Special Chapter One
Riki Nishimura's
Everyone was wandering around to find the club that would fit them. I was sure I was joining the dance club; we were currently on the line to register our name,
My eyes roamed around when it was caught by a man laughing so brightly not away from us. A smile automatically glimpsed on my lips as I watched him continue to laugh loudly and heartily.
His foxy eyes were smiling with his lips as his cheeks were puffing because of too much laughing. Was it weird to think this man is too cute? Because that's how he looks in my eyes; a cute fox laughing with his friend who looks like a cat keeps talking, causing him to laugh that prettily.
Prettily? I think that was the right word to describe him. I didn't even know if that was the proper adjective to describe a man, but he's the prettiest guy I've ever seen,
Not wanting to lose him on sight, I walked to follow them when they entered a classroom, "Hey! Where are you going?" Daniel asked me, holding my arm, but I told him somewhere and followed that guy.
The next thing I knew, I was already sitting beside him, answering the registration form of the art club as they oriented us.
"Do you like drawing?" He asked me; his voice was soft. It was pleasing to hear, he just said a few, but I could listen to him all day.
Our eyes met when I looked at him and that hazel almond brown eyes were enchanting. It feels like drowning, "I do," I replied at him, feeling afloat, lost to him as I found myself observing his features as if I was memorizing them.
His eyes smiled along his lips when it curled, showing his perfect set of teeth as he smiled at me brightly. His rosy cheeks were puffing, and all I could think of was he looked pretty.
My hand landed on my chest when I felt how it was beating fast and hard, I felt it for the first time, and I couldn't help but be scared about it. I sat adequately beside him and averted my eyes; my heart slowly calmed down and went back, beating to normal, but the nervousness never left me.
Since that day, my eyes were always in him,
I thought it would continue. But then, the art club adviser called me in his office and transferred me to the dance club after Heeseung hyung, the club president, said they needed and requested me.
We passed by each other as the corridor as if we were strangers and not even acquaintances. All I could do was watch him from afar be contented seeing him smile from where I was and stealing glances when we crossed the path, there were times I didn't see him, and I'd go to their classroom pretending to pass by.
I was well aware by that time that I liked him, and in four years, watching him from afar that like developed from loving him. Isn't that crazy? How I learned to love him from afar.
If there was something I learned about him in the past for years doing that.. That's how he could be very clumsy at times. He needs a lot of care and attention, if I put it. He was a child that needed supervision as he could get hurt at any time.
I learned that we could ride the same bus when we, by chance, rode the same one; since then, I was waiting for the same bus every day, but there's still more time he was late, and we ended up riding the different one. I was lucky today though.
I watched him struggle as he stood; this was the last one to make it on time before the school gate close. He seems to be regretting waking up late today..
"You can hold to my arms or sleeve." I heard him say that made me frown after the girl beside him lost her balance; he was sure kind but also naive at the same time. There where irritation I didn't know if necessary, The girl did what he said, and I found myself moving to her, offering my seat before I could even think off,
Our eyes met, and my heart started to boom again. This was the first time I got close to him this much again since four years ago, but it seemed like my heart knew him so well. It was beating so hard like the first time it did for him.
Thankfully he averted his gazes first, or I'm going to melt and won't able to act as if I don't care.
"I know you're kind in nature, but you shouldn't offer things like that. They'll see it as a signal." I didn't even know why I said that; I was talking to him again after four years, and I chose to pry at him for helping others.
I'm really stupid. I thought he would be annoyed. Still, he just said, "Next time then." gently, the next thing I knew, I was holding his waist after saving him from falling on the bus floor after the driver stepped on break so suddenly.
If my heart was booming a while ago, it was now trying to escape out of my chest from so much beating, as I watched him with eyes closed, when he opened it, I slowly supported him stand straight till he could hold the handlebars again,
I still remember how he said sorry, and I told him it's okay as long as it's me, how his cheeks flushed red perhaps because of embarrassment. The irritation because of the sight vanished. I gave him a small smile when I got off the bus as I passed by him.
After four years, that's where our luck started again and where I made up my mind to make him mine. Since then, I have always appeared in front of him to get his attention.
I stood up and went to the dictionary section to find an English dictionary to review for our English test later; I smiled when I saw a familiar man jumping trying to reach a book on the shelves,
He looked cute even he was frustrated; he seemed not to notice me like always. I got a dictionary and pretended to read it.
When he realized jumping won't do and he looked around, and that's when he only saw me, "Need help?" I asked him, trying to sound my usual tone and suppressing a smile.
"Uhm, if you don't mind," he said, I started to notice he was always nervous around me, or it was his usual tone, "I won't ask if I do," I replied, I was about to get it. Still, he seemed occupied while spacing out at me. When I realized he wasn't spacing out but intently staring at me, that gave me butterflies in my stomach, thinking he had time to spare to look at me now.
"Stop staring unless you're planning to melt me," I told him. I didn't even know how I managed to say that; that wasn't entirely a lie, though.
I hid a smile behind my lips, I asked him what dictionary he needed, and he pointed it out for me. I looked at him and caged him in my arms; as I reached for it, I looked down to see his reaction, but I immediately regretted it when our faces our now inches away after he looked up.
Damn. So close. It's so bad for my heart that it is now beating so hard it almost hurts. I could tell he was surprised how closed our faces were when his cheeks blushed so hard. A curl on my lips appeared for a brief because of that. "Is this right?" I asked him as I got it out off the shelves and showed him; when he confirmed it was, I gave it to him and walked away
I freed my smile when I was sure he wouldn't see it, "Ah, this is bad." I murmured to myself as I caressed my chest where my heart was as if I would be able to calm it by doing that.
I was playing with coins in my hand when I saw who was pressing on the vending machine; I smiled when I saw Seon-woo and hid all coins. I hadn't seen him in a week because of competition; I was out competing for the school. I walked towards him as he picked his can of coffees; the one must be for his best friend.
