A drink. My tongue is as dry as the Sahara desert right now. I need a drink ASAP. What on earth had possessed me to want to throw a party in this place? I haven't even gotten inside but everything in me trembles with pure fear. Gigantic goosebumps line up my skin as I walk up the steps of the cabin. The wooden steps crank under my feet's pressure. With each little noise, my spirit sinks a little deeper into desperation.
What made me think I could have a party here? If it wasn't for my insatiable thirst for pay back, I wouldn't be freaking out right now. I've done everything possible to avoid this place in the past ten years and finally here I am. I'm about to open a door I've slammed shut long ago just because of that man. Why? Just why couldn't I let things go? I let that one memory go – the one I shouldn't have – but after that I've always been just a web of grudges.
Secrets, so many secrets. That's what this cabin has been decorated with. Every little corner of it is hiding something but no one suspect it. Through the window, I see teenagers and grown-ups alike walk around, greeting each other like it's just another party. Can't they feel it, too? The sorrow, the hurt. It's all suffocating me.
"Rachel, come on. You're late." Cassie comes running up to me half way through the stairs. "Darwin is going to be here any minutes."
"He's not here yet?" So I'm the only one beating myself up. What if he doesn't show up? It wouldn't really surprise me since he's known for running away when the situation is no longer fun for him.
"No, but everybody else is. Come on," she drags me in.
As soon as the door opens, the memories come rushing. My face burns as if someone has just slapped me. I try to listen to the conversations but every sound is muffled as if I'm under water. My head begins to spin uncontrollably. What's happening to me?
"Rachel, are you okay?" I blink to see Cassie and little Miss Sunshine staring at me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer in a whisper so low that even my own ears have trouble detecting it.
Miss Sunshine places one cold palm on my forehead, "Are you sure? You look pale and you're burning up."
"I said I'm fine," I nearly shout as I swat her hand away from me. I can't believe the audacity of that girl. Who the hell she thinks she is?
"Why don't you go be with your boyfriend and leave us alone?" I grab Cassie and turn around to leave only to have her follow us.
"Brandon didn't want to come. I have no idea why. He was all up for it then he instantly shut down as soon as I told him where the party was."
That stops me. I should have known he wasn't going to come. Coward. It seems like I'm surrounded by cowards.
"I would say join us," a smile brightens her face, "but I wouldn't mean it so no, you can't join us."
I place a gentle hand on her forearm when her smile fades away, "I know it hurts now but trust me, it's for your own good. It's not safe to be around people who don't like you." I tilt my head toward Cassie.
She emits a large gasp and stomps away after throwing the dirtiest look at Cassie. You'd think people would learn not to always trust my word by now.
"What did you tell her? She looked like she wanted to skin me alive."
"Don't be so overdramatic Cassie, the girl obviously has a problem. This morning she called me to ask why I let you dress like a whore."
"She said that?" Cassie whines in my ears.
"Dear God!" I feign a shock expression, "I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry Cassie, I tend to talk too much."
"No, I'm glad you told me," she sniffs back the tears.
"Do you need a minute?" Please say yes, please say yes. I really don't want to spend the entire night with her.
"No, I'm fine."
"Good," I answer as cheerfully as I can. "Let's go find something to drink before the man of the hour comes."
We make our way toward the kitchen and I grab a coke in the freezer but before I snap it open, I hear the sounds I've been waiting for since that day at the mall. I run out of the kitchen, desperate to captivate Darwin's face.
When I step out of the kitchen, I push myself through the crowd. By the time I reach the front door, Darwin's eyes have already been locked on me. They stop me in my track. His usual smug look has been replaced by a completely murderous one. If we were alone, I have no doubt that he wouldn't mind murdering me and burying my body in the woods.
A burning chill inches itself on my already hot skin. People keep trying to stop him to talk but he marches determinedly toward me. He grabs my arm and drags me upstairs where we could have privacy.
Once he pushes me inside a bedroom and closes the door, he begins to huff. He's not talking or moving. Only the sounds of our heavy breathing could be heard in the room. I don't feel so confident about this plan anymore.
"I'm trying to decide whether you're a sadist or a masochist?"
"Wh...?"
"Because you got to be pretty damn sick to want to have a party here. What is wrong with you, Rachel?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I sit on the edge of the bed. "I just wanted to make something special for my dear old Uncle D." I flash him my most sarcastic smile.
"You think this is funny?"
"Oh come one, what's the big deal? It's just a stupid cabin you used to come play in when you were little. I only organized the party here because I thought it has some kind of emotional value to you. If you really hate it, I guess I can tell everyone to leave." I get up to leave but he blocks my way out.
"You need to drop the act, Rachel. What happened here was...?"
"Nothing," I growl, warning him to stop trying to walk into banned territory. "Nothing happened here. The past is the past, everybody moved on and so should you."
"Have you?" His eyes stay on mine as if he's trying to get the answer from my mind. "Have you really forgotten everything?"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore so move out of my way." I make another attempt to flee the room that is now fill with unwanted memories. I should have known this would have happened.
Darwin finally moves aside to let me out. "I'm sorry," he says before I get out. I run downstairs frantic for a drink.
Unfortunately, I bump into the talkative nerd. "Oh, hey Rachel. I didn't see you there."
"Great, now you do so get out of my way."
"Is it just with me or are you that mean with everyone?"
"Luke...,"
"It's Mike."
"Whatever," I continue, "I'm really not in the mood for a heart-to-heart with anybody especially not with some idiot who happened to get in my way." I slide past him and into the kitchen. I drain two cokes in a couple of seconds.
Alcohol, I need alcohol. I search through the cabinets but it's all clean.
"If you're looking for the booze, it's not in here. We wanted to make sure all of the parents are gone before letting the real party starts," says Cassie behind me.
"Thanks," I reply.
"Where are you going?" She calls after me.
"To find the booze," I yank the backdoor open.
I walk quickly to my car, my thoughts only focused on alcohol. I don't want to think about anything else. In the corner of my eyes, I catch a movement at the window overlooking inside the cabin's living room.
When I turn my eyes to see who it is, my brain shocks me from the strong déjà vu that's facing me. Brandon stands with a hoodie over his head, his eyes betraying all of the pain, all of the unspoken words I crave so much to hear from him. A sole tear strolls down his cheek but he wipes it and flees before I can attempt to open my mouth.
Running away seems to be an everyday occurrence for the people around me, now. Even I have been running for ten years and I haven't stop. I've tried but I need more than my own willpower to help me. I want him to stop running with me. I want him to offer me his shoulders to cry on.
Fill with solemn and fear, I climb inside of my car and speed toward the nearest drugstore with my fake ID by my side. Tonight, I'm drowning in alcohol.