23rd August 1980
"How's Nathan..?" Connie teased, jabbing my ribs playfully as we stepped through the coffee shops door. I giggled a little, batting her hand away with a gentle shake of my head that seemed to provide her with an answer good enough. "I can't believe you've already been on like... a dozen dates ! He's hardly your type."
"I know. It's weird. Really weird." I shrugged, sitting down opposite her at an old wooden table decorated with a vase containing just one singular, bright yellow flower that gave it just enough colour to brighten the scene.
"Still... I'm happy for you. It's nice to see you with someone after-"
"Right I'm not with him for starters." I chuckled uneasily. "And yes I know it's nice to see me with someone after Roger. Yeah it's alright... but that's the problem. He's not Roger. I suddenly expect every guy or chick to be as confident as him or as cocky or really just as flirty... but they aren't."
Her eyes widened, watching with a worry in her expression as my head fell into the palm of my hand, fingers tapping against the edge of the table. She took a minute to take in what is said, letting out a relatively deep sigh in the process.
"You're never gonna find another Roger. Roger was Roger. And he was also someone you loved two years ago." She frowned, each word holding a pang of guilt well blended with a twinge of sympathy as they left her down turned lips.
"I know I know. But I'm not saying Nathan's a douche... he's nice. He's really nice. I just... don't know if it needs to be what he wants it to. I mean, a relationship is hardly what I'm looking for."
"Just because you're not looking for it doesn't mean it can't happen. You never went into Charlie's looking for Roger... and look how you two ended up." I clicked my tongue, nodding at the undeniably true statement.
Even years after I could remember the exact moment I met the drummer, the exact smirk he wore and glare he used and drink he ordered. I would still look at his baby blue eyes and like to imagine they would still treasure mine, no matter how far that dream seemed to now be from reality.
"Enough boy chat. I want a coffee." She added, breaking the silence I hadn't even registered to fall in the space between us. "You want the usual yeah ?"
"Please." I nodded, watching with little focus as she left her chair and padded over to the counter, leaving me and my thoughts revolving the polar opposite blonde and brunette alone.
Nathan was nice, and after a couple of very secret dates I couldn't say there was anything about him specifically that would put me off from dating him, but he just wasn't Roger. However Roger was a man I had no chance with ever being with again, his hold on me had never been so empty and cold, leaving his grasp on me he once clenched tightly completely stripped of anything we used to have.
So it was obvious who my attention was bound to be devoted to, and it was gonna be, but I wasn't quite sure it was supposed to be. But Connie had never been so annoyingly right, and there was a fair reason as to why I should follow the path I hadn't been looking to walk down.
"One black coffee for madam." Connie smiled, placing the mug and saucer down in front me that I'd almost forgot I was about to drink, too lost in my thoughts to claim reality in my grasp. "So when are you next seeing Nathan ?"
"Tonight I think. His place..."
"Have you err... you know ?" She giggled, hand prepared to cover her mouth as he cheeks beamed red. My eyes flashed with a slight shock, but they didn't widen for long when I remembered who exactly I was having a conversation with.
"Yes nosey. We have. It was... well it was-"
"Yeah we all know nothing gonna beat Roger when it comes to that field. It's basically he's specialty." We both laughed, nodding as I admitted to her managing to nail the truth on the head.
We sipped our coffees as we paused, both taking a gently taste of the drinks to test their temperatures, in the same moment a small red haired waitress with black heels tapping against the floor approached the table we shared.
"I'm so sorry... but I was just wondering if I could get your autograph. My younger sister's really like you... you're the only person they talk about." She mumbled, her entire face a strawberry red and eyes nervously watching the vibrant flower as she flushed embarrassed.
"Yeah of course." She handed me a magazine with an appreciative smile pulling almost too tightly at her lips. "You're very pretty... and I'm sure your sisters are too. Thanks for the coffee- this place is one of the best around."
"Thank you so much Miss. Petrov." She took the magazine and tip I'd slid completely indiscreetly under the cover, passing it back to her as she giggled excitedly. "I hope you have an amazing day... thank you."
And with that the short lived interaction ended, her heels tapping against the floor as they followed the same route she'd previously taken to make her way over to me and Connie.
