Chapter One: Desperate
"How desperate can you be?"
How desperate could I be? It is a question that has been swinging around in my head along with many others of my own. It was the last question you had asked me before you ended things. One of many questions that stuck with me.
You knew how desperate I would be for you. Only you had known. You saw me begging, crying and pleading. Doing anything as long as it meant that I could keep you. You could easily get what you wanted, and you did, with how desperate I was - probably still am.
However, the day you had asked me that question it wasn't aimed to be pleasing - or an obnoxious joke that you like to make along with the other hurtful ones - you had asked this to hurt me when I just wanted you to notice me again. I didn't picture it to go so wrong.
Then again - everything I did was wrong in your eyes.
It wasn't always like that, Ethen.
You had actually liked me when I had met you. You actually wanted me to notice you and to like you back. You tried everything to get my attention - I was new in collge, even though I was dating someone at the time, you did not let that stop you.
I thought of it as cute, as in "no-one-will-ever-do-this-for-me" kinda way. I thought that you really liked me and wanted me. That you need me as much as I needed someone like you at that time.
My boyfriend, Michael, at the time, he wasn't like you. He wasn't fun, outgoing or smooth like you. He was determined and hard working. He was out of college already, had finished the year prior, and wanted to start with his life. He got a job and studied further online - barely had time for me.
I felt neglected and craved for attention - even if it was from you.
I am still today so much upset about it that I feel disgusted with myself. Michael and I were still dating when you took me on a date, smooth talked me into falling for you.
***
"Hi, Claire? Right?" You grinned at me when I looked over the book I was reading upon hearing my name. I could feel my cheeks flush when I spot your white-teeth-dimpled smile. I instantly felt the guilt dip in my stomach and regret my reaction.
What would Michael think of you?
"Uh - yeah...hi?" I frown questioningly back at you and your smile just seems to get bigger. I couldn't help the shy smile spreading across my lips as well, but a grunt next to me made me break eye contact with you. Tasha, who is next to me also reading some book, gave me a weary look.
It was probably where the first sign of red waved at me bright and clear, but I bluntly ignored it.
"I am Ethen." You just kept on being charming without a beat, like we weren't just interrupted by a very upset looking Tasha. Like I wasn't a total stranger sitting in a desk at college in a room that I have never noticed you before.
How have I not noticed you? You are so charming and attractive. Where did you come from?
You had a big built - like you gym a lot and you had a charming face with dimples and long lashes around your forest green eyes. Your hair flops over your forehead and you seem to carry yourself with so much confidence. Like you know who you are and who you will be.
Something I lack off.
After class it was a free period and Tasha and I were making our way to the little coffee shop across from us - Mary's Coffee and Cake. She seemed off at that time, and I was too consumed with the idea of you talking to me in class that I didn't realise her brooding until we sat down.
"Do not fall for his charms." Her warning come out of nowhere and left me confused. Fall for who's charms? I thought, even though it was obvious who she had meant. "Ethan has a way of luring girls in and demolishing them. He is not worthy of you and I want you to stay back." She warned again and I just shrug, pretending that I have no idea who she is talking about.
***
You didn't wait on yourself - in two days time you already had my phone number and was talking with me every chance we could. You even got me in trouble once when I had my phone out in class. I was so consumed in your text message that I have not realised that Mrs McMann was towering over me with her hand open.
***
"Claire, I thought you knew better than this." Her eyes showed her disappointment when I stood at her desk after the period. "I am sorry ma'am. I didn't mean to be on my phone, I just got a very important text and I needed to answer right away." My explanation was pathetic and here I was already making excuses for you.
Very little did I know that this would merely be the start of a very long, exhausting journey. One which I need to make peace with.
You were standing outside my class when I came out, stuffing the phone in my bag to ensure that I do not get in trouble again. I didn't notice you until I had looked up and spotted your gorgeous face with your charming smile.
"You didn't respond to my text." Was your simple sentence, and another red blob invaded my alarm system, but I looked pass it. "Yeah, sorry, Mrs McMann saw me on my phone and we were in the middle of an assignment." I do not know why I had felt obligated to give you an explaining, but there I was, rambling.
"Yeah, she has always been a stuck up bitch. At least you got your phone back." You grinned again and I felt my knees get weak. I try to remain calm, to be me. Cool girl, calm girl. "Can I walk you home?" You offered and I shook my head, almost immediately.
It is the first time in a long time that Michael can come and get me. I do not want to miss the opportunity, even though I could feel the guilt sinking in again when I think of him and what I am feeling towards you.
"Your bloke coming to get you?" I could have sworn that I heard irritation in your voice, and I had defended Michael that day when you had called him bloke. I could see that it had upset you. "What would he say if he saw the way you look at me? If he knew what we talk about -" You wave your phone in front off me with a cheeky smile - "On the phone."
***
I remember feeling desperate then - and at that time I could actually feel being desperate - because I did not want Michael to know about us. I did not want anyone to know about us. Not even Tasha, who was my best friend at the time. My only friend.
You only smirked when I pleaded you not to make things difficult for me. I pleaded you! A complete stranger who already had some kind of hold on me. Some kind of spell. At the time I did not want to think too much about it.
And as the weeks had passed, I had find myself where I wanted you and Michael - because it was like Michael could sense I was pulling away and he started making time for me again. He took me out and spoke about work, studies and I spoke about my classes as well. He asked me how I am dealing with everything and how I feel - something I have craved for someone to ask me.
