Waking up next to Lisa was becoming harder and harder.
On the fifth day of their little holiday, Jennie slipped out of the bed earlier than usual, sneaking down the stairs and outside, sinking down to sit on the porch steps. She wrapped her arms around herself to warm herself in the cool morning air, drumming her legs up and down. Kuma had finally forgiven Jennie for the plane flight, and followed her outside, mewing gently at her feet. Jennie scratched her behind the ears.
"Kuma, I'm in so much trouble," she mumbled.
Every day Jennie felt like Lisa's scent was sticking to her skin. No matter how many times she showered, she'd never managed to get the smell of her to leave her, and the worst part was that she didn't want it to go. She'd found herself drifting into fantasy all too often, imagining what their life would be like if all of this was real: waking up together in one of their apartments, making breakfast together, being in each other's space every single day.
Jennie had woken that morning as the sun filtered through the window, the birds beginning to chirp outside. Lisa was still fast asleep on the bed, her head lolling to the side, hair splayed in wisps around the pillow. Her mouth was slightly parted, tiny snores emerging as she breathed in a steady rhythm. Not for the first time - or the second, third or even fourth time - she thought about kissing her. She knew exactly how she'd do it. She'd run her fingers through her hair, cup her cheek and slowly brush her lips against hers, her eyes shut as she let herself melt against her. The more she saw her dewy eyed, hair a mess from sleep, wearing nothing but a loose shirt and shorts, the worse the fantasies got.
Then she remembered that watching people sleep was creepy as hell, and she high-tailed it out of the room as quickly as possible.
"I'm in too deep," she muttered, as Kuma rubbed her body against Jennie's legs, crying out for attention.
She was being unfair to Lisa, and she knew that well. She'd asked so much of her over the past month, and she'd done everything and more to rise to the occasion. There weren't enough drinks in the world to thank her for this.
"Nini?"
Speak of the devil. Jennie turned to find Lisa, wrapped in a blanket, and leaning against the stair banisters just in front of the open door. She was still half-asleep, her eye lids at half-mast as she blinked at her, bleary-eyed.
"What are you doing up so early?" she said, and then covered her mouth as she stifled a yawn.
"I dunno," Jennie mumbled. "Catching the morning breeze. Watching the sunrise. Kuma was getting a little antsy so..."
As if on cue, Kuma mewed loudly, and Jennie scratched him behind the ears as thanks for backing up her pathetic excuse.
"You never used to get up this early," Lisa muttered, stumbling out onto the porch, and sinking down next to him.
Jennie kept her eyes straight forward. She couldn't tell her that she was the reason she was rushing out of bed every morning. Luckily for her, Lisa kept talking.
"I used to have to drag you out of bed every morning," Lisa said, her breath catching in the chilly morning air. "I'd have to bang on your door until one of your poor flatmates got fed up and let me in."
"Those were the days."
Lisa wrinkled her nose. "They really weren't. I don't miss being a Jennie alarm clock."
"Now I have my own little furry alarm clock, don't I?" She ran a hand through Kuma's fur.
Kuma barked indignantly, and strode towards Lisa for her affection. Lisa grinned, her voice taking on a high pitch as she scratched behind his ears, "Nini's such a pain, isn't she? Isn't she?" Kuma rubbed his body up against Lisa's legs, purring contentedly. "Oh, look, he likes me more than you!"
Jennie scowled. "No loyalty. No loyalty at all."
"He's always liked me better," Lisa said, with a grin. "Anyway, I was going to ask, are you okay?"
"Hmm?" Jennie blinked at her. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. I just woke up and you weren't there. Didn't know where you'd gone," she said. Her focus was still on the dog, her fingers trailing through his fur.
"I'm fine," she mumbled. "I was just awake. Thought I'd take Kuma out."
"Well, if you're sure," Lisa said, hopping to her feet, "I am going back to bed. It is way too early. See you at breakfast."
"Bye."
