Chapter 3
Chuuya was very happy that he successfully a made a good friend. Dazai can be a lifelong friend if he stays at Chuuya's good side. But Chuuya could say that Dazai might be a good soul but his kindness is the result of the sheer pain that he has faced at this tender age. Chuuya knew because he saw himself in Dazai, as if he is looking into a convex mirror, not the exact picture but pretty much the same. The way Dazai talks with his friends, Oda and Angou,
reveals that he does trust them but still linger at a distance. He
masks his expressions so well and is always so stiff with revealing
his true pain that suggests that he hasn't shared the most important part with anyone (Chuuya concluded it because Dazai mentioned that Oda is his best friend while Oda don't know what
is wrong with Dazai though he does know that something /is/
wrong).
Chuuya decided that he will help Dazai and would stay in touch
with him even after he is off to Aomori.
Poor soul didn't knew what is coming next...... something that will trigger and would leave a
scar forever and ever, like Ella Wheeler Wilcox said in her poem
life's scar:-
But, soon or late, the fact grows plain
To all through sorrows test
The only folks who give us pain,
Are those we love the best.
Chuuya, while ascending the staircase, was telling Dazai about his girlfriend who happens to be his roommate. He was proud to say that they have been together for a year now. Chuuya may and may not have noticed Dazai's smiles being more forced than genuine and his features slightly drooping. Chuuya stopped talking about Yasuko if it is anything to go by. Who knows how many people have played with the brunette's feelings or even if anyone has......
Chuuya reached to the handle of the sliding door and pushed it
open. Chuuya was shocked to see that Yasuko was sitting on the tatami cushion and was scribbling something on a washi. The bad feelings that had been creeping on his skin started flooding in. 'At least not in front of him', he thought.
She craned her head to the door as soon as Chuuya opened it and came running towards him and said, "Chuuya, thanks heaven you returned, or else I was beginning to think I am going to bid you farewell through a paper"
Dazai was shocked - but also very happy, no delighted- by her statement. It felt as if lady luck has grown to like him. As per for Chuuya..........
His sapphire eyes were open wide with shock as he sharply inhaled
the chilly cozy air inside. For Chuuya expected this, he somehow managed to control the tears that were welling inside his tear duct and were urging to come out. His heart was contracting inside, but he restrained himself from putting his hand on his chest. Till yesterday, he has read that it is very painful when your heart contract from pain, which he thought was only a myth, but now that it is more tangible he thinks he can write a hundred poems about it without repeating the same thing over and over.
Chuuya didn't held up his wilted head and with a sad smile he said,
"Why did you came to tell me, you could have just left you know"
"Oh yes I could! But... I just wanted to see how much stuff is there to carry. I forgot to tell you I have been at Kobayashi's and would stay there from now on"
Now Chuuya, Dazai as well, wondered if Yasuko is saying this on purpose: to tear Chuuya's poor, already torn, heart apart. Whether or not, the weight of it was crushing Chuuya like tomato is squished beneath watermelon.
With a bitter smile Chuuya said with blunt politeness, "Now that
you have seen, you can go. Kobayashi must be waiting for you at the station"
"How do you know he is here?", asked she, baffled as if Kobayashi knew none other than her. As if he didn't have friend to spend time with other than her.
"My love might not tell me that she is leaving me but I have friends that care for me sweetly just like my clumsy gardeners", said Chuuya with a bittersweet smile that soon transformed into a plain line. His eyes, which were blank till now flared up with scary rage and he gave Yasuko a stern look that Yasuko and Dazai visibly bristled from fear. Dazai was just comparing how different Chuuya is from him: how he just let a guy crush his heart and walk away. Yasuko too will walk away but with a lesson in mind.
(Dazai later on told himself that that the look Chuuya gave was for her not him.)
Dazai made a mental note not to never betray Chuuya and always hold him close-
Dazai halted his thoughts from straying any further. No, no Dazai. This situation is critical and needs cautious approach.
