✎ Author's note
⟢➣ here with my usual head-ups!
In this chapter, the characters will experience panic/anxiety attacks. Albeit I don't believe I made them as graphic as I could have done, be mindful of the fact that heavy feelings will be involved and broken apart. I have experienced such attacks myself a few times, but I do believe people react to them in different ways, so if you feel like my description may be off please excuse me <3
Have a safe read!
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The bell finally rang and Felix sighed wearily. At least it was Friday and, once everyone would have left the room, he would have had his daily dose of Chan. It was towards the beginning of November, winter break was approaching, but first the CSATs, which meant that no student that attended last year had a free minute in their schedule, especially people like Felix and Hyunjin. Jisung and Seungmin were busy as well, one producing and getting guitar lessons from Chan and the other studying hard and giving lessons out himself. The infamous saying "If you sleep three hours each night, you may get into a top 'SKY university'. If you sleep four hours each night, you may get into another university. If you sleep five or more hours each night, especially in your last year of high school, forget about getting into any university." weighed on every single student's shoulder, more on some less on others, but nevertheless there. Felix, with his at times still sloppy Korean, was starting to get nervous and skittish as well from the whole deal, albeit having declared for the whole year that he couldn't care less. Well, now that he had just two weeks left, he was of a completely different opinion. CSATs were hard, everyone knew it, and he surely couldn't have just gone back to Australia if he failed them. It wasn't like he sincerely hoped to get into one of Seoul's top universities, but the pressure was still high. On top of that, Seungmin and Hyunjin, after that episode in the canteen back in September, always threw him glances during the English class, which everyone was still attending even though they could have used that time to study, which managed to throw him off more than once. He wasn't scared or anything, there was no way the two of them could find out, they were probably just suspicious, but external curiosity was a bad thing when it came down to secret relationships.
Felix shook his head and sighed again for good measure in order to clear his mind up. It was Friday, yes he was going to have to study for the whole weekend, but for now it was Friday and Chan was right there in front of him, ready to cuddle him and soothe out his stress. As always, he greeted Hyunjin and Seungmin, who were heading to a study room, missing to notice a certain detail that was going to give him a hard time, however the only thing he had in mind at that moment was Chan.
So, after gathering up his things, he got up from his seat, sliding his phone in the back pocket of his uniform's pants. Chan was already waiting for him, hips pressed on his desk and arms crossed. However, he wasn't looking straight at the boy, but more like in the distance, at the back of the room. He let Felix get closer to him, but, when the boy tried to kiss him, he moved away. The blond frowned, puzzled. Had he done something wrong? Flirted without noticing again?
«What's wrong Ch-» he started, but the man cut him off.
«Mr. Hwang, Mr. Kim, explain to me why you feel the need to hide into that closet»
It hit Felix like a train. He felt blood leave his face at those words and his hands started to shake almost immediately. He looked up at Chan, hoping that it was just a prank, but the man was tense, his jaw clenched, his gaze piercing yet with a hint of fear. The blond has his back facing those anonymous and horrendous dark green closets, but he heard very well the disturbing screech that the old doors made when they opened. Two pair of feet stepped on the floor, but didn't move closer.
«Just a prank» Hyunjin's voice almost stopped Felix's heart «A- a jumpscare... it's... fun»
«At school» Chan stated, voice low and dangerous.
«I'm sorry Mr. Bang» Seungmin's scared voice stepped in «We are sorry... we thought it'd have been fun, but we forgot that school isn't a place for that»
«Don't play the fool with me, Mr. Kim, you don't forget such thing, but don't worry, I'll make sure you won't forget the punishment I'm going to give you. And it's not just the prank, but moreover the words that I exchange with Mr. Lee after every class regard personal information of each student and, because of that, are strictly confidential. So, not only you decided to be childish like that, acting like elementary school brats instead of the twenty-year-old men you are, but you were also going to eavesdrop on conversations that it's obviously not for you to hear. Plus, you should be focused on passing your CSATs with full marks, not on how to prank one of your friends on the school grounds. I shouldn't even need to say this, but I'm more than disappointed in you two, you are both very ashaming and delusional»
By the end of Chan's lecture, Felix was shaking really, really badly, his breath was heavy and his heart was pounding way too hard. He couldn't keep his eyes still either, going from one corner of the room to another, passing through Chan's stern face, which hid fear.
