I had spent the last two days searching. Looking for ways to make my dear fucking ex-boyfriend regret our break-up.
But I hadn't found anything.
In the end, I didn't even know if I wanted him to regret me or what he had done to me. Maybe both?
What was certain was that I was mad at myself. For what I had let him do to me. Because my heart was breaking more and more every time I thought about him, about what he had done. I was mad at myself for loving him and being afraid that I could never stop.
But I was even more mad at him.
And that's what kept me looking for that one thing that will break him.
Without any motivation, I went down the stairs.
Standing in front of my closet trying to figure out what I was going to wear to please him was a habit. So when I had put on the first outfit that came my way and didn't spend all morning trying on different eyeliners, it wasn't just obvious, it was palpable.
I had no reason to put a thousand efforts on my makeup or to try to match my outfits with someone. Especially when my someone wasn't mine anymore. Not that he's ever been.
I was not neglected though. A beige sweater, dark brown baggy pants and my Dr. Martens. Hair tied in a ponytail. A line of mascara and a little concealer. And here I am.
"Need a ride?"
I wasn't surprised by my brother's unusual attention, but I didn't expect it either.
Another detail I had forgotten to mention. Every morning when it came to taking me to class, it was Ethan who did it. The perfect couple with the perfect habits. Just an illusion, a perfect little and dirty lie.
I guess after our last conversation, he wouldn't bother picking me up this morning.
And what disgusts me the most is that part of me longed that when I opened that door, he would be there. Asking me to forgive him, begging me to take him back. And even then, another part of me would be willing to forget everything. For me, for him, for us.
"Yes, I'd like to. Thanks."
"No prob'. Grab your stuff, let's go."
I may have taken much less time than usual, but Harry preferred to be early. And he always was. Every time Ethan came to pick me up, my brother had already left. I always wondered if it was to avoid running into him or just to be there before everyone else.
I took my bag that I had packed the day before and left next to the coat rack and put on my long beige wool coat. Now I had my dark academia look!
As I opened the door, turning back to my brother, I saw him throw something at me. With a reflex that amazed even me, I grabbed what he had thrown across the room.
A banana.
For a moment, I thought it was a bad joke. And in terms of dirty mind, I was pretty good. But then I remembered who had thrown the fruit at me. Harry was far too serious and overprotective towards me for that kind of joke.
I looked at him, while interrogating him with a glance.
"You have to eat in the morning. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."
Seriously?
"You're not serious, are you?" I exclaimed while throwing my hands up to the sky.
"What? It's true. You have to eat something nutritious. Especially if you're going to see that asshole."
"So I can throw up on him better?"
"I love the way you think, Em'"
The little laugh that escaped me still resonated in me as we got into my brother's car.
A Mercedes-Benz CLA-Class. White. Tinted windows. No scratches.
To my brother, it was a jewel. To me, it was his jewel. I knew that one scratch on the paint and I would die at his hands. He would probably strangle me in my sleep.
Harry had bought this car when he got his license a year ago. He had worked in cafes as a waiter and had done odd jobs here and there for two years to afford it. One thing was for sure: now that he had it, anyone who messed with it was dead. In fact, he was worse than dead.
As I tried to get into the front passenger seat, I thought I would collapse from happiness. The leather of the seat was so comfortable that if there weren't only a few minutes between the school and our home, I would have fallen asleep straight away, without waiting a second longer.
That night, my sleep had been limited to two short hours. And for the last two days, I had hardly slept at all. This was not by choice, but by necessity. I kept tossing and turning in my bed without stopping to think about Ethan, so I had decided to simply spend my nights drowning my thoughts in my books. Romance and fantasy. And I kept going and going until my eyes burned out and my mind gave out on me.
So I was inevitably exhausted. Physically and mentally.
The car's engine started, as I put on my seatbelt. And just as we were pulling out of the driveway of our house and the scenery was starting to flash by my window, Harry's voice echoed through the car.
"I'd rather warn you."
Oh, oh. This was not looking good.
"When we get there..."
I turned my head toward my brother, curious as to why he had stopped in mid-sentence. The movements of his head, from the road to me and from me to the road, confirmed me that he was trying to find his words as much as he was trying to find my gaze. But he only did that when he wanted to make sure I was calm which meant that what he was about to tell me could potentially piss me off..
"How do I say this?"
"You open your mouth, formulate the words, and shut it. There's really nothing complicated about it."
"Luke will be here when we get there." he said sharply.
