┌────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────┐
TEN.
❝𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘩 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵.❞
└────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────┘
i love this song.
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The feeling of being pulled into a side hug and the scent of whatever aftershave Cals wearing makes me grin. His voice sounding muffled from one of my ears being covered by his chest."Thanks for coming mate, means a lot"
"Of course—anytime." I tell him in return, patting his chest a few times.
"The pair of you rigged that.... stupid bastards" Lux shouts from the kitchen where he's tidying up. His middle finger coming into view from our distance away from him. I simply blow him a kiss I return, finishing up the laces on my shoes.
Filming with them both felt so natural. Its as if the camera wasn't there as I fucked up Lux' dish behind his back, both me and Cal cracking up with laughter, our faces turning red. It was the best distraction to take my thoughts away from harry, working perfectly as I never thought of him once while being in the company of the two other boys.
"Just text me if you need anything okay?" Cal speaks softly.
"You my mum now?" I snigger, taking a look up at him.
"Just want to make sure you're good that's all." I smile sincerely, thanking him for all of today. Shouting bye to the other callum, he tells me to drive safe the cold air hitting my face as soon as I'm out of the door. It's not dark out yet, the sun still shining even though it's the middle of Autumn.
Fuck, today's been a shit one.
I keep my composure as I get to my small car, my lip quivers from holding back the tears for this long.
I'm an extremely emotional person, something I always have been. I think that because I let Marcus control me and use every minor thing I ever did wrong against me for so long. When he was gone out of my life, I could finally let it all go. So I cried and cried until there was nothing left in me. I'm so used to bottling it up but my mum has always told me that with every problem, there's always a lesson to learn. My lesson in that situation being to just cry. From then on, I've had no problem crying. No matter what happens. Happy, sad, scared, anything. I cry.
So maybe this stings a hell of a lot more because I don't know what emotion it is that I'm feeling. I didn't get an explanation. Not one that was good enough that is. That's why I'm so hurt over it.
Driving down the road back to my house, I let myself calm down. I shouldn't be this upset. We're not together. We're not together. We aren't together. I have no authority over what he decides to do, he's his own person and I can't and never will control that.
Just as things are looking up for me, it all comes crashing down. It always fucking happens. The moment I finally feel content, my life comes to a sudden hault. Everything that I once felt secure in, fucking me over.
I guess it's just my luck, a curse as I'd like to call it. Its as if the universe has it out for me, ruining all of my chances to be happy. I've got all I could ever dream of wanting, so why is it the one thing I want, not want me?
No.
I'm not ready to admit that yet.
I can't.
The tight feeling in my chest expands, making the closed space of my car unexpectedly making me feel claustrophobic. The sound of going back home and staying in London making me feel dizzy.
U-turning around, I drive in the opposite direction of my house. Taking the route back to my actual home.
I need out of here.
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It took about 4 hours and what felt like 80 stops for me to make it to Manchester. My car is a riot, different bags of crisps and a few bottles of water sat scattered on the floor. I don't think I thought of this plan well enough, the only things I have with me are my phone and charger. No change of clothes, no makeup and no given indication to my mum that im even coming to see her.
It's a lot darker now, the only things I can see being the dimly lit road ahead of me. What made her move out into the middle of nowhere? Such an inconvenience.
My phone is connected to the speakers already, one of my big playlists playing songs the entire drive here. The opening tune of 'dont delete the kisses' by wolf alice begins to play. Drums hitting on repeat as she begins to sing. Turning the volume up as high as I can, I let go of any worries I have right now. Letting the music take it all away.
I roll the driver seat window down, a strong breeze making my hair flail around behind my face. Its so quiet, the only thing I can hear being the sound of my own thoughts and the song blasting loudly.
What if it's not made for me?
Love.
I scream the chorus, eyes still focused on driving. My head has completely been taken over by the blue eyed boy who appeared from nowhere and turned everthing upside down. It was as if he was like supposed to be in my life, clicking like two pieces of lego.
When I see you, the whole world reduces
To just that room.
There's no harm in saying that there is something there, some sort of spark that just sticks around when we're together. I've always been one to over romanticise love, the cliche little things that you see in every romcom to ever exist. But deep down ive knew that love will never be for me. At least not in the way it's portrayed in those films.
And I like you,
and I'll never let it show.
My whole perception of love was ruined once before. I actually believed that I was loved with marcus. How stupid is that? When I finally figured it out and knew that it wasn't what love is meant to look like, my whole way of seeing it changed.
Love is sweet. Its pure and genuine. Its like the rush you get as you know you're about to drop on a rollercoaster, suffocating and drowning in a bottomless pit. Its passion. Its addictive. Its happiness.
Its not holding your breath incase you breathe too heavy for them to start an argument. Its not biting your tongue with every snarky remark in hopes that it'll get better. Its not meant to feel like your words are being stripped from you, the highs being so perfect. The lows ripping you of every emotion you can think of.
I'm retelling jokes you made that made me laugh
Pretending that they're mine
Happiness comes in phases with me. One minute im feeling on top of the world, the next I can't even figure out why I'm the way I am.
But lately its not been a phase. My contentment stemming from the people and person I surround myself with. Its one of those things that I can't properly decipher, I just get the impression that I'm finally pulling myself out of that glooming sadness that hangs over my head like a grey cloud.
I wanna tell the whole world about you
I think that that's a sign
I'm losing self-control and it's you
It really is, 1000 times
But how. How do I fix this. How do I come to terms with how I feel lit up when he's around? How do I rid myself of it when all that's on my mind is him.
I look at your picture and I smile
How awful's that? I'm like a teenage girl
I might as well write all over my notebook
That you rock my world
It scares me, so so much. Caring for somebody this much when that has been held against me in the past. I can't help but doubt it. Feel that lack of uncertainty about him having this same compassion for me too.
I can't just drastically change the way I'm wired overnight. If I could I would, but it's never that simple. This sort of damage has crushed me with an overwhelming force of a tidal wave, drowning me in its cold embrace.
You've turned me upside down
And that's okay, I'll let it happen
'Cause I like having you around.
I think it's time for change. Time for me to push aside my doubts and insecurities. I want to be better. I want to be loved, even if it's the last thing I ever do.
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this one is quite short soz.
JUST A LITTLE LOOK INTO FAYES THOUGHTS AND WHY SHES SHIT SCARED TO ADMIT SHE LIKES HARRY
FUCK MARCUS.
anyways dont delete the kisses will always be one of my favourite songs. THE SECOND VERSE IS JUST SOOOOOOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
IT ITCHES A PART IN MY BRAIN GOODBYE
also we're on chapter 10. what the fuck. ive never been so dedicated to a book before im loving it.💪🏻💪🏻
BYEEEEEEE