K E N Z I E
"Who's Kaiden?" Oh right, how could I forget Vanessa has no clue about that whole situation?
"Some guy that Alyssa told to rape me. It's cool now though, he had been dealt with a while ago."
"Oh, he better be fucking dead." She replies.
"He is." I sigh.
"Good. I hope you're okay."
"I am." I lie. With everything going fine between me and Nolan, I can't stop thinking about the deal with Kieran. He still hasn't called which is a good thing but I'm afraid that any second he will.
And that second is right now..
"Oh shit. My mum is calling me. She probably can't sleep." I once again lie, I can't really tell her that her brother is calling me.
"Hm okay. I'm going to go sleep now, yeah. I'm really tired." She yawns and rubs my back before heading back to her bedroom. Or Chase's.
I run back into the backyard, picking the phone up before it ended. I could ignore his calls but I won't get anything from it, it's better to pick up.
"What?" I quietly say even though I'm outside.
"Hey. My day was amazing, thanks for asking. What about yours?" He sarcastically asks. I'm not in the mood for his sarcasm.
"Get to the point."
"Where are you?" He asks.. why does he want to know?
I'm not going to tell him that me and Nolan are together again, maybe he still doesn't know.
"Why?"
"I haven't seen you in a while."
I have a fucking boyfriend. Unfortunately I can't say that out loud though.
"Okay? I don't care. Is that it? Are you done?"
"Your attitude stinks."
"Kieran. Are you fucking done with saying what you wanted to do? Because if you are, please tell me so I can end this call."
"How's my sister and cousin doing?" Ah shit. He does know. I was really hoping he didn't but what was I expecting? He knows everything.
"Alright."
"Don't know how I feel about you trying to keep something from me when I specifically said not to but I won't do anything. I like you a lot so I'll let you off just this once, lie to me again, you won't like what I'm going to do. Deal is on again."
The call ends right after and I have nothing to say.
Maybe if I didn't think about Kieran calling me so much, he wouldn't have. I've jinxed it and I'm so fucking mad.
Fuck the deal and fuck everything. I'm so tired. I just want to be happy with Nolan. I want to be happy in general but everything is literally falling apart. Doing what I did with Alyssa felt good but it only lasted a bit.
"Kenzie. It's 4am, what are you doing out here?"
Thank god, he only just came. What if he had heard the whole conversation? I kind of wish he did but bad things would eventually happen.
"I couldn't sleep." One of the things that I live by is that if you're someone who will continuously lie, I don't want you to be in my life whatsoever. And I am not proud to say I'm the biggest hypocrite I know.
"It's freezing out here, come inside or something. Don't hang around here in the backyard." I turn to look at him, he is literally shirtless.
"I'm wearing a long ass shirt and you're not wearing a thing. Why do you think it's freezing?"
"Okay but if I wasn't shirtless, it wouldn't make a difference. I'd still be cold so come inside or I'll drag you in there." I would so much rather have him drag me inside than just go by myself. What if I never get to experience something like that with him ever? Considering the fact that the deal is now on again and there is not a thing in this stupid universe that I can do to prevent mine or Nolan's heart from being shattered.
I doubted if Nolan would even care if I broke up with him but after everything that has happened so far including the whole party situation, I am really, really sure he would care if we did break up. I don't know if he would be as hurt as I'll be but I know he is going to care. At least, a little if not much.
"Can you drag me inside?" I ask while yawning. My god, I am tired as hell right now. My eyes are starting to burn due to the lack of sleep in my system.
He gives me a weird look but doesn't hesitate at all coming to stand right in front of me.
"Get on my back." He says as he turns his back to face me and I instantly feel better as I climb onto him.
"You're so warm." I mumble as I shut my eyes close and lean my head on his shoulder.
"I know." He replies and I slowly close my eyes while on his back.
- - -
Staring at the ceiling is a habit I've grown to dislike intensely. Every time I find myself in that position, my mind is immediately flooded with thoughts, and I begin overthinking uncontrollably. It worsens my feelings about things, and the lack of control over these thoughts has turned it into a bad habit over the past couple of years, magnifying every negative aspect of my life. The sensation is something I've despised for a long time and still do.
