It's been a week since the party at Phia's. I'm now with my mom. She invited me out kaninang umaga. Bonding daw eh.
"Saan tayo pupunta?" I asked her. We're still in the car habang siya naman ay nagmamaneho.
"Ewan," she raised her shoulders together. "I really don't have a single idea. Di ko naman kasi plinano na magbonding tayo ngayon eh."
"Then why bring me with you? I'm supposed to be with Phia and Ash now."
"Sorry naman. Namimiss kasi kita eh. I've been busy lately because of the company. Ikaw naman, di ka na pumapasok sa companya. May marami kang tra-trabahuin dun."
"Kaya na yun ng assistant mo. I don't need to go there. Busy din kaya ako," I said.
"At ano naman pinagkaka abalahan mo ngayon? Make sure it's an excuse. I granted your wish to stop schooling college kasi gusto mo mag trabaho sa companya pero di ka naman pumapasok."
"Marami. It's too many to mention," I shifted my view and looked at the side of the road. "Mom, stop over muna tayo. I'm hungry.
Like what I said, she did stop the car. "Where?"
"There oh," turo ko sa mga street foods na naglinya sa gilid ng kalsada.
"You sure? Kaya mo?" Paninigurado niya.
"Yeah. Lets go. Namimiss ko ng kumain ng ganito" sambit ko.
Madami dami rin ang nakain namin. Ang sarap talaga pagstreet foods. Nashock nga kami na ang dami naming nakain. Di naman kasi kami super gutom, siguro na sarapan talaga kami sa pagkain.
Naalala ko nung bata pa ako. Madalas ako dalhin ng katulong namin sa park.
*flashback*
"Nanny, where's mommy ba?" I asked my Nanny.
"Nasa trabaho pa siguro yun. Di bale, you wanna go to the park?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Masayang masaya kong sagot.
"Sige. Tawagin ko muna si Manong Vin. Wait ka lang diyan baby ha?" Sabi niya sakin.
"Okay" I anwered.
Naghintay lang ako ng kaunti. I'm so excited to go to the park. I wanna play there.
"Lets go" aya sakin ni Nanny
Nagsasakyan kami papuntang park. Medyo malayo kasi ito. I was just sitting silently, waiting for us to arrive on our destination. A question suddenly came to my mind.
"Nanny, bakit wala akong daddy?" I, myself, was even surprised on what I asked. I don't know why I asked that.
Napansin kong nagkatinginan si Manong Vin at Nanny sa rear view mirror. Naghihintay lang ako sa sagot niya. I think alam niya naman bakit. Si Nanny na ang naging pangalawang nanay ko. Nine years na niya akong inaalagaan since sangol palang ako.
"Bakit mo naman na itanong? Di ka ba masaya na kasama kami?" Tanong naman niya habang hinahaplos yung buhok ko.
"I'm happy. But my friends at school have their own dads. I wanna have one. I don't know how it feels to have a daddy, Nanny. I wanna feel it." While saying those words, my tears were starting to gather on my eyes.
"Shh, your grandpa is there. Your mommy. Me and Manong Vin. Di ka ba masaya niyan? Marami kaming nandito para sayo." Paliwanag niya.
Wala akong nagawa kundi tumahimik. Many questions are forming in my mind. I wonder why Mommy never speak about my father. I didn't see a single picture of him, because we really never talk about it.
Naputol ang pagiisip ko ang nagsalita si Manong Vin.
"Nandito na tayo," sabi niya at hininto yung sasakyan sa harap ng park.
Inilibot ko naman ang tingin ko. First time kong makapunta dito. Mommy never brought me here. Madalas sa mall lang kami, kung wala siyang meeting. But most of the time busy siya.
I was observing the surroundings. Ang daming pamilya na nagpipicnic dito. I wished mommy would come here. I wished she's with me by now.
"Zer, where do you want our place be? Dito ba or dun sa ilalim ng puno?" Manong Vin asked. He's bringing a rolled mat and a basket.
"Under the tree" simple kong sagot.
We sat under the tree, staying by its shade. Hanggang ngayon tumitingin parin ako sa mga naglalarong bata kasama ang ate at kuya nila. Yung nanay naman at tatay nila kumukuha ng pictures.
"Laro tayo? Gusto mo, Lizer?' Pinakita naman ni Nanny yung badminton racket sakin at iniwagayway.
"Sure. Sali ka Manong Vin," aya ko naman.
"Wag na. Di ako marunong niyan."
"Sige na, please. Pretty please," pagmamaka awa ko.
"Kayo nal-" naputol pagsasalita ni Manong nang biglang lumapit si Nanny sa kanya at may binulong.
"Makipaglaro kana. Kawawa na yung bata oh. Naghahanap yan ng tatay. Kahit ngayon lang, ikaw muna maging tatay-tatayan niya" nadinig kong bulong ni Nanny. Naging mas malungkot ako sa na dinig ko ngayon. Pero meron ding parte sakin na naging masaya. Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Siguro bata pa ako para maexplain ang dahilan.
