It was 8 in the evening when Sidharth returned home, the scrub top still on, the surgical gloves, scrub cap, and gown disposed already, the top had patches of blood and some fluid, anyone could tell that he has just came out of OT, a little disheveled, a little sloshed too, so unlikely of him, 8 years he has not drank more than a can of beer, beer because that was the least he could shift too, he couldn't stop it all of a sudden and talking about the past 4 years, he has almost stopped drinking unless for a few occasions here and there, his wife yet again playing an important role, no she has never stopped him, not even once because he actually drank in a limit a can is no harm you see, but she just has a phenomenon of revulsion because of the smell maybe, and being a little considerate that he is he has actually controlled himself specially when around her, about considerate towards whom is still a question as she never complained, but today it was more than just a can, more than just beer, not out of his senses, he could not right, he had to drive back home and drink and drive is a crime, yet a little more than that level, he was not even tipsy how could he be sloshed then, still in whole of his senses just a little loose to let go off his emotions easily.
" Kya hua Sidharth ye kya haal bana rakha hai, why haven't you changed it back in the hospital" Maa asked seeing him, not everyday you find him drunk, especially not in front of her, she knows he drinks, even smokes but he actually refrains it in front of her, not everytime well most of the times, unless it's in some gatherings or his emotions are taking a toll on him and this time it seemed the second possibility, the disheveled hairs, The blood patch on his scrub top, something was bothering him she was sure.
" Voh aise hi, Shehnaaz" He asked not actually sitting anywhere, he knows he needs to dispose these clothes and have a bath first.
" So rahi hai, Abhi just 6:30 aai thi, thakaan I guess, she is still weak Sidharth, check up karwana chaiye, I guess, not good for both of them bacha"
"I will see that Maa, kal subah maybe Dr. Khurana I will ask her when she is free"
" Khana khayega, laga doon, ya uske saath hi khayega"
"Kuch bhi nhi khaya kya usne, Mera mood nhi hai, jab voh uthegi Tab uske saath hi kha lunga man kiya toh"
" You okay! "
" I am, I am Aap baitho I will just come, Akele mat khana aapko bhi bor hoga hain, aa.... Aa raha hoon"
" Okay! "
" Acha suno do I stink a lot"
" Not a lot but a bit, kapdo par giri hai whatever you had I guess, not you your clothes stink, this blood fluid too na, OT se aa raha hai direct"
" Hmm... Aata hoon"
" You sure na Montu, You Scaring Me"
" I am, I am, It's Just.... Kuch nhi chodo" He walked into his room, took his tee and shorts and was off in the bathroom but the shuffling has made her stirr in sleep, light sleeper she was, a blow of wind could wake her up too quite opposite to Sidharth.
" Good Evening Maa" She hugged her coming out of the room with a smile, three days, not the longest she had been away but still the toughest, what changed? Maybe Everything she knew.
" Uth kyun gaya Bacha, Sojati thodi der aur! "
" Haaye nhi, raat ko neend nhi aayegi phir, Pareshaan hoga voh, subah jaldi uthna hoga na aur vaise bhi jab tak shanti na ho voh sota nhi hai, aur main... I doubt agar jaagi toh shaanti hogi kamre main"
" I am on a day off, nhi jaa raha kal" He announced coming out freshly showered, Ok again unusual, He was never on a day off, not when he had not planned it earlier, this was unexpected.
" Sidharth tabiyat kharab hai kya" Shehnaaz asked looking at him, three long days she has not seen him, yes video call was an option but she needed it, they needed it she realised eventually, yes she has cried alot in these days but she was happy by the end of the day. They have not discussed the fight yet but they were good, better actually.
" Vaise Itne off toh aapne 4 saal main nhi liye, kya baat hai, Kuch hua hai ya biwi ki yaad zyada aa rahi hai" She tried to bring that smile on his face which was missing but guess it didn't worked.
" Abhi nhi Shehnaaz, I am not in this mood right now" He spoke a little louder than required and it would be a lie if she says it didn't hurt, it did, was his care limited to the phone only she thought, but he seemed stressed, how well the way he was biting his nails, the feet that has been in a continuous tapping motion but yet she seemed not to voice it out right now. She will once they are back in the room.