«We're extremely sorry!» his two friends exclaimed, probably bowing.
«I really don't care whether you're ashamed of your actions or not, nor do I accept your excuses, you're going to pay the price of what you did, that's all I have to say. Instead, be glad that I won't report you right before one of the most important tests of your life, useless to say it would surely compromise it. Again, I'm very disappointed, I would have never expected something like this from you, especially you, Mr. Kim»
Finally, right when the boy was on the brink of tears, Chan looked at Felix, putting on a little smile that wouldn't have reassured anybody, but that gave the blond a little bit of strength, enough to stop shaking. Chan was still there, Chan would have helped him, Chan was going to solve the situation, it was fine, all good really.
«You go Felix, we'll talk later on» he said, his smile already fading.
The blond just nodded, unable to do more, and turned, finally facing his friends. They were mortified to say less, but Felix was sure to have a raging terror in his eyes, so he didn't spare them more than a glance, trying to mask his emotions at best. He stepped to his desk, legs shaking slightly and hands definitely trembling again, and picked up his things quickly albeit his quivering fingers, not daring to look at the other two in the eyes.
«Go» Chan said again once Felix was done, and the three of them exited the room without sharing a word.
Silence accompanied them for a few hallways, then, after Seungmin and Hyunjin shared not just a few glances, they shoved themselves in front of Felix, making him stop in his tracks.
«We're sorry Lix» Hyunjin started «You don't even know»
«I know you have all the rights to be mad at us, but please let us make up for it» Seungmin went on.
Their expressions were of genuine shame, but Felix waved them off as he didn't have the strength to face them at that moment.
«It's fine, I'm just tired, not mad... just... stop talking about it and never try again, Mr. Bang was really mad and it's just... I don't know what's gotten on your mind all of a sudden, why spying me?» he sighed wearily «Whatever, again I'm not mad, just think about it deeply. I'm going home, I don't feel like studying now»
He pushed through them, leaving them in the middle of the hallway. He felt their gazes on his back, but he didn't turn and just walked out of the school, hurrying to get to the nearer subway station. He needed to get home as soon as possible, because he felt like he was going to break apart in seconds now. It was so different from the time he and Chan had argued and he had ended their thing, yet so similar. Now however he was very conscious of his emotions, holding them back forcefully as he didn't want to break down in the middle of the street, where nobody cared and everybody judged. His train arrived quickly and he jumped in, grabbing a pole and smashing his forehead on it in order to feel a little relieved by the coldness of it, not caring about all the germs. The cold of the metal did nothing to lessen the headache he was starting to have, but at least it made him focus on something for the whole ride. He almost missed his stop, almost, but managed to get out of the subway like a robot. Just some more feet and he would have been at home.
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Chan gripped his hands on the desk in order to fucking make them stop shaking, but there simply was no way. His breath was heavy and he was vaguely aware of the fact that he was having some sort of anxiety attack, a thing that he hadn't experienced in years, the last time being that infamous night that preceded his life-changing choice, the one on the never-happened debut.
Felix had just walked out of the classroom with his nosy friends and Chan hoped he was ok, although he hadn't seemed like that at all. If even him, Chan, was shaken like that, he that he had always been confident about not getting caught, he didn't want to know how bad his boy was feeling now. Or, better, he did want to know, because he was madly concerned, but, as he eyed the phone, something held him back. Probably Felix was still with the other two and maybe he didn't want to hear his voice at the moment, even though, on the other hand, Chan would have needed to hear Felix's deep voice.
He shook his head, took a deep breath and released his grip on the desk, standing up straight. Enough of his mind wandering near bad things, had to get home first, he couldn't break down at school like that. He had to calm down, get home, settle down and then call Felix to know how he was doing. It sounded like a good plan; it was. Chan gathered up his things and walked out of the school, car keys in his now steady hands. He took one last breath to fully clear his mind before starting his car's engine: he surely didn't need to get into an accident now.
