2nd July 1978
Tw- abuse, drug use
I didn't waist any time that morning, not letting one second go unoccupied since the moment the alarm clock blared.
I was desperate to go home, trying my hardest to make every passing minute counting down to my flight back pass as quickly as it could. I craved the warmth of my own bed, and the safety of my home, and the thought of knowing I'd never need to come here again.
The incident from last night was one my mum was still clueless to, after coming back from the hospital much later than any of us anticipated. I hadn't yet seen her, meaning she hadn't yet been given the chance to analyse the cut on my face surround my bruises almost as dark as my hair.
Dad had slept on the sofa as far as I knew, passing out after a night of what I could only guess to be full of bags of powders and bottles of beer. I had never been more relived to be leaving him. Before I used to be terrified, scared of the thought of next seeing him, but now I knew I would never bother with him again.
But I was still yet to finally walk out that white wooden door, still not quite relived of turning the pages to my next chapter, which left me stood shyly outside my mums bedroom door with guilt flooding every inch of me.
I gently tapped the door, taking a short breathe in a poor attempt to prepare myself to say goodbye to my mum. She answered with a weak sounding 'come in', which I instantly followed, pushing the door back to watch her gasp as the wooden panel revealed my frame.
"Oh Adeylnn... I'm so sorry." She shot up from bed, rushing over to my frame where she instantly took each of my cheeks in her two hands, her stare with mine edging tears from my eyes. "I knew he would do it when I was gone."
"It's fine... I'm fine." I reassured her, gently grasping each of her wrists to slowly pull them down. "I um... I came to say goodbye. My flights in a couple hours and I ought to get to the airport soon."
"I know I know. I just wish he wasn't here. I would do anything to change it all you know... it destroys me everyday that I just let you have the childhood you did."
"Don't say that. I had you. I've got so many amazing memories with you mum... I would've come back sooner, but I couldn't. And I know you did everything you could... and in all honesty I don't think I turned out too bad." We both chuckled, both falling onto the bed when I noticed she couldn't quite cope with standing up that well.
"You're perfect. And I don't think I've ever been more proud of anyone. You're so strong too..." she sniffled, wiping a pair of tears as she smiled.
"I got that from you. You're the strongest person I've ever known..." she almost yanked me into a hug, tightly holding me in her arms like she would when I was little. "You'll never know how much I really do love you mum."
"I want you to promise me you'll never come back to this bloody house when I'm gone... alright ? I want you to live the best life you can. And I want you to make things work between you and Roger... because you and I both know you've never really loved someone like this before."
"I promise alright ? Now I want you to promise me you'll watch that bloody film I've been out here filming. And promise me you'll answer the phone when I ring you. Cause I'm gonna call you every bloody day." I replied, smiling as she nodded again, another pair of tears falling that she instantly wiped with her shaky hands.
"Of course. You better ring me when you get home. After I'm sure Connie smothers you with hugs like she did when you were little." I laughed, biting down on my bottom lip with a sense of nervousness as my eyes took a final chance to appreciate her worn figure.
Her eyes were always going to sparkle, even when filled with tears she was trying far too hard to hold back, and they matched her smile almost too perfectly. Her face had worn many expressions in it's time, every emoticon it could've, but that was shown in the gentle wrinkles in her skin. They showed how she hadn't just led a life, but she'd really lived a life. I seemed to forget that twenty odd years ago she was one of Hollywood's most prized possessions.
She's worn many bruises in her time too, the most recent one almost fully healed, but she never let them break her smile. She would always have a subtle pull at the corner of her lips when she looked at me, no matter how much she was hurting on the inside, her smile never dared let it show.
"I'm gonna miss you angel..." she kissed my forehead, pushing my hair back as my eyes gently closed. "You'll take care of yourself won't you ?"
"Yeah I will... of course I will." I hugged her one last time, peppering her cheek with dozens of kisses, squeezing her frame with just enough tightness to ensure the warmth of her hold would be unforgettable, before I gently unwrapped from her frame. "Bye mum... I love you."
"I love you more sweetheart..." She blew me a kiss as I closed the door behind me, giving her a final smile as I watched her frame fall back into its original position under the covers.
I sighed deeply, a slightly overwhelming feeling taking to the sprawl of my mind as I crept down the hall to get my suitcase and a big enough pair of sunglasses to cover the deep bruise on the top of cheek. I grabbed the two items, pausing in the door frame as I looked around my old bedroom.
The posters were old, but they still stood proudly, each one the owner of memories I'd almost forgotten I'd made. The bed was glad to have me in it again, the blankets still as itchy as I remembered and pillow still as plump as before.