"Can I borrow some coins?" I asked him wanting to have a small conversation with him, after asking me how much do I need he gave me 3000 won, I saw him about to leave, so I tried to stop him "How I'm going to pay you?" I asked him, but he just told me I didn't need to because I saved him twice,
"This won't be enough then." I ended up saying, I cursed out myself internally and found ways to divert his thinking, "How was your exam?" I asked him before he could answer; I wasn't surprised when he said he did pretty well. We shared a conversation that I didn't know I had a chance.
That night was pretty, but he was prettier because he was the reason why that night was beautiful for me-also, the reason I got too carried away and got too honest.
"You didn't change," I said; you still caught my eyes and the whole me. I couldn't help but smile when thinking of that. "You still have the prettiest smile." our eyes met, and I saw him looking at me straight into my eyes freely as I was. He then looked away with a blush on his cheeks, "Back then, you could light up and make someone's day by just smiling at them. Right now, You still do..."
"Are you also one of those someone?" I was surprised when he asked me that. I met his gaze and saw how serene he was as we looked at each other; he seemed thinking about something as he waited for my answer. Still, I was taking too long too mesmerize, by his beauty, as I think how to put into words, I was one of those, God! How pretty could he get?
Before I could answer, Minju clung to me, and he was already nodding and smiling at me, telling me he'd be going. There was a pang on my heart when I noticed something in his eyes; it was crystal I didn't want to see from him. I wish I could ask why, but I couldn't and just watched him as Minju started dragging me away.
"You should drink water," I said when I noticed he was still catching breathe after his best friend ran-dragged him to this bus. He started rampaging on his bag but failed to find one; it seemed like he had forgotten his, "Drink mine," I told him I couldn't help but be worried. He seemed to hesitate so, I held his hand softly and put my bottle on it. I almost got distracted by how soft and warm his hand his.
It seems like I always get crazy and out of my mind every time I'm beside him and talking to him. I always end up screwing all opportunities to get close to him.
"Don't run next time. Your body can't seem to handle it." I told him without looking at him. I was too worried, but I didn't want him to know. He was sweating and looked sick a while ago, so that I couldn't rest my mind.
"We didn't want to miss this bus," he said in a small voice. If he's going to tell it in that tone, how I'm supposed to calm down the beating of my heart? I did my best to hide those fluttery and looked at him seriously. He needs to know I was serious about that one, "Then go earlier, don't run like that." I told him. He just nodded and didn't say anything.
Fuck, I ended up scolding him, didn't I? I just wanted to punch myself; he seemed uncomfortable after that; of course, he got scolded by a stranger. I thought I should say something to make him comfortable "You don't feel comfortable around me?" I asked him, I saw him panic, and I started to regret my whole existence on this bus, 'I think I couldn't screw this up harder.' I couldn't help but think that at the back of my mind.
It was true he doesn't seem comfortable around me aside from when we talked at that vending machine that night. Still, his answer surprised me, "I was just being careful not to make you uncomfortable." he said in a soft tone while looking at me.
I felt the butterflies inside me celebrating; It was a ticklish feeling making me all giddy, something he could only give me. I hid my smile behind my lips even I could feel it curling; when I was able to compose myself, I looked at him, and like every time our eyes met, I felt like melting. This man makes me too weak for him."You will never annoy me, "I assured him, "You don't need to be careful around me." I continued, still taking the chance to look at him carefully.
I thought that day would end just like that, but I met him on the way to the broadcasting station for the podcast live; I was a guest. I don't even know why they after me, but I agreed since it would benefit the club.
"Will you give us a tip on how we could make a Riki Nishimura say yes as our prom date?" Hanbyeol asked me; we are now in her live podcast,
Seonwoo, that pretty first came to mind, so "Uhmm, if you want to date me, then you must be kind and gentle. It would be nice if you have beautiful foxy sparkling eyes and smile. Your cheek must be puffy too," I tried to suppress my smile when he started to flash in my mind but miserably failed.
They teased me but didn't mind and continued, I described him well, and I didn't care; he would know soon anyway. "Most importantly must have and own the prettiest smiles. You must be someone who could light up and save the night by just smiling." If he were listening, I know he would find this word familiar,
"I want to date someone like that too. I know someone exactly like that. I thought you were describing him. Thanked God he was a He," Hanbyeol said laughing,
She wasn't wrong when she said that, as we like the same person, only love was mine; her words made me understand that I needed to confirm something.
"You can tell him to invite me too." I replied to her didn't have to think about it, "Being a 'she' is unnecessary." I added that, making her stop laughing as we competed who would look away first.
I was now on my way back to the classroom from practice; this was the first time I was thankful I was late in class when I saw Seonwoo, refilling his second bottle,
He seemed lost looking at me; I stared at him as he did to me, then a second later, he smiled tiny, as his cheeks were suddenly filled with hues of pinks, So he was daydreaming? It would be good if it's about me, Seonwoo.
"Thinking something good?" I asked with a hint of teasing; he blushed more. "S-sorry," he replied shyly. The butterflies were once felt in my system,
"If it's about me, you don't need to," I said, too freely. I realized it later but didn't take it back; I was not planning to hide it any longer, "Are you sorry?" I asked him, staring straight into his eyes.
My heart were pounding hard as I looked at him with confusion in his eyes. He seems mystified as he weights and tries to read my mind,
"Riki," I felt dizzy when he called my name so softly. I didn't know my name could sound that beautiful, or perhaps it was coming from his lips, "You don't have to answer," I told him with a smile melting and weakening the way he looked at me.
He continued to stare, afraid I would fall to my knees, "You should go back to your class now. I should go too," I told him and ruffled his hair softly, "What if it's not about you?" he suddenly said, causing me to meet his eyes he was serious I could tell even he looked so nervous, I noticed how he closed his fist tight telling me he knew what he was doing and asking me,
That made my heart flutter; It could almost hurt, "Then, I'll be jealous." I replied seriously without leaving his eyes. I was melting, I was fragile for him, and the way he looked at me made me so nauseous.
"Then don't be. I'm not sorry." He added, a smile slowly formed on his lips, as he looked at me and walked away from me,
At that moment, I already knew that it was not one-sided, even though it may not be equal. I'll be sure it will, and it does. I will work hard to make him fall in love with me so we can be together.
