Andrea
"Please get out," I pleaded.
He said nothing and took a step towards me, I took one step back. But his body came in contact with mine and he wrapped his arms around me.
I didn't hug him back.
I couldn't move. I simply let it happen, knowing a part of me needed this, him.
After a while, he pulled away and pressed his lips to my forehead. "Call me if you need anything," he said.
I nodded, watching him exit my room. What he didn't know was that I deleted his number. Almost right after that night, not that that'd do anything. I memorized it. Something inside me told me to forget about him so I did. Barely. But there was no use in going back, not when everything fell apart after that. Not when the forever I thought I'd have faded away and I woke up to a nightmare.
Being with him was a dream. One I didn't want to live again.
Numbly, I sat on my bed, staring at the floor where we just collided. I felt nothing. I couldn't even bring myself to cry.
It seemed like I was some kind of robot, living the same day over and over again. With no way to wake up again. I was trapped in a world where everything felt wrong.
The world I knew got completely flipped upside down and I was stuck, watching it all happen. Like a ghost living with the memories.
Something about seeing him ignited an unwelcome feeling in my chest, making my heart ache a little more. Just before the fire could start, I put it out and pushed the feelings away. Taking in deep breaths, I counted to ten and fought back the thoughts wanting to settle. I tried to rack my mind for anything that could help me breathe again. Alas, nothing.
Anything that could, would only make it worse. I couldn't afford to think about him. Because then I'd think about how I wasn't there for the one person who needed me. I'd think about Juni and how he deserved to live. If I could take his place, I would. Literally in a heartbeat if I got the chance.
I hated it here. I hated this city. This life. I hated myself endlessly. Forever.
But I wasn't there and now I was here, alone and trapped in my own body. Hating that he wasn't here like he should be. And August was a reminder that happy endings weren't real, not for everyone and definitely not for me.
I couldn't even think about him without feeling like my heart got ripped out of my chest, if I could feel anything at all. I just felt angry at the world.
Just as I thought it was finally getting quiet, I became aware of my phone vibrating on my nightstand, texts from my friends, from people I knew and people I didn't.
I zoned out a lot so I wasn't sure how long I'd been sitting there, thinking things through. Pursing my lips, I breathed out a sigh and read some of them on the notification bar then turned on "do not disturb" and turned off my phone. I didn't feel like talking to anyone and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be.
It wasn't the same anymore. Juni and I had mostly the same friends and I was just a reminder that he wasn't here anymore. I was just me.
So I ignored everyone, not wanting to accept the fact that soon, our lives would keep going on without him. Like it always did, life would go on. Whether I was ready or not.
I didn't even want to be in my room anymore, one of the only places I could actually tolerate being in without feeling like I'd been stabbed in the heart repeatedly.
Getting up, I grabbed my favourite black leather jacket and slipped on my shoes, slinging my bag over my shoulder. Without thinking on it too much, I exited my room and then, I was gone.
Honestly, home wasn't even home anymore. Not when Juni wasn't there. Living there felt like torture, constantly haunted by the ghost of him, walking on eggshells around everyone else. Cautious to not make mom cry. Or to see everyone suffer.
It's just been... hard. Not just for me, for everyone. Gabriel, Elias and mom. Juni was like the glue keeping everything together. The sunshine in our sky. Without him, it was so quiet. Surrounded by friends and family, I was still so alone.
Opening the garage, I found my bike and wheeled it out then got on. With that, I left and didn't look back. Biking down our street, I tried not to think of all the times he and I did this together. Back to when it was just Juni and I, no nightmares, no ghosts.
We'd bike all around town, sometimes meeting up with friends or going to the diner. Others, to the pool or library. God, I missed that.
Now, biking up the road we used to, I let this sense of tranquillity keep me company as the breeze kissed my face, brushing through my hair. These were the moments when I just let myself forget. Drinking in the perfect weather, I looked off into the distance, passing through the bridge that faced the sea.
But I couldn't smile, even if I wanted to. This wasn't the same anymore. I couldn't do the things I loved most without the guilt and heartache following me. Simply watching the sea, letting the sun touch my skin and the wind brush past me without him almost felt rather dull. One of the many things that used to make me smile made me think back to the times I used to be and feel absolutely nothing.
It was as though since he's been gone, I locked away my heart somewhere and threw away the key, not wanting to deal with the pain, the grief, the sorrow. The undeniable longing pulsing faintly in my chest.