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Once the door of his bedroom closed behind him, Felix's knees got weak and his body crashed on the floor. Sobs started to grow in the back on his throat and his hands began to shake again. By the time he was able to get his phone out, he was already crying silently in order to not alarm anyone. He texted Suha, telling her that he couldn't make it that day since he wasn't feeling well. It wasn't a lie, his heart was pounding at a dangerous speed, he was feeling sweaty, his breath was heavy and it didn't come in nor out well. He was having a little panic attack, he knew that flawlessly and with an incredible lucidity. He had seen Jisung having one more than a few times, so he knew how to take care of it, yet he couldn't bring himself to do something else other than being there, shaking. Jisung had once described them to him, but he had never thought it could have been like that. He tried to get his pulse as always, but its fast pace only increased his panic. Was he going to have a heart attack? He still couldn't breathe well, his vision was clouded, probably by all the tears that were streaming out of his eyes and down his cheeks, over his so hated freckles that he had learned how to accept and like over the course of his relationship with Chan. Chan. How was he feeling right now? Shitty? Anxious? Had he gotten home or was he still at school? Thinking about Chan only worsened his headache and his sobs. Why had his friends to be so goddamn nosy? It was all going well, couldn't have been going better as a matter of fact, then boom, Hyunjin and Seungmin had to act like fools just because they were curious about his whole deal with Chan. And it was totally his fault. Jisung had told him. Jisung had warned him, more than once. He had been an amazing friend, always stopping him when he was about to unconsciously reveal something, but Seungmin had always been too smart for his own good and Hyunjin too curious, that's how they got along so well. Jisung could only have done so much to help Felix, in the end he had ruined it all with his own hands. He should've been more subtle, less glances, less confident talking, less hickeys and marks the day after he had a detention with Chan, less everything. Why had he dared to dream no one would have found out when he was so fucking obvious? Jisung knew the whole deal, but he had said that Felix looked at Chan like he had hung the moon for him, and if even someone like Jisung had noticed, why couldn't also have Seungmin and Hyunjin? And Soojin, Soojin with her confusing remarks, how much did she know?
Felix tried to muffle his crying with his hands, the same hands that were shaking so much along with his whole body. He rolled even more onto himself, pressing against the wooden door with all his weight, wanting to simply disappear or pass out, go to a place where everything meant nothing, where his head would stop pounding so much at every thought he processed. He was scared, oh so goddamn fucking scared, what was going to be of him from now on? How was he going to be able to face his friends? They knew, they surely knew, even if he hadn't done anything. He was screwed, he and Chan were screwed, there was no way they were going to be able to be together after that. He felt like his heart was ripping in a million pieces after that thought, but it was the truth. He didn't know how loud his cry was by then, he didn't want to know anything more, he wanted peace, just peace, he wanted it all to stop, starting from his screaming mind. He turned off his thoughts, letting it all flow out in form of tears and broken sobs.
After seconds, minutes, hours, he didn't know, he noticed that he still had his phone in his hand and, when he unlocked it, it was on Chan's contact. His mind was hazy, his eyes blinded with tears, but he had had that contact name under his eyes for so many hours each week that he knew it by heart, with that stupid pink heart that Felix knew meant "growing affection". Chan's number was there, under his eyes, ready.
He hesitated.
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Chan's apartment door closed behind him and he threw the car keys on the furniture beside the clothes hanger. He slowly took off his shoes and coat and then stepped towards his couch, leaving his bag on an armchair. As he crashed down on the couch, he vaguely thought of getting some alcohol to help him, but he brushed it off quickly. The situation was bad enough without him getting drunk.