Yasuko saw it as her queue to leave and move towards the genken and wore her sandals. She looked behind and faced the back of Chuuya who had stiffed shoulders and was standing cross hands. Dazai on the other hand was looking at her with half linden chocolate eyes watching her with a disapproving gaze. Dazai's lips were drawn into a horizontal line, his facial expression screamed of utter bitterness. Something gave the girl enough guts to bow, and when Dazai didn't even budge she turned and left with a face of despair. She should've known by now that it's not fair to dump someone like that and then mock them. Like it or not people have their pride above all things and making them feel trivial is the least civilized action, if at all. Though wise people know it very well but some fellow people consider others as some big joke. At the end of the day, by
assuming such they only make fun of themselves, especially if they are facing someone with the self-esteem as of Chuuya.
Dazai would have happily said that Chuuya has not being wrong. But............
Assuming you have met your soul mate in this tender age, when one only starts to realize that all their dreams are not true, that life
holds much challenge than you previously thought, that finding
even a true friend is no less than trying to find a pearl on the
surface of an ocean, that life has so many corners filled with sheer
sorrow and pain. (Dazai just realized it after the rejection. But
knowing the pain Dazai really wants if he could warn Chuuya
beforehand.) Hence Dazai had resigned to approach Chuuya and
ask him if he would like some water but Chuuya shook his head
sideways in response. Dazai yet again started drooping as if he is a
pliable sunflower which is wilting and then is back to shining, with respect to the position of Sun. Dazai was sulking for he thought that Chuuya is not feeling good, even around /him/. He could literally feel the rejection he felt yesterday and he wanted to let out the cry of absolute anguish like he had then.
Today when he felt himself falling yet again he just
wanted to replace his heart with a stone. He wanted to be friends
with Chuuya but couldn't want to have anything more. But this
craving for love and care makes people so blind that rather than giving and having support they totally lean on their partners,
leaving their back vulnerable (especially teenagers, according to
Dazai, after all the books he has read about adolescence and his
own experience). Desire is the best friend if used with efficiency
and knowledge but after freeing it, it turns into the craving that is
capable of consuming the whole mankind and demolish the
human in the hands of this heedless craving. Hence some people resolved to totally eliminate this desire while others try to acknowledge that when it is a true desire and when it is a heedless craving. Dazai is trying to do the latter but fighting off this craving is no easy task for him. In a way befriending Chuuya in itself is a challenge for Dazai's heart. Dazai was busy loathing himself and thinking of a way to cheer up Chuuya. Dissolved in his thought
Dazai jerked a little when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The hand
was still resting on his shoulder when he looked up towards
Chuuya who was smiling at him. It was a small smile but a genuine
one filled with utter pleasure.
Chuuya pulled up his other hand and knocked at the side of Dazai's head with his knuckle.
"Don't hurt your pretty little head with a lot of thinking, nay- " Dazai tried to open his mouth- "no, no protest, it all is written on your forehead", Chuuya said. Just how can Chibi read the most typical mystery so easily, as if an open book. Dazai wondered profoundly.
But more surprisingly redhead's voice wasn't that hoarse but still it gave some hint of recent crying. Tears dried on his face were ghost of the breakdown Chuuya must have been fighting inside himself.
When Dazai didn't said anything Chuuya started, but this time he
couldn't condemn the tears that came down his chubby cheeks like
sweat on an athlete's face.
"Dumb you. You just want to make me feel better, I know. But you
don't know that I am feeling a lot better with just your presence with me even after....... that...."
Next, Chuuya tied Dazai in his embrace, a tight one. Normally Dazai would resist due to the suffocation but for now he could not complain as he wanted to make the redhead feel better. And also because Chuuya was so tiny that he was glued to his chest so that Dazai could breathe more than just enough. He embraced the chibi back so that Chuuya won't feel like he is clinging to Dazai.
(Of course no selfish desires are involved!)