Jennie couldn't help but smile as she watched Lisa retreat into the house, blanket still around her shoulders. When she realised what she was doing, she turned back to Kuma, her head slumping into hands.
"I really am in too deep," she groaned.
This really, really had to stop.
**
Lisa was holding a long white wedding drape in her hands.
Their second week had dawned, wedding preparations were fully underway, and Jennie and Lisa had been swept under a tidal wave of duties and responsibilities.
"I hate to ask," Yerim would say before sending them out on another errand, "but this really needs to get done, and you two are the only ones free. I don't want to interrupt your holiday, but-"
"We'll do it," Jennue always said, quickly, in the interest of keeping herself busy so that she could give herself a distraction from a relentless problem in the form of a hopeless crush that was only becoming worse, and worse, and worse.
Lisa had no inkling of Jennie's real reasons they were keepings so busy, but it suited her itchy feet and her need to help just well, and soon enough she was running around errand after errand, carrying boxes, buying decorations, helping to track down favours and flowers and everything else under the sun. Their errands had led them to the barn where Jennie's parents were going to hold the reception, and Jennie was watching as Lisa teetered precariously on a stepladder, balancing on one foot as she attempted to hang the drapes over the rafters.
Jennie watched her, her teeth worrying against the bottom of her lip. "Don't fall," she called up at her, rather unhelpfully.
"I'm not going to fall," Lisa said through gritted teeth. Her voice was muffled, her mouth filled with pins. She took one out and reached as high as she could to stick the long sheath of white silk in place. She wobbled, and for a moment it really did look like she was going to fall, but she steadied herself before she could.
Jennie readied herself beneath the step-ladder, trying to give the illusion that she'd be ready to catch her if she did fall, even though she knew that if she tried, they'd both end up on the floor. She made a few more grunts, busying herself with pinning the slippery fabric in a new spot, her arms stretching out to a new spot, rising higher on her tip-toes.
"Be careful," Jennie said. Lisa didn't even dignify her with a response.
Lisa had been a little off with her all day. Maybe it was all the running around doing jobs for her mother that had her frustrated, or maybe she was just tired, either way, she'd been a little more curt than unusual with her. She resolved to make sure she took a break after this, no matter what her mom wanted them to do next.
"Well, well, this looks like busy work."
It was a familiar voice, and one that set Jennie's skin on edge. She turned, and sure enough, there was Mr. Yang, leaning casually against one of the barn doors, a twisted grin across his face and a nasty glint in his eye. Jennie plastered on a fake smile.
"Uncle," she said, putting on a forced, bright voice. "You're here early."
"Didn't want to miss this. Haven't you heard? This is supposed to be the event of the season," Mr. Yang said.
There was an edge to his voice that made Jennie distinctly uncomfortable. She didn't have time to dwell on it, though, because behind her there was a loud scream, and a thump.
Jennie turned, and saw that Lisa had slipped from the stepladder - she landed, luckily, in one of the decoration hay bales, rubbing her back and swearing loudly.
"Lisa!" She ran over and joined her side, holding a hand out to pull her up.
"Don't touch me, Kim," she grumbled, pushing her hand away.
Apparently falling on her butt had done nothing for her mood.
"Oh, Lisa, my dear!" Yerim, who had appeared at the front of the barn just in time to see Lisa fall, sped past Mr. Yang and Jennie to bend down and help Lisa up. "C'mon, let's get you back to the house."
"I'm fine, Mrs. Kim, really," Lisa said, between pained grunts.
"Yerim, dear, please," Yerim said, supporting Lisa as they made their way towards the door. As she passed Jennie, she clipped her over the head. "Honestly, Jane, why weren't you watching the ladder?"
Jennie made a few helpless noises that Yerim ignored. "You stay here and clean up the rest of this mess," she said. Jennie made a move as if to protest. Yerim gave her a stern look. "I mean it, Ruby Jane."