I am exhausted. Physically and mentally but I don't and cannot sleep. I did sleep though for a good amount of time but it was not enough whatsoever. Closing my eyes isn't helping me fall asleep again for some reason and my eyes are burning like hell.
"Thought you'd be sleeping for much longer." He speaks from behind me.
"Me too but I'm so tired." I stretch, moving my body so I can face him.
"Then sleep."
"I can't. Why do you think I'm awake right now?" I reply to his stupidity.
"Never felt like that. How can you be tired and not be able to sleep?" He asks, looking up at the ceiling as I stare at his side profile. This thought crosses my mind all the time, how have I pulled Nolan? I don't understand.
"I don't know. Maybe sometimes because you're so stressed, it stops you from falling asleep." I'm saying that because I know I can relate. I am so stressed, it's going to drive me crazy.
"Are you saying that because you're stressed?" He asks, looking at me now.
"Nolan. I need to tell you something." It's not that I don't want to tell him I am stressed. I will, if he asks again though but I need to tell him this.
"What?" His tone has changed, as if he knows that what I'm about to tell him is not going to make him happy.
"I was awake for a while last night and I kind of went down to the basement." I hope he doesn't get too mad, at least I'm telling him the truth.
"Okay." Huh? Okay? Is that all I get? I mean I'm not complaining but that is definitely really surprising.
"Is that it..?"
"Yeah, I don't really care what you do. Kill her, take my shit, wear my clothes or whatever, I could care less."
"Well she's dead." I lie, wanting to see his reaction. If he's being for real, he won't really have much of a reaction but if he's not, he'll lose his shit.
"I'll get someone to deal with her later. Can we sleep for a bit longer?" He grabs my waist, pulling me on top of him. I don't think he wants to actually sleep.
"I was lying, I didn't kill her. But I did do something to her."
"And I'm proud of you. Can we sleep now?" He smiles.
"Do you wanna fuck me or go to sleep with me?" I straight up question.
"Both."
"Pick one." I'm down for either but I can't even sleep.
"I'd much rather fuck you."
"But it's too early in the morning." I have never fucked anyone around this time. It's only 9am.
"So? Sex in the morning reduces stress and makes you happier than you already are. It'll benefit both me and you a lot."
It will actually benefit me and him a lot. Even if it didn't, I'd still be down.
"Mom is calling, gotta pick it up." I look over at the night stand to see my phone vibrating.
"Okay. Talk to her and then we can fuck after." He gently presses his lips against mine and I get off him, picking up my phone and walking out of the room.
"Good morning, mom. Is anything wrong?" Calling me this early in the morning is a bit unusual.
"Yup. I just wanted to talk to you." She replies.
"Do you want me to come over? Or nah."
"Yes please."
"Now?"
"Yes. If possible though."
"I'm on my way." I end the call, walking back into the bedroom.
"I'll see you later, okay? I have to go see my mom, she wants to see me. And her birthday is tomorrow, I haven't told you that yet because I forgot to but now I am." I quickly put my sweatpants on along with a graphic tee.
"What are you doing for her birthday?" He asks, sitting up on the bed now.
"Nothing much. We don't have any family around here so I guess we're going to keep it small. I'll take her out or something." I reply. It's tomorrow and I do not know where to take my mom.
"Throw a party. Here."
"Thanks for the offer but hell no. My mom doesn't like big crowds and I am definitely not having her come to a party with a bunch of people she doesn't even know." And I don't really know if I'm over what happened last time, we threw a party.
"Are you mad? I'm not going to make you bring your mom here to celebrate her birthday with a bunch of random people. Just make it a small celebration between us and your mom." That's a good idea. I want my mom to meet all the guys. She'll love them and she'll definitely love Vanessa too.
"Hm. I'll take it in consideration." I smile, giving him a two second kiss.
"I'll miss you." I don't know how many times Nolan has said this to me but whenever he does, it makes me want to cry and explode into a million shredded pieces of paper.
