Visiting the aquarium was the closest experience Rose and Lloyd had had to an extended family outing. Despite her irritation with Miles in the car she could see that Helen and Nathalie were looking forward to their trip and it seemed churlish to spoil that
Miles had hogged Lloyd, clearly revelling in pointing out all the fish to his son and watching his reactions. He had several times placed his face close to Lloyd’s cheek and tenderly stroked his head and kissed him. His interaction with his son confirmed to Rose that if their split had never happened Miles would have been every bit as devoted a Dad as she had expected he would be.
When a shark had swum overhead, slid up stealthily to Nathalie and opened its mouth right in front of her face Nathalie had screamed and backed off so fast she almost knocked Miles over. Lloyd had shrieked joyfully at what he thought must be a new game and started bouncing up and down in glee and they had all ended up almost helpless with laughter, reliving Nathalie’s terror and embarrassment and Lloyd’s infectious laughter. Helen had managed to capture the moment on her camera and when they all crowded around to look they started laughing all over again, Nathalie’s look of terror was like something straight out of a disaster movie.
As it approached mid-morning they took a short break in a rest area for Lloyd to have a bottle of milk and Helen and Nathalie wandered off to the gift shop. Miles was desperate to feed Lloyd himself but Lloyd was grizzling a little for his Mum. With an inward sigh and suppressing her irritation that yet again it seemed that she always had to be the one to make the compromises, Rose directed Miles to sit back in one corner of a sofa and get Lloyd comfortable.
She then sat next to them and handed Miles the bottle. Lloyd grabbed it and started sucking whilst his dad put his hand under it to support the weight of it. However, Lloyd kept his eyes fixed anxiously on his Mum and she leaned up close to Miles so that she could maintain eye contact with Lloyd, smile at him and make soothing baby talk.
At one point Lloyd took a short rest from his milk to smile broadly at his Mum. She smiled back at him and Miles also turned to look at her, briefly scrutinising her face before saying to Lloyd.
“Son, you have a very beautiful mother, you stare at her all you want. When you feel like a bit more milk just tug on my hand, ok?”
Rose felt her face colour.
“Miles!”
“What?” Miles answered, in mock innocence. He smiled at her.
“You are the most beautiful woman I know, it’s a fact.”
At that moment she so badly wanted to just lean further into him, feel his arm go around her and pull her in close to him. She wanted to just lay her head, now, against his chest and feel his heartbeat. It was so damn long since she had been hugged and loved by him, so long since he had spoken to her kindly.
Thankfully Lloyd stopped what might have been as quick a descent into tears for her as had happened the first time she had met Helen. He started up a loud wail.
“It’s ok, he’s just tired,” Rose reassured Miles.
“He was up early this morning and it’s probably time for a nap, he always grizzles before one, I call it his “Last Hurrah!””
She flattened the bottom of his pram and Miles laid him gently down on his back, covering him with his fleecy blanket. Rose gave him his dummy and after a few more wails and a bit of tossing and turning, he was fast asleep, both his arms up around his head, his favourite sleeping position.
His parents watched him for a few minutes, mesmerised. Miles relaxed back into the sofa first and before Rose knew what was happening, he had clasped her left hand in his right one, threaded his fingers through hers and lifted it to his lips. He gently kissed her fingertips and briefly rested the back of her hand against his cheek, nuzzling against it. Then he returned her hand to the sofa still entwined in his and stroked her fingers and the palm of her hand with his thumb.
But when he turned to look at her, Rose didn’t trust herself at first to return his look; she was scared that her face would betray her and expose her need to be enveloped in his arms and feel his mouth on hers, so she dropped her eyes. But she allowed him to keep hold of her hand.
Eventually Miles huskily called her name, encouraging her to look at him.
“Rose?”
Rose shook her head; she still didn’t trust herself to speak.
Gathering all her self-will, she removed her hand from his and looked directly at him.
“Thanks for arranging this; Lloyd has had a great day.”
“And you?” he asked quickly.
Rose paused and resumed eye contact with him. The pause became tense.
“I’m glad that you’re making a genuine effort to bond with Lloyd.”
“But?” Miles asked quietly.
“I still have no idea why you left us.”
“Lloyd may only have been a three month old foetus, but he was as much your son then as he is now and you walked out on both of us. So tell me, why I should continue to fall in line with this pretence of yours that nothing has happened and that we are just one big, happy, extended family?”
Miles moved a little closer and made as if to reach for Rose’s hand again but Rose pulled it swiftly out of his reach and enjoyed seeing his eyes flinch at her rejection. Good, let him have a tiny taste of how he had made her feel all those months ago.
“So, when am I going to find out what happened to make you leave us? And when are you going to have an honest and up front conversation with me about your intentions towards Lloyd?”
Miles sighed and rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.
“Look, I know we need to talk but please not here, not now. I’d prefer somewhere less …..well, less public.”
Rose gave a short laugh and shook her head in disbelief. She kept her voice down but could feel her anger start to swell.
“Less public! Why should I care about your privacy? When you left me you were hardly discreet about it. I had a pack of paparazzi, the worst kind, camped outside my flat for days. You all but called me a slut publicly; you denied that LLoyd was yours.”