Anger and the words he speaks in anger she just couldn't take it more for now and she don't want Maa to witness their fight, never, between them it is always.
" Acha theek hai mat jaana, Hume shopping jaana tha vaise bhi, lekar jaana hume, aur..... "
" Free ka driver ban jaana" He scoffed and she tried controlling her laugh, alright cute.... Her husband was very cute she thought.
" Shehnaaz Sidharth baith jao, have food baad main you can continue this tom and Jerry wala thing of yours"
" Hmm" He spoke setting beside Her, again unusual, something was wrong, Where was his Maa yaar she wondered.
" Raju Bhaiya lao main aapko help karta hoon" He spoke standing up and Shehnaaz was about to interfere when was stopped by Maa.
" Rehne De Sana, he is trying to distract himself, let him be"
" Lekin Maa He looks tired, I will help na, unko... "
" Shshshs uska ghar hai, karne de thoda kaam, you have your food"
" Unhone bhi nhi khaya na"
" Kha lega, He is not ignorant towards food, bhook nhi hogi, tum khatam karo abhi, no nakhre, chalo shabash. "
" Ye taana tha na mere liye" She asked pouting.
" Vaisa tha toh" Maa spoke and they laughed, a heartily laugh after 3 days she thought.
*
" Shehnaaz tired right, sleep if you want aata hoon thodi der Maa ke saath baith ke " He spoke when they were done with their dinner.
" Aap khana kha lijiye na pehle, kyun aisa kar rahe hai"
" Listen..... Uff Man nhi hai Shehnaaz" He was a bit harsh in the starting but was normal towards the end.
" Aap theek hai na sachi"
" Haan baba Theek hoon, Gussa bhi nhi hoon if that's what you are thinking alright sweetheart, go rest" He spoke pecking her forehead and she sighed.
*
" Maa you mind if I have a smoke here" He asked getting up from her lap, well he has been here from the past 20 minutes, calming himself down.
" I don't mind but no you aren't allowed, dekh kar hi lag raha hai already ho gaya aaj ka, no more" She spoke sternly and waited for him to continue because she can feel it's because of a failed operation, just a motherly instinct.
" He died Maa " He whispered after a long silence.
" Who died Sidharth, what's happening baba" She asked.
" That patient, ..... Craniotomy that was what I was performing Maa, .... Nothing that I hadn't done na Maa, so many .....so many times..... in this career Maa.... But still he.... He..... "
" Sidharth ok relax Alright" She spoke seeing her son so disturbed by a death in an OT, nothing new for him right, he had seen many operations failing and the people dying, Sidharth was no, exception, He had seen enough of them, side effects of being a doctor.
He was not disturbed by them, for a few in the start of his internship yes he was, pretty normal for everyone right, it's not everyday you see patients dying, except for that he has never been this affected unless those two times... One was the death of His father, he was a child back then alright maybe not a child but just 18 he was hardly grown up, not even in this field, that was the first death he saw and the second... Let it be.
" Maa I..... I feel choked.... Up"
" Sidharth you have seen enough of them baba, what's happening, why all of a sudden"
" Glioblastoma Maa" He spoke and she fell silent.
" Someone... It was diagnosed as an Grade -II Astrocytoma Maa, not me some other doctor, operation .... Operation tha uska aaj, I..... Healing Touch, the hospital name, the case was transferred to us, His Family was hell bent for an operation Maa, maybe the previous Doctor suggested, I.... Tried asking them to undergo all the tests again.... Symptoms uski Family .... They told were seizures, headaches, nausea, vomiting, memory loss, personality changes, and localized paraesthesia, every fucking symptom same Maa ,every fucking thing was same, sab same tha just the doctor was different, it was me this time Maa.... I..... Broked it Maa" He continued, breathing heavily.
" Sidharth " She gasped, not easy for a mother to see her child this broken, yet she was so helplessly seeing him going through a probable breakdown again.
