WARNING: This chapter includes explicit description of self injuring behaviour. If you are dealing with thoughts like that and think you will be getting triggered by that, please don't read this chapter. More on that in the notes at the end of the chapter.
Some things better remain unspoken.
Do we risk the whole group's future for a little bit of romance and fun?
This was not an accident.
Rosé's words echoed in Jennie's head over and over again. She wasn't able to think of anything else. And she felt so pathetic because of that. After all, several days have passed since her failed attempt of confessing her feelings towards Rosé. Boy, what a crash landing that was. They haven't spoken a lot to each other since then. Despite Rosé's request to pretend nothing happened, Jennie could barely stand her presence these days. Rosé did a decent job acting normal. At least on the outside. The truth is, Jennie had no idea how it looked like inside of Rosé. She thought she knew her, but the reality check Rosé gave her basically shattered the image Jennie had of Rosé. Not in her wildest dreams would she thought that Rosé was capable of such masquerade. In a way Jennie felt betrayed by her friend. How long did she knew of Jennie's feelings? Jennie still had so many unanswered questions, so many unspoken things on her mind... But there was no chance. Jennie had this one opportunity and failed miserably. Rosé didn't want to hear any of that and Jennie couldn't stop asking herself if she could've said anything to convince her otherwise. If a different choice of words would have let to different results. Probably not. Rosé was so set in her standpoint, that there's nothing Jennie could've said or done to convince her otherwise.
Jennie felt so powerless because of this. But she couldn't push these thoughts out of her mind. Trying to distract her mind from her miserable state, she developed some unhealthy habits like scratching and clawing on her skin, preferably in places where people wouldn't see any marks like her head, which often came with hair pulling, or intimate body parts like her breasts. She was hoping that the physical pain would overwrite the emotional pain she felt, after all it worked for a brief moment when she smashed her mirror. She wanted this back. For at least one moment, she was able to think of anything else then Rosé and the torture Jennie was put through. This was of course before Rosé smashed all of Jennie's efforts and left her a crying mess in the garden. That night, Jennie skipped dinner. And the next breakfast. And the next lunch. And the next dinner. The others were getting worried, but Jennie simply told them that she would like to be alone. And has her friends, they respected that. Maybe they shouldn't have. Sometimes, one's call for privacy is the loudest cry for help.
Jennie was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. What day was it? Friday? Or already Saturday? She kind of lost track of time. The only indicator of time she had was when either Lisa or Jisoo came into the room to tell Jennie about their day, how practice went, asked her if she needed anything. Of course, Lisa still slept in their shared room. But Jennie barely recognized her as a side note. She reacted, when spoken to, but never acted actively. She didn't even placed the pink carpet back in front of her bed, despite being cleaned of all the blood. "If you change your mind, I will store it in a closet for you okay?" Lisa asked her when Jennie ignored the carpet for multiple days. Jennie didn't respond. She didn't want anything to remind her of that incident where she smashed her mirror, the scars were already reminder enough. The stitches have been removed a few days ago, often Jennie would absent-minded trace her fingers down the scars on her forearm. During day, she would mostly stay in bed and stare blankly at the black wall. At night, when she couldn't sleep, she sometimes thought she could hear a soft cry from the other side.
At some point during the afternoon, Jennie finally built up the energy to drag herself out of her bed to take a much needed shower. She grabbed a fresh pair of clothes and stepped out of her room. For a moment she paused, listened. But nothing could be heard. Apparently she was alone at home. She then went into the bathroom, got rid of her clothes and stepped under she shower. She could feel her muscles relax under the hot water while she rested her head against the wall, closing her eyes and letting her thoughts wander. It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but she simply couldn't help it. She wanted her thoughts to stop running wild, she really wanted but she was too weak. In an attempt to distract herself, she subconsciously started digging her nails into her own flesh again. It didn't take her long before she starts crying again. Arms wrapped around her own body she let herself sink to the ground, leaning against the wall while rapidly scratching her arms. Of course, at this rate it was only a matter of time before she worked her way through several layers of skin and blood began to flow. When she saw that she started to bleed, Jennie was shocked for a moment. But when she observed the small trail of blood running down her arm, it gave her a weird feeling of calmness. The blood ran down even further until it got washed away by the water and with it, the small bit of peace she felt disappeared as well. Jennie had no idea what just happened, why the sight of her own blood running down her arm calmed her down. But if it meant what she thought it meant...