"I won't be gone for too long." I grin, leaving the room feeling a little sad knowing I won't see him for a while. If this is how I'm going to feel for being away from him for a few hours, how the fuck am I going to manage the rest of my life?
"Someone's awake bright and early." Theo walks past me, going downstairs as I realise I haven't even brushed my teeth or washed my face. No wonder I feel so weird.
I enter back into Nolan's room, going into the toilet as I glance at him sleeping. Already.
When is this all going to end? I know wishing death upon on people is a bad thing to do but I can't help myself from wanting Kieran to die so none of this has to happen. He's powerful as fuck and that's what is stopping me from doing anything about it. Or about him. He can end me whenever he likes and as he claimed to say, he can end Nolan too.
I don't want that to happen but I hope before the time comes when I have to break Nolan's heart, I come up with a solution to stop it from happening. I need to think, hard. It's not going to be easy to come up with something to stop this all.
There is so much I can do to stop this all but there is more of chance that it fails than it won't fail. And I don't know if I'm ready to take that risk. The best thing really though is to just accept it. Accept the fact that I'm really not going to be able to be with Nolan as long as I want. Sometimes things don't go the way you want them to.
It's my fault. I'm the one who ended up liking him more than I had originally planned.
Stop thinking about this, Kenzie. When the time comes, just do it and get it over with. There is nothing you can do to change things, this is how it's all going to have to end. Shut up and go home to your mom.
My thoughts are really my worst enemy.
- - -
"You feeling better, hm?" I take a seat on the couch next to her and ask. She looks alright, not sick at all. But again, she is good at hiding things from me. I don't like when she does that.
"I feel amazing. Doesn't even feel like I have a disease." She smiles, showing off her teeth. I love my mom, she's always been positive. No matter what.
"Your birthday is soon." I mention and her face slightly drops. My face does too. Why is she reacting like that?
"I know but let's just keep it simple." She suggests.
"Yeah mom, that was my plan all along. I want to take you out somewhere, just me and you. Then, we can go back to Nolan's. I want you to come and meet everyone there. You'll love them, it's only a few people."
"I'd love to, Kenz. But isn't that too much?"
"Too much? No, not all. Everything's okay, right? I thought you'd be much more excited or have more of a reaction." She's acting really different, right now. I can't seem to tell why though.
"I am, honey. Just don't want you to be stressed or anything because of me." My mom has never given me a reason to be stressed in my entire life. Recently, it's the leukaemia that's been in my thoughts along with everything else but I know my mom is going to fight it off.
"No, never." I smile.
"When's your little vacation to Lyon with Nolan?" I have completely forgotten about that. I don't think he's going anymore, it's been nearly a week when he last mentioned it to me. And he was suppose to leave ages ago for it. Maybe I'll have to remind him about it.
"It got delayed." I lie.
"Well, go there quickly. You don't have long left till this break ends and school starts again." I only have one week and four days left till school starts again.
"We might not go at all. We were thinking about summer, we'll be able to stay there longer too." Her face drops again. I only just mentioned summer, why would her facial expression change?
"Alright, something is up. Your face keeps changing in a bad way. What's going on, mom? And please don't lie to me." She's still going to lie to me. I know my mom.
"Oh no, nothing! I was just hoping we could go on holiday together during summer but if you're not able to then that's fine." Oh. My. God. I feel so bad.
"Really?! I'd flipping love that more than anything. I've always wanted to go on vacation with you!" Seriously, that just made my day. I'd do anything to spend a good few days in another country with my mom, just us being happy with no worries in the world at all. Summer is perfect for us, she's doing amazing too.
"Glad you want to, hon. Anywhere you want to go, we can!" She exclaims and I am laughing from all the excitement building up in my stomach.
Right after graduation, I'm pretty sure me and Nolan will be done. My plan is to break his heart right at that day and go away from NYC forever, taking my mom with me. I won't have to deal with the fear of seeing him again and I'll be able to have a fresh start somewhere else. Somewhere I don't get reminded of him all the time.
"Mom. Since, I'll be done with school, don't you think we should leave everything behind here? And just move far away from here."