Actually, the situation wasn't bad, they hadn't got caught, really, but then why was he starting to shake again? He dropped his head on his open hands, elbows pinned on his knees, yet his leg didn't stop going up and down frantically, making his whole body tremble like a leaf on a windy day or, perhaps, in a storm. He didn't know why, but he couldn't bring his being to stop quivering, fingers nervously playing with his hair, pulling and pushing frantically like the external physical hurt could make the other one, the internal one, go away. In contrast with his body, his mind was relatively calm, trying to stay focused on what he had to do. Right, he had calmed down, got home and settled down, now he had to call Felix. However, as he took out his phone from the bag and stared at its black screen a strange feeling took control over him and he placed the device on the coffee table, looking at it from afar like it was some sort of dangerous, wild beast. Maybe the blond was still with his friends, so it would have been inconvenient to call, but maybe a text would have been fine. Chan shook his head. No, no, it could have been that Felix didn't want to hear from him now, rather it was really likely. In the end, if they had caught them, he would have lost his friends, his reputation and, moreover, Jisung would have been on the line as well, so he surely didn't want to hear from Chan. It was better to wait until Monday and talk about it in person. But maybe that was riskier, maybe it would have been more suspicious to external eyes, especially to Felix's friends, who now were surely focused on their moves. Ah, Felix's friends, now he had to think about a reasonable punishment for them. Maybe he had rushed too much, not thinking about being too harsh with his lecture.
Maybe... maybe maybe maybe.
He sighed, torturing his brown locks. There he was, spiraling really badly, it wasn't like him at all, at least not like the grown-up him. But then again, he couldn't stop, bad thoughts were just grasping his mind like tentacles of an obscure beast and he wasn't strong enough to brush them off as always. He felt like he had gone back to his trainee days, when his anxiety and depression didn't let him live, eating him up alive like starving demons. He still had side effects from that period, his insomnia being one of them, and now he felt like it was all coming back in one shot, but his body and mind couldn't take it. All the bullshit he had been pulled through when he was just sixteen, fourteen even, all the diets, the comments on his bad looks, his vocals being not enough, his producing being weird, noisy and poor, his dancing being too sloppy to be put into a group and so the pressure of being trained as a soloist, alone, tore away from his friends, the few ones that had yet to debut, because everyone had made it except for him, and that big sickening thing with Hyunki, all coming back at once yet in a different shape because now it wasn't just about him, it was about the person he liked, a person whose reputation he had almost crashed with his hands.
With a sudden outburst of strength, he sat back on the couch, shaky hands cupping his cheeks and both of his legs trembling dangerously. He couldn't think about his time at JYP, not now. Felix. He had to focus on Felix. But it was so difficult, his heart was aching so much. Fuck, he had felt like shit when they had argued back in July and the boy had left him, but it wasn't nearly as bad as that moment. Why?
«Fuck» he swore under his breath, removing his hands from his face and smashing them on his knees in order to make his legs stop shaking.
He eyed the phone, but the odd feeling came back again. Fear. That's what he was feeling, a raging fear that stuck to his brain like a leech and made him think that maybe Felix didn't want to hear from him. He didn't want to lose him, that was his fear, not again, not now that he was so into him, that he liked him so much. Maybe he was just being stupid, but he couldn't really imagine his boy leaving him, not being by his side anymore. And it wasn't about sex, heck Chan didn't fucking care about sex anymore, nor about his fucked up feelings towards Felix for that matter, feelings that he couldn't discern, it was about the boy leaving his side, and he wouldn't have been able to overcome it without spiraling back into something like his trainee days.
«Fuck fuck fuck» he swore again «Come on Chris, fucking do something about it»
Again, he eyed the phone, which was still resting on the coffee table. He had to call Felix, he really had to. Now. He picked up the device and unlocked it, tapping on the screen to get on Felix's contact.
He had to check up on him, enough of his stupid thinking.
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For split a second, Felix thought of turning off his phone, of going back to his life before Chan. It would have been the right occasion, Chan was surely shaken as he was and now they both knew how risky the whole situation was. Even if they would have managed to get to Felix's graduation without getting caught, what would have they done then? It wasn't like they could just go public like that, Chan was going to be his high school's English teacher for the rest of his life and getting together with him would have been scandalous to say less, especially right after he would have graduated.
But... but but but.
But it was about Chan, it was Chan he was thinking about, it had been about Chan for the past eight months for fuck's sake, he, they, had struggled and fought for all those months, he couldn't just give it up now. And God, he liked him so much, he wouldn't have been able to let Chan go. Fuck the future, he needed Chan, now.
Felix's finger landed on the "start a call" button and Chan picked up straight away, like he had been in the same situation.