Jennie quickly looked around the shower. It didn't took her long before she thought what she was looking for. In a corner of the shower was a razor with a pack of spare blades. Without thinking straight, she quickly opened it and took a blade out of the package. Carefully, she inspected the blade and gently ran her finger around the sharp edge. A drip of blood immediately appeared at her fingertip. Her gaze slowly wandered down to her forearm, inspected the scars the glass left on her skin and bit her lower lip.
It can't hurt trying, right?
She placed the blade on her skin and took a deep breath before she moved it sideways, quickly, just once. It didn't hurt as much as she thought, since the blade was really sharp but still the pain was enough to relieve her. She inspected the cut. It wasn't deep, but deep enough that a bit of blood appeared on her skin. Jennie became braver, placed another cut. A sigh of relieve. Another one. With every cut she placed on her skin, it became easier. Another one. Deeper. More blood. Jennie stepped outside of the water so she had time to watch the blood run down her forearm and hand. She was hypnotized by the deep red that trailed down her arm and dripped onto the ground of the shower before it got washed away. And finally, for the first time in days, Jennie didn't had to think about Rosé. In fact, she didn't think at all. Not about Rosé, not about the way she practically butchered her forearm. She placed cut after cut after cut on her arm. When after a while she was satisfied, she let the blade fall and took a moment to appreciate her work, taking in the sight of the multiple cuts she placed all over her forearm between the scars she already had. A smile crept onto her lips.
Then the tears came back.
Without the pain to distract her, the thoughts came back and brought the tears with them. She broke down crying again.
What am I doing here?
When Jennie was sure that there were no more tears to cry, she finally pulled herself together and actually started washing herself. After her shower, she grabbed the first aid kit and wrapped a bandage around her forearm again. While she was busy putting her clothes on, her eyes landed on the mirror. She stopped moment to inspect herself. She looked awful. Her lively eyes became mat, underlined by dark rings and heavy bags caused by the lack of sleep. Her skin was pale, more so than usual.
And she hated what she saw.
She hated what she has become.
Before she knew, her hand clenched to a fist and was about to smash another mirror. But she couldn't do it, she was too weak. Instead, she slowly brought her hand to the mirror and gently traced her fingers down her face in the mirror. But then she got pulled out of her thoughts when she heard a knock on the door.
"Jennie, are you in there?" The voice belonged to Lisa.
"Y.. Yeah, I am. I'll be out in a few.."
"Take your time Jennie, I just wanted to ask if you are hungry? We brought something to eat from your favourite street food vendor."
When Jennie didn't respond for a while, she could hear Lisa sigh and the sound of her footsteps leaving.
"WAIT!" Jennie called after her through the closed door. "I'll be there soon."
It got quiet on the other side of the door. Then, after a few seconds. "Great, I go ahead and save some food for you." Jennie then quickly cleaned up after herself and went down into the kitchen where she found the others sitting at the kitchen counter with chinese takeout food in front of them. When the others noticed her, she was greeted with warm smiles. "Hey, look who found us again. Come here, sit next to me." Jisoo said and patted on the stool next to her. With a shy expression, Jennie sat next to Jisoo and looked at the food that was presented to her. It looked and smelled amazing, yet Jennie felt no appetite. But she knew that she had to eat something, so at least she wanted to try.
"Thank you." With these words and a faked smile, Jennie picked up the chopsticks and started to eat. After the first few bites, she already felt like she couldn't eat anymore, despite the taste being great as always. But there was something else. She felt watched. Under hooded eyes she peeked at her friends. "Is there something on my face?" she asked cautiously. Jisoo shook her head and pointed towards Jennie's forearm.
"No but.. what is that? I thought you don't need bandages anymore?" she asked with a suspecting tone in her voice. The tone in her voice made Jennie nervous. She tried to play it off.
"I don't really like the way the scars look on my arm, so I covered them up. That's all."
What followed was a brief moment of silence. Jisoo and Lisa looked at each other, contemplating Jennie's words while Rosé's attention was mostly guided towards her food. Either she doesn't give a fuck about me or she does a damn good job at hiding it. Jennie thought to herself. She almost couldn't stand the sight of Rosé and suddenly she remembered why she avoided company for such a long time in the first place.