" I was so sure Maa it is a grade -IV glioblastoma, surgery could be fucking dangerous, We have seen it na, we both have seen it, still The Executive Officer, Nahi Maana, I am.... Bound to these fucking rules, that I had to follow Maa, his brain was opened, the cranium vault removed, was removing the Tumor cells, Was successful as well according to the reports utne hi hisse main tha na, but the tissue was more, I could see it, we just, couldn't leave it like that Na, Nitin was there, the CEO too, sab sahi tha but the patient died of anesthesia Maa, his age just couldn't take the effects of anaesthesia that long".
" It's alright Baba, inevitable hai na, you couldn't change it"
" Ho sakta tha na Maa, Just like that previous time iss baar bhi regret is all that I have, only if I have tried a little more, chemo aur radio ke liye mana sakta tha unko, kuch saal aur jee sakte the voh, if only Surgery wasn't suggested, Reports ek baar phir karwa sakte the na"
" Sidharth bas bacha, kisiki galti nhi thi, pre-destined, it was written no baba, one case you failed on this what about those you were successful, in all those states you specially were called baba, you know that is untreatable a few years maybe, 2 or 3 maximum, kaiyo main voh bhi nhi, alright na life hai"
" Maa his family, it just resembled aap samjh rahe ho, the scene, pehli baar there was those emotions inside me Maa, that what we saw, same hollowness, same pain in all those eyes Maa"
" Sidharth zindagi hai, Toh Maut bhi hogi na, That pain that would be there even if he would have died an year after, two years after, anytime that pain would be there na, you know there's nothing you could do for the Grade-4 Glioblastoma, seen enough right, why are you going in the shell again Sidharth"
" I don't know Maa, I just.... " He sighed. He felt lighter sharing it, he wasn't that weak to cry on a patient's death but this felt similar, fucking similar as if living everything again.
" You remembered her right " She asked.
" I did! That patient ... She, Me that.. That doctor, His Family.... Us, sab same just characters changed"
" Nothing is same Sidharth, what's same, doctor ho you know some diseases are not treatable, one of them, why to let it affect you, kya same tha She died because diagnose bahut late hua tha, you know that, this because he had lived his life enough Sidharth, Anaesthesia handle nhi hua toh I guess hoga na above 70, not that I am saying it's not scary,every death is but reality,accept it, this is what you have been doing right for every surgery that fails. "
"He was quite old 75+ I guess, Death is not affecting me Maa, seen enough in my career, that same hollowness is"
" Sidharth the same hollowness is in everyone's eyes who looses their family baba, nothing new again alright, relax karo tum" She spoke, no she was not stone hearted but he has to calm down how will he if she would exaggerate the situation, she knew why this reaction and this restlessness. Glioblastoma Stage -IV the second death he observed was because of.
" Sorry Aapko pareshan kar diya na " He asked
" Chamat lagegi ab, Bacha hai tu mera, How could you even think of that, Sirf 34 you are, agar 60 ka bhi hoga na, you have every right to disturb me haan agar zinda hui toh, buddhi hogayi hoon na thodi " She laughed.
" Yaar Maa Yaar " He whined.
" Better" She asked after a while pressing his head.
" Better " He nodded.
" Chal jaa ab, biwi ka dimaag kha jaake, pareshaan hai baichari, probably the first time tereko aise dekha usne"
" Haina, Chalo so jao, Good Night" He spoke planting a kiss on her forehead.
" Acha sun "
" Haan Bolo"
" Sort it out baba, aise main uska stress lena theek nhi hai Sidharth, kam jhagdo thoda, keep her happy she needs it"
" Aapko.... How do you know, usne bola kya "
" Nhi, aaj tak nhi bola usne tumahare baare main kuch, the hollowness you see in those patients family na Sidharth uski aankhon main bhi dikhti hai, very transparent her eyes are, bus voh bolti nhi hai, She doesn't let it out, Dikhta hai na par, how she wishes to talk to you, Kyun ro rahi thi vahan, bachi samjha hai mujhe, I know It's common in first trimester but itna, why were you early all these three days, samajh aata hai baba"
" Acha samajh gaya maate, hum jaate, so jao ab, nhi kar raha aapki bahu ko pareshaan"
*
" Shehnaaz " He called her entering the room.