«Channie» he cried out «I'm scared»
«It's fine chick, it's fine, we're good, we're ok, we'll get things together» Chan tried to reassure him straight away, but fear was touchable in his voice «Please don't cry if I'm not there holding you»
«I'm having a panic attack Channie and I don't know when it began» the blond whispered, tears still streaming down his cheeks.
«Oh Lix...» the blond could feel the man tearing up as well on the other side of the line «Baby try to calm down, listen to me, alright?»
«Alright» Felix replied wearily.
While listening to Chan blabber about some stupid things, tears slowly stopped rolling down his cheeks until they became only soft sobs, his breath and heartbeat started to go back to normal. As he began to come back to reality, he realized that he was still curled up, back pressed onto the door and arms hugging his knees, a really miserable position. With time, he eventually stopped shaking as well and acknowledged the fact that he felt sore, like he had just gone for a long run, and, because of that, he was tired, extremely tired. He was also really cold. He just wanted to do one thing at that moment, to be in just one place that surely wasn't his room.
«I'm better now Channie, it's just... can I come over?» he interrupted him wearily.
Chan paused for a moment, probably pondering the whole thing «Sure chick, sure, but you're sure you can make it? What if I come and pick you up?» he offered.
«No I'll... I'll come on my own, I'm good now... see you in a bit Channie» and he closed the call, not wanting to hear anything more.
He took a big breath, wiped off his face and got up, for then walking out of his bedroom. Chan, he had to get to Chan, then everything was going to be ok.
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The door wasn't even fully open, but Felix flew right into Chan's arms, the only thing he wanted to do, the only place where he wanted to be. That action caused them both to crash on the floor, but none of them complained, frantically searching for the other's touch. Felix heard Chan kicking the door closed, but he was already into tears, holding into the man like his life depended on it, and it did, snuggling as close as possible. Chan let him cry into his hoodie, burying his face into Felix's blond hair, holding him as tight as possible.
«It's fine baby, I'm here, let it all out, we're gonna be ok, yeah?» he blabbered, sniffling as well «Yeah?» he called out.
Felix nodded, unable to find his voice, and let out an even louder cry, trying to bury himself even more into Chan, not wanting to lose contact with him even for a moment. Chan didn't want either, rubbing Felix's back mindlessly while holding him close by the waist, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, ready to escape. For once, he let himself fall down, be weak, and cried it all out as well, tears streaming down his cheeks like a waterfall, moistening Felix's hair much like Felix's own tears were moistening his hoodie, his hold tightening around his boy, holding onto for dear life. They must've been such a poor view, hugging on the cold floor in a lake of their own tears, holding tightly onto each other like they had just reunited after years. It had been years in their minds, when they had been lost into their dark thoughts, but now they were together again and, slowly, that reality kicked in. They were in each other's arms, safe, warm. No one was in sight, judging, there were just the two of them in the apartment, only their sobs could be heard, until, slowly but surely, they became only sporadic hiccups. Eventually, tears stopped rolling down, but they still didn't let go of one another, resting there, fully content in just knowing that the other was there, holding them tightly.
Chan's voice was still broken when he spoke, after what seemed hours, probably were hours, most likely so:
«No one is gonna leave no one behind, yeah? We'll figure this out»
Then again, Felix just nodded, but he finally lifted his head from where he had buried it all this time, in Chan's chest so he was able to hear his heartbeat, causing Chan also to move and stare at his boy's face, puffy eyes and everything.
«Just... don't ask me to leave you, I won't» Chan whispered, grip tightening.
Felix looked up at him, eyes glossy but honest «I would never... I won't, ever»
«All good... we're gonna be fine»
«We are»
Silence fell over them like a thick blanket for some more minutes, in which their hands roamed on one another, just to be absolutely sure that they were still there, that they were real.
«Shall we get up? Move on the couch, just that, yeah?» Chan said in the end, slightly nudging at the blond, trying to sound playful.
«Alrighty» Felix played along «Carry me?»
«My pleasure»
And so they got up, slowly, carefully, Chan tenderly maneuvering Felix in his arms to carry him comfortably. As soon as those steps were made and they were both on the couch, the blond took one of the man's hands in his own, intertwining their fingers, and snuggled closer again, nuzzling his nose into Chan's arm.