“I had clients pulling out of my business on a daily basis, did you know that? I had to fire two of my staff because my contracts and my sponsors were drying up so fast. Don’t bother trying to convince me that you didn’t realise exactly the impact your actions had on my family, my friends and my clients”
“The only way I could keep my business afloat was by working 14 to 16 hour days. At a time when I should have been taking it easy and making the baby my priority I was so tired that sometimes I fell asleep before getting to my bed. Then I’d wake up at 5am and be violently sick before starting all over again. When I was hospitalized for dehydration and anaemia, did you give a shit about your son then?”
Rose stopped. Her anger was getting the better of her. She had said enough, although God knew there was plenty more she needed to say.
Miles had dropped his chin so that it almost rested on his chest and his eyes were closed. His hands rested palm down on his thighs. When Rose stopped talking he didn’t move for what seemed like an age. When he did open his eyes and looked directly at her, she was shocked at the raw emotion she saw in his face.
“Rose….I…” He stopped, as if gathering his emotions.
He continued to speak, quietly but determinedly.
“Leaving you is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I will never forgive myself for the way I behaved. It was cruel and the way in which I did it was vicious …..deliberately so. I wanted to hurt you as badly as I could and I truly believed that Lloyd was not mine. I know you will find it hard to believe, impossible maybe, but when you describe to me what you and Lloyd went through it makes me feel sick to my stomach.”
He paused again and Rose could feel her heart pounding, she had not expected this, she had not expected a contrite Miles. But she was also shocked that he admitted he had deliberately set out to destroy her life – what the hell had she done to deserve that? And why had he believed Lloyd was not his?”
She started to ask, but Miles held up his hand to stop her.
“Please hear me out.”
“I understand your impatience to find out my reasons for leaving you, but I’m not in a position yet to fully explain. It’s a big ask, but I need a bit more time. I want to spend as much as I can of the rest of this week with you and Lloyd, and then when I’m back from the States, you and I will need some time together, alone, so that I can explain what happened.”
“You asked about my intentions towards Lloyd, well I want Lloyd to have everything that’s good in life. For me that means having a loving mother and father, as you and I have had. I want to work out with you exactly how we manage that. Before I realised what a mistake I had made when I left you I had intended to fight for full custody….”
Rose stiffened and Miles continued quickly,
“Please, I’m being completely honest with you now, I have no intention of trying to take Lloyd away from you, and I just want to work out with you what’s gonna be best for all three of us.”
Rose said nothing. She didn’t really know what to make of what Miles had said. But she had another question he might give her a straight answer to.
“What was it that made you contact me, now, after all these months?”
“I saw the photo of you and Lloyd in Pink! I knew immediately Lloyd was my son.”
“But I sent you ‘photos of Lloyd, when he was first born and a month, two months and 3 months old. Didn’t you see the resemblance then?”
Miles blew air sharply out between his lips.
“I’ve never seen them.”
Rose started to protest and Miles raised his voice slightly.
“I know that you sent them, I’m not saying I disbelieve you it’s just that I only found about them last week. They had been intercepted and hidden from me.”
“What?” Rose looked incredulous.
“Who would want to do that?”
“I don’t know yet. Bill Campbell is helping me find out exactly what’s been going on.”
Rose was thoughtful. Mile’s admission of regret for what he had done was a facer. She hadn’t been expecting it. She decided not to probe any more, but would hold Miles to a meeting date as soon as he had returned from the States.
“When are you returning to California?”
“Probably Sunday or Monday. I’d like to spend a few hours each day with you and Lloyd for the rest of this week if that’s ok?”
Rose nodded. “I don’t want to keep imposing on Delma, so probably its better if you come to my flat the rest of this week. Nathalie will be there some of the time. Your mother knows she is welcome any time too. But I will have to plan my work from home, so I need to know when you’ll be turning up. Can you text me this afternoon?”
Miles agreed, “Sure. Send me a text to the number I gave you and I’ll respond.”
Nathalie and Helen returned with a giant balloon in the shape of a fish for Miles plus a t-shirt and cap. The Aquarium was starting to fill up a little so they all decided to make a move for home. Rose saw Helen giving her and Miles some anxious glances, she must have sensed that they had had some kind of confrontation. Miles had gone very quiet.
In the limo on the drive home, Miles sat next to his mother and Nathalie sat next to Rose. Lloyd slept all the way home, just coming awake as they reached the flat. Rose could see that Miles was reluctant to leave Lloyd but she was desperate for some time to think over what he had said, so did not encourage him to come up. He left promising Rose that he would text that afternoon.
He was as good as his word and by the end of the afternoon, they had agreed that Miles would spend a morning or an afternoon of each day of the rest of the week, at Rose’s flat. In the meantime, she caught up with the office, made phone calls and answered emails, constantly mulling over what Miles had said.
At 9.30pm, Lloyd had been fast asleep for a couple of hours and Nathalie was working on a project for college. Rose had a long hot shower and poured herself a glass of wine intending to call Delma for a quick catch-up.
Her ‘phone pinged to alert her that a text had arrived.
It was from Miles.
“I love you Rose…will you forgive me?”