"Sige na nga. Basta turuan mo ako, Lizer ha? Okay ba yun?"
"Okay pa sa okay!" Sangayon ko. Pilit kong tinatago yung lungkot ko. Ayaw kong mapunta sa wala yung efforts nila.
Naglaro lang kami ng naglaro. Si Nanny lang magisa at kami naman ni Manong ang magpartner. Minsan tumatama yung shuttle cock sa ulo ni Manong. Minsan naman pag si Manong ang tumitira, hindi yung shuttle cock ang lilipad kundi yung racket. Natatawa ako tuwing nangyayari yun kasi tumatakbo si Nanny palayo parang takot na takot matamaan.
Aliw na aliw kami sa paglalaro. Ang lalaki ng mga ngita namin sa labi senyales na talagang nageenjoy kami.
"Ganito kasi yan, Manong, hawakan mo dito ng maiigi. Tapos itira mo sa shuttle cock" turo ko sa kanya.
Sinubukan niya yung tinuro ko. Naging epektibo naman.
"Haha! Marunong na ako! Thank you, Lizer." Sigaw ni Manong. Inalsa niya ako at inikot ikot.
"Welcome po," ngumuti ako sa kanya. "Iba naman po laruin natin, please"
"Zer, inom ka muna ng tubig dito. Ikaw rin Vin. Pahinga muna kayo," sambit ni Nanny na nasa ilalim na pala ng puno. "Gusto niyo ba ng kwek-kwek?"
"Tara na. Tawag na tayo. Mamaya nalang tayo maglaro ulit."
"Manong Vin, what's kwek-kwek?"
"Basta masarap yun" sagot niya. "Dali tikman mo."
Totoo ngang masarap yung pinakain nila sakin. Meron din silang ibang pinakain sakin, isaw ata yun. Di ako sure sa pangalan.
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang isang pamilya. Kahit wala pa si mommy dito. Kahit kami lang ni Nanny at Manong, basta't masaya kami okay na ako. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang maging konento. Yung parang wala akong hinahanap pa.
Siguro nga bata pa ako para sabihin ang mga to. Kahit na nine years old palang ako. Pero siguro nga, nasasabi ko to kasi yan ang totoo kong nararamdaman. Siguro nga, nasasabi ko to dahil sa mga karanasan ko.
*end of flashback*
"Lizer!" Naputol pagiisip ko at nabaling yung tingin ko sa tumawag sakin. "Kanina pa kita tinatawag. Naka bayad na ako."
"Ah, sorry. Tapos na? Tara na." Sabi ko nalang.
Bumalik na kami sa sasakyan at nagpatuloy na sa pagdra-drive si Mommy.
"Oh? Bakit ka malungkot? Nakabusangot ka ata." Panimula ni Mommy.
"Wala" sagot ko. "Patuloy ka nalang diyan sa pagdrive"
"Lizer" seryoso niyang sabi, "Kahit bago palang tayo naging close kasi noon busy ako sa work, sana naman sabihan mo ako sa problema mo."
"Kay" tipid kong sagot.
"Lizer naman. Sabihin mo na."
"Wala nga. Wala lang talaga ako sa mood."
Ugh! I just hate it. She knows me too well. I don't wanna share it to her. I really don't want.
"Kaya hindi kita dinadala sa mga kainan ng streetfoods eh. Naalala mo naman siguro."
"None of your business. Keep driving"
"Please? You can tell me anything you want. Ask me anything you want. Share everything to me. I'm your mom, Lizer"
"Go to the cementery" I said coldly. With that alam na niya kung saan yun. With that alam na niya bakit ako nainis. With that alam na niya kung bakit ako naging ganito.
"Lizer, nandito na tayo. Gising na" minulat ko mata ko. Nakatulog na pala kami. Malayo din naman kasi yung cementery eh. It's a three hours drive.
I went out of the car and went inside the cementery directly without any response at her. Nawala yung mood ko kanina which means na wala ako sa mood ngayon at magiging malabo kung babalik pa ang good mood ko.
Maria Flor Saso
Born: July 27, 1965
Died: March 13, 2004
Vincente Casul
Born: March 6, 1963
Died: March 13, 2004
Yes, they died. They died the same day we went to the park. I remembered it so well. We were so happy. We were enjoying the ambiance. We were having fun. I was so happy that day, well... I'm supposed to be. Even if Mom was not with me I experienced happiness that time.
When we were on our way home, we were singing loudly and happily kasi nga masaya talaga kami nun. Pero ewan ko ba anong nangyari, bigla nalang may sumalubong na truck samin. Sumigaw si Nanny, she even hug me that time, super tight hug. Then when the truck hit our car, all I heard was the screeching sound of the wheel ang Nanny's shout then I blacked out.
I also remembered that I woke up. I opened my eyes because I heard the wailing of the sirens. Someone asked me if I'm okay but I couldn't answer. I closed my eyes again.