I slowly shut the door behind me, taking not just my suitcase and glasses with me, but the revived memories too as I stepped down the stairs. I could just about make out dads frame still sprawled across the old sofa, eyes still tightly shut as he remained undisturbed.
Kim was in the kitchen, preparing what seemed to he my mums medication that seemed to be doubling each day. I gave her a small smile and wave, only a simple pair of gesture that marked our goodbye, my eyes more fixed on dads lazy frame rather than her.
The only time he ever seemed peaceful was when he was asleep. But even then I wouldn't dare get too close to him. I couldn't bare the thought. I didn't want to wake him, not one single inch of me wanted to ever hear his voice again, and so I simply just left.
I didn't say goodbye to him, and I didn't need to. I'd said what I'd needed to say to mum, and taken every memory I wanted to keep with me, but I didn't need to even talk to him. I didn't want to. And so I stepped out of the same wooden door I did years and years ago, taking a breath of the air that seemed too fresh and a glance at that sky that felt too blue, finally turning the pages to the new chapter.
I had no idea what the next few pages were going to bring, but I did know that after the second I slammed that white wooden door behind me and walked down that drive way, I'd finally managed to leave the previous one behind.
I wasn't sure how an acting job that only lasted two weeks turned into what it did, and how I suddenly decided that definitely was the last time I would step through that door, but it was.
-
"You're back !" Connie squealed, jumping up from my sofa only moments after I'd unlocked my front door. I wasn't hugely surprised to find her waiting, especially when I knew she often used her spare key to her advantage, but I was caught slightly off guard when she yanked me into a hug.
"Give me a chance to get through the door." I chuckled, dragging my suitcase behind me before dumping it practically in the middle of the floor, throwing my jacket down besides it after she'd let her arms fall from my frame.
"How was it ?"
"It was uh... yeah filming was fine. Boring really. It's all a bit of a blur. I spent some good time with mum though... she said hi. And so did the old record store guy- do you remember him ?" She nodded frantically. "Mum likes Queen now too... and she knows about me and Roger."
"Wow. It doesn't sound like too bad a trip." She smiled, watching at I finally took my my sunglasses as my shoulders gently shrugged. It wasn't until I heard her gasp and watched her hands fly to catch her open jaw that I remembered what the glasses had done such a good job at hiding.
"Oh right... yeah dads still the same." I mumbled, brushing my hair back as her eyes stayed fixed on the details of the mark he'd left. "I'm never going back there. Not ever again. That was the only time."
"That looks bad, worse than when we were kids." She clicked her tongue, sympathy pouring as I shrugged again. "I'm so sorry."
"No don't be... it was actually not an awful trip until that happened. I mean, I think mums got hardly any time left, but it was nice to spend those weeks with her."
"How bad is he ?" She asked nervously, nails biting around her fingers. She'd known my dad for years now, heard and seen of his never ageing acts, and if anyone knew who he really was, Connie did.
"Bad. All he does is drink and do coke... like genuinely I have no idea how he's alive. Mum drinks, she pretended she didn't and waited until I wasn't there to open the bottle but you wouldn't think they were the big talk of Hollywood." She nodded slowly, listening with an intrigued pair of ears as I dragged myself into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of vodka.
"Fucking hell..." she sighed, releasing a short lived breathe as I knocked back the glasses freshly poured contents. "I'm proud of you though... I know it took a lot to go back there."
"Yeah." I chuckled a little. "It fucking did... I bought back some old pictures of the two of us when we were little."
"Let's see !" She almost screamed, hardly taking a breathe after gasping too loudly for my ears to properly handle. I laughed, padding over to the suitcase still sat by the door to unzip the pocket containing the Polaroids I'd bought back with me.
I handed her the stack containing our younger selves, keeping the pictures of me and my mum separate and still neatly hidden in the front zip as she flicked through each one with a different expression to match.
"Our hair ! God we really were gonna do anything to get with a beatle weren't we ?" She giggled, pointing at a picture of the two of us in white leather skirts with go-go boots to match, both our lips painted red and smiling brightly.
"My bedroom's still the exact same. Still covered in dozens of posters."
"Jeeezzzz..." Connie huffed, a chuckle following as we crashed down onto the sofa. She threw her arm around me dramatically, looking into my eyes with still a twang of sympathy, but an undeniable smile that hadn't managed to break. "I'm glad your back though."
"Me too. Me fucking too."
An- I know this was a shorter chapter... but I just wanted to say again if anyone needs to talk I am here ✋🏻 most of the topics dealt with in this book are personal to me and I wouldn't want anyone to feel as if they couldn't talk <33
thank you for reading :)