"You're being for real? Because I've had that in my mind for a long time now, I was waiting for the right time to tell you because I thought you'd be upset. Knowing you'd have to leave Nolan and all your friends behind too." Dreading for that day to come, I know for a fact I am going to be so upset.
"What country do you have in mind then?" I ask, kind of glad we both want the same thing.
"I want to visit my family in Poland but I don't want us to stay there forever. If we do come to a conclusion that we really will take this big step, we can start from Poland."
"Completely fine with that." I say, resting my head on her shoulder.
Dozing off to my overthinking again, I really have to stop. I will never forget last year, everything was perfect. I had such good relationships with all my friends and I rarely spoke to Janice and Nicole. They didn't even bother me then as much as they have this year.
Comparing my life last year to this year, it has completely fallen apart. Good things really do not last for long. I have to get that into my thick skull and live like that. I can't always be happy, something bad will happen eventually. All you have to do, is get used to it. And I haven't. But hopefully, soon, I'll be use to it.
My goal is to achieve a completely different mindset towards the end of summer. I won't have any contact with anyone here and I'll be a completely different person. Nolan won't even even cross my mind, no one will and I'll have no one to worry about but my mom. She will be doing much, much better by then.
I mean who knows? Maybe then I'll have a boyfriend I can actually happily be with.
No one is ever going to replace Nolan.
My thoughts really need to shut up. That's not true. I can't be still into him by then.
I don't realise my mom is asleep until I hear her breathing lightly. Maybe she didn't get any sleep last night, that's not good for her. She isn't taking care of herself at the moment and I'm not going back home till her birthday is here. I'll stay here for the whole day and spend the night here too. Tomorrow, I can bring her home with me.
Me: Not coming home tonight. Mom isn't taking care of herself and I need to be here for her, I'll come tomorrow morning with her since it's her birthday.
I text Nolan, letting him know.
Nolan: Okay. Do you need anything?
Me: No, not really. I'll see you tomorrow then, don't miss me too much.
Nolan: The day hasn't even begun, I just woke up. Ima miss you like hell.
Me: ❤️❤️❤️I'll miss you!!!!
Randomly while I'm texting Nolan, a notification from Kieran pops up. Reading it, I open the message right away.
Kieran: Got info on the people from the party.
Me: What?!!!!?
Kieran: Seems like it might be my own family or Nolan's.
Huh?
Me: Who do you think it is?
Kieran: Honestly, think it's Kenny.
Me: Is he not your partner in crime? Why would he do that behind your back?
Kieran: He's full of surprises.
What a dickhead? He failed to be a good dad to his kids while they were younger and instead of redeeming himself from all the pain he put Nolan through, he's trying to hurt him? Not even hurt but possibly kill him or me.
I leave Kieran on read. I have nothing to reply with since I pretty much have my answer. Though there's literally nothing I can do. It's not like I can just pull up to Kenny's massive house and kill him. I'd probably end up getting shot in the head the second I step a foot into his house.
But it is better than not knowing at all who shot Chase.
Me: Is it cool if I tell Nolan who did all of that at the party?
Kieran: Sure if you can come up with an excuse without mentioning me at all.
Never mind. I'm bad at coming up with excuses. I'd end up exposing and ruining everything if I tried so it's better if I shut up and plus I'm sure Nolan will end up finding out himself at one point.
Me: Whatever, I'll just keep my mouth shut. Thanks Kieran for finding out & letting me know.
Kieran: Anything for you;)
Me: Shush.
-
I have so much stuff to catch you guys up on because I am writing this story after four freaking months and I went through so many chapters today, trying to change and improve things. I didn't change too much but in some chapters I did.
Especially "safe and warm in his arms." I think that's what the chapter was called but I have changed a lot in that towards the end.
I am aiming to finish writing this story before or literally on the dot 23rd february because that's the date I started writing this story.
Currently, it's unpublished but I know for a fact that this story would have a mad amount of reads if I had kept it on.
I NEED TO change my username too because I'm scared of people finding out about this account and my story.
Anyway, hope you're enjoying this story so far and I am currently writing this on the 14th feb aka valentine's day
Thanks for reading guys. I love you all <3
take care
-s