1st July 1978
Tw- abuse, mentions of drug use. Please read with caution if you are easily triggered by either of the two <3
"I can't believe you leave tomorrow... if feels like only yesterday when you crawled in bed next to me." Mum smiled, pushing my hair back as I slowly nodded. "You'll call won't you ?"
"Of course I will. Everyday if you want me to. As long as the douche bag down stairs doesn't answer." She laughed, playfully rolling her eyes before nodding slowly.
The first was my last day of filming, and I would finally be able to fly back home and kiss my one and only acting job being before falling back into the much missed routine I'd gotten myself stuck into. I'd partly enjoyed behind home, only because I liked being there with mum, but the rest of it all was horrible.
I avoided dad as much as I could. He was constantly doing lines of whatever he could, a bottle always in his hand and his voice never quite the volume it should've been. The only person that could bare being with him for longer than five minutes was the nurse, Kimberley, but she was getting paid for being in the house.
As amazing as seeing mum was, it was also heartbreaking. She was too close to an end I was certain not to even think of until years later, but her voice was weak and her body even frailer. I had to pretend it wasn't really tearing my heart to pieces, but the smile I wore laying besides her was enough to cover the shredded shards.
"I'll miss you more than you think." She stroked my hair back gently, her hand trembling slightly as she pushed back a dark curl. "Don't bother with your dad when I'm gone... it's my bloody last wish that you never bloody see him again."
"Mum, you're not going anywhere alright ? Don't talk like that. You're gonna be fine I promise. You're way too strong."
"But I'm not gonna live forever... do me a favour and if the chance to ever be with that Roger ever happens again... promise me you'll take it. Because I've never seen you talk about someone like that. If you ever see him again make sure he doesn't leave."
"Ok... but only for you." I laughed, confused as she nodded with a seriousness that intrigued me. "I think you would've liked him. He could be polite. He got really shy sometimes too... had habit of scratching his neck whenever he did."
"And just so you know, I wanna be buried in the church yard... so you can all leave me flowers and cry on some old wooden bench. I'll be there laughing at you when your make up is dripping down your face." She chuckled slightly, pointing upwards as my face became sadder and head gently shook itself from left to right.
"Do you believe in heaven and angels and all that stuff... do you think you get a little halo and sit in the cloud when you go...?" I wasn't sure what response I wanted from the question, but regardless I still asked it. I wanted to know what she thought, and wether she was certain she would end up looking down on me or not.
"If you ask me, angels live here, on earth. They don't have wings or bloody halo's... they're just themselves. They make a difference, make you smile, make you laugh, make you cry. They're the light in the dark. But they change peoples lives, sometimes save their lives too. I think if you want to be an angel, you have to do it when your alive. Do good things, be a good person, come home to see your mum even though your dads crazy." She smiled, softly cupping my cheek. "You're my angel Adelynn, you always will be."
"I don't think so..."
"I do. You're the only reason I'm still here. You saved my life Adelynn, and you weren't even trying. And I really think Roger's your angel. He found you in that little bar and lit up your life." I had no reaction to what she's said, only a realisation in my mind. Not one in regards to Roger either, who I instantly kicked out of my mind when I knew the words she told to be the complete truth.
"Do you know what I wanna be when I grow up mum ? I wanna be you. You're the strongest person I know. I don't understand why you stayed with dad, but you did, and I know I was raised by the most amazing person I could've been." A tear almost formed in her eye, a small bead that showed how much I meant to her right there and then.
"Hurt is a ridiculous thing... an awful thing. You know that. Everyone wants it to magically go away. That's why I stayed with him. I knew my limit before I met your father. If a man ever hit me I'd leave right away. But after how sorry he was the first time, I gave him another chance. I lowered my limit. I did the second time too. It was another mistake. And I did the third, and the fourth, until it's been years of abuse. So what's another couple of years ? It can't get worse. And then you end up like me. Never lower your limit sweetheart. Even when it comes to Roger... know how much you're worth. Don't end up like me. When I'm gone you better not dare come back here."
"You're not going anywhere just yet, I promise." I reassured her, lightly kissing her cheek as my eyes caught the clock on the wall behind her. "Shit.. I've gotta go, but I'll be back later and you can tell me everything about whatever's going on in that crazy head of yours."
"Ok... I love you angel."
"I love you too mum."
-
"Thank you so much for working with me." Natalie smiled falsely, shaking my hand as I nodded hesitantly. "It's been so lovely to meet you. You're um... interesting. You're personality is very different from what I expected."
"Yeah it's been fun... not my cup of tea though. Good luck with your career, I expect I'll see you on the tv some time soon." I replied, releasing her slightly sweaty hands as I slid my bag over my shoulder, preparing to leave the set I'd hated being on for the past few weeks.
It wasn't the worst job on the world, but I would never come close to being the best. The days were long and the people were so false you could never trust a word they said, and I wasn't exactly that enthusiastic about being there.
"Thank you so much Adelynn. I hope we could work together again in the future." The producer thanked me, taking my hand in his to shake it as his eyes fell up and down my frame for what I hoped was the last time. "I'll give the details about the release date and all the other bits to Mel."
"Thank you." I nodded, letting go of his hand quickly before turning on my heel and walking about the door id wanted to for the entirety of the past few days. A wave of relief crashed over me as I did, every step I took being one further away from the distraction that had been acting.