"You never wanna admit it but you're a lot nicer than you think. Especially to people like that... you think you're heartless sometimes. But you're really kind."
-
"Hey... you ok ?" Nathan asked, peeling his front door back with a confidence he'd falsely painted himself with. It was weird how he didn't seem one inch nervous, considering in every other interaction we'd had his hand wouldn't rest itself for a moment.
"Yeah not too bad, you alright ?" I replied, hanging my coat besides his on the rack before following him to the sofa, noticing two glasses and a bottle of red wine sat on the coffee table.
"Yeah I'm good thanks. Thought we could have a drink, watch a film, listen to some music, whatever you fancy." He paused as his arm fell slowly around me frame sat almost too far from his on the sofa. "What's your favourite movie ?"
"What's yours firstly ?"
"Star Wars." I shook my head and rolled my eyes playfully, quickly realising he was being fairly serious.
"Mines the Aristocats... the Disney film about the little cats who are all posh-" I stopped when I saw his face screw up, no sign in his expression that told me it was one playfully or jokey.
"Really ? no offence but I'm never gonna watch that. Sorry." He scoffed, the usual nervous tone he used with ease completely empty, instead filling the air between us rather than the voice he spoke with. "Whose your favourite band then ? I suppose I've gotta get to know more about you than what the news tells me..."
"Honestly... probably Queen. I love most bands these days, but I think they've just got a special place in my heart. Have you listened to their new album ?"
"They're ok. Not the best though. Drummer's beats are too basic and I think the singer gains more attention from the press for being gay than he does for singing." Nathan continued, my eyes initially widening until they remembered the secret my 'thing' with Roger had to stay as.
"I don't mind watching whatever you want, I'm easy."
"I think we should just listen to The Police... they're good ain't they ?" He didn't give me a chance to reply as he hopped up from his seat and flicked through his records to find the one he wanted clearly so badly.
I took a glance around the room, noticing his glass had already been coated by the wine I hadn't yet registered to be within an opened bottle. I told myself initially that was what had calmed his usually too prominent nerves, and simply agreed with the terms of it for the time being.
"You want a drink ?" The needle dropped onto the record, giving him time to ask a quick question before the first track began playing.
"I'm not the biggest fan of wine... I'll pass for now. Unless you've got something else." I laughed a little, trying to ease the tenseness as he shrugged. "No worries if not, surprisingly I'm not an alcoholic."
"Im not gonna lie I thought you might of had a bit of an issue with that or something... it would explain why you're a little fuller than most of the other chicks. I mean, I mean that in the nicest way of course. But you look at some of the other girls and there's nothing to them."
"Oh right." I nodded slowly, avoiding letting my eyes meet his as I processed the words that weren't meant to hurt like they did. "Yeah I mean... I'm not like twig thin I'm afraid."
"You're still gorgeous though." He took a large gulp from his glance, placing it down gently before he decided to take an opportunity to share a glance with me I didn't want to stay in for long. He pushed my hair back gently, initially planning to cup my cheek as soft as he could with the hands that seemed only slightly too worn. "How'd you get that scar ?"
I would've told him just as I did Roger, no hesitation or thoughts of doubt behind it, but I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to share any detail of my past with him, not anything that had the relevancy or damage that single gash against my skin did. So I didn't. I didn't say a word to him involving my dad and childhood, but it seemed I let the words slip with ease to Roger.
"Accident when I was younger. Fell down the stairs."
"Oh right... I thought it would've been a little more serious than that." He laughed slightly, deciding to follow through with his initial thoughts and place a kiss almost too fast on my lips. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow... you know- in public."
"I mean... I would, if I wasn't famous. The last thing I want is a dinner that the press print that's full of interruptions. And we've only had a couple of dates, I think this being between us is better off for the time being."
"But what if I asked you to be my girlfriend ? Then would things be different ?"
"They would... but that can't happen just yet. You don't know anything about me."
"Then tell me. Tell me everything about you"
And I did. I told him most things I wanted to. Only they were lies, lies about how I loved my childhood and hadn't yet fallen in love. The truth was something crawling back down my throat, burying itself deep within me to guarantee he couldn't learn it.
An- hey guys how r u doing
thanks for reading <3