"You understand that we are a bit sceptical, right?" Jisoo finally replied. Her eyes were inspecting Jennie's face closely, looking for any signs of uncertainty. But all she earned from Jennie was a shrug. "I really don't know what else to tell you. What do you want to hear?" Jennie felt helpless and without having further protective measures she tried to block Jisoo out completely.
Jisoo let out a sigh. "Jennie, we don't want to harm you." While she spoke, she gently placed a hand on Jennie's forearm. When Jennie felt Jisoo's touch on her fresh cuts, a sharp pain rolled through her body, making Jennie flinch. Barely noticeable, but Jisoo and Lisa still noticed, each of them raising an eyebrow. Jennie could feel how the blood rushed through her ears and sweat appeared on her skin. Her increasing nervousness didn't go unnoticed by Jisoo and Lisa.
"Would you mind taking off your bandage for us?" Lisa calmly asked. Now Jennie really felt trapped in a corner. Rapidly blinking she looked at her hands, the fridge, Lisa's necklace, anywhere to avoid direct eye contact.
"D..don't be ridiculous. Do you guys really think I'd purposefully do something to myself?"
Jisoo slowly shook her head. "If you would've asked me this a few months ago, I would've said no. But recently, your behaviour is so strange. You decided to shut us all out and we decided to let you. We thought that all you need is some time but maybe that was a mistake. Seriously, Jennie, what happened to you?"
And that was the moment where Jennie snapped. "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??"
Jisoo twitched at the sudden outburst of Jennie. But at this point, Jennie couldn't care less. Everyone was acting like she was the one who did something wrong. As if she fell in love with Rosé on purpose and that was something that needed to be severely punished. Suddenly, even Jisoo's gentle touch was too much for her. She slammed her hands onto the counter and jumped off of her stool.
"Why don't you ask our precious little ice queen over there?" She said while pointing towards Rosé who was poking around in her food as if this whole issue didn't concern her the slightest. Everyone's heads turned towards Rosé, but she simply pressed her lips tightly together, gaze lowered.
"Oh right, I forgot. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings." Jennie continued her rant. "Or want to hear about feelings. Because feelings make things complicated and who the fuck has time for that right? After all, people might think something bad if you're honest JUST! FUCKING! ONCE!! But who am I kidding, it's not like YOU would know anything about that, right Rosie?" Her voice was full with bitterness and eyes filled with angry tears.
Jisoo now stood up as well and softly placed a hand on Jennie's shoulder. "Jennie, please calm down. You have to-"
"I DONT HAVE TO DO SHIT!" Jennie exploded again and shook Jisoo off. She quickly turned around and walked towards the door. At first, everyone was too shocked to react but when Jennie put on her running shoes, Jisoo and Lisa hurriedly try to catch up with her but Jennie was already out of the door, slamming it shut behind her. Lisa and Jisoo were left behind, dumbfounded. They looked at each other before turning towards Rosé who still sat silently at the counter, head hanging low. Her face was covered by her hair, so they couldn't see her eyes, only tears that were dripping onto her plate.
Out of all the places where Jennie could've ended up, the bar she was currently in was definitely not the best one. She couldn't even remember how she ended up here in the first place. After storming out of their house, she aimlessly walked around until she eventually stumbled in here. Without even thinking about it, she took a seat at a bar and ordered a shot of "whatever you have". This was a few hours ago though, and many more shots followed since then. She twisted the corners of her mouth at the taste of the whiskey she just drank.
How can people actually enjoy this shit?
In the end, it didn't mattered to her as long as the alcohol kept her mind quiet. So she pushed the empty glass a few centimetres away from her. "Another one please."
The person behind the counter took a moment to inspect Jennie before she refilled the glass, but Jennie kept her eyes firm on the counter.
"Rough day, huh sweetheart?" The bartender spoke with an alluring, female voice.
Jennie didn't respond, didn't even look at the woman, but simply downed her shot without another comment. But the woman behind the counter didn't let her go that easily.
"What's your name?"
Jennie bit her lower lip while thinking about whether she should participate in the conversation or not. Finally, she breathed out heavily before she responded. "Jennie. My name is Jennie."
"Nice to meet ya. I'm Valerie."
"That doen't sound like a typical Korean name to me." Was Jennie's weak reply. She wasn't really in the mood for smalltalk and it showed.
