Fade in to a wide shot of Blue Base with Church looking at Doc rolling his eyes while Sabine checked Tucker who was clutching his stomach.
Church: Uhh, I don't believe this.
Doc: It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
Doc holds it up to Church as he raises an eyebrow.
Church: I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
Doc: Yeah also that.
Church: And infectious diseases.
Doc: Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Doc starts using his medical tool. Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.
Church glares at him.
Church: If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna freaking smash it!
Doc: And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency! My bad Church.
He shrugs as Sabine stands up.
Church: Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.
Doc: See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you.
Church: And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.
Tucker stands up holding his head and looks at them.
Tucker: Uogh, my head. What diagnosis?
Doc smiles at him as Sabine backs away.
Doc: Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.
O'Malley: Huhahaha, yes, with bastard. Muhuhahahahahaha.
Tucker looks at Doc to Church and Sabine.
Tucker: It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.
Church: Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic, man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about.
Doc looks at him with an eyebrow raised.
Doc: Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?
Sabine: Uh, I'm sorry Tucker for hitting you on the head.
Tucker: Naw it's fine. If being pregnant didn't have to do with the migraine then it's fine.
Church: Your not pregnant.
Tucker: How's your arm?
Sabine: It's fine and you should know you were awake when it happened?
Tucker: Really?!? I didn't say anything weird or do anything, right?
Sabines cheeks turned pink as she looked away.
Sabine: Nothing to weird, just really awkward.
Doc: Yeah, let's not talk about it.
Caboose runs in holding "Andy's" skull
Caboose: Doctor! Help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.
They turn to him and Church looks at him.
Church: Whoa whoa whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?
Caboose: Andy! Andy's dead. Look!
Caboose shows his 'skull' and Church and Sabine grimaced at that.
Church: Okay, that's disgusting.
Sabine: Ew.
Caboose looks at Doc pleading.
Caboose: Doctor Doc, please help him.
Doc: Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.
Church: Where did you get that?
Caboose whimpers and holds the skull close to his chest.
Caboose: First Tucker dies and now Andy! What if Sabines next!?
Doc: Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.
Tucker: It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!
Sabine: That only works when it's the man not the pregnant one.
Church: Stop that.
Tucker: Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's gonna take a little while to get used to this.
Sabine: Gross.
Church: You're not pregnant.
Sabine: Yes you are not. Caboose, I'm fine. (Gestures to arm) see? My arm is all fixed up.
Caboose: Really?
Sabine: Yes really, now how did Andy err, die?
Caboose: I was just standing outside the base, and someone told me to turn around and when I did, (voice breaks) Andy...
Church: Whoa wait, who told you to turn around?
Caboose: I don't know! But they were very helpful.
Church: And let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone.
Caboose: Yes. He was... gone.
Sabine and church look at each other.
Sabine: Heh, this has Sarge written all over it.
Church: Huhh, everybody stay here. I'll be right back, Sabine come with me.
Sabine: Not sure how I'm gonna be helpful but whatever.
Church and Sabine go to leave as Doc looks at them.
Doc: Wait, what do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?
Tucker: It's not mine.
Church and Sabine stop and look at them as Church gets angry.
Church: He is not pregnant!
Caboose looks at Church panicky.
Caboose: And what about Andy?
Church looks at him annoyed.
Church: And that's not Andy, just look, stay here!
Church and Sabine leave as Tucker gets in his knees holding his stomach in pain all curled up in a ball.
Tucker: Ahw, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
Doc: Oh boy, Caboose? Better go boil some water.
Caboose looks at him shocked.
Caboose: How can you think of soup at a time like this?
Cut to Andy translating Lopez's message from Red Command
Andy/Vic: Here are your orders for winning the war. Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And, please win, thank you.
Grif: That's totally, totally lame. It didn't even tell us how to rescue Sabine!.... And not at all surprising. Which is also totally, totally lame.
Simmons: I don't know 'bout that Grif, I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there. Right Sarge?
Sarge: Simmons have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!
Simmons: Oh, that's what I meant.
Sarge: Eliminate the enemy, what kinda plan is that? I think Command has lost it.
Grif: Lost it? When did they have it?
Donut sees Church coming and looks at the others nervously.
Donut: Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!
Grif: Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!
Sarges shoulders sag.
Sarge: Uhh, I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass.... jackass. I'll kill ya.
Donut: Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.
Simmons turns around and looks when donut was looking.
Simmons: What're you talking about Donut, the tank isn't coming out here. Look it's not even moving.