«Sorry for the snot» he mumbled.
«'s fine» the other replied, grabbing a blanket and fluidly covering them both.
He huddled closer to Felix's smaller figure, keeping his free hand out of the blanket in order to caress the boy's cheeks, which were crusty with tears, but nevertheless pretty. The blond lifted his head at the contact, eyes getting lost in Chan's own. They were still glossy and red, but Chan found the view endearing, just because so he knew that the other was there.
«You're so beautiful chick»
Felix giggled softly «Don't lie, my eyes are all puffy and swollen»
«Why would I lie to you, you really are»
«Like you are»
«I look like a wreck after crying, don't be silly»
«I'm not, you're always so handsome is almost infuriating»
«I'm pretty sure lying is a sin»
«I could say the same thing»
After one shared glance, they both started chuckling softly, snuggling closer and closer under the blanket. Then, Felix sighed.
«I'm sorry Chan, they were curious because of me. If I had been more subtle, they wouldn't have caught up, but I just kept looking at you and saying stuff that I couldn't really control»
Chan let him jabber, then took a big breath «It's not your fault chick, I mean, not entirely. Each one of us is guilty in our own way. I think it's fine. The only thing it's important we do not feel guilty for is falling in- for each other, falling for each other. We don't have a say on that, and I'm glad about it. I don't care if you're my student, I wouldn't change you for the word»
«Society cares though. Seungmin and Hyunjin would have cared. They would have been shocked, sickened probably»
«Chick don't be that pessimistic, Jisung wasn't either of the two when he found out»
«Jisung is... a whole different thing. He... he was shocked, that I know, alright, he wasn't sickened, but he didn't know you Chan, he wasn't, he isn't, your student as well»
«In fact, the two of them don't need to know, no one needs to know»
«For fuck's sake, they saw us, Chan!»
«Calm down little one, they didn't see anything and I'm pretty sure that we got them off our backs with that scolding»
«We did not, they will be suspicious until the very end»
«Alright, but, for now, we're good, we won't let it get to us»
«We won't but... what I'm saying is that I know we're doing the right thing, following our hearts, but it's difficult, I'm scared Chan»
«I am too, but we're in this together, not alone, we can fight it, we can be ourselves»
Felix nodded, once, twice «Alright, alright we can, but still...»
Chan planted a kiss on his forehead «Let's just calm down for now, yeah? We'll talk about it tomorrow, you'd like to stay?»
«Yes» the blond replied straight away.
«Wanna eat something then?»
«Not hungry in the slightest»
«Wanna head to bed?»
«That would be great»
«Alright» Chan stretched out his arms, blanket falling on the ground «Let's go»
Again, he took Felix into his arms like a baby and walked to his bedroom, gently putting him down on his bed. The steel pole was still in the middle of his room, glistening slightly. In a tacit agreement they had decided to leave it there and Chan quite liked the view, it made the room more quirky. Without talking, the man handed the boy a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, as nights were starting to get really cold albeit the heating, proceeding to get something for himself as well. They changed in silence and got under the blankets, immediately snuggling close and falling into a hug. Chan noticed that, like every time, Felix had taken the left side of the bed and smiled softly at the domestic thing.
After some small talks, they fell again into a comfortable silence, perfectly content just to be in each other's arms. Felix was the first to fall asleep, feeling secure thanks to Chan's cuddling, however, surprisingly enough, the latter followed him suit, not before having left a kiss on his forehead.
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✎ Author's note
⟢➣ Hi hiii
*hands over a tissue* I'm sorry????
At least it ended well, I guess...
So many of you had foreseen this moment, it was honestly due since the very start on chapter five, your wondering going from "just gonna get caught by hyunjin" to "their whole life's gonna be crushed omg" but overall y'all were there for this lmao so I hope I satisfied you well enough! I never planned on tearing them apart for real, nor on them getting caught in some act, although real life is way less lucky, I must admit that. However since this is all fiction, for once I'll be unrealistic lol.
I really, really hope you enjoyed T-T more emotional stuff to come so stay tuned!
See youuuu <33
p.s.: hope you had a joyful Easter if you celebrate it!