Holy shit.
I was wrong. Everything was complicated. Nothing was simple when I heard this name.
"Wow. You're a quick study, aren't you?" I said wryly with a hint of annoyance in my voice.
"You asked for it. The only time I tried to say things right, you have to open it with your lame sarcasm."
And on top of that he judges my sarcasm! I can see why he wanted to make sure I was calm.
"Luke, you say?" I said, and that name burned my lips.
I tried to change the subject to calm down, but when you go from a sensitive subject to an even more sensitive subject, calming down becomes impossible.
"Yeah. He'll be there, as usual. So if you want to avoid seeing him, and honestly I think it's better for everyone if you both stay apart from each other, then don't follow me down the halls."
My brother and his buddies - like I called them all the time - were always together. Every morning, they would all meet in the hallway near their lockers. And strangely enough, that was where everyone went 24/7.
"Two things." I began irritably. "First, what makes you think I'm going to follow you until you're with them? I have my own friends so there's no reason."
"And secondly?"
"Screw you."
"May we know what I did to deserve such nice words?"
"No, we can't."
You said his first name. That's what you did.
Luke.
No. No. No.
This is no time to be thinking about that immature and stupid asshole.
Outside, gray clouds had covered the sky and anyone could have predicted the arrival of the rain. The cold was coming through the window, making me shiver despite my coat and sweater. On the sidewalks, people went by one after the other. Some were taking their dogs for a walk, others were taking a stroll before the bad weather locked them in their homes.
But the ones who annoyed me the most were couples. A storm was threatening to come at any time and there they were, smiling and holding hands. It wasn't really those people that pissed me off. They hadn't done anything. What annoyed me was that a few days ago I was them.
And who knows? Maybe this woman's husband had been seeing someone else for years, maybe this old couple was hiding all sorts of things from each other, and maybe these young parents were going to divorce, leaving the child who held their hand alone forever.
Suddenly, I felt the car stop and when I looked around, I saw that we were parked in my brother's usual spot.
Getting out of the car, while being careful not to forget my bag, I closed the door behind me.
I could have walked forward, entered the building that stood in front of me. But what was standing on my left, facing my brother's car, was just waiting to be damaged.
A Porsche 965 Turbo.
The car's flawless black paint was intact. As well as the interior visible through the clean windows. This car, whether you knew its name or not, was everyone's dream. And it could have been mine. But not when I knew its owner. Now it was my nightmare. I no longer dreamed of driving it, but of destroying it.
"Don't even think about it."
And Harry had a way of shattering my dreams.
"A tiny little scratch. Honestly, it's no big deal."
"Luke will kill me if he finds out. He'll say I should have stopped you. And the worst part is, he'll be right."
Like my brother - and surely like every person on this planet - Luke cared about his car like it was the apple of his eye. But unlike Harry, he didn't have to work day and night to pay for it. His parents had taken care of it.
I have nothing against his parents. My only problem is their son.
"You just have to leave."
"Em'."
Harry's tone left me no opportunity to debate.
So I followed him inside the building with disappointment. He threatened me for a few seconds, telling me not to touch that damn car, just before adding that if I ran into my ex, I had the choice between killing him or killing him. How to choose? After repeating himself several thousand times, he left me in front of the entrance of the building, placing a kiss on my forehead.
Classes would only start in about twenty minutes. Yet the hallways were already crowded. This made me realize how used I was to arriving at the last moment.
I headed for my locker, dragging my feet behind me. I wanted to be almost anywhere else except here. At any moment, he could walk past me, his new girlfriend hanging on the end of his arm and everyone would understand.
I didn't really care what people thought. I only value the opinions of those I care about. And when my ex will show up holding hands with his new girlfriend, I won't mind the stares. If people's only business is to know about my life, so be it. Let's give them their dose of drama.
But among those looks, four concerned me.
First of all, there was my brother. The one who had been comforting me and trying to get my mind off of things for most of the weekend and yet was likely to truly see the pain I was feeling as soon as I would see them.
Then there were my two best friends. Lauren and Helen. I hadn't told either of them what had happened. Not because I didn't want to or because I was ashamed, it was because I didn't have the strength. But I knew that whatever happened today, they would find out.
And the last look. Two emerald green eyes that would be considering every inch of me, just before those lips would give off a smirk.
As I reached my locker, I unlocked it. And then, what I saw made me freeze on the spot.