Still, I kept going until I reached the dock, satisfied that no one was there at the moment. Oddly enough, I kind of liked being alone. The loneliness didn't bother me as much as it should and something about the silence around me drowned out everything else.
Until it'd get louder in my mind, once the thoughts came crashing in like a harsh wave. Like a storm brewed. But in this moment, it was quiet, only the sound of the gentle waves pushing up against one another, allowing me a second to relax. Here, I could breathe.
Being so close to the water always helped. Juni and I used to go swimming all the time. I'd always been the faster swimmer. There was something in particular about the water that took away everything else, that made me feel so much lighter, both emotionally and physically. Like I was floating, literally and the water had some kind of ability to make everything better.
Now though, I felt like I was drowning. Sitting legs crossed on the edge of the dock, my bag next to me. I stared out to the sea, searching for something, anything. Maybe that feeling it used to give me. Or maybe an answer.
There were so many words left unsaid, questions remained unasked. A thousand and one things I should've done. I was just so lost in it all, drowning further every day.
I hadn't felt like myself in a very long time. Always wondering where she went, I couldn't find her. She wasn't in the mirror when I looked, she wasn't in my room or on the back porch steps, listening to my favourite mixtapes. She wasn't at the library or taking a walk. She wasn't at the bar Elias worked at, playing pool or random card games with Juni. She wasn't at the record store either. She was nowhere, nothing.
I was just here, still alive, wishing I wasn't. But then there was this thing in me that kept me going. A little light in the dark, that gave me all the reasons to live. There were things I looked forward to. Things like getting out of this city. Because everything was here and I hated it. All the memories, all the moments lost in time. The ghosts.
He made me hate this city. He, as in August. I used to love it so much until everything I loved more got ripped away and he was a constant reminder of where it all went wrong. The reason I hated myself.
Closing my eyes for a second, I pushed him out of my head, rubbing my temple and reached for something in my bag. I took out my lighter and the pack of cigarettes, lighting it up and shoving the pack back in.
I breathed in a drag and numbness dulled the ache starting to form, making it all go away. Breathing out, the smoke floated around me and faded into the evening as the sun went down. Watching the sunset, I waited in anticipation for the stars to come out and the moon to brighten.
Hours had probably passed and I was still there, drifting away. Watching the stars shine bright and the darkness welcomed me with open arms, telling me everything was going to be just fine.
I tried not to think of all the questions I had but couldn't help it. I continued digging myself a deeper grave, wishing I could go back and fix everything. There was no use but the stars were listening, the moon heard me. I guess I wasn't that alone.
Why Juni?
And I just observed the night sky, staring at the moon like there was someone out there. My many cigarettes died down a while ago, as well as the light in me.
So I sat in the dark. The earlier nice breeze turned into a colder one, sending shivers up my spine. But I kind of liked it. It made me feel something.
Eventually, I found myself getting up, pulling my jacket closer against me and slung my bag over my shoulder. I guess I didn't feel like a robot anymore. This was the first time I'd been out here since everything happened. Sighing, I looked back up to the sky once more and silently wished for what I've been wishing for.
Everything will be just fine.
Then I pulled my bike up, wheeling it away from the dock and getting back on. I pedalled away until the stars couldn't keep me company anymore. Walking up the front porch steps, I went inside and naturally, it didn't feel like home.
Just as I was about to make my way upstairs, mom's voice stopped me, "Where were you?"
"Out," I replied.
She let out a sigh, frustrated with me but still understanding me in a way, "Well, I made your favourite. Lasagna. It's cold though."
Nodding, I tried to smile, "Thank you."
She rubbed my shoulder, "I'll be upstairs. Goodnight Rhea."
"Night," I said quietly. Looking down at the ground, I headed to the kitchen and heated up a piece of lasagna. Feeling a small sting in my chest. Juni would never be able to have this again.
Bringing it up to my room, I closed the door behind me and found solace in the loneliness. Turning on the salt lamp, sitting on my bedside table, I placed the plate on top of a small pile of books and stared at it.
I couldn't find it in me to eat. I'd lost my appetite a while ago but mom worked hard to make this and I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Besides, I had to pretend like everything was okay for things to actually be okay.
Food could fix anything. Especially this. Mom's cooking was truly the best. She was half Spanish, half Filipina while my dad was from Shanghai. Obviously, he wasn't in the picture anymore but mom made dishes from around the world, making sure we knew about his culture as well.
