Fade in to Red Base to Simmons talking to Sarge with Grif next to him.
Simmons: Sarge, finally, I need to tell you what the Blues are planning.
Sarge: I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!
Simmons: Good to see you too, sir.
Grif: We didn't let him in the base.
Sarge: He's standing right here.
Grif: Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.
Simmons: Defense protocol? You asked me what the password was.
Grif: And you knew it.
Simmons: I guessed it. By the way, the password was 'password.'
Grif: It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!
Sarge: Diabolical.
Simmons: A password should contain at least one number, and one letter. For example, your password would be "2dumb2live".
Sarge: Excellent burn.
Simmons: Thank you, sir.
Sarge: Traitor.
Simmons: Dammit.
Sarge: Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason.
Simmons: How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues?
Sarge: No! We have to have a trial. Right here, right now.
Simmons: What? We don't even have a judge.
Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?
Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed.
Simmons: I don't recognize the authority of this court.
Sarge: No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.
Simmons: But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?
Sarge: Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.
Simmons: But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me.
Sarge: So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!
Simmons: No- wait, I mean no- yes-no, that was right, I think.
Grif: Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away sir?
Sarge: Permission denied. If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him!
Simmons: Whowowowhoa wait a second, I prefer to defend myself.
Sarge: I knew you'd say that, and as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself, has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Grif.
Grif: Who's the prosecution?
Sarge: Why I am of course.
Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest.
Sarge: I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection.
Grif: Uh, we'd like to enter a plea.
Simmons: What?
Grif: Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.
Sarge: I'm listening.
Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
Everyone shivers at that and groans.
Simmons: (groans) Officer Hot-pants.
Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
Cut to Grif, Sabine and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake
Simmons: Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
Sabine: Why does it say happy birthday in italics?
Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut...?!
Cut back to the present
Grif: And that was the day Sabine despised pink frosting till this day.
Sarge: Hrh, okay. We'll commute Simmons' sentence in favour of time served.
Grif: With time off for good behaviour.
Sarge: No-one wants a messy trial.
Grif: I also think he should pay a hefty fine, which we can split.
Sarge: Agreed.
Simmons: But I didn't do anything.
Grif does a shut up motion with his hand as he looked at Simmons.
Grif: You just keep your mouth shut. And don't talk to the press.
Donut comes in with a smile.
Donut: Hey, what's goin' on in there?
Sarge, Grif, and Simmons: Nothing!
Cut and pan down to O'Malley in blood gulch in the middle of the field.
O'Malley: Huhahahahahaah, now be careful. Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing. We don't know what to expect from these fools. This could all be an elaborate trap! And we don't want to be caught off-guard.
Doc: You mean get caught in a trap before we have a chance to spring our trap.
O'Malley: Precisely you fool, now shut up. At least we have a lookout. Lopez! What do you see up there?
Lopez rolls his mechanical eyes from atop of a rock.
Lopez: No mucho. Tal como siempre. Este lugaar es la mierda. [Nothing much. Just like always. Man, this place sucks.]
O'Malley: I haven't been here in some time, which one is the Blue Base?
Doc points to the base in blue.
Doc: It's the blue one.
O'Malley: Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design. Hmm, it's quiet, too quiet.
A sniper shot rings by O'Malley's head
O'Malley: Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
Church: Alright hold it right there!
Lopez: Veo a alguien. Creo que tiene un arma. [I see someone now. I think he has a gun.]
O'Malley rolls his eyes at him.
O'Malley: Yes I see that, thank you for keeping us informed, moron...
O'Malley looks at Church who's on top of the base with Sabine and Caboose.
Church: Yeah that was just a warning shot O'Malley. You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor.
Caboose looks at him curiously.
Caboose: You think you can make that shot from here?
Church looks at him nervously.
Church: Uh, probably not, I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody screws with the sights on this thing when I'm not lookin'.
Sabine: Or maybe your just bad at it.
Church: Quiet prisoner.
Sabine: Okay.
O'Malley: I knew it! This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us in to an ambush!
Church: First of all, I don't know if calling you on the phone and inviting you over- I don't know if that qualifies as an elaborate scheme. And secondly, we're not ambushing you. We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit.
O'Malley: I'm not very big on rules, you know.
Doc: It's true! We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!
O'Malley: Oh shut up!
Doc: And he always leaves the milk out!
O'Malley: You fool! Be quiet.
Doc: And don't even get me started on the phone bill.
Sabine: Why do we even need a bill for this crappy radios. They don't even work very good.
Church: Hey Doc, I see you're still swimmin' around in that head somewhere too.
Doc: Well it's not the ideal situation, but any relationship requires work if you-
O'Malley: You fool! This isn't a relationship, I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcass into a swamp, and let the beasts feed on your entrails, huhuhuhuhahahahaa.
Doc smiles at him.
Doc: I love you too buddy.
O'Malley: Oh shut up.
Church: Well, don't get any bright ideas about jumping in to anyone else today, O'Malley. We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. (Glances at caboose) For some of us that was easier than others.
Sabine: Yeah, definitely.
Caboose: I just finished thinking about something, and didn't start thinking about anything else.
Church: So here's how this is gonna work: You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker, you're gonna tell us what's wrong, Then fix up Sabine and then you're gonna leave.
O'Malley: Hmm, and what do we get?
Church: Whaddaya want. And I should warn you, Tex is not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother.
Sabine: I'd kick your ass with one hand behind my back if you do!
Church: The hurt one or-
Sabine: What do you think?
Doc: Well a standard physical usually requires a twenty dollar co-pay. Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance plan they have.
O'Malley: You fool, let me negotiate. We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huhuhuhuahahahaha.
Church: No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!
O'Malley: Huhuhuhuhuhuh, oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker and Sabine will die, die a most horrible death. And you know their blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save them, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening. What I want is something pure evil, aaahahahahahahahahaaa! I'm also being told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.
Church: Alright, fine.
O'Malley: Hah, huhaha you fool, and we want the twenty dollars up front!
Church: Fine!
O'Malley: And in cash...
Church: Oh whatever!
O'Malley: Ah you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles! Or at least a thirty-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools!
Church rolls his eyes and looks at the other two.
Church: Caboose, give me twenty dollars. Wait, give me thirty dollars. Sabine you contribute to, give me ten bucks.
Sabine: Who brings money on a battle field anyway?