I had totally forgotten about the pictures hanging on the locker door. I had forgotten about the damn masculine smell in there just because his two hundred dollar cashmere sweater was folded in the corner of my locker. I had forgotten that he was everywhere.
As I unwillingly took another breath of the perfume, I pulled out all the pictures one by one. The ones where we were smiling and especially the ones where we were kissing. To my surprise, as I removed them, I realized that the most present pictures in my locker had been pictures of him. Of him alone. Without me. I had put up all the pictures I owned of the two of us, but I still had more of just him. Pictures that I had taken, where he had posed.
Pitiful.
This man didn't love anyone but himself. He would rather have his girlfriend take pictures of him posing than take pictures with her.
And the worst part was that I had enjoyed it, without even realizing the fact that I was just his photographer.
I looked at that sweater for a long time. There it was, perfectly folded, waiting for its owner's return and filling my locker with poison. I hesitated. Should I give it back or throw it away?
I took the sweater and, still holding the torn photos of us, I headed for the trash can. As I let go of this stuff, I felt like I was putting part of my life in this trash can too. And the good it did me was so fucking real.
Walking back to my locker to get ready for my next class, I realized that no one had paid any attention to me. Good.
History and math sheets, French and Spanish notebooks and-
"You've never been this well dressed before."
I gasped, shutting my locker door curtly to see who had spoken to me.
Lauren.
Her dark hair waved over her shoulders and her brown eyes scanned me from head to toe. Dressed casually as always, Lauren lost none of her beauty. On the contrary.
"I almost had a heart attack, I swear."
"You aware that you need a heart for that to happen?"
"Ha. Ha. Ha."
Lauren and I were a long story. But it was also by far my favorite. Because there had never been a single moment of sadness, anger or betrayal. Everything was beautiful.
"Oh and besides, why are you here so early?"
"My brother dropped me off."
"Wait what? So he's here?" she said, fixing her wavy hair.
She also has a huge crush on my brother. That was part of the story too.
I glanced behind her and to my surprise, none of the boys were there. The spot where my brother and his friends met every morning was empty. Yet Harry had told me he was going to join them, right? So where is he?
Now that I think about it, he headed in the wrong direction earlier.
"Well, it doesn't look like it." I replied, pointing to their usual spot.
Lauren let out a disappointed sigh that told me how upset she was that she couldn't see my brother.
"But now that I think about it," she began redirecting all her attention back to me. "Why wasn't it Ethan who dropped you off?"
That name. Over and over again. Was he ever going to stop hurting me?
"I'll explain everything when Helen gets here."
"Is it that important?"
"Let's just say I'd rather not repeat myself."
I had said that last sentence with more bitterness than I would have liked. But Lauren must have understood my annoyance because she didn't mention my sudden bad mood and just told me about her vacations in Italy and all the guys she had met there.
For me, the holidays had come down to those last two eternal days of sleeplessness, drama and books.
Avoiding this thought, I listened attentively to Lauren. Unfortunately, it barely lasted two seconds.
My gaze caught something - or rather, someone - that captured my attention. All my attention.
"It looks like your wish has been granted." I said to my friend, stopping her in mid-sentence.
I felt her glare at me, probably angry that I wasn't listening to her anymore. But her eyes followed mine and the gasp she let out startled me. I don't know if it was seeing my brother or who was with him that caused this reaction, but in any case, it was legitimate.
In the spot that had been empty five minutes ago was now standing the whole crew.
The difference is that two of the four guys were accompanied.
On one side stood Liam. Worst playboy ever - except maybe for one exception. And apparently, he had between his arms his new "girlfriend" of the week. A pretty redhead with freckles. She was cute, I had to give her that much at least.
Then, Alexander. The shy type who, unlike his friend, was serious about relationships. At least, that was the impression he had always given me. So when I saw him trying to chat with a girl with beautiful blonde curls, I could only be happy for him. But there seemed to be an obstacle. And that was the girl herself.
Practically glued to my brother, she was eyeing him and the asshole next to him, while ignoring Alex.
That pretty much explained Lauren's reaction.
Usually, I didn't have any prejudices about people. But when I saw this blonde girl touching my brother's arm with her manicured right hand and playing with a strand of her hair with the other, all while staring at him and laughing for absolutely no reason. In this case, not having any prejudices was hard. Especially when my brother was clearly uncomfortable, trying to push her hand away and avoiding looking her in the eye.