Jennie watched as Yerim helped Lisa out of the barn, leaving her alone with Mr. Yang.
She turned to gather up the leftover silk that had been left on the floor, and began to fold it up and put it into the basket it they'd brought it in. She was all too aware of Mr. Yang's presence, hovering behind her like a bad smell, his gaze on her back. Jennie kept folding, determined not to let it get to her.
He was the first to break the silence. "She's a very pretty girl, that Lisa."
Jennie's jaw clicked. "Yes. She is."
"You must like her very much."
"I do," Jennie said, keeping her eyes fixed on her work, methodically folding up the white material.
Mr. Yang was still watching her, his eyes boring into Jennie's back. "What a pity this is all going to end soon," he said.
Jennie gritted her teeth. She hadn't forgotten that Mr. Yang knew that she and Lisa were faking it, and the thought put her on edge. She was fairly sure that Mr. Yang wasn't going to tell anyone - however unpleasant Mr. Yang was, he'd never managed to cause any real problems, and even if he did, there was no saying that her family would believe his words but even so, there was a sing-song lilt to Mr. Yang's voice that made Jennie sure that he was up to something.
She stood up, taking the basket with her, and turned to him, keeping a wary eye, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean," she said.
"How proud your parents must be," Mr. Yang said, "that you found someone like her."
"I'm sure they're thrilled," Jennie said, crisply.
"Don't you think they'll be devastated when they find out it's not real?"
Jennie pressed her lips into a thin line, refusing to give an answer, and heading towards the entrance of the barn, basket balanced on her hip.
Mr. Yang's eyebrows shot upwards. "Oh, were you not planning on telling them at all?" he said, a hint of glee behind his scandalized tone. "Well, I hope Miss Manoban is prepared for that."
Jennie stilled, turned, and looked at him. "What do you mean by that?"
"Just that this whole situation must be a little uncomfortable for her," Mr. Yang said, examining the barn. "If only you could see her when you're not around. It's so obvious she doesn't want to be here."
"That's not true," Jennue said, flatly. "She wouldn't have come if she didn't want to."
But it felt false almost as soon as she'd said it. She thought back to the reunion, when Jiyoung and Yerim had announced that their wedding and invited Jennie and Lisa. She'd been furious - "It was only supposed to be for one day, Jennie. You promised." - she hadn't wanted to come in the first place. Had she forced her? Had she been resenting her this whole time?
Mr. Yang noticed Jennue faltering, the glint in his eye shining. "Poor dear looks so uncomfortable," he said, "can't imagine what it must be like, to have to pretend to have feeling for someone you don't feel anything for, and she's such a lovely young lady, she'd probably never admit it how bad she must feel." He grinned. "Better be careful, Jennie. Don't try and get more than you deserve, or you'll lose what you already had."
Then he drifted away, leaving Jennie alone in the empty barn.
**
Jennie didn't go home.
At least, she didn't right away. Rather than gathering up the silk meant for the rafters and taking it back to the house like she'd initially planned, she busied herself with getting further down on Yerim's list, doing as many things as she could to get things ready for the wedding. As far as she was concerned, the more she could do to avoid seeing Lisa, the better. Outside the barn it had started to rain, and what started as a drizzle, soon became a downpour. Jennie ignored it, heaving the barn doors shut so that none of the decorations would get wet, and then carried on her work.
Yang's words kept ringing in her head, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself they weren't true, she couldn't help the sinking feeling that had made its home in stomach. As mean spirited as his words had been, they were grounded in truth. Jennie had been taking advantage of her. She'd let herself get too deep in the lie, she was starting to believe it was true.
She'd let this go way too far, she thought to herself bitterly, as she dragged bales of hay around to find their perfect position. Last week in the aquarium, the dim light overhead, Lisa's fingers curled in hers, Jennie had almost kissed her. No one had been there to see it, no one was watching, there was no need to act up, and yet she'd been making her act like a couple again. The more she thought about it, the more she realised that is what she'd been doing all along: she'd promised herself that she wouldn't cross any boundaries, and yet, she'd been doing nothing else for weeks.
