One week earlier
Life was a trip. It was unfair. Alicia wanted nothing more than to take life by the hands and shake it. Demand from it that she meet Rodney under different circumstances so that they could be together. Why did things have to turn out this way?
She was glad she met him. She would never forget him. Even though they didn't last long, if she could go back in time and meet him again, she'd do it. She didn't care if they got the same outcome as now.
Ana tapped her shoulder and Alicia leaned in. She was at an Electric event, poetry night. Normally, she loved stuff like this because it gave her inspiration, but she couldn't focus.
For the first night after she left Rodney's apartment, he had called her more than a hundred times, but the next day he didn't call her at all. It was unlike him and she was slightly worried that one of those guys got him, but she was too scared to reach out to him.
"Hey, when they ask for any volunteers, you should go up there and read something," Ana whispered.
Alicia smiled tiredly, but didn't plan on doing it. Her voice was sore from crying all night. She cried every day. The only moment she wasn't depressed was when she thought of Rodney and the memories they had. When she went to bed and relived the past or made up scenarios, she felt sublime. Reality didn't matter. Daydreams were the truth.
She noticed Dezzi go and sit on the other side of Ana and ignored them converse. Since Rodney and him fought, Dezzi kept his distance. He would look her way here and there, but he never dared to speak to her.
The event rolled on until all the scheduled poets read their work on stage. Finally, the MC called for any new poets from the audience to come up. Ana nudged Alicia, who sighed.
"Oh, c'mon! This would be a great public speaking experience," she whispered.
"I don't know," Alicia said, "I'm not really feeling well right now."
Ana gazed at her for a long time before speaking again.
"I know. That's why you need to go up there and express what you feel through your poetry. I promise it'll be really therapeutic."
Alicia studied the stage and felt the tears well in her eyes. Could she talk about him? It was all she thought about. Morning, noon, and night. Him, him, him.
Ana leaned in and hugged her, rubbing her back.
"If whatever you're going through hurts too much, it's okay. You don't have to go up there," Ana said.
"I'll go," Alicia whispered.
Slowly, she rose and raised her hand. The spotlight found her and people turned in her direction.
"We have a volunteer!" the MC said.
She made her way to the stage with her phone in hand. The MC rested the mic back on the stand. She couldn't really see the audience, but she didn't care.
"Hello," she said. "My name is Alicia Woodson and I'm going to read a poem for you."
There was an applause of encouragement as she unlocked her phone.
"I've never done this before so please bear with me...this is for someone...someone that I will never forget," she said.
She took a deep breath and read her poem:
"sunbeams and sangrias
full hearts, chaotic energies
can you see sunset flames?
scream into oblivion
or let your youth die with orgasmic wonder
let your soul burn with blood-pooled fury
I'll kill your sorrow memories
there'll be nothing but sorrow songs
in the everlasting of aching fingers
reach out, to you, I'll only belong"
Before she can bow, applause erupted through the room. She stood there for another minute because she received a standing ovation, but inside she wished that he was here to share this moment with her, to cheer for her, too.
When the event was over, people mingled. Alicia promised herself that she'd drink one glass of wine before heading out. With some Riesling, she stood in a corner, studying her glass.
Someone tapped her shoulder and with a bored expression, Alicia turned around.
A woman with smooth, almond-colored skin in perhaps her early 40s stood in front of her. She was dressed elegantly in a pants suit with an unlit cigarette in her finger. The way she looked at Alicia hollowed her. She looked at Alicia as though she saw something that she would only see once in a lifetime.
"Hello," the woman smiled.
"Hi," Alicia said.
"I'm Geraldine Myers," Geraldine said.
"I'm Alicia Woodson. Nice to meet you," she said, shaking her hand.
"It's nice to meet you, too. I loved the poem you read just now," she said, "I'm curious. Who exactly was it about? You could say it was a love poem."
For the first time in days, Alicia laughed. As soon as she did, her face turned glum again. It felt weird to be laughing after being sad for a few days. It felt wrong, too.
"I see that it was one. It was wonderful, Ms. Alicia. Your diction was poetic, yet desperate and frantic. Through your words, I could feel you pining after this special person," Geraldine said.
"Thank you," Alicia said, managing a smile.
"Do you write often?"
"As much as I can. I—I'm interning right now for Electric. I've been interning there for two years, but I recently graduated," Alicia said.
"Well, I'm the Fiction Editor for Soyland Magazine," Geraldine said.
"Y-yes, I've heard of it, of course," Alicia's heart raced.