As for the asshole in question, he continued to observe the scene, a smile on his face. Out of the four guys, he was the one who knew my brother best. The one who knew how much Harry hated being hit on. Deep down, I knew he would put an end to this mess, just as much as I knew he would first have fun by savoring the moment.
And nothing would stop him from enjoying it.
I was the nothing in this sentence.
Putting my bag on the ground, I untied my hair to make myself look less serious.
"Keep it for me, will you?" I said, pointing to my bag.
And before she could say anything, I was running to my brother.
As I rushed into his arms, I felt him flinch. He wrapped his arms around me to steady himself. My arms went around his neck and I hugged him tighter. From the outside, I looked like a loving sister who wanted her brother's attention. Exactly the effect I was looking for.
"Wow. Easy, Em'." said Harry, his voice a little choked.
I suddenly realized that I was probably choking him and potentially killing him. Hastily, I stepped away from him so I could look him in the face. And to my relief, I saw in his eyes that he was fine.
"Sorry, I just missed you too much."
I put on a really stupid smile, just to make myself look like a giddy little sister. To be honest, I probably was one.
"We saw each other fifteen minutes ago."
Great, Harry, thank you. Please continue to ruin everything.
I swear this is the last time I try to help him.
"Yes, but I really, really, really missed you." I said in a high-pitched voice to emphasize the silliness of my expression.
Coughs were made on my left. I didn't even have to turn my head towards the blonde to know they were coming from her.
"You're kind of a nuisance." she said, looking at me from head to toe with a disdainful look.
From her point of view, I had just ruined all her chances. From mine, she never had any.
"Oh, really?" I answered in the same tone to show her that I knew how to be nasty too.
I moved away from my brother to face her completely.
"Yes. So get out."
I see.
Our dear little blondie didn't know who I was. New, maybe? In any case, she thought I was trying to steal my brother away from her. Which is as disgusting and as it is illogical since they don't have anything to do with each other.
"We don't need a little bitch around here." she added with a smile almost as fake as her.
Behind her, I saw Alex turn pale and even Liam, who hadn't stopped talking to his girl, turned around in astonishment. But what concerned me most was Harry. I could feel how he had just tensed up at these words and I could feel the anger rising in him. The only one whose reaction I could not see was the one behind me, but I could guess the smile that he was certainly wearing.
The tension that was created was palpable. And I knew that if in the next few seconds I didn't say anything, my brother or even Alex and Liam would eventually tell her what they were really thinking.
"I totally agree with you." I replied. "So back off."
The proud smile on Liam's face was exactly the same as the one I was wearing right now.
The girl in front of me looked at me with two big eyes, mouth wide open. Then she turned to my brother.
"You're not even going to defend me?" she said, pretending to be hurt. "That little slut insults me in front of you and you have nothing to say! You—"
My brother cut her off, without waiting for her to finish her sentence.
"First of all, that little slut, like you say, is my sister, so if I were you, I would shut up." His eyebrows were furrowed and I now knew that this girl had just ruined his mood if not his day.
"Secondly," he continued annoyed as hell "I met you only ten minutes ago and in that amount of time you've managed to piss me off and insult my sister, so no, I won't help you. And you can consider yourself lucky that I'm not going any further than that."
She looked at us one by one, always with the same expression on her face. Then, with her eyebrows furrowed, she left.
I sighed out of exhaustion. Girls like that had a way of killing me mentally.
"Always a pleasure to see you, Em'." said Liam with a small smile on his lips.
I gave him a friendly smile, putting my tiredness aside.
"Wish I could say the same about you."
He placed one hand on his chest, where his heart is, while putting the other on his forehead to give himself a theatrical look.
"You're breaking my heart. I don't think I'll ever get over this."
"Stop being such a drama queen." Alex said, punching him on his shoulder.
I let out a tiny chuckle as I watched the two boys bicker as usual. My brother, still standing beside me, rolled his eyes, both exasperated and used to it.
"You're asking a lot of him." said a husky voice behind me.
Even when I was still by Lauren's side, I had avoided looking at him. Yet, I knew that if I didn't turn around now, he would bring it up. And that was not an option.
Gathering my courage and promising myself to stay calm, I turned around.
But I should have remembered that with him, I had no idea what calm was.
Luke Shelton.
And he was perfect. At least, physically.
Tall as he was, he looked at me with a glint of amusement in his eyes. His two green eyes were staring at me. And I did the same.
His silhouette slightly outlined through his top. The rings that ornamented his beautiful hands. And his face. His emerald eyes that his lashes set off perfectly. His defined jawline that showed how strong his jaw really was. His perfect nose. And his black hair, which remained messy.