I watched him do that as butterflies and the whole zoo, they said, were felt in my stomach. With my heart beating loud and fast, booming like there was no tomorrow, and happiness I never felt before invaded my system.
"You are reading about him again?" Heeseung hyung said when he saw what I was looking at my phone. It was a post about Sunoo with his picture on it.
I just nodded and hid my phone in my dance club jacket. We were in the college dance practice room, just finished practicing a collaboration. After Hee hyung told me Jake hyung was waiting for us at the cafeteria, we went straight there after collecting my things.
After buying his food, Hee hyung said he'd go first; I just nodded as I waited for my mine. I also followed him after. I halted when I saw a familiar face on that table, he was staring at hee hyung sitting beside him so adoringly, and somehow I hate how he did that,
Jealous? I guess I was.
I walked towards them and didn't sit anywhere; Hee hyung eyes and mine met, and he seemed he got what I meant. "Ah! Right! I knew it. That's why he's familiar." he said and chuckled as he moved to another seat, everyone was clueless. Still, I didn't mind and took the seat beside him.
After starting a conversation, I ended up saying, "You seem to like Heeseung hyung a lot. I saw you awhile ago." I asked blandly. I knew that was for a boyfriend to ask, but I couldn't help it; he chuckled after saying he got starstruck, which made me a little too unhappy even I tried to hide it.
Well, Hee hyung sure popular, I asked him to go together after this. I just wanted to walk him to the classroom and be with him longer. He smiled that automatically melted my jealousy, 'what was I'm jealous and whining about again?' I don't remember.'
Jake hyung gave us Yakult after saying Sun was cute. I just looked at him; I was eating but still could see him open his and drank it one gulped. I couldn't help but suppress a smile when it marked the side of his lips. He looks like a child who just finished drinking his milk in a cup.
His foxy eyes always got me turned puzzled but still beautiful, He looked at his best friend asking why, but it just laughed at him; I got a tissue and softly held his chin to face me, he was surprised as his eyes turned wide for a moment when I did that but let me, our table went silent, and I knew they were looking at us,
I softly wiped the side of his lips, with my heart beating hard as I did so; there were billions of electric volts felt on my body. I didn't know how I was still holding his chin when it was burning my hand from so much exhilaration.
I couldn't help but smile when I saw how his cheeks heated; He looked so pretty and enchanting even up closed like this indeed, he was the prettiest.
"There's a lot of eyes." he reminded me in a whisper. I met his eyes and nodded, "Since when I care?" I told him to continue to melt for him. I lost it when he scrunched his nose, which made me smile broadly. Ugh! I wanted to look cool for him. I wanted to kiss his forehead, but I know I shouldn't, "Too pretty." I murmured even that was not enough to describe how he looked.
He's definitely more than that,
We are now walking in the corridor. There were a lot of murmurs and whispers around us. The eyes were following us, and they didn't bother to hide. It's always been like that. Rumors also keep being created about us. It would be nice if those would come true, though.
"Uncomfortable?" Somehow I always ended up asking if that. My heart dropped when he said he was a little. Still, his following words brought it back, "I'm afraid it will make you uncomfortable around me as well as awkward." he said carefully and honestly. "It's because you might not be okay with it and find it weird," he added.
I couldn't help but frown, "You find those weird?" I asked him. It was never weird to me; honestly, He asked me if I heard those rumored "One of those said we're together." I told him seriously.
"I don't, but you might," he then added, as his cheeks painted pink, I just looked at him thinking if he doesn't know I like him, I tried to look back whether I failed to show it to him, But I feel like I didn't.
'Baby, I don't too as you do,' I hope I could say that to him right now. "That's good then. You shouldn't find things possible weird. That's not good." I told him while staring straight into his eyes, smiling softly.
We're now in front of his classroom. He was about to go when I said, "I'm serious, Sunoo," causing him to look at me, wondering, "Let's not close the possibility of being together." I added while staring at him softly and gently, nothing but fondness for him because I'll be sure to make you mine.
My little sister dragged me to the mall to accompany her shopping. It didn't last long when her friend arrived and told me to roam around first as they are watching barbie movie at the cinema which I did, I halted when I saw a familiar figure inside a fast chain, and so on without wasting time, I ordered and "Can I sit here?" I asked him; I didn't wait and sat, he said yes after a while and I could see surprised in his expression,
After making him order more and talking for awhile, "It's like having a date." I heard him say. I could tell it wasn't for me to hear. I smiled, not trying to suppress it.
"This is a date then," I replied while looking at him; If he says this is a date, then this is a date. Pretty is the rule here. My heart started again to pump hard as I looked at him blushed more. "I'll take you out to a proper one, Sunoo. How about that?" I asked him, asking him out on a date, with a smile on my face,
"That sounds good." he replied softly with soft laughs.
That was foul; He was using my weakness against me so well.
I wiped the side of my lips after he said there was something on it. I failed, so I made it easier for me, "Can you wipe it for me?" I asked him, leaning on him closer.
Our eyes continued to meet each other when his thumb touched my lips. That made me feel thousands of volts crawl to my nerves to send electrifying shocks on my spines and system. That woke that butterflies wide awake more as if flying serenely wasn't enough. A zoo kicked on my stomach gave me giddy feelings outs of fluttery; my heart was booming hard, I was afraid of having my heart attacked.
After that meal, Rika also found us. I introduced him to her and told him to send me a message when he was home. "Sunoo Oppa was too handsome. He looks so pretty. How about asking him to wait for me?" Rika told me when I got home.
I glared at her when I heard that. I have been lining up and waiting for him for four years, and you are asking me that, "You wish!" I only told her, He was mine alone. She rolled her eyes on me, and I ignored her walking to my room.
I received a from him when he got home, and we texted the whole night. I arrived late at school the following day, and the school gate was already closed. I ended up having a record of being tardy for the first time. I forgot I was not good at sleeping late and waking up early.
I was waiting for Minju at their house. She's a childhood friend of mine, and our house is just a few blocks away from each other. She told me to go to school together as she has a lot of material to bring for our presentation today.