" Haan " She woke up with a start.
" Sorry utha diya kya" He mumbled not expecting her to sleep this soon.
" Haan voh pata nhi, idhar aao" She spoke and he obliged going near her on the bed.
" Theek ho" She asked holding his hand as he settled himself down beside her.
" Hmm, just a failed operation nothing else " He shrugged much better after talking to Maa.
" Itna affect toh aap pehli baar hue ho Sidharth" She Whispered and he sighed, why does she know him itna.
" Biwi hoon aapki haq hai mera" She spoke and he looked at her bewildered, zor se bol diya kya.
" Nhi zor se nhi bola, aapke dil ka pata nhi dimaag main free entry zaroor hai mujhe, you know " She winked and he laughed. She was one of a kind and exclusively his. Is it? His brain questioned.
" Successful " She mumbled and pecked his hand that helds her.
" Kuch bola tumne " He asked not hearing it clearly.
" Nhi.. Haan matlab, I know single peice hoon and exclusively yours " She winked again and he looked at her shocked.
" Muh band kar lijiye Dr. Sahab, makhi hai nhi vaise humare kamare main, but machar dikha tha ek mereko, so.... Machar ghus sakta hai" She spoke with a serious expressions but failed and ended up laughing with him following her
" Thak gayi ho zyada " He asked after coming down from the laughing spell they had a few minutes ago sensing the discomfort she was going through while sitting.
" Peeth main dard hai thoda, Aur pairo main bhi halka voh heels pehni thi na " She spoke and was pushed back on the bed carefully in a second and her feets were in his lap, with him massaging the soles and the digits .
" Saala heel pehna zaroori hai kya tumhe, Flats pehnogi toh kya jaayega" He spoke eying the heels that were kept near the door, she hates bringing those inside the room.
" Sidharth mat kijiye, mujhe pta hai aapko pasand nhi hai ye sab karna " She spoke eyeing him.
" Leti raho chup chap, saala sab bolna hai bas takleef nhi batani, Usko bolne main kya sharam aati hai tumko, chunni ka ghunghat karke bola karo"
" Hain! Ghunghat kyun karna hai" She asked confused.
" Sharam kam aayegi apparently " He spoke seriously pulling at her great toe a little.
" Ahh, fuck you Shehnaaz! " He growled when the same foot he had in his lap was thrown a little lower than his stomach, a painful moan erupting deep from within his throat.
" Don't play with my mardangi baby, dikkat tumko hi hogi " He warned and she laughed.
" Gladly" She winked
" What! " He asked bewildered.
"I will be glad if you......f*** me" She spoke boldly but the blush was very visible on her cheeks making him laugh.
" So cute sweetheart, this blush on your cheeks it just wins my heart every fucking time" He spoke laughing.
Did he just said win his heart! Was he serious! Slip of tongue maybe She thought but why to question it.
She straddled his lap and pushed him down to the mattress taking his lower lip in her mouth. After she felt lack of breathe he whispered joining their forehead.
" Making up with sex is wrong sweetheart"
" We are not in the break up zone Sidharth , agreed baat karna rehta hai but we resolved our fight the next day right and Sex after that is fun" She rasped and took his lips once again in her own soft ones both of them loosing themselves in the moment.
*
"Sorry we couldn't save her " The doctor spoke.
" Couldn't save her matlab" He asked.
" You were so sure kuch nhi hoga" He continued.
" You are Dr. Yourself Sidharth, how can you question it" The doctor asked and went from their giving them the time to mourn.
" Sidharth nhi please Abhi nhi" She broke down hugging him.
" Shshsh Sambhal khud ko Please, Aunty aur Maa ko kaise sambhalenge " He spoke hugging her, trying to hide his own emotions.
" Lekin Myru, Kya galati thi uski, Mujhe bhi toh ho sakta tha na" She cried.
" Shshsh bas, hume Didi,Bhaiyu hume strong rehna padega " Adi spoke
" Nhi hoga Sidharth, Nhi hoga.... I can't.... Why did it happened twice in a year yaar Sidharth, Maa tut jayengi"
" It's my fault.... It's fucking my fault S... "
"Fuck!!!" He woke up with a start, the voice was so loud that she was startled for a second too.