"Chuuya I know it must be hurtful but please don't feel low. It is
coming out of experience", Dazai's worried voice said.
Due to the remarkable difference between their heights Chuuya's
ear on Dazai's chest, where he could easily listen to his heart beats, nodded. Those were the heart beats that calmed him not even 24 hrs ago. He sheepishly parted a little to look up in Dazai's tender eyes which promised of kindness and selflessness. He nodded his head sideways and conjured a lopsided grin, not out of mischief but simply because it was too hard to pull up both the side of his mouth right now.
"I am the moron here. I know I was not enough but.... I really
believed that my love will outdo my other flaws..."
Dazai didn't know how to stop Chuuya from loathing himself: he couldn't ever do it for himself. So he just ended up petting Chuuya's head.
"You know what Dazai"
"hmm...." Dazai gestured Chuuya to continue.
"I am really glad that someone is here who is comforting me not
because they pity me but rather because they understand me".
By now they had totally parted away but still stood close, it was a
comforting proximity.
Dazai's face lit up like a candle lit ablaze. There was no one on the moment when he got rejected and he drank the night away, alone. There was no one to hold him close and say "it is ok". There was no one on the moment when he absolutely wanted someone. Now, being that someone to
somebody else make him feel so good.
"Osamu", Chuuya took the privilege himself to call Dazai from his first name. When he found Dazai rather happy on being called by his first name Chuuya lighten up as well and continued, "Thank you... but I also want to be a good friend. So if there is something that's
bothering you, just say it, ok?"
Considering that Chuuya is not in the state of listening to his
inhumane sorrow, Dazai shook his head and said, "later".
Chuuya slightly drooped, but not very visibly, but subtly. Seems like he is debating on whether Dazai doesn't believe him or is worried of him again facing a nervous breakdown like in that damn event. Anyways, Chuuya said ok and offered to cook food for Dazai.
Dazai gasped and said,"Can chibi cook?"
Chuuya was engulfed in the flames of utter rage. He clenched his fist and threw many creative insults - that held no bite - at Dazai, but Dazai was happy for he knew that this is just a charm of their (which is going to be a unique) friendship.
Chuuya was struggling to believe that Yasuko has left him. The sub conscious part of his brain could not believe it yet; Chuuya was still in a daze.
Dazai and Chuuya agreed on making spicy yakimeshi. They both enjoyed it with some sake. Dazai was overjoyed to know that Chuuya like something he does. Now who can explain it to Dazai
that sake is widely famous and who the hell doesn't like it, ok some people may not like it but many do. And well Dazai agreed for yakimeshi for Chuuya suggested it, in hopes that Chuuya won't think that he is being a saddle on the red head's shoulder.
Dazai was sitting peacefully while Chuuya was preparing their meal. He was squatting near the chabudai and taking in the room
he has been sitting in for a while. It was small (a two room set) but it
was cozy. The ranma was beautifully carved with abstract patterns famous in traditional Japan.
With Chuuya peacefully preparing food and with little
conversation which they had once in a while, all gave Dazai a feeling of being at home. Care, which he never got how much a child should, was very alluring. Chuuya was too gentle but not very formal, which Dazai rather adored. He was using casual verbs and pronouns, didn't even cared for any salutation, Chuuya would only call him "Osamu" or "bandage rack".
(A/N It is just typical Japanese language that has formal and informal verbs and pronouns unlike in English).
He never felt much at home like he is doing now. Even after being surrounded with dozens of friends he never visited a single one despite of them calling him most of the time. He just simply couldn't bring himself to believe that he would ever feel good anywhere. It was mostly Angou and Oda who visited him or else they would meet at a bar
far from both their homes. He never felt good at lupin but it was
better than being at home, or rather what he likes to call it,
Tsushima mansion. It was not his home but just a show of
architecture.
"Osamu", Chuuya said.
"Yes", Dazai craned his head up.
"Don't think too much", though Chuuya didn't elaborate. Maybe
for he wasn't sure about what Dazai was over thinking. But Dazai's face said that he was.