She was still in her room when auntie approached me."Can I ask you a favor?" She told me. I smiled and nodded without knowing the favor she would ask would make everything fall apart on my part,
"I don't know if you knew, but can you say yes to Minju when she asked you out?" She said, Auntie has always been strong, but then she was crying right now, that told me she has a reason for asking me that,
"She was declining..." She said as she handed me a paper. I took it and looked at it and saw how her mental and emotional health was declining. She was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It was worse than before.
"She tried to take her life... Just a few months ago." She said that surprised me; I thought she was getting better. There was no sign she was getting worse, and she acted fine and tough when she was drawing on her own.
I could feel Auntie's pain. Auntie held my hand as she cried. I hugged her, trying to comfort her, "She likes you, Riki. She told me she would be asking you out for the prom ball. Please say yes to her. Maybe if you agree with her, she can make it, she can get better one bit. Please help me. I don't want to lose my daughter." She begged.
The crowd was cheering so loud. I was holding the banner, Minju made me open for her. "Will you be my date?" Where written on it, I wanted to say no, I wanted to tell her, No, But I know I couldn't do that, I just nodded as an answer as the crowd went more wild cheering for us.
Minju smiled so widely and ran to me to hug me. My hand unconsciously wrapped around her when I remembered what auntie asked me to do and her situation.
I told myself I'd just help her get better. I ran to Sun after that, I waited in their classroom till he arrived, and I could tell he cried. His eyes were puffy and still close to tears, blues were around him, and I wished I could just walk to him and hug him.
"Can we talk? I asked him softly; I saw how his eyes got crystal on them slowly that hurt so much. Knowing I was hurting him hurt so much, I didn't even know what I should say to him, but I felt like I should say something. "Can we not?" he asked, his voice was full of blues. I looked at him, "You can tell me, but can you give me time?" he asked with a smile. The tears rolling in his eyes were just like cold water, how jerk I was and a knife piercing on me alive.
The following days didn't get easier for me. He was avoiding me. I tried to approach him, but all failed, which pains me so much. We were back to square one. I was stealing glances and watching him from afar. It was so hard that I tried to suppress the urge to run to him, afraid he wasn't ready yet as the past hurt him more.
"I like you, Riki," Minju told me with a smile; I just looked at her, not knowing what to do. I stayed silent, and the next thing I knew was she was already hugging me again. I didn't return it and just stared at her; she did the same when she suddenly tiptoed and tried to kiss me. I avoided it by tilting my head. Instead of pushing her, afraid to hurt her, her kiss landed on my cheeks.
Those pictures circulated on the portal the next day and together with the rumors floating around. I tried to correct it, but people believed what they wanted,
"I like you." that was the first word he said after we reached the garden away from the buildings; tears landed his eyes, and I cursed myself inside my head. "I do for four years now, Since that day we met at that club when we were junior high school," I couldn't hide my surprise when he said that...
All along, We like each other from the start? I suddenly questioned why I overlooked that. What I was doing those four years watching him, and I could not catch all of that. Regret rushed to me as I realized a lot of time was wasted and continued to be as I kept messing things up. Pangs in my chest continued to feel vividly like the ball of fires built inside me for my own.
I listened to him that day, and just seeing him cry breaks my heart into pieces. All words he said turned sharpest knives, slicing me alive as he cried. He repeatedly asked me to tell him my reason, and every time he did, I felt helpless; I wished I could say to him my reason. I wanted it to be something I could tell, but it wasn't.
I couldn't do anything but pull him closer to him and hug him, wishing that could lessen the pain I was giving him; I always wanted to hold him in my arms but not this way or reason. There was no scarier hearing him say he will stop liking me, The man I love telling me those words,
"I'm figuring things out... I don't want to lose you. Can you give me more time?" I'm scared, I don't know, I don't understand myself," I told him. I was choking on my word as I suppressed tears from coming out.
I didn't know what to do. I just want to figure things out how to tell him and help Minju, I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be the reason for the world to lose her. I was scared for both, and I didn't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, who I love, and her, my best friend who needs me now.
"Just give me more time... I'll come to you," I asked him on the verge of breaking down. Maybe if he will even just a day, I would be able to. Perhaps I could do something, and it wasn't still too late to turn this table around for us. We could be together."
There was a deafening silence between us, "But I-I'm exhausted." he said as he cried more. "Y-you don't need to figure things out... You already had the answer. Saying yes to her was," he told me that made my world as shattered him as he let go of his words.
After that day, I felt like everything had restarted, not even when we first met. But, when we were still strangers, he didn't lay his eyes on me. There was a time I didn't see him in a day; everything continued to fall apart between us and hurt so much.
After a long while, our paths crossed in the corridor; this was the first time he looked at me and smiled at me briefly. He passed by at me, and as soon as he did, tears rolled down my eyes.
Damn, I missed him so much, I wiped it away and busied myself practicing; that was all I did to fool myself. I was doing fine. I continued to help Minju in all way I could. She invites me to talk at night when she feels so crowded. She cries and tells me stories she has no one to talk about and share. I just accompanied her and listened silently with few words and comforted her.
There was time, I wanted to blame her, but I just couldn't, she doesn't know, she doesn't know I knew, and her mom told me and asked me to do it; on the other hand, it was my own decision to help her, I just couldn't leave her after knowing those, How could I? She was the only one who's stayed with me and lasted with me since we were kids. How could I ditch her when she needed me the most?
Everything was left untouched, and I stayed dealing with everything on my own despite the fear of losing him. I caged myself in the practiced room, dancing every time I was vacant to occupy myself from everything.
"You're also going to get water?" Taki asked me we were both coming from the dance club, practicing together. I walked towards him and nodded. "Yeah, There's nothing in the practice room," I said in my usual tone. I waited for my turn when my eyes caught something in the locker space.
I looked at Sun and the man beside him; our eyes met. Still, he just looked at me coldly. That hurts; he used to look at me warmly. I bit my lips and composed myself. I didn't want to do something that I would regret and give him reason to hate me as he does now.