It had to stop.
Eventually, Jennie braved the rain outside and dragged herself back to the house. By the time she got there, she was sodden, soaked through, but resolute: the facade she'd made with Lisa had to stay strictly in front of people; by themselves, they could be nothing but friends.
She found her sitting cross-legged on the bed, her head tilted to the side as she brushed her hair out in long strokes. She swallowed, and knew she was making the right decision when her heartbeat lifted. This had to stop.
"Jennie!" she said, her eyes lighting up when she to her. "I was wondering where you'd got to, I thought I'd have to send Yerim out with a search party."
Jennie leaned against the door frame. "Thought I'd just carry on with the list," she said, rubbing the back of her neck. "You alright? After the fall?"
Lisa smiled, and Jennie wished she wouldn't. Something about that smile made her insides melt. "I'm fine," she said. "Didn't break anything. Sorry for snapping at you. I hope you weren't worried."
"No," Jennie said. "That's good."
Lisa blinked at her, and there was a slight pause before she said, "Well, I'm pretty tired, so I was thinking about going to bed soon," she said, springing to her feet and smoothing down the duvet covers. "You good?"
"Actually," Jennie said, "I think I'll sleep on the sofa tonight."
For a moment, Lisa froze, her hands hovering mid-air. Then she rolled her eyes and shot her a grin. "Nini, we've been over this, I don't care about us sharing a bed-"
"I know," Jennie said, linking her fingers together and stretching her arms up in the air. One thing Mr. Yang said had stuck out in particular - "She'd probably never admit how bad she must feel"- Jennie wasn't going to let herself off the hook. "I just think it'd be better if I just... slept on the sofa."
Lisa stilled. "Have I done something wrong?" she asked, after a few moments had passed.
"No," Jennie said, quickly. "No, God no, Lisa, nothing. It's just that I don't want to keep taking up your personal space. It's not fair. I should have been sleeping on the sofa from the beginning."
"Jennie, we've been sharing a bed for a week, why are you so bothered about this now?" Lisa said, her voice low.
"I don't know," Jennie mumbled. "I just felt like I was being unfair."
Lisa ran a hand through her hair. "What about keeping up appearances? What if your parents notice?"
"I'll wake up before they do."
"Jennie," she said, sighing and rubbing her face. "I don't want to take your bed away from you. If this is what you really want, let me sleep on the sofa."
Jennie shook her head, vigorously. "No. I'm not letting you sleep downstairs, especially not with your injury."
"I told you, I'm not hurt."
"I'll be fine," she said and put on a fake smile. "It'll be more comfortable than you think."
There was another long pause, and then Lisa sighed again. "Well, if that's what you want, Jennie."
No.
"It is," Jennie said, turning away and rummaging through her cabinet so she wouldn't have to look at her. She found a shirt she could use as pyjamas and then made for the door, turning to look over her shoulder at her before she left.
She was sitting cross-legged on her bed again.
"Okay," she said.
Then she went back to fiddling with the ends of her hair, staring down at the strands and not looking up at her.
"Okay," Jennie mumbled, and turned away, leaving her alone in the room.
The next morning, Jennie woke up alone on the sofa, a crick in her neck and her limbs aching. She shivered with cold, and she couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.
Jennie avoided Lisa as much as she possibly could for the next few days.
If no one else was around, Jennie found a way to not be around Lisa - she'd make up some excuse, invent an errand Yerim had sent her on and escape somewhere else. It was the only way to avoid any more unwanted situations with her. Mr. Yang's words had her hard, and Jennie had resolved that no matter what, she would not make things uncomfortable for her. She'd got her into this mess, she wouldn't make it worse for her.
It was all well and good, before Yerim and Jiyoung had dragged them out one morning, arms around the two of them.
"Will you at least tell us where we're going?" Jennie grumbled as she was pushed along the gravel path by her father.
"Dance lessons!"
Jennie dug her heels into ground. "Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no."
"What?
"I'm not dancing."
Jiyoung grinned, as if she'd expected this. "It's a wedding, dear. Of course you're dancing. You wouldn't want to leave Lisa without a partner, would you?"
She glanced over at Lisa, who was walking beside them. Her expression was blank.
"I can't dance, Dad, you know I can't," Jennie said, quickly. "I've got two left feet. This is cruel, Dad. Cruel!"
Beside her, Lisa, and then covered her mouth, as if she'd been surprised by her own laughter. Jennie glanced her way, and started walking properly. "Fine," she said, with a pout. "But I'm telling you, this isn't going to go well."
**
It didn't go well.
To no one's surprise, Jennie was not a good dancer. Her arms stuck out awkwardly, her feet seemed to have a mind of their own, and no matter what, she couldn't stay on rhythm. They were in the barn, a CD player balanced on one of the hay bales, the dance teacher Yerim had hired perched above them all and calling out criticisms. Jiyoing and Yerim spun around in each other's arms as gracefully as anything, and Lisa top-of-the-dance-class Manoban was, of course, as elegant and as poised as a person could be.
Lisa had been a little distant at the beginning, a little more quiet than usual, but after a while, the old Lisa began to leak back as they spun around the dance floor.
"I don't understand how you're so bad at this," she said, after she'd stepped on her toes for the fourth time. "It's easy."
"Easy for you maybe," Jennie grumbled, staring down at her feet and wondering how she usually managed to get them to do what she said.
Lisa rolled her eyes. "This kind of dancing is remarkably sexist," she said. "So, against my better judgment and understanding of gender politics, let me be the man."
"You what?"
"I'll lead, all you've gotta do is follow."
She put one of her arms on her shoulder, and then the other on her waist - her heartbeat rose significantly - and then lead her round the room. At first, Jennie stared down at her feet, watching the steps and being careful not to step on her feet again, but after a while, her feet had started to do the work for her, and she was looking at her face again.
She was smiling at her, her eyes twinkling. God, it was so nice to see her smile. She'd been avoiding her so much that she hadn't seen it in a while, and she'd forgotten the way that it made her eyes shine. For a moment, the whole world faded around them, and for those wonderful seconds, it was just the two of them together, spinning around and getting lost in each other's eyes. And then:
"Nini," she whispered. "Your parents are watching."
And then they kissed.
It was the first time they'd kissed properly since the reunion, and for a while, Jennie melted into it, her fingers reaching for Lisa, cupping her cheek and pulling her closer. Her lips were as soft as she remembered, and her stomach roared, flipping over and over in a mixture of nervousness and delight. It was exactly as wonderful as she remembered, and it was everything she wanted in that moment.
The illusion shattered.
She'd done it again. She'd let herself get lost in a moment with her, a moment that could only ever be fake, a moment solely for the benefit of her parents. This wasn't real. She was taking advantage of her, again. It had to stop.
She broke away from the kiss, backing away from her. "Sorry," she mumbled. "Sorry."
People were starting to hover around the barn, having heard about the dance lessons and wanting to join in. In the corner of her eye, Jennie could see Mr. Yang, watching from the side, a twisted grin on his face. Lisa was watching her, blinking in surprise.
"Sorry," she mumbled again.
Then she scarpered out of the barn and away.
The next day, Jennie kept herself away from Lisa as much as possible.
When Yerim sent them out on an errand together, neither of them spoke. They walked in silence through the town, only talking when someone else spoke to them. It was hard to avoid the townspeople. The wedding had been the talk of the town for weeks, and people kept coming up to the two of them to ask about how it all going, and to talk about the night before.
"Wonderful dancing," someone said, "you looked like you were enjoying yourselves."
"Yes," Jennie said.
"We were," Lisa said.
Neither of them mentioned the kiss.