Yes the great Dazai Osamu was being open with someone. Masking his emotion has been his second nature but suddenly he felt so comfortable that he forgot to do so. Dazai blushed at how
vulnerable he is letting himself be.
No no Dazai. Don't repeat that again. Chuuya could be a good friend, don't do
anything to spoil that.
For some reason the thought of losing a friend like Chuuya trigged
Dazai more than the rejection had.
Maybe because the value of true friendship is more than the love of teenage hormone, of mere sexual attraction? Dazai hated to admit it but now he had realized that he fell in a relationship not out of love but of self insecurity, he was afraid that he would be left behind with no one to pick him up. That he wouldn't be loved. And he would admit that he
didn't try to even know that he had rushed things up.
Chuuya on the other hand had leaned in too much on his partner
and he didn't even try to know if Yasuko was worth him, like he did tried to know whether he
was worth her.
Young love is not bad but taking decision in this tender age is. Young love is pretty much like the young friendship,
free of the filth of selfishness and corruption. It is weird that some
people learn to love another for the sake of money, fame or some
other reason. Young love, as I see it, must always be treasured but
one should not take life decisions based on pure impulse. For
the parliament of feelings have two opposition party and no ruling party.
Brain and heart would debate on the matter and one that got the most vote, that decision would be sent to the president who has all
the power, in other words, to 'We'.
After considering all this philosophy of his (and author's), he thanked for the food
to Chuuya after eating and asked him if they could retire to bed. Chuuya nodded up and down. They swiped the table clean together and Chuuya put the dishes to be washed at the sink. He then gave his and Dazai's futon mattress to Dazai so that he can lay them meanwhile Chuuya does his night duty.
Dazai lied on the comfortable mattress in his night Yukata. He was staring up at the ceiling while thinking whether making a new
friend and staying at their home would be considered a mischief by his father. He resolved to bribe Angou and Oda to not let his father know of any of this.
His mind was racing like horse but Dazai won't remember what his last thought was when he fell into a deep slumber. Poor boy was
exhausted from today's drama and now was snoring, but not
peacefully. Like always Dazai was tossing in sleep and was being restless in his sleep. Then came the same terrible nightmare where in a dark abyss the only source of heat and light was bolting away from him. His legs seemed to be fastened to the ground and he could only yell infra sounding screams and cry in utter anguish.
With a start Dazai was up. His chest was heaving from the impact and he was sweating hard as if in fever.
He heard the door jostled open and Chuuya flooding in to reach him.
"What happen! Are ya 'k Osamu!"
Chuuya's voice calmed him a bit. And it actually helped when the
ginger entrapped him in his embrace tightly but comfortingly. He felt so trivial and childlike for it and he was sure his face must be as red as Chuuya's hair right now but he thanked any God out there for the room was dimly lit.
"A nightmare?"
Dazai nodded a yes from his head on Chuuya's chest. Dazai totally
felt like a damsel in distress. His face turned a darker shade of red,
if that was even possible. The brunet was bathing in embarrassment today but to Dazai it was far better than feeling nothingness. This embarrassment was lulling him to humanity, from which he thought he ceased long ago. Ah! How much for a 16 year to hold! But for Dazai someone inhuman like him shouldn't be mistaken as a kid and shouldn't be judged with age. So no mercy did he considered for himself.
The sentimental side of Dazai's mind closed as he was engulfed in
utter amusement. Chuuya was actually a...... weirdo, not that he
minded. Chuuya had a very uncommon daily routine. He would stroll in the town the whole afternoon and evening to collect
material for his poems. Then he would read through the night and
would sometime write. And as the dawn would crack he would
stretch his muscles and would retire to bed. But it was not the
redhead's uncommon daily routine that shocked Dazai. Dazai's reddish brown eyes were staring at the sleeping figure at a meter's length from him. Chuuya was sleeping on his side facing Dazai. His body was sprawled on the futon mattress as he made soft and bearable snoring sounds. Dazai's doe eyes were fixated on the little drool on Chuuya's face, nightmare long forgotten. He didn't had someone to sleep in the same room as him for a long while. With some little thought Dazai crawled closer and ended up putting his palm over the redhead's hand and feel the warmth and vitality of a /sleeping/ ginger. Huff, how can someone be so full of life even when they are fast asleep.