Giving in, I poked my fork into the lasagna, cutting a small piece then placed it in my mouth. While I ate, I got lost in thought, never wanting to face what was really happening out here.
On most occasions, I lived in my head, thinking of what could've been. Of what should've been. And naturally, of what could be. All the what ifs and things I could've done differently, the regrets and the words left unsaid.
I never thought I'd ever have to live my life without Juni until it hit me that night, he was never coming back. Every day that went by, it felt like I was reliving that moment all over again. Every day I thought about what I should've done and everything I shouldn't have. And every day, I replayed that memory of the last time I ever saw him, wishing I could take his place.
On that bathroom floor, lying lifeless, staring at me through cold and dead eyes. I couldn't do this anymore.
I realized I'd been staring at the pile of books on my bedside table, completely zoned out. Desperate for an escape, a distraction. Before, books had always given me comfort but as of late, I couldn't even get into reading. I couldn't really do anything. No books, no movies. Not even music. Nothing could take away the pain.
Hell, I couldn't even go to sleep anymore. Every time I'd close my eyes, I saw him. And I wished I'd never wake up. In my dreams, everything was okay. Until the nightmares settled and I woke up abruptly, thrown back into the real world.
The only thing that actually took away the longing, even if it was just for a brief moment, was August. Whenever I thought of him, I felt something. Something other than numbness and grief. Then I'd immediately shut it down, torturing myself because thinking of August wasn't supposed to happen.
Once upon a time, he and I had something. Something that wasn't even supposed to exist. There were secrets, unwanted feelings, betrayal and everything I told myself to never go back to. And the rest was history. But that didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.
There I was, pushing it away again. I couldn't afford to think about it. It never should've been. Alas, I couldn't forget about it. I wanted to, I'd tell myself but things like that didn't get forgotten and lost. Things like that stayed, haunting me forever.
Despite that I wished it never happened, deep down, it had been the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. And I wouldn't trade it even if I could, even if I wanted to. I could wish on a thousand shooting stars and something in me would always hold him close, settling for the ghost of him.
I wished it never happened because if it hadn't, perhaps I could've done everything else differently. Perhaps I wouldn't be here, mourning the death of my brother.
I was growing older than him, leaving him behind when we were supposed to do this together. I never thought I'd ever live like this.
Turns out, Juni had called me before it happened and I was... I wasn't there. That's why every moment after that, I promised myself I'd never let myself get distracted ever again. I had to stay focused if I wanted to survive.
At times like these, what I really wanted was to bury my face in a book and forget about everything else. But I couldn't because I'd never forget. I'd never forget the last words I had said to Juni, the ones I'd regret forever. The ones I didn't mean, not at all. Worst part was, I couldn't take them back.
It wasn't like before when we'd argue, which was most of the time and one of us would give in first, propositioning a truce. But this time was different. He was dead and I couldn't get that back. I couldn't apologize, offering to do his chores—which I'd barely do, or cover for him when necessary.
I found it funny how I would've never wanted to apologize and break the ice first until he wasn't here anymore and suddenly, I wouldn't do his chores but I'd trade places with him in a heartbeat.
Sometime later, I guess I snapped out of it because I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Because the floor already slipped away from under my feet and I was falling helplessly. Losing myself along with him.
I think I fell asleep because I blinked and sunlight hit my face, beaming through the blinds. I wondered how the world could be in such a good mood when I didn't even want to get out of bed.
I wondered how the world kept going in rotation. Things happened constantly. Bad things. At this point, I swear there were more bad things than good. And yet, the earth moved on. Life made things happen while I was still stuck back there, unable to truly accept that I was living without him.
Then the second thing I thought of was August. August, who left a bouquet of roses on my desk yesterday, who now sat there, looking just as beautiful until they'd wither away and wilt with time.
After a lot of struggle, I forced myself out of bed. Well technically there was a spider on my windowsill and I feared it would get on my bed so I needed to evacuate immediately. Grabbing a shoe from my closet, I carefully approached the window, keeping my eyes on it. Cautious, I raised my arm and quickly whacked the spider as hard as I could.
I watched it flatten and squish onto the surface, grimacing slightly. I then mustered up enough courage and cleaned it up with a tissue, crumpling it into a ball and tossing it into the garbage can.