The man introduced himself and offered a hand; I knew him as he borrows the practice room sometimes to practice. Sun accepted it. I closed my fist tight, as my presence turned colder than it should,
Taki tapped me, saying it was my turn, So I did, "You can let go of his hand now." I butt in when he is still holding it after I refilled my bottle,
I was not too fond of that; I lost my temper and gave him blaring glares; my eyes met Sun. I didn't want him to see me like this; Sanity kept leaving me when it came to him. I couldn't think straight.
"You either for touching him!" I resorted to Sangwon after him telling me I was not in the place to say that,
"It was a handshake!" Sun said diction while there was a fire of ball on his eyes. I know it was, but I didn't like the fact he was holding him for too long, and he was holding someone else hand.
"I don't like it," I said, too honestly, as my voice rose slightly out of frustration. I stared at him helplessly, and even I knew that wouldn't do anything. "Then that's your damn business," he told me, losing his temper and patience on me. He was right. I stayed silent, defeated because we both knew its truth, and I hated it more. I watched both of them leave without him looking at me.
Their picture became viral on different social media platforms on the same day. There were many of them. I didn't know how I managed to handle pangs on my heart and other heavy emotions lingering inside me since things started to drift apart between us.
I hate that I couldn't go to him, and I'm not too fond of the fact he was with another man because I couldn't. If I had just run to him that time, this wouldn't be going to happen; tears fell from too much fear of losing him and that he was exhausted now and I was going to lose him for real.
It kept going for a week; they were always together. We are now on our way to the college cafeteria, Heeseung and I just got off to our practice. Like always, others will be waiting for us. Still, I was surprised to see Sunoo sitting at our table. He didn't join us for so long; a smile glimpse on my lips, but it didn't last long when I saw who was sitting next to him.
"Chill out!" Hee hyung told me as he patted my shoulder and walked to them. I sat on the opposite seat of him. I loved the view of him but not the one beside him.
They all talked, but I stayed silent and just stared at Sunoo, he didn't look at me, and I hate that, his eyes used to be mine but it can't even reward me glances now..,
Sangwon asked him if he wanted anything and replied a candy. After he left, he became their topic, "He was a friend." He confirmed, and that gave relief until Jay hyung said something that hit me hard, "Even they did and will in the future, Sangwon is a good man. There will be no issue with it. He likes Sunoo genuinely, you know."
He was right when he said that, but I didn't like how he was shading at me; how he was sure I didn't like him genuinely? I perhaps didn't; I was in love with him, to begin with.
Hee hyung tapped my legs to remind me to remain calmer. He doesn't need to, as I will, I ignored that, I just slid a candy to where Sun is, he glanced at me for the first time today, after saying he doesn't like it "Then tell me what you want, I'll buy it for you." I told him, but he refused and didn't talk nor look at me again.
I was able to see him smile afterward, but this time, I was not the reason. I was grinding my teeth quietly, trying to stand the unlikeable emotions inside me; my heart continued to clench as I withstood everything.
They suddenly became prom dates in a blink; so this how it feels? When he saw me saying yes to her, Damn it, It hurts like hell. I didn't talk as I felt like tears would build up once I did. My coldness doubled. It always happened without knowing to protect me from showing my emotions. My body did its defense mechanism to hide my vulnerability without knowing it.
"You're not supposed to take a turn. Your classroom is upstairs." I heard Sunoo say; I looked at him icily as my heart clenched. That was new. It just always jumped before.
It's not that I forgot, but I want to make sure he made it safely. Perhaps I just wanted that to be the reason to be with him longer. I knew I wouldn't be able to see him again for a while after this.
"I know. Just keep walking." I told him coldly. I was honestly mad, but for myself, I was the only one to blame here anyway.
There was crystal building up my eyes out of frustration and everything. I was so thankful he turned his back again at me.
I bit my lips and watched him enter his room; as soon as he did. Since a while ago, the heaviness my eyes carried threaded my cheeks, and wiping it was the only thing I could do for myself.
"Are you living here?" Hee hyung told me I was in the practice room and continued dancing. I ignored him as I replayed the music and watched myself at the dance mirror in front of me.
"Aish!" I couldn't help but endure after I landed wrongly after jumping and falling on the floor, "Fuck!" Hee hyung exclaimed as he attended to me, he checked my foot, thankfully it wasn't sprained even it hurts a little.,
"Are you trying to injure yourself or what?" He asked. I could tell he was mad. He turned off the speaker, "You nearly did multiple times, Kid!" He said as a matter of fact as his voice rose.
I saw him at the mirror, walking back and forth, calming himself, "I get it you're frustrated! But what the fuck, Riki? You don't dance like that!" He continued to scold me, "I don't mind you dancing your frustrations, but dance rightly. Get it together, man!" he added. I didn't know, but I started to cry after that,
Tears just surged without warning, and I couldn't stop it. Heeseung hyung panicked when he saw me, but when he realized something, he just let me, "I just scold you a little kid, you don't have to cry." he said softly, pretending he didn't know why. He knew I wanted to act strong.
I hugged my knees as I buried my face into it, hiding my face and tears. I never cried in public, no one ever saw me cry, and I was always in complete control of my emotions; crying like this was new to me.
Heeseung hyung locked the door so no one could get in the room; he then sat in silence at the corner as he let me cry all I wanted.
It was just hard. There's a lot on my plate, and a lot was running on my mind nonstop. It was one after another, and it never ended. Dealing with all of it at once was so hard and tiring. It was draining and scary. I didn't want to regret anything, but I felt like nothing was going on right. I keep making the wrong things and decisions, and I will regret everything.
I felt so bad for wishing I hope I didn't know. I feel so selfish wishing that auntie shouldn't had told me about it nor asked me to help her because it was the reason I couldn't run to Sun. That maybe if I didn't know we are now happy together. I cried more as I admitted that; cries filled the room with my sob and how human I was.
When I stopped crying, I wiped my tears and stood again. I played the music I was practicing amd started again,
"Riki," I heard hee hyung called me worried, "I'll dance right," I told him,
He walked toward me and hugged me. I let him as he patted my back softly, "Hang in there, Talk to me if you need someone. I'm ready to listen." he told me softly, then ruffled my hair, we practiced together after that.