The job did what it was meant to. It distracted me, kept my thoughts focused on the script and way my eyes had to look at the actor stood opposite from me rather than Roger. But what my mum said didn't stay off my mind at all.
I drove home as quickly as I legally could, desperately wanting to treasure the last few hours I could with mum, hoping dad would be out drinking and snorting whatever he did. It was easier being there when he wasn't, but when he came home in the state he did it wasn't exactly fun.
I soon enough found myself shutting the car door behind me after only just opening it, padding up the drive and walking through the door to find unexpectedly my dad sat on the couch. He had a bottle in his hand, a powered white tray besides him and his mouth hung open lazily.
"Where's mum ?" I mumbled, my eyes tracing the floor as I shut the front door behind my and hung my bag on the nearest peg.
"Hospital, with Kim. Nothings happened... they're just doing some checks or something... I wasn't really listening." He slurred, the drink in his hand being tossed around dramatically in his grasp with each word. I rolled my eyes, sighing slowly with a slight worry for mum, but more a fear of being left alone in house with dad.
"I'm gonna go pack..."
"No surprise. Your mums dying and you're bloody desperate to leave." He mumbled, taking a large gulp from the bottle in his grasp as my brows rose and eyes widened in utter disbelief.
"She's miserable here with you ! All you do is snort another line, drink another drink, and give her another slap. She's gonna die... and you don't care. You're the one that bloody did that to her." I was angry, too angry, throwing my arms in any given direction as the frustration poured with every word.
That was enough to threaten him. Him and his great power he prized so dearly. He hated it when I raised my voice, or even showed any one sign of being stronger than him, which is exactly why he threw the now empty bottle against the floor, and pulled himself up from the sofa.
I looked across at the shards of smashed glass, edging backwards as his footsteps neared my frame. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was bound to stop, my eyes scattering across the dark flooring as my breathe quickened.
"I gave her everything. And I gave you everything !"
"All you gave us were bruises and cuts ! I've never had a dad that loved me. I've had a dad that loves the rush of cocain and the power hitting his wife and kid bought him. You're a cunt." I yelled again, unable to contain the overflowing build of anger, which is what inevitably caused my to knock over the glass sat on the table behind me.
I watched as it smashed, each piece that made it whole splitting into hundreds of shards against the wood flooring. My mind instantly flashed back to when I was younger, to when I'd accidentally smashed a glass in almost the exact same way, which was what led me to gaining the scar I hid every morning.
I looked at dad with a shot of fear in my eyes, watching his lips turn into a sickening grin under the yellow lighting, the smell of beer against his heavy breathe that crawled across my face. He clicked his tongue, head shaking ever so slightly from side to side, watching as I turned to the side, looking at the broken glass with terror controlling me.
And that's when he did it, what I always knew he would again, what would be the same thing to so easily ruin everyone he'd convinced he loved. He let his cold hand meet the skin it hadn't in years, the power he needed to be reassured with flooding back to him as I winced.
He didn't just hit me, he hit me hard that time. I wasn't a frail little girl anymore, who only needed a light slap in the right direction to fall to the floor. I was years older now, and supposedly years free of his haunting fists, but they'd trapped me again.
I turned on my heel and rushed up the stairs, the same way I did when I was a kid, lifting my hand to cover the mark I hadn't yet seen. The living room was left with smashed glass, a haunting laugh and yet another memory to trouble me with. I only hoped he hadn't left me with another scar to bury itself within my skin.
I slammed by bedroom door as loudly as I could, sighing with relief when I slowly slid against the door. I didn't know how to react at the time, how to actually accept he'd done the exact thing I'd been scared of for what felt like my entire life. But he had, and he did, and I think he always would if I ever went back again after that. But that was the last night I ever spent in that house, and when I finally pulled myself up to glance in the mirror I knew why.
I felt like I was ten again. Dabbing gently around my cheekbone as blood trickled from a fresh cut and purples swelled around my eye. I could recall following the exact same movements over a decade ago, the same hollow empty feeling flooding back as my eyes watched with disappointment still.
"Cunt." I mumbled, sighing as I pulled myself back up from the chair at my dressing table. I felt like I should've been more hurt, more bothered by the fact he really had just hit me again, but I was honestly used to it. And the second I heard that glass shatter I knew he would do it again, and I knew no part of it would be surprised when I was reunited with that same feeling of his cold hand.
I pulled out my suitcase, frantically unzipped it, before stuffing every item of clothing into it. I didn't bother folding a thing, instead hurriedly tossing every dress, skirt, t-shirt and pair of socks I could find scattered across the room back inside it.
I plucked every Polaroid from the frame of my mirror, sliding the stack of them into the front zip of the case before sitting on top of it awkwardly and instantly zipping it closed. I wanted nothing more than to leave, than to finally leave behind the chapter of my life I'd been hopelessly reading for years on end. I was desperate to move on, clinging on to the next few pages, depending on them to lead me out of what I knew was too dark for me.
And that really was the last night I ever spent there. The last time I slept in my childhood bedroom, the same mark on my face that had been the last time I slept in it. I always knew deep down I'd never come home again after that night, but it wasn't until a few weeks later the real reason why I never returned would reveal itself.
An- the temptation not to give this book a happy ending is killing me 😭
but on a very serious note if anyone wants to talk about anything in regards to the topics in this book orrr just literally anything in general I will happily give you my insta and talk <33
thank you all so much for reading :)))