When I was fully awake it was already two days since the accident happen. I asked my Mom, who was with me at the hospital bed, where my Nanny and Manong Vin is. But she remained silent, she just shook her head. I wouldn't have known that Manong Vin and Nanny didn't make it if not only because of our other maids. I overheard them talking and comforting each other while saying that they will miss my Nanny and our loyal driver.
I personally asked one of our maids what really happen when I was asleep. She said that Manong Vin was already dead on arrival when we, victims, arrived on the hospital.
After hearing that, I locked myself alone in my room. It took weeks for me to recover. It was so hard for me to accept that they were gone. They were there since I was born. They were the witness that I exist in this cruel world. They were with me when my Mom is busy. They were my Mom's replacement. Yet, they died.
Since then, I've been close to my Mom. But still, part of me hated her. I know I can't blame her for Nanny's death but still. Having her as a Mom is both an advantage and disadvantage.
"Here." I saw a white handkerchief. I look up to see who gave it. It's my mom.
"I have my own. Di mo kailangan ibigay yang sayo."
She sat beside me and said, "Still recovering? Nandito naman ako eh. Why do you need to be sad?"
"Oo nga. Nandiyan ka. Perfect" I said sarcastically.
"You really got attached to them, huh?"
"Shut up, mom. You know the answer."
"You can completely forget them, you know? Spend more time with me. I'm your Mom. I'll always be here for you. I love you more than anyone would."
"Completely forget them? Are you kidding me? Don't dare say those words. You just really don't have any fucking idea!" I know I'm starting to go hysterical this time.
"Yeah. Forget them. What's with them? I'm here. They're dead."she casually said.
"Hell no! They were there during my happiest and worst experiences. They were with me when I need you most. They were the one with me attending school activities. They were my parents. They acted as one. Unlike you, you're always busy! You were always at work. It's so easy for you to say that they're dead cause you don't know how I feel! You fucking don't know!" I wiped the tears that were escaping my eyes. I hated her. I hate her. And I think, I'll be hating her. She caused me too much pain.
"You keep saying that you're my Mom. But since the beginning you didn't act as one. You never did! While them, they sacrificed too much for me. They loved me and I felt it. They made me feel love even without those useless luxury you are giving me. You call that giving love when the truth us you're giving shits? You call that sacrifice when the truth is you never sacrificed? Think of it!
What did you say again? That you are my Mom? Funny! I've been wondering about that since my sense to this world exist. How can you be my Mom when I don't even know you? How can you've my Mom when you can't even dedicate a single second of your time to me? How can you be my Mom when you never act as one? But my main question is, are you really my Mom?" Those words that left my mouth were so harsh, I know. But I can't help it. She pushed me. Those words, I kept it locked in the deepest part of my thoughts. Yet now I can't even imagine that I shouted those words in front of her. I care for her. I'm concern about her. Pero di ko na kasi kaya.
I can see pain in her eyes. But she's not crying. She raised her hand and what she did next shocked me. She slapped me. Hard.
"I'm done with this bullshits!" I said and walked away from her. My sight were so blurry to see my way but thank God, I managed.
I rode a cab heading to our house. As I arrived pumunta agad ako sa kwarto and packed some of my clothes. When my things are ready I went to my car and drove to Sophia's house. I went inside the Sophia's house with my bags.
"Good afternoon po, ma'am, ako napo magdadala niyan" offer ng maid nila Phia
"Better"
Pumunta ako sa living room nila ng nakasalubong ko si Ashton with his cousin - Hendrix, I think.
"Oh, Zer. What brought you here?" gulat na tanong sakin ni Ash
"Camping"
"Hi. Lizer, right?" Paginsert naman ni Hendrix.
"Shut up."
He chuckled, "Seriously? You're still not in the mood? The last time I met you, you were also not in the mood."
"Whoa. Stop it, bro. Iinit lang yan. Justleave her. It's the best way," wika nama ni Ash.
"Right! Si Phia?" Tanong ko.
"Nasa kwarto niya." Sabay nilang sagot.
Agad akong pumunta sa kwarto niya at nakihiga sa kama.
"Oh nandito ka yata?" tanong niya sa akin.
"Balak kong mag camping dito. Okay lang ba?"
"Camping, huh? Nagaway naman kayo ni, tita?"
Nag nod lang ako as my response to her. We talked about what happened earlier at kung bakit ako nag layas when the maid interrupted.
"Ma'am pinapatawag po kayo ni Ma'am Lei. Meryenda daw po muna kayo."
"Okay, Manang" Sophia responded.
"Tara?"
"Wait. CR lang ako, mauna kana" wika ko.
"Kay"
I fixed myself for a while at nagpalit narin ng pambahay na damit. I went to the garden kung saan ko nakikita ang masayang mukha ng Guzman family.
They seem so happy right now. I wished I had that family. I wished I could join them and forget everything. I wished I could laugh with them, could jam with them. I wished I could have a Dad who'll support me. I wished a complete family but that will never happen. It's beyond imagination and expectation. Too bad for me.
*****