Chuuya's sleeping time has begun, in other words, dawn has broken
and warm sun light was peeping in through the ranma, the engraved window. Dazai
woke up from his 2 hours of slumber and that is literally the most decent sleep he had in a while. Maybe a body at some foot's distance has more pros then cons, i.e. if any.
He stretched himself like a lanky cat and got up, rolled his futon
and kept it aside in a corner of the room. Chibi lived in this traditional house more like a
minka (mostly associated with dwellings of farmers etc.) than anything. Yet this house was cozier than his house at Aomori, The Tsushima mansion, that was filled with servants and luxury that they could have even in the post war era. Aristocrats which he dare say has slightly fallen than before, so it was a huge deal.
Chuuya woke up earlier than he usually do. He pulled out a pocket
watch from his pillow side and gave it a glance. But rather than
glancing at the time he started entrancing the light but elegant
designing at its corners. It was a gift from his father he received
after a much complicated test that his father has prepared for him when he was 12,
even he couldn't believe that he gained full in such a high standard test, that included typical structures of cells and classification of biodiversity. Not to forget that goddamn atomic structure. Even when his father was thoroughly impressed with him he only showed it by explaining the typical special theory of relativity. He won't refuse that it took him two weeks to grasp all the terms with
the theory that had just been recently discovered by a young scientist.
Shaking the pleasant memory off he went to check the newspaper
intrigued by the situation of a long time ago defeated Germany.
What he didn't expect was the scenario that was unfolding itself in front of him right now. Dazai was at chabudai reading THE
FORMS THAT HE FILLED FOR A SMALL LITERARY MAGEZINNE! He was feeling quite embaressed after all the praise the brunet gave: at least he must be able to publish his poems at a place that at least /published/ established writers.... his heart started accelerating at a velocity that rivals the speed of light. Not literally because if that was so the mass of his heart would have increased which wasn't the case right now because he can bet his heart suddenly just stopped when Dazai silently turned around and said,
"Happy birthday Chuuya! You must have told me before if I hadn't read this I wouldn't had known", no remorse for touching someone's material without asking, the devil was pouting. And that was it. If he couldn't hear his blood pressure in his ears from how hard his heart was thrumming he would have thought that his soul has finally departed and he regained his lost purity. Chuuya smiled slightly, a soft smile, and whispered a thank you. He told Dazai that how it was mostly his friend Kobayashi who wished him birthday first in the morning and then how he was hoarded with letters by his family.
Today was no different just this time Kobayashi's voice reached him through a letter with a sort of frenemy kind of verse. Which is like:-
I don't like the way you walk,
The way you talk.
You are a mystery that I can't solve.
Let me tell you just three word, (Dazai heart contracted for just a
sec.}
You are I-di-ot, (idiot)
But today I can't just curse you,
So happy birthday to you!
Despite the words the fondness wasn't hidden from either Dazai or Chuuya. Kobayashi was indeed a peculiar friend.
From there ignited a hope in Dazai's desperate heart. Lady luck has given him another chance. So he didn't thought twice and decided that he would make this day memorable for the redhead in every possible way. He just hoped that Angou and Odasaku wouldn't be mad.........
•••••••••
Word count: - 4122
Boo! I am back to living to die again. Actually my periodic tests are going to begin (when I publish it they must be started) so I will only have the time to catch with this story. And as soon as they will end I will start working on the next chapter that is going to be part II of spring madness and will have lot of fluff and 'attempt at humor' in the starting. For other updates for this story you can refer to author notes!
Thank ya! See ye all later! Take care!