He didn't deserve his beauty.
Luke was the most hateful human on this planet. My one and only Nemesis.
"I usually don't care. But right now, I do. So learn that, especially when it concerns you, it's rude to stare." he said as his thin smirk deepened.
"I usually don't care. But right now, I also do. So learn that, especially when it concerns you, it's rude to speak." I replied dryly. "Better shut it."
A sparkle shone in his eyes. I knew he was always very amused by my repartee, because the more I spoke the more he could break my mood.
"I know a lot of people who would disagree with that."
So do I.
"Let me guess. They've all been in your bed before, right?"
"It's not my fault if once they've slept with me, they want more?"
Full of himself and pretentious as he was, he will never stop talking about these girls. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the worst playboy you will ever meet in your life. Not even Liam could keep up with him.
"But I wonder what it's like to be appreciated only for your so-called talents in bed and nothing else? A little bit sad, isn't it?"
"You sure as hell don't know how it feels."
What an asshole.
Just as I was about to answer, my brother stepped between us, breaking our eye contact.
"Stop that. I don't want to hear it anymore." said Harry, shaking his head as if he was trying to forget what just happened.
"Indeed. Like I told him, it sure is better when he shuts it." I added, rolling my eyes.
Liam started to giggle behind me and I suspected that even though he wouldn't laugh out of respect for his buddy, Alex had a smile plastered to his lips. The only ones who didn't seem amused were my brother and Luke, whom I could vaguely see behind Harry.
I totally ignored his brotherly reproachful look and focused only on Luke. On his two wonderful, hypnotic eyes that I hated so much.
He looked annoyed. Good, because so was I.
"What?" I continued, looking him straight in the eye. "Can't stand to hear the truth?"
Luke shoved my brother with his shoulder, not violently but hard enough so that he stepped aside. He stood facing me, dipping his gaze even deeper into mine. And the hatred I saw there made me feel better.
He was now a few inches away from me, close enough so that if I wanted to, I could touch him just by holding out my hand. He curled his lips and my eyes fell on them.
"The truth?" he repeated, raising his eyebrows. "Like the one you're hiding from everyone here."
Not understanding what he was implying, I turned my head to the side, questioning him with my eyes.
"That's enough, Luke." my brother warned him in a threatening voice, but Luke couldn't care less.
"How about you tell us how your weekend went?"
How my weekend—
Oh God. He knew.
With a sudden jolt, I turned my head toward my brother, still shocked by what I had just heard. Avoiding my gaze, Harry looked down at the ground knowing exactly what he had done.
On the one hand, I was angry at my brother for revealing such a thing to Luke. And on the other hand - and this was the part that dominated my consciousness the most - I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for not considering that maybe knowing this would bother my brother as much as it did me and that he would potentially need to tell someone or he would end up paying my ex a not-so-cordial visit.
But why? Why did that someone have to be Luke Shelton out of all the human beings they were on this goddamn planet?
Turning my attention back to Luke, I raised my head.
"I've been reading." I said as calmly as I could be. "A lot. But do you even know what it is?"
On that note, and not even paying attention to whatever he was going to say, I turned my back on him to join Lauren who was probably watching us from afar.
But his voice echoed, stopping my whole body.
"You should be careful." his voice said behind my back. "Big Brother is watching you."
George Orwell. 1984.
The astonishment that overwhelmed me when I heard him quote this was replaced by annoyance. He had a knack for finding the words that would piss me off the most and I hated that.
He was surely implying that he was going to observe me and note down every mistake, shame and shortcoming I had so that he could better throw them in my face.
"Guess I know what reading is."
His voice was so annoying I wanted to slap him. Many times. So as I glanced at him one last time, I gave him an evil smile.
"Don't read too many dystopias, will you? It would be a shame if such thoughts spoiled a beautiful mind like yours." I added sarcastically.
Then, without waiting for his answer, I walked away from him and the others, going back to my locker.
The truth was that when I had read this book it had turned me upside down. I loved it and hated it at the same time. And throughout my reading the quote that made the biggest impression on me was this one.
And even that, Luke had managed to ruin it for me.
5040 words
For those who are wondering about 1984, it is a dystopian novel that shows us a totalitarian world. And there's so much more in it than just this! I recommend it if you like reading classics and dystopias, otherwise I don't think you can like it.
Thank you so much for reading this chapter!
⏤ love you <3