***
"Hey!" I looked behind me at the sudden call and made eye contact with you. Your perfect eyes. "I haven't heard from you in a while, beautiful." The compliment didn't go unnoticed by me, and you knew it. You knew what to say and when to say it. It has been an entire week and Michael has been so wrapped in me that I didn't want to risk seeing him talking to you.
"Yeah, just been busy." Was my lame excuse and you accepted it. You started trotting along with me to class, and you seemed to be thinking about something since you were so quiet. "What's on your mind?" I ask after a few quiet seconds.
You look up to meet my eyes and your dimples decide to show themselves again. "I was just thinking if you would like to go on a date with me?" The air left my lungs at that very moment. You just asked me on a date.
I am still with Michael. I can't do this.
"But - Michael -." You sighed, actually sighed dramatically and threw your head back in exasperation. "You told me that you didn't want to be with him anymore because he doesn't give you what you want." I could sense a hint of an argument and felt confused.
Why would you argue with me? I am in a relationship and I do not want to cheat. I am still very much a stranger to you and even if I do have feelings for you, I am not willing to leave the relationship I have now for you.
Michael and I have been dating for almost over a year now, and he finally got time for me again. We just had a rough patch and I took a wrong turn, but I am turning back now.
"I am still with him, and as long as I am with him I am not disrespecting him." I am stern, well as stern as I can be. I do not like arguing, or fighting, it isn't in my nature. My parents use to do so all the time, hence the reason for their divorce, and my mother and step father has also been very argumentative with one another. I do not like the idea of arguing or starting it.
You knew that, but not at this time.
"So what? Are you one of those girls that if you get attention from the one guy then you suddenly ditch the other?" Your words shocked me. How could you say that about me? You barely even knew me. "And besides, you already disrespected him by texting me with all those hearts and kisses."
I didn't fight back, I didn't want to. I could feel the disappointment sinking to my stomach. I did that to Michael. I am such a terrible person.
***
You had hurt me that day for the first time, and we didn't even know each other or dated one another. You didn't even try to hide the fact that you have broken me, put a crack in my foundation that I have tried to protect so nicely.
I remember how you have tried to make me jealous - you had a new girl hanging on your arm every week. You posted a new girl on your story every other day and you made it your duty to ensure that I was looking whenever you decided to hug one and grab their arse, or when I accidently look in your direction then you dive your tongue down another's throat.
I tried not to let it faze me, because I have Michael and I am in a happy relationship. You are just a little stupid crush that will go away and I do not need you.
I am not that desperate to leave something good for something fun.
Oh, how wrong was I.
You knew how to play with my feelings and how to make me crave your attention without having to say anything. I hated that about myself whenever I saw Michael's face. I hated that I found myself fantasizing about you and about an "us" with Michael right next to me.
Now when I think back - maybe I was desperate then. Maybe you made me that desperate.
Michael and I had ended things not too long after I had cut ties with you. I had hope that maybe we could restore those ties, but a new girl in school got your attention and you left me craving once again. Desperate once again.
Chelsea. Her name was Chelsea and Chelsea, she was a try hard. She was pretty, and she knew it, and she thought that looks was all that mattered. She was a pretty girl in the wrong crowd, and she became my best friend.
Of course you took it upon yourself to get her attention, like you tried to get mine. You made dirty jokes, gave compliments, winked at her. I was sitting right next to her most of the time, but that didn't stop you. Tasha had warned Chelsea too, but Chelsea...poor Chelsea.
She wanted your attention because you were the typical stereotype guy to her typical stereotype mind. You were the guy that she could change, and who will change her.
I remember the day you had asked her out, how could I ever forget?
***
"Happy birthday," Chelsea grins as she hands me my present. Thanking her, I try to place the present with the rest, but she snatches it off the table and pushes it into my hands again.
"Go on," She urges with the biggest grin plastered on her face. "Okay, okay!" I laugh, and start to peel the paper open. Our smiling faces grins back at me from the photo frame and I giver her a pout. "It is lovely, thank you." I take it out the box.
You made your appearance, no present, just a hug and a mumble "Happy birthday," leaving me confused as ever. Leaving me wondering why I had invited you if you were going to be sour. I only realized later on that you only came for Chelsea when I spot you entertaining her on the couch.
You got closer to her, almost pressing up against her, and like me she is oblivious to your obvious ways of trying to seduce her. The attention that you are giving her now, she will crave when you decide to entertain a new girl. That's just what you do.
You leave a trail of broken hearts wherever you go.
Yet, that didn't stop me to fall for you, and hard.
***
I got upset with you and Chelsea, because Chelsea knew how madly in love I am with you and she took that opportunity right out of my hands. She took you.
Her attitude towards me had changed dramatically. She got more distant with me, cancelled plans with me because of you. I didn't see the red flags in your relationship then. The way her style had dramatically changed, the way she pushed everyone away, or the fact that she never did anything to looking pleasing like she always did.
I was too focused on my anger towards her that I broke contact with her. I couldn't take it to see you groping her in the hallways, or near me. I couldn't take it how you looked me dead in the eye when you kissed her or groped her.
You guys didn't last long anyway. Three months in the relationship and Chelsea had to move away. You didn't want to do the long distance, and not long after I was the main attraction in your eyes again. Tasha had distant herself from me when Chelsea and I had an argument about you.
I literally had no friends and only wanted your attention.