"Well, a new vacancy just opened up for an associate poetry editor position and I think you'd be the right fit," Geraldine said.
"Really?"
"Yes, you have the experience and the pay for this position is excellent. You would have to move to San Francisco, but it would be all expenses paid. We've been looking for someone for several months now so we're eager to fill the position. If you do decide to take my offer, do you think you can move out to California for training soon and start immediately after?" Geraldine asked.
It was amazing. There was nothing more that she wanted than to finally have a full-time position and quit being an intern.
Then why was she hesitating? There was nothing holding her back from this opportunity. And yet, she didn't want to go. Apart of her wanted to stay here.
But what was left here for her?
"You can take some time to think it over—" Geraldine started.
"I want it," Alicia said.
Outside was freezing. Her lungs were exhausted as she breathed in the harsh, cold night air. As she walked down the desolate street she tried to cheer herself up. Maybe life wasn't so unfair. This night had proved it.
But the tears she had worked so hard to hold in rolled down her face. Her glistening cheeks twinkled under the tangerine lights.
***
Her last day at Electric was the following day. Geraldine was able to convince Ana what was going to happen so that Alicia could spend the rest of her days packing her things.
The team threw her a goodbye party. She appreciated the gesture though she wanted nothing more than to crawl into her bed and hide from the world. When she was able to excuse herself from the room for a minute, she stepped outside and sighed.
Nowadays, everyone seemed to be suffocating her. It wasn't no one's fault. She just wanted to be alone. She just wanted to remember the memories she had with Rodney. The real world displeased her.
The door opened and out came Dezzi, standing a few feet away from her. This was the first time he had approached her since their fallout. He placed his hands in his pockets and stared at her with a serious expression.
"Congratulations," he said.
She only gazed at him.
"I know it's kind of late, but...I'm sorry...for everything. And I don't know what recently happened between two of you, but I can tell something did. Whatever it may be, I just know that he really cared about you and I hope you figure it out," Dezzi said.
She looked down at the ground so that he wouldn't be able to see that her eyes had turned glossy.
"I'm thinking of leaving too, soon. I know I've been saying this for a while, but...I think I'm seriously gonna do it now that you're gone," he said.
She sniffled and looked up at him with confused eyes. He squeezed her earlobe and then placed his hand back into his pocket.
"This place won't be the same without you so why stay? I've got dreams of my own, too," he said.
She managed to nod.
"Anyway, I guess this is the last time I'll be seeing you. Have fun in San Francisco," he said.
"...thank you," she said.
He smiled a little, "Take care, Alicia."
He returned back to the group, but she stayed out there for a little while longer. Her eyes went up to the roof and she studied the ceiling.
It was really happening. She was about to leave this place after two years.
***
This was good. This was great. A full-time position with great pay. Yes, this was amazing. So amazing she could die. There was nothing she should cry about anymore. She had made the right decision. It wasn't like he called her for some time now. He only called her that first night.
Yet apart of her kept insisting that there was something wrong, but she kept shutting down that side of her quickly. If she stayed with him...if she stayed—she couldn't. No matter how much it hurt.
She had to leave in order to stop looking for him everywhere. Sometimes, she did it unconsciously. At the grocery, the deli, walking down the street—all around her, she's looking for him. Sunsets and snowy days make her think of him. She could still feel his laughing eyes watching her, feel the grasp of his firm hand.
It hurts. It really hurts. Every day is tormenting.
Days later, she was at JFK airport, standing in front of security check. Instead of getting in line, she just stood there, feeling empty.
This was the right decision. She had already promised Geraldine.
She glanced at her phone screen as her eyes became blurry with tears. No messages.
Why hadn't he texted her? Didn't he love her?
She was about to leave and he didn't know and this would be the last time she would be in New York for a while. She should tell him.
Her thumb hovered over the call button, but she couldn't press it. She was ashamed. He'd probably be mad at her for ending it with him.
But she had to. She was scared.
She had the urge to look over her shoulder. She was always looking for him, but she took a deep breath and studied the security checkpoint sign.
No.
She was here for a reason. The day she broke up with him, everything changed. For the better. And she couldn't go to California if they were still together.
It would take time, but there would come a day where she wouldn't be sad anymore. She'd be able to go on with her day without crying. It felt like her whole world was ending now, but she actually had her whole life ahead of her. She reached up and clutched the necklace he gave her.
But she would never forget him.
She would move on, but she will always remember him. She breathed and clutched her suitcase tightly. She had looked for him enough these past few days. It was time to head onwards towards the future.
Don't look back.