Now somewhat awake, I got ready to face the day. Again, it felt the same as yesterday, the day before and the day before that. Still trapped in this cruel world.
When it hit me that I actually woke up, despite wishing I wouldn't last night, I was brushing my hair in the mirror, and was definitely not ready to do this.
I wasn't sure what I wanted to do today. There was nothing I could do that would keep me distracted enough. I could smoke a thousand cigarettes, acquire extremely unhealthy lungs and still feel the things I didn't want to. I could spend all my time away from home and still see him. I could literally go anywhere and the memories would start taunting me. I couldn't even breathe. Like my lungs collapsed in my chest and my heart got heavier.
I felt like I was dead, watching as I repeated the same day like a robot, almost lifelessly. Feeling nothing but helplessness.
As I walked down the stairs, the sound of the news reporters speaking from the television caught my attention. Making my way over to the living room, I listened intently, frowning.
"Morning hun', there's breakfast," Mom said from the couch. Nodding absentmindedly, I stayed in place, eyes trained on the screen.
"...Seventeen year old high school student was found dead in an alley on West street last night. Officers confirmed it was a murder earlier this morning. Names and details remain confidential and witnesses..."
My frown deepened, "What the hell?"
Elias, mom and I stared at the screen, concern and sympathy crossed over their features but my ears started ringing, a terrible feeling settled in my stomach.
"Jesus Christ," they both muttered in unison. I thought about how that kid was so young and how their last moments were absolutely messed up. Nobody deserved that. I thought about their family and how terrible it felt to lose somebody you loved.
"And you were our last night," Mom shook her head at me, "I shouldn't let you do that anymore."
"Mom," I groaned, "I wasn't even anywhere close to downtown. I was at the beach."
"Alone."
I rolled my eyes, and walked away into the kitchen. If I stayed, I'd probably say something I'd regret, something that might make her upset. I just hated being here. In this house. Where everything reminded me of him and what we lost. It was unbearable, this feeling gnawing in my chest, disrupting the numbness I wanted.
"I heard something about that last night," I overheard Elias say.
"And where were you?" Mom asked skeptically.
"Out with some friends," he replied vaguely. I sighed and placed two pancakes onto a plate, grabbing a fork.
"You kids better be careful."
Guilt pierced through my chest again as I heard the vulnerability in her voice. Like any normal parent would, she wanted to keep us safe. She wouldn't be able to handle losing a kid, not again.
"Don't worry about us, mom."
She was quiet after that and I heard his footsteps travel with him upstairs. The house was quiet again. So quiet, I could hear my mom falling apart. The sound of a beer bottle being opened hit my ears and I just wanted to make it go away.
I hated seeing everyone suffer more than I hated myself. Sitting at the table alone, I ate and tried not to look at his seat that was next to me. Despite all the chairs being empty, his felt emptier. Because there'd never be any more bumping my elbow into his, reaching for the serving spoons faster than him, placing the food I didn't like on his plate. I'd never get that back.
I listened to the faint voices from the TV, trying to focus on that and not the storm brewing in my head. But there was no use. The news reporter's voice echoed in my mind, sending an uneasy feeling to my gut.
Losing Juni hurt so much and I didn't want anyone to feel that way. I wished there was a place where everything was okay.
I once had that. A place that I'd never be able to go back to either. Because August slipped away into infinite memories, all lost in time. Since that night... Pieces of him shattered here and there, while I was completely gone.
Once I was done, I put the dishes into the dishwasher and went back upstairs to my room, somewhat safe in the walls caging me in. Here, I felt trapped but I also felt protected. Shielded from the real world, with only the ghosts keeping me company, it wasn't so bad after all.
For some reason, it made me feel better. Like Juni was still here.
I had planned to go to the record store today because whenever I felt bad about myself, I'd buy things to cope. Records and mixtapes were something I loved collecting. Even though I had a phone that could play any song I wanted, I'd never settle for that. I needed to have the music physically.
But paranoia ate away those plans, as I didn't want to make mom worried. On the other hand, being here was worse. So after contemplating my options, I was out of the house, walking down the sidewalk. Listening to Running up that Hill by Kate Bush.
With my headphones on, drowning out the background noise. In the moments like these, when the wind brushed through my hair, the cars drove past, the sunlight kissed my face, I finally felt something.
Maybe like I was free and not locked out of heaven. Or maybe I was just locked in hell. Too blinded by pretending not to care.