" Sidharth kya ho gaya" She asked walking towards him and rubbing his back, it was 8 in the morning and she has just came out after taking bath, when she found him all sweating even in 18°C of A. C.
He was breathing heavily, his chest heaving up and down, probably a bad dream, it looked like.
" Kuch nhi, a bad dream" He mumbled before getting up and walking into the washroom washing his face with cold water.
" Aapko kal se kya ho raha hai " She asked and he shook his head.
" Kuch nhi baba, kaheko tension le rahi hai be, a bad dream, hota hai kabhi kabhi, ek cup coffee pila de, main naha kar aata hoon, phir Dr. Ke pass jayenge" He spoke.
" Nhi Rukiye, Doctor ke pass abhi nhi shaam ko chalenge " She spoke.
" Kyun lekin! "
" Abhi aapse baat karni hai, Maa Adi ke saath hai, Raju bhaiya bhi ghar par nhi hai aur Aap Hospital bhi nhi jaa rahe" She replied.
" Kya baat karni hai"
" Hai kuch, main coffee laati hoon"
*
We both sat in the balcony, I leaning Against the wall and she was settled just beside me. I know where is this discussion leading because of how is she fidgeting with her fingers..
" Sana" I called her and she looked at me with those eyes, containing a lot of questions and I know I need to answer all of them, if not today I guess I won't be able to ever.
" Sidharth Sach bolenge"
" Jhoot kab bola hai yaar"
I looked at her to see if she believes this because in these 4 years I have tried to be as honest as I can, alright I might have not opened myself up as much as I know I should have but going in that zone is still difficult.
"Aapko yaad hai Shaadi se pehle I asked you if you love someone aapne jawab kya diya tha" She asked.
" Bahut logo se" He replied, honest again he loves many people in this world.
" Aur abhi thode din Pehle aapne bola tha you had no feelings involved with your so called girlfriends other than one.... "
" Hmmm"
" Toh Voh Other than one wali uss bahut logo main aati hai Sidharth" She asked and I looked at her for a moment more than necessary, where was she leading it.
" Kya matlab hai"
" Vahi joh soch rahe hai aap" She sighed.
" What's love Shehnaaz" He countered.
" A feeling that you have when you like somebody very much" She replied a moment later.
" Something too..... Bahut logo se I meant all that I am happy with, Maa, Adi, Ria her kids, Mere dost, Mera Career, ek time par ye drinks aur cigarette bhi"
" Diplomatic Answer hai Sidharth "
" Shehnaaz movies aur real life main farak hai, I Love You kehna agar pyaar hai, joh tum roz sochti ho so fine I love you Shehnaaz" He spoke.
" Mera.... Mera voh matlab nhi tha Sidharth"....
" Jaanti ho, shaadi kyun nhi karna chahta tha because kisi ka sapna pura karna chahta tha before I settle myself down, I wanted to be that person jiska sapna unhone dekha tha, Not because I had the fear to commit ya phir Pyaar nhi kar sakta, Dil hai mujhme alright"
" Sidharth.... "
" Baat start ki hai na toh Suno, Love is not just a 4 letter word Shehnaaz, something deep something surreal, zaroori nhi hai nhi bolta hoon toh kuch jaanta nhi hoon, jaanta hoon, but bolne ki adat nhi hai"
" Sidharth sachi nhi jaante aap"
" Fine Shehnaaz! Agreed Nhi jaanta, because I hardly knows that Shehnaaz, tumne kabhi milne hi nhi diya, sapna aayega kya Ki shaadi se pehle you tried committing.. Suicide, Sapna aayega ki mere biwi was fed up of her life once, doctor hoon, tarot reader nhi yaar" He spoke a little too loudly.