"Well, maybe because I'm not Korean." Valerie replied with a chuckle. Finally, Jennie lifted her gaze and for the first time took a look at the women who has been serving her drinks the entire evening. Valerie was definitely not Korean. She was tall, Jennie guessed about 175-180cm. Her skin was tanned and her proportions were... let's just say she certainly did't had to pay for her own drinks. She had long hair, half and half dyed black and blonde. Her right arm was covered in tattoos. Various images of animals. Lions, wolves, fantasy creatures like demons. And roses. Of course. Always these goddamn roses. From the tattoos on her arm, it was easy to notice her voluptuous chest. Especially, since the black tanktop she wore did precisely nothing to hide it. The bigger the cleavage, the bigger the tip, Jennie assumed. But her most outstanding feature were her eyes. Bright blue, almost radiant. And somehow flirtatious. Piercing Jennie and making her feel as if Valerie would stare directly into her soul. This woman was absolutely stunning, no matter how Jennie would look at it.
"S..sorry.. I'm kinda distracted today.." Jennie mumbled while lowering her head again.
"Yeah I can tell." Valerie responded with a small laugh, her eyes resting on the bandage around Jennie's arm. "Refill?"
Jennie nodded and watched as Valerie filled her glass again. She made it seem so effortlessly, her hands knew exactly what they were doing. But maybe it only looked impressive because Jennie herself was already pretty dizzy.
"You wanna talk about it?"
Jennie shot her a confused look. Why would this stranger care for her sorry ass? Jennie was nobody special after all. Not much was left of her usual confidence. She simply shrugged her shoulders. "Unanswered love. I'll safe you the ugly details." As she drank, she could feel Valerie's stare onto her.
"What?"
"I just came to notice you don't have any pockets on ya. Are you gonna pay for these drinks?"
The realization hit Jennie like a train. She stormed out of the house so hastily that she didn't bring her phone or her wallet with her.
"Uhm.. the thing is.. I kinda forgot my wallet at home.." Jennie's response was barely a whisper, too ashamed of her mindlessness and scared of the trouble she was about to face. But to her surprise, Valerie didn't seem to be angry. In fact, she smiled.
"It's all right sweetheart, it's on me."
Jennie shot her another confused look.
"Drinks are on me and when my shift is over, you come with me and I'll make you forget all your problems."
Jennie was definitely taken aback by that offer. Unsure of what to answer, she nervously bit her lower lip.
"You don't have anything to worry about. It looks like you do that quite a lot lately. So for once, just let yourself fall, okay?" While Valerie spoke, she placed her hand on top of Jennie's hand, which was lying flat on the counter. And letting herself fall is what Jennie did.
Jennie gasped as she was pressed against the facade of the bar rather harshly. It didn't hurt, or if it did, the alcohol forbid her to feel any pain. But Valerie was surely no person to take it slowly. Before she could fill her lungs with air again, she could feel Valerie's mouth attacking her neck with lips and teeth, covering it with little kisses and bites. Since Valerie was a bit taller than Jennie, Jennie tilted her head to the side to allow her better access. Valerie's hands roamed all over Jennie's body while Jennie's hands were placed on Valerie's shoulders, holding onto her in order to stand upright. Her head was dizzy and she didn't knew anymore whether it was because of the alcohol or the sensation Valerie gave her. Either way, Jennie's mind was completely occupied by something that was not Rosé and it felt fantastic.
"You smell soo good sweetheart. What is that?"
Jennie opened her mouth to reply, but got immediately silenced by Valerie's lips on top of her own. Jennie's eyes fell shut and she let herself completely fall. The kiss was hungry and demanding. Unlike the kiss with Rosé, which was filled with emotions and a bit of awkwardness, caused by the lack of experience of the two, this kiss was fuelled by lust. Valerie knew exactly which buttons to push to bewitch Jennie. This was certainly not Valerie's first make out session. Jennie could feel Valerie's hands slowly wander under the top she hastily put on after she shower. And Jennie was willing to let Valerie do what she wanted. It didn't matter to her, as long as she was able to keep Rosé out of her mind for as long as possible. In need for air, the two eventually broke up the kiss but breathing proved to be a difficult task for Jennie when she felt Valerie's fingers slowly travelling upwards across her stomach. It gave her goosebumps which didn't go unnoticed by Valerie, who replied with a smirk.
