with demeaning words. She smiled. "We're at a party, no one here gives a fuck if we're drunk and dancing."
The only girl in the world by Rihanna sounded, followed by cheers and teenagers getting recharged to dance their heart out. Neviah looked down at Lydia with excitement. "Dance with me."
Before a response could leave her mouth, Neviah led them closer to the speakers and started to dance. After a few pleading looks, the music took over the two girls the moment they started to dance. As it did for the other teenagers in the room. Their bodies yielded to the music, allowing each beat to conquer their developing minds. Pure teenage excitement exploded from each and every one of them. In loopy, wide smiles, freedom expressed its cause. A single night of fun, erased the multitude of days of bad.
And then, it was just them. It was just Neviah and Lydia. It must have been the alcohol. How easy it warped her mind. Neviah tilted her head down to Lydia, forgetting who she was. She bit her lip, flickering to the blue eyes that stared intensely to her brown ones. Fear.
Neviah stepped back as the song ended. She smirked as Lydia continued to gaze at her. "I knew you had it in you to have fun. We should try it again-"she gasped as an idea came to mind-"after I get another drink!"
Spinning on her heels, Neviah maneuvered towards the liquor. Lydia called out to her to stop, but her voice drowned under the music. Her path was disturbed by two odd teenagers with worry and fear being their only emotional state.
"Have you seen Scott?" Stiles asked, shouting over the music.
"Why would I know where Scott is?" Neviah giggled, gaining Harley's attention. "Maybe, he's with Allison. Having lots of fun...naked."
Harley rolled her eyes, turning to her friend. "If he hasn't caused a scene yet, he must be fine." Stiles hesitantly nodded with a frown.
"Well, if you two nerds are done, you're in my way of trying a bourbon and vodka mix, so," Neviah hummed, waving her hands for them to part and let her pass. Stiles listened like a puppy, while Harley crossed her arms and stepped in front of her.
"You're drunk, you don't need to drink anymore."
Cute, Neviah thought. "Didn't know you were my mother. Where've you been the last ten years?" she asked, trembling her bottom lip. Harley narrowed her eyes. Neviah's games were never fun enough for her. "Oh, right... Now, move."
Reluctantly, Harley did. The Degrace found herself back where it all started; with a drink in hand, drowning her thoughts as music and inebriated teenagers were tuned out.
There was a person in the window, standing in the backyard like a creep. The douche in the leather jacket. He watched the teenagers dancing some feet away, where Neviah couldn't see. This time he was close enough for her to get a better look. Pale face, dark eyes, and light eyes. She knew those eyes. Neviah jerked in confusion.
In a blink, he was gone.
She pushed the plastic cup, letting pops send her into a trance. Was that really D-
"I think it's cute you still think drowning yourself will make me go away," a voice mused beside Neviah. A condescending laugh echoed, stinging Neviah's chest. No.
She pushed the plastic cup again.
"Hm? Are you ignoring me? It's not nice to ignore people."
The cup squeaked as Neviah's grip tightened. Music and inebriated teenagers quieted, yet it appeared as if everything was the same. They danced, speakers vibrated, lights flashed. The world continued.
"I bet Harley wouldn't be ignoring me."
Liquid fell onto Neviah. Her hand forced the blue cup to succumb under her control. The voice giggled as it faded and everything around her increased again.
Neviah huffed, tossing the broken cup into the trash and grabbing a paper towel. Her clothes were dark; she didn't care if there was a stain, only that it looked like her breasts were leaking.
She faced away from the crowd and rubbed the area. The more she did, the more it spread. Like everything else in the world, it annoyed her. She pushed harder with another paper towel.
Then, everything changed. The stain wasn't an alcohol stain anymore. Her hands were caked with dirt. Clothes soaked from the rain, allowing the dirt to become mud and ruin the fabric. Each droplet slammed into the Earth, making a musical piece. It wasn't real.
Neviah squeezed her eyes. Cups scattered around the granite counters. Stains from the drinks and meal preparations embedded into the counters, making it its own. Music blared and color-changing lights flashed. This was real.
Right?
"Hey, Nav." A hand placed on her shoulder, turning her slightly. Malikai stood beside her wearing a hoodie, and dull eyes. He looked as if he was the personification of tiredness.
"Lookie, it's the liar!" the voice stated with a child-like tone, returning beside Neviah. 'Liar' was muttered repeatedly by multiple voices. She ignored them.
The girl flinched. "What're you doing here?"
He glanced at Harley, who stood at the island, watching them. "Harley called me. Let's go home, okay?" He kept a steady eye contact with her, moving his hand to hold hers. He did it to keep her focus on him.
"I, um, have to get the stain," she explained, reaching for the paper towel.
Mal grabbed her other hand. "There's no stain, Neviah." She looked down. Her clothes were spot-less. Her breath picked up. He gave her hands a squeeze, gaining her attention again. "Let's go home."
"No," the voice started. There wasn't a playful tone in their words anymore. "You don't have a home, remember? It's gone."
Neviah looked to the spot the voice came from. There was no one there, yet she knew the person who would've stood there. She could imagine them as clear as day. But, they weren't there, and Neviah knew that. She looked back to Mal.
"Okay."
༻❁༺
and again, for such a short chapter, so much happened.
ive always wondered what my fics are like to readers because i already know what's gonna happen and sometimes it still shocks me.
anyway, about this chapter. if the last part was confusing, neviah does have psychosis. which, if you dont know, is a mental disorder characterized by a disconnection from reality. straight from google.
ive done a lot of research of psychosis, but that doesnt mean im an expert, so please if I put something in my fic that is wrong or straight up harmful, tell me. i will 100% fix it.
also please refrain from calling neviah crazy in moments like the one at the end. thats super harmful.
okay, thats all. please leave your thoughts, ideas, theories or random comments so i know if you guys like the fic so far.
thank you for reading, we are finally out of episode 1.