Donut turns around with him and points.
Donut: Yes it is, look!
Grif pats Sarge on the shoulder with a grin.
Grif: Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it.
Sarge: Just leave me alone. *Sarge starts crying*.
Simmons: Donut, I am looking, if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.
Donut: It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!
Simmons: What tree, there aren't any trees out here!
Grif: You wanna call me an idiot, Sarge? That always makes ya feel better.
Sarge: Oh, shut up moron.
Grif: Heh, feels better, right?
Sarge: Yeah, I guess a little.
Simmons: Nope, not moving.
Donut: Yes it is! See, look closer!
Sheila: (in the distance) Firing main cannon.
Sheila fires in to the rock behind Simmons and Donut
Simmons: Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.
Donut: RUUUN!
The Reds scatter ... all behind a single rock.
Donut: We're gonna die!
Sarge: Run, men!
Simmons: Ah, run away!
Grif: No!
Simmons: Please don't kill me!
Grif: No!
Simmons: Not the freaking tank!
Donut: Run!
Cut to the Reds behind their rock. Sarge looks at Grif.
Sarge: Regroup men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo.
Grif: Uhhhh...
Sarge looks at Simmons.
Sarge: Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.
Simmons smiles as Donut reloads his gun.
Simmons: Already on it, Sir.
Sarge: Return fire, men! I'll call for reinforcements. Come in Command, come in!
Vic Jr.: Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on? That sounds like fun.
Sarge: Vic, we need help. Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.
Simmons: Okay, how 'bout we give them our base?
Donut: Oh, good idea! We could live in the caves!
Simmons: We could let them kill Grif!
Sarge: Simmons, you're supposed to negotiate their surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?
Simmons', Grif's, and Donut's heads emerge right to left from above their rock in a comical way
Simmons: Hey Blues!- Up- I mean, Blue! We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!
Church: Wha- why would I-
Sheila fires, loudly
Church: Hey, hold on a second Sheila. Why would I surrender!?
The Reds mumble something including the word sandwich at least twice behind their rock before re-emerging
Simmons: Uh, because you're outnumbered!
Church: Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!
Sabine: He's got a point!
The Reds mumble something actually incoherent behind their rock before re-emerging again
Simmons: We also think that it's your turn to surrender.
Church: WHAT!?
Simmons: Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered, and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now, that means that...
Church gets annoyed and looks at Sheila.
Church: Sheila, shut him up.
Sheila fires at them
Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!
Simmons and Grif duck.
Donut: Is that a no?
Donut ducks as well as Church glares at them.
Church: Okay look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY, don't have time for this horseshit right now.
The three reds remerge and stare at him confused.
Grif: Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
Andy: (laughing) Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?
They stare at Andy shocked.
Church: WHAT?! NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Andy: Uhhh I mean uhhh alien baby? How could that have happened? I am shocked as you are.
Sabine: You knew about this and you didn't tell us?!? What's wrong with you!
Andy: Oh come on! It was alien! That's what they do!
Sabine: (sighs in annoyance) I guess that explains why the alien was stalking Tucker after we left the swamp.
Radio sounds
Caboose: Come in Church, come in.
Church turns towards the base turning on his radio.
Church: Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! ...Oh great, now I'm on the radio too.
Inside blue base Caboose is in the hallway with Doc behind him tending to Tucker.
Caboose: Oh that- that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio, aaand O'Malley is gone.
Outside the base Church groans.
Church: Oh my God!
Sabine: Why am I not surprised.
As Sarge talked Donut moved next to him.
Sarge: That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
Cuts to Blue Base where Tucker is giving birth to the alien baby.
Tucker: Ohh, hee hee hee hooo, huuugggghhh!
Doc: Congratulations, it's a... thing. Eugh.
Alien Baby: Honk honk, whaaargh, whaaargh!
Hearing the noise on the radio Church froze at that.
Church: What was that?
Caboose: Oh, well, that's the other thing I called about, um, Tucker had his gross baby.
Tucker: (inside base) It's not mine!
Church gets very annoyed and angry and very much done with everything.
Church: He is not PREGNANT! Sheila? Stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
Church runs towards the base as Donut gasp.
Donut: A baby? Wait up! I wanna see!
Donut follows him as Sarge tries to stop him.
Sarge: Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.
Sabine: And Church said not to move or Sheila will kill us.
Donut turns towards sarge and looks at him.
Donut: But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!
A ship lands square on Donut's head
Simmons: Ship's here.
Grif: Shotgun!
To be continued