"Maybe we should take this to my apartment?"
Jennie was unable to speak, could only nod in agreement. After Jennie's approval, she could feel Valerie's lips on her own again. She kissed her back, did her best to keep up with Valerie's experience and speed. It was already difficult as it was, but it didn't get better when she slowly felt Valerie's fingers approaching her bra. This woman was about the be the first person, apart from Jennie herself of course, to touch her breasts when-
"JENNIE WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Jennie's eyes widened in shock and her body flinched when she heard a very familiar voice yelling her name. Both her and Valerie turned towards Rosé, who stood a few meters away from them with tears streaming down her face. Jennie was at loss for words, Rosé was the last person she expected to see her. And being caught in this situation was something she expected even less.
"R..Rosé? What are you doing here?"
"What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? We were worried sick because you left the house for hours and we had no way of contacting you." The tremble in Rosé's voice being proof of how worried she was. The scene that Rosé was greeted with made her worries disappear and replaced with hurt.
Jennie let go of Valerie and turned towards Rosé. "Now you act like you fucking care about me? Where was that concern when I.. forget it. You wouldn't understand anyway."
By that point, the two of them attracted quite some attention from the bystanders around them.
"What, is that your girlfriend?" Valerie teased Rosé with a smug expression and placed an arm around Jennie's shoulder.
Jennie was about to object, but Rosé beat her to it in a way Jennie did not saw coming. "Yes, I fucking am so do me favour and keep your hands off of her you dirty little slut!" With these words, Rosé roughly grabbed Jennie's forearm and pulled Jennie behind herself, visibly pissed at the way this strange woman made contact with Jennie and dared to grin directly into Rosé's face. A sharp pain ran through Jennie's body as Rosé grabbed her just where some of the fresh cuts were. She flinched at first, but the pain was quickly overshadowed by the fact that Rosé was about to fight this woman who was taller and significantly more muscular than Rosé was. And that she would fight for Jennie. Jennie's emotion where a roller-coaster at the moment, but her brain was too drunk to make any sense of the situation. More and more people came together to witness the fight that was about to go down.
The look in Valerie's eyes changed and she did not look to happy. "You better watch your mouth before I slam your precious little doll face in the concrete beneath you." She threatened while she approached Rosé, who tried her best to not let her fear show. Luckily, the rather big crowd gained the attention of two certain people. Jisoo and Lisa fought their way through the crowd and stood next to Rosé and Jennie.
"Stop it, right now." Jisoo said with a serious expression on her face. "I mean it. I have a black belt in Judo and Taekwondo, so let's not get this out of hand." While Jisoo spoke, she channelled all her talent as an actress, and it paid off. Clearly outnumbered and not wanting to risk being ganged upon on, Valerie took a step back.
"Fine, do whatever the fuck you want. But Jennie? If things between you and doll-face don't work out, you know where to find me." Valerie gestured towards the bar with her head before turning around and pushing her way through the crowd, disappearing in the night. With the fight appearing to be over, the crowd quickly dissolved as well.
"Wow, Jisoo, that was amazing. Your pokerface was on point. We're lucky she fell for it." Lisa said with a bright smile on her face, being relieved that they got out of this unscathed. But then they remembered what they were here for and turned towards Jennie. Her arm was placed around Rosé's shoulder, for the alcohol was having an even stronger effect on her, now that the adrenaline started to wear off. Lisa quickly took place on Jennie's other side, placing her other arm around her shoulder so that Jennie got supported by two people. Jisoo stepped directly in front of Jennie and gently placed her hands on Jennie's cheeks. "Let's get you home now, okay?"
A/N: This chapter was really intense, wasn't it? For a bunch of different reasons. I think it's safe to say we can be curious about how Rosé is going to handle the situation ;) But I think both of them have a lot to work through after this night. Hopefully it's just as intensive from the readers POV as it is from my. I know that this chapter turned out pretty dark, and to be honest that's what I wanted it to be. I wanted to implement some of my personal experiences. But remember: Mental health issues are not to be taken lightly, injuring yourself is never a solution and certainly wont help you in any way. If you feel the urge to do something to yourself, talk to a friend or a family member. If you have none, there are hotlines you can call instead. Your body is to beautiful to hurt it like that. Remember that and as always, stay safe everyone <3