"Can you help me just this once?" I asked, Jungwon, Sunoo's best friend. We are here at the college cafeteria., They are not with Sun, so I was able to approach them. Most of the time, Jay hyung went to them at the high school department since the last time.
"You should stop if you don't love him. My best friend, he was trying his best to move on from you." He said while glaring at me,
Knowing that hurts, "I love your best friend Jungwon, I love him so much, but then I was into something where I couldn't run to him," I told him. My eyes turned to tears, so I stopped talking to calm down. "I promised this is the last time. If this still doesn't work, I'll be the one to stay away from him." I told him, almost begging
Jungwon got teary as he looked at me. I know he loves his best friend a lot. Jay hyung just listened to us, letting him decide, "Do you really love him?" He asked me, looking at me, "I love him more than myself, Won," I told him.
He nodded as he wiped his tears, "Okay then, text me the place and the time. I'll bring him to you." He told me I was so thankful to him when he said that. I thanked him even it was enough and I was about to leave when "Riki..." he called me. I looked at him, and he just said, "Please don't mess this up." He said and smiled at me,
I wish I wouldn't too.
Sun's face couldn't be read and painted when I got to the restaurant. He hates being here, and he didn't hide it; he didn't give me any glances and treated me as air. Our table was full of tension; everyone worked hard to make the atmosphere lighter by creating a conversation, but that didn't work.
We all looked at his phone when it rang. I saw Sangwon's name on it; he didn't say anything. He went out of the restaurant to answer it. It wasn't long when I followed him, taking the opportunity to talk to him; another reason was it was dark outside. I'm worried something happens to him.
I stayed meters away from him, enough to give him privacy. He didn't know I was here, I learned as I closed my eyes at the lamp post, feeling quite dizzy. I haven't slept this fast few days from so much thinking, I didn't mean to hear their conversation, but they seem to be talking about having dinner together.
"Are you going on a date?" I asked again when he didn't answer a while ago; this time he faced me, I could see how he didn't want to see him, his expression couldn't lie, and he despised me,
I couldn't help but feel envious; I wanted to have dinner with him too, I wanted to be with him and able to call him, I wanted to be able to see and talk to him whenever I wanted to,
Why couldn't that be possible? Why couldn't it be me instead? Pangs on my chest felt in my system, but I tried not to entertain them. I should only do that if I were alone.
"I do." He said; I nodded as my lips pursed. I know that was the answer in the first place; I shouldn't have asked so that it wouldn't hurt this much.
"Right, That's good, but don't go and think about it." I ended up saying. He always does what I tell him to do. Maybe he would, too, this time; I ended up getting him mad because of that; the indifference in his eyes as he looked at me scared me.
It told me I was too late, and I couldn't help but be scared more.
He marched to our table, and he didn't even sit again when he said he'd be leaving now; I insisted on driving him, but he disagreed same with his best friend driving him home. He was mad, in a rage, and everything about him tells that; his actions and words confirmed everything.
I followed him when he walked out of the restaurant, I saw won crying, but Sun didn't see that. He was walking fast, so I ran to catch up to him and grabbed his wrist softly. He looked at me with disdain and fireball on his eyes, "Fucking let go of me!" he cursed and shouted madly as he violently swagged my hand away from him, but I didn't let him go,
I let him as I tried to get him on my car to talk or at least drive him home when I realized he wasn't planning to stop, "Stop, Sun! You might hurt yourself fuck!" I couldn't help but say frustrated, I was on the verge of crying, I hate seeing him like this, I hate he was mad at me, and I hated how we turned into like this,
I hate everything we have right now and the situation we are in, and it's frustrating to me to death,
I let go of him when I couldn't suppress the tears anymore. I walked away meters away to calm myself down; I supported myself holding my knees. I breathed heavily, trying to calm myself down; tears were falling, but I wiped it away before it could leave a mark and he could see it. This was just fucking damn hard.
After calming down, I looked at him again and gave him a weak smile, I didn't know long, but I found myself walking to him and hugging him; I felt weak. I'm always weak when it comes to him. I rested my head on his shoulder as I hugged him more, making every second later, "Damn! I miss you, Sunoo," I whispered, couldn't help but my voice to crack. He pushed me softly after a few seconds, and I didn't force myself on him,
I brought him to the nearby playground after asking him to talk again, promising this was the last time. He sat on the swing and said, "Can I do anything to change everything? I want us." I said, causing him to look at me; he was staring at me blankly, he was thinking, but the way he was staring at me made me know it wasn't in my favor,
I could see the pain and everything in him when he asked me what I wanted from him? Madly; I made him cry again,
I thought it would be enough, 'I chose him,' I thought that would be enough. I didn't understand how he was sure I wasn't, how he kept insisting I loved someone else when I was so sure it was him all along. I was starting to question if he loved me because he never listened to me. I was wrong for hurting him and, I have no right, I know. But if he has feelings for me and loves me, why wouldn't he give me the benefit of the doubt?
It hurts so much when he starts to beg me to stop that he was close to regretting liking me. All his words became sharp knives plunging to me alive, but I hated him more because all pain I was feeling seemed couldn't be equal to him. His was greater.
"Tell me your reason. Riki, tell me why you have to lie about not liking me? Why didn't you come to me when you chose me?" He asked me again, he was giving me a last chance, and I knew.
I felt like I was in damnation; I stayed silent with tears gushing from my eyes as I looked at him. I wish I could. I wish I could tell him why I couldn't answer him and the stories I could not tell. I saw how he cried more. He nodded and changed his question.
"If I'll let you choose again tonight, will you choose me? Let me change the question, Riki. Will you come to me now? You said you want us." he asked me again too broken.
I didn't know what to do or say when he asked me that; God only knows how much I wanted to right now, but I couldn't. She still needed me. I was thinking of running to him at the moment and letting everything else outside us screw up. But just thinking the world would be losing someone because of me kept holding me back. I wouldn't be able to stand the guilt once that happened.
"Can you wait for me?" I ended up asking him; I begged while looking straight into his eyes. I felt so desperate; I didn't want to lose anyone.
All words he said after that nothing was blade to me, he cried hard and broken, all words he said were paining both of us, and I couldn't blame him for thinking that way and wanting a certainty.
"If you don't love me enough and couldn't fight for me with what stopping you, everything is just a reason. If you can't completely choose me, waiting is nothing, and everything does."
He smiled at me bitterly as he looked at me; he walked to me and slowly wrapped his arms on my nape, hugging me, he hid all sobs on his lips, but few kept escaping; I snake his waist, pulling him closer.
This is the last embrace, isn't it pretty? that thought was killing me alive, but all I could do was cry.
We stayed like that for a while. The night fell deeper as our pain kept getting deeper. The wind blew, hugging and comforting both of us, and I think that was the only thing heaven could do for us.
His following words made our heart both shattered as if having it breaking it into million pieces wasn't enough,
"P-please stop holding me back, Riki. Just let me move forward and stop making it hard for me. Stop looking for me and helping me, don't care for me, and ignore me." he begged me, exhausted.
I hugged him more, wishing that I could lessen his pain when he started to sob as I buried my face on his shoulder and hugged him tighter.
This was really the last.
"Riki, I'm so tired of crying and everything. Liking and loving you was too hard and hurt so bad. I'm losing myself, so I beg you, don't ask me to wait for you. I want to stop now..." he added between his sobs, begging me more.
He slowly let go of me and turned his back on me. Without looking back, he walked away as his shoulder shuddered and covered his mouth, refusing to be remembered shattered leaving tonight.
My strength gave up on me, and I fell on the ground crying, withstanding everything befallen upon me tonight; even the pain itself was eating me alive.
It's over.
I lost him now.
There was nothing left to do but wish and hope that when the time came, I could go to him. We could be together, We could still be, and It's still me.
Like a promise, I never showed myself to him. I was planning to continue not to. I should help him; how much I brought him pain he was begging me like that, I was desperately asking him to wait when he was desperate to move on from me.
I should give him that; that's the only thing I could give him to make up messing with his life and hurting him.
All I did was dance. I danced all the time I had. I didn't leave the practice room and occupied myself dancing to forget everything for a while. I'll go crazy thinking of it all day.
I let music fill my ears, and my mind, memorizing and thinking of steps like Every time I wanted to run away.
I turned off my phone to focus on dancing. The door opened, and Heeseung hyung was startled to see me, "You're still here?" he asked, puzzled. "Everyone was already at the hotel for Prom ball tomorrow." He added,
"I'll just go tomorrow." I simply said as I watched myself in the mirror to see If I was doing the right thing.
I didn't want to see him. Because I might come running again asking for a chance when I shouldn't.
I practiced all night and just went home before lunch. I got my things for later, and after preparing myself, I let our driver drive me to the venue,
I opened my phone just then and saw a lot of missed calls and messages from classmates looking for me. Still, there was a missed call from one person that caught my attention, there were 25 missed calls from him until morning.
I checked my messages, and I immediately saw his; when I opened them,
"Riki, can we talk?"
"Riki, I'm sorry."
"Answer your phone, please, Riki."
"Where are you? Please tell me. I'll go to you."
Tears fell when I read that. I felt happy for a brief till I read his last message,
"Minju told me the reason."
I urged my driver to get fast as he could. I tried contacting Minju, but she couldn't be reached; what did she tell? She didn't tell me anything, what reason she said. I continued to contact her, but she still wasn't answering.
I started to feel fear, I contacted my classmates to check on her, and they said she's weren't in her room,
When we reached the hotel, I ran fast as I could to get to her, I knocked on her door loud, but she didn't open it. I contacted her mom to ask if Minju had gone home, but auntie said she wasn't,
"Can you ask for the spare key? Maybe she's inside the room she's taking pills including anti depressant and sleeping pills maybe she's inside sleeping." She told me panicking and crying,
I did what aunt said, and when the staff opened the door for me, we saw her sleeping on her bed. I ran to her and checked if she was fine or she's passed out. I was so thankful and able to breathe in relief when she was.
I thanked the staff and requested a lunch here if she woke up minutes from now. I sat on the couch beside her. I didn't leave her room even I wanted to see Sunoo. I would talk to him later at the ball,
She looks exhausted and seems crying all those days without me, I don't know what she told Sunoo, But I hope it's not what I thought, knowing that wouldn't help her. She was sleeping tight. When I saw different meds on her side cabinet, she's taking this much? She had five different ones.
She woke up after an hour, it's now one in the afternoon, she was a bit surprised when she saw me, but she just smiled, "How did you get in?" she asked me, she's good at pretending, how he could smile after doing something that would hurt her,
My eyes became close to tears, "Something wrong?" She asked worriedly.
"What did you tell him?" I asked her while looking straight into her eyes. This time her tears were like waterfalls falling non-stop,
"I'm sorry." That was the only thing she said, "You should have told me." She added that she started to break down; there were evident guilt and fear in her eyes.
"I didn't know mom asked you. I just learned a few days ago..." she added. I sat on the side of her bed and hugged her as I calmed her down. She was crying hard, "I'm really sorry," She continued. "I didn't know what to do. All I know is maybe I could make it up if I told him. Why didn't you tell him about me?" She asked me.
"Why you didn't you tell him you were staying with me, because I was depressed and suicidal, that mom asked you to do so afraid I would take my own life again after getting rejected, get worse and lost it again?" she added in pain too frank and candid, She was being hard to herself again.
"I thought you wanted it yourself. I let you because I thought you willingly took me on your own. But it was a burden passed to you all along by mom." she continued crying hard; she softly hugged me back, hiding her face on my shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything, for letting you have the burden of saving me, afraid I would kill myself once you leave me. I'm sorry for making you choose me instead of the one you love. I'm sorry for not knowing anything till it was too late and you were shattered." She added,
"Please don't hate me, Riki, No... please." she started to panic, saying that.
I cupped her cheeks as I hushed her continued to soothe her down, "Sh... Minju, look at me." I told her softly, she slowly did, suppressing her sobs, "I won't... It's okay..." I added softly, we talked and settled everything, I promise to stay by her side as her friend no matter what.
The time came, and we entered the main hall after; I looked for Sun and immediately saw him. He looked dashing with his masks on. He seemed to look around, looking for someone, a smile glimpse on my lips, thinking he was looking for me.
I hadn't got the chance to go, didn't want to leave, Minju, we danced to till the grandfather clock rang. She was smiling even her eyes were teary. The song changed "Just a bit more." She added. A minute later she let me go, as tears threaded her cheeks,b"Mom's waiting for me outside. You should go, he's waiting." she added, trying to make her voice full. Tears landed my eyes as I watched her leave, but that's all what I did and goes where my heart belong to.
I couldn't believe I was dancing with him; tears kept rushing down his cheeks as he looked at me, he looked happy, yet there were blues and fear on him. I pulled him close in the hope to comfort him and stop him from crying; a second later, he embraced me tightly after wrapping his arms on my nape, burying his face on my shoulder.
"Riki, I miss you..." he said softly between his tears. Those words were like magic. It cured all pain of yesterday; hearing him saying he missed me made my heart jump in joy as if beating so loudly isn't enough.
I miss you too, Sunoo.
He continued to confess what he truly felt and what was on his mind, that he regretted it and that thing he should have done. I silently listened to him and let him say all things he wanted until "I should have said yes when you asked me to w-wait," he said brokenly. He paused for a while before saying his following words, "Can't you ask me again?" he asked, almost begging.
The grandfather clock rang, and we danced in silence again. When the clock hit midnight, everything faded aside if us as it went slow motion as I watched him remove his mask; his tamed and meek eyes were red and puffy, yet he still looked pretty, prettiest than any girls and anyone at this hall,
Don't wait. I'm not going to ask you again." I told him, more tears pooled his eyes, with lingering fear and pain on it, he said he'd wait for me, he repeatedly said that and that broke my heart how he was almost begging he would, tears continued to descend in his eyes like waterfalls,
I caged him in my arms when I felt his going leave me again. No baby, you're not going anywhere, "There was no need for waiting and asking you, My pretty, I'm running to you now." I whispered to his head softly as I continued to engulf him in my arms. "I miss you too, my P-pretty," I told him as my voice cracked couldn't hold my tears any longer even there were soft smiles on my lips. I panicked when he sobbed hard, I thought whether I said something wasn't right again, but I ended up pulling and hugging him closer.
The music changed into a modern romantic song, (Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran) and we started to slow dance as we embraced each other, not caring for the eyes of anyone around us,
"I love you, Riki. I did for four years. I will continue to do so," he suddenly said that caressed my heart and warmth, "You'll be my first and last. I will hope and wish you are," he added with a new set of tears started to form again,
"We will work hard, Seonwoo. We are going to make it happen and work." I assured him because there's no way, baby, I will let you go. I didn't wait this long just to let you go in the middle,
"But believe me, Sun, I did choose you every day and will keep choosing you," I continued to assure him; it's always been you, Just you from the start.
"I, too, I'll choose you every day, just like the past four years without fail, My Riki," He said, which made me smile. 'My Riki, sounds right, baby. I would like you to claim me like that." I replied didn't hide how I loved that.
Tears threaded my cheeks non-stop, but I didn't bother to hide it, 'Happiest' isn't enough to describe what I was feeling right now. My heart was beating fast, just like the first time it did for him, fast, loud and hard. His stares make me feel dizzy, and his beauty is mesmerizing and enchanting. Yet, poison on my system, preventing me from thinking straight.
"I want to kiss you." I didn't know where that came from. All I knew was I wanted to kiss him, "You can," he assured me, even he didn't know if I was asking permission.
"There's a lot of eyes. Everyone could see us? The table has turned, and I was asking the same question he asked me before I smiled when I heard a word that was very familiar to me, "Since when I cared?" he replied as he scrunched his nose, I lost it,
When the song ended, "I love you too, My pretty, I always did and always will," I told him softly and full of sincerity as I stared straight into his eyes,
I cupped his cheeks; my heart continued to beat booming, trying to get out of my chest. I slowly leaned to him and kissed him; there were a thousand volts ran on my body when I felt my soft lips on his. It was intoxicating. I was drunk-sober from so many emotions of love I yearned for the last four years.
There were fireworks inside me.
I kissed him slowly, gently tilting my head to have better access. I saw him smile for a bit, which drove me crazy, the shallowness of kisses turned passionate.
I lost it more when he cupped my cheeks as his other hand rested on my shoulder. He returned every kiss I gave him. I felt weak; my knees were melting. I pulled him closer for support and continued to kiss him softly. We only let go when we're out of breathing.
We heard wild cheered and teasing of the crowds as they clapped their hand for us and congratulated us. My cheek heated but didn't feel slight embarrassment, Sun hugged me, hiding on my shoulder, but I just laughed,
"What? Your boyfriend was too good. What are you embarrassed about." I teased with a smile I couldn't hide. Calling myself his boyfriend gave me butterflies in my stomach as if the existing zoos weren't enough. "Who's embarrassed?" he asked, a bit sassy even her cheeks were burning red.
Who knew we were going to be together on that very night? Who would know we would own that night for us and become our 'A night to remember?' Even us didn't. Even we didn't know we would seal it with a kiss, slow dancing in each other arms showing so freely how much we love and yearn for one another for the past and lost years. All I knew was I was thankful it did and we did.
It could be the bravery of us trying or the right timing after four years, and also could be it just our time to find each other after a long time. Still, whatever it is, I was just thankful it happened. In the night, we didn't want to be ordinary. We happened.
And I'll put my life on the line to make sure that it would not be the last as I would not waste the opportunity to be with him. Making him feel how much I love him, how he means the world to me and making every day and night for us to remember in their own way.
My pretty believed A night like that were bestowed to us, but if you are going to asked me, it was created by us. Just like how we made it happen by trying and meeting halfway to make us happen.
Just like that one-of-a-kind night happened to us that we will remember in our whole life, perhaps he was that 'Night To Remember' for me as he was the reason why I would want to look back and reminisce at that night and nothing else.
It wasn't the night itself but him alone,
'My Seonwoo, My Pretty, and My A night To Remember."