" Abhi ka pucho sab nhi because I'm sure sab toh tum bhi nhi jaanti hogi, mood badalta joh rehta hai but mostly jaanta hoon, Kya tha voh... Tumhara Favourite colour nhi jaanta, Right Fuchsia Pink ka naam bhi nhi pata tha mereko, It was all pink I knew, Your Favourite food hmm Toh Meethe main, I haven't travelled Bengal as such so sorry but mereko idea nhi tha about this Chaina Murki but still humare ghar main har festival par aata hai, Aur kya tha Yes! Cake how could I forgot voh cupcake toh tum khud layi thi khud ke khane ke liye, Favourite Destination Srinagar aur...."
" Shshsh bas Sidharth " She spoke her voice shaking.
" Kyun nhi jaanta na main tumhe, I hardly care" He spoke, sarcasm again sometimes she thinks if sarcasm is his second wife kabhi chodte hi nhi hai.
" Toh kabhi bataya kyun nhi"
" That's the difference karke batane ki aadat nhi hai, That's not how I am"
" I'm sorry " She whispered holding his hand
" For What! Galat nhi ho tum, you still have no confidence on us Shehnaaz, shayad maine kabhi dilaya nhi hai"
" Nhi... "
" It's alright, kab tak jhoot bologi khud se, soch kar batana shaadi ke pehle 6 mahine haven't I tried enough, sab try kiya tha but you were in that shell Shehnaaz, Dost ban na, jokes crack karna, apne comfort se bahar jaa kar sab try kiya tha,still you were not you with me, joh tum Maa ke saath thi, Adi in that case too bus not with me, Haan baat karti thi but that hesitation was still there, maanta hoon and that's when I opted out for Space Shehnaaz, nhi hai mujhme utna patience kabhi nhi tha life main jitna tumhare saath hai"
" Toh aap mujhse pyaar kyun nhi kar sake, unn 6 mahino main I tried too Sidharth, easy tha kya Sab chod kar ek nayi jaagh adjust hona still kar rahi thi, meri life was at a downfall Sidharth, aapse kaise kehti when I could find you busy in your studies most of the time, That controversy.... "
" That Controversy I am still unaware of, haan met par dhundh sakta tha par nhi dhundha kyunki I wanted you to trust me but shayad voh toh kabhi hua hi nhi, you fell in love with me because kisi ke saath 4 din bhi raho pasand aa jaata hai voh, tum mere saath do saal se reh rahi thi" He spoke and she gasped.
" Aise mat dekho I knew on my 32nd Birthday you were deeply in love with me, And I never doubt it alright, dikhta hai in all those small things you do for me, nhi bhi bolti na tab bhi dikhta tha"
" Toh aapke logic se aapko kyun nhi hua Sidharth "
" Because I didn't wanted you to fall for me dammit, nhi chahta main koi mujhse pyaar kare" He spoke.
" Lekin kyun Sidharth "..
" Because that brings only destruction in their life Shehnaaz, what if I say joh bhi mujhse aise thoda extra pyaar karta hai leaves me forever, Nhi chahta tha vaisa ho, Never did I wanted you to leave me, kabhi nhi" He spoke and a tear dropped from his eyes.
" Kaisi baat kar rahe ho Sidharth "
" Ek baar hua hota na Shehnaaz I would have agreed to you, it has happened twice, And the second time I was responsible only me for that to happen "
" Matlab "
" Myra Raj Sharma would have lived for some more years if I would have been a little more attentive, agar thoda Dhyaan rakhta that girl would have lived some more "
" Myra Raj Sharma! Shalini Di ki behn " She gasped
" Happy Realisation Shehnaaz " He spoke and stood up to leave her contemplating what ever just happened.
A heavy Chapter again... I am sorry if kisiko bura laga ho about the event's that unfolded.
So how was it?
You wanted to know about Myra so half of her chapter revealed with an insight of their initial few months. I know a cliff hanger again but that's for all of you to ponder about it
Drop down your comments on how was it.
One more chapter to reveal everything about her and I guess it won't be what most of you have thought.
Do let me know how was it.
Also if someone has a doubt ki doctor hai toh how could death's affect him, toh doctor bhi insaan hote hai, maybe emotionless while they work because that's needed, emotional hogaye toh operation kaise karenge, but still they are humans, and deaths affects everyone around us. No offense for anyone just my point of view.
Do touch the